radiosilence2768

[radiosilence2768]

I am not lying when I say it's safer to be alone.

Dating is a scheme. Sex with just anyone you meet is risky and leaves you vulnerable. Throughout my life I've learned to never trust anyone as I will always fuck up and they will use the things I've told them against me. So I remain alone, mostly without anyone to miss me if I die (no family either, like 1 friend.). I am 18.

[radiosilence2768]

Ngl I want to scream and punch the ground until my fists are red bloody stumps, in the pouring rain just feel something. Or 3 Natty Daddy's from the corner store. Either will work.

[radiosilence2768]

I've realized that what I want is not a woman, but an emotional connection that I would give my life for. It doesn't have to be sexual, although that is what the the Internet and the media present about men. (that sex is what drives us) Everybody has a wall, that shit is unavoidable there's shit nobody talks about. I've just built mine to strong because everything and everyone around me told me I have to. I need something, somebody I care about and that cares about me. This is an impossible thing to ask for with as a struggling man as everyone wants the financially able, funny guy/social guy, that's chill and supports them but doesn't need support. This is impossible it's not how people work, but these are the standards for a "relationship". "Relationships" are not the same as sex, not by a long shot. They imply being emotionally and physically vulnerable, their an investment of time and a collaborative effort, your a team basically. I've never met a person who wants to talk to the "low-class" guy, the mf who wears the same pants on Monday and Thursday and hopes no one notices. (without going into graphic details of the horrific effects of starvation, seeing yourself grow thinner day by day but not allocating the resources to do anything about it, the money spent on nicotine and weed and alcohol are the only motivations for a man like me with no family or friends without them I would not be here.) I don't need to be in a relationship, I need a something that drives me to want more. Somebody that cares and wants better for me and themselves, somebody that I can work together against the seemingly unbearable weight. A face I can think about when I'm either at work, the store, or when I'm on my knees facing the barrel of a gun. I'm not human without a person like this