rainbowtroutlover28

[rainbowtroutlover28]

The Lunacy of the Unspoken; A Paradoxical Anecdote

The fear of losing you is so great that I cannot even permit myself to love you.

I choose to violently waste away, stifled in your midst, 

Endured by the morsel of attention you grant each day. 

Your kindness, a gentle graze, seeps into my skin, 

Lingering, like the musk of rain sinking into the earth. 

I fill my lungs with your aroma, 

reluctant to respire. 

I recognize the fallacies in this logic, and yet I cannot bring my heart 

Upon a silver platter, to you. 

The truth chokes me up, and I push you further and further 

Hoping that soon it will be far enough. But alas! 

What they say is true– 

In your absence, my heart grows fonder.  

And so, you become the painting kept behind glass, hung high in the gallery.  

Beautiful and unobtainable

The pleasure I draw from your presence is enough to sustain a lifetime 

I perch on a windowsill nearby, drinking it in, 

Hoping that even a scrap of what I feel is reciprocated 

Dancing in circles with the reflection staring back through your eyes.

I sit pondering what it would be to be so completely yours, 

And I yearn for the day in which you realise.

Even now, I wonder if I can remain your friend– 

Staring into your eyes 

Do you also feel the palpable air between us? 

The way that time stops when our eyes meet, 

The electricity when our hands brush?

An unreliable narrator has composed the score in my mind 

And blindly I follow, a fool. 

I have been diluted into believing that you are reading the same. 

To keep the lunacy, the hysteria, at bay,

I tell myself that you hate me 

In defiance of the pen. 

The truth is that I have known, upon first glance,

Our souls were bound. 

The blacksmith, melting down the contents of our souls, moulds us together. 

Walking the halls, I felt the pull—

Like the moon beckons to the sea, 

I was tied to you.

I am the bird that flew into the windows of your home 

Making my place at the table, 

The one next to you. 

I am the mosquito drunk off the sweet nectar in your veins, 

Hoping to feel your admiration 

Before my imminent death,

condemned.

[rainbowtroutlover28]

To stand beside you as a friend stirs the ache of forbidden longing 

A desire inherent, central to our tragic existence,

yields the prospect for love to linger.

Luring me back into the palm of your hand; 

A gentle giant, you toy with me, tossing me from one pad of your fingers to the next,

Like a fly drawn to honey, your sweet nature entraps me, 

drawing me to a slow demise–

A conclusion fitting for my dire existence; a hopeless romantic who is afraid to love,

Oh, what cruel irony!

Your charm leads me as a river guides its course,

Situating small morsels, fragments of what it would be like to possess your love—

The tenderness of your lingering gaze,

your dark teasing eyes with their doting reverence.

Rooms without you feel empty; 

these four walls deflate disappointed due to your desolate drought

I feel your presence nearing

Closer, closer, 

Until you stand behind me 

A pillar composed of a rare kindness 

The inches between us seem a chasm 

Within, the scent of your cologne and my desperation 

For you to notice 

The magnitude of tension contained in every glance, touch, smile

[rainbowtroutlover28]

an ode to the drive through barista

today I made a mixtape 

of all the songs that yield the same presumptions sense of glee,  

that hum like a dancing river in the cavity of my chest, flowing over the edge 

cascading comfort into the quiet corners of my soul.

melodies that bloom with the warmth of your laugh; lyrics that long for the spark your gaze sets in me

and in it, your musk lingers 

you are the smell of oranges and freshly mowed grass,

the summer sun dipping low as I study from the slanted hill,

the buzz of the crowd exiting the thursday matinee, 

their voices low with reflection, the air heavy with the kind of sweetness that lingers when wonder is shared — fleeting, but enough to leave a mark

canvassing their contemplations the complete conveyance

the sound of an espresso shot pulling; the aroma rising, wrapping around me — drawing me closer to you 

we are opposite ends of two magnets; inexplicably, inevitably aligned 

The pull between us deepens, steady and relentless. I feel it, haunting every thought, and wonder—

Do you feel it too, or is it just me, lost in this ache?

as you lean toward me, the sun pours down, a golden glow that wraps us in a warmth so deep,

 it feels like we are the only two souls left on earth

I want to stay just a little longer, suspended in the simple joy of your smile, as if time could stretch infinitely, just enough for me to know that I’m the reason behind it. 

there’s a soft ache in my chest every time I think about how it feels when that smile isn't for me—

how it belongs to someone else. 

I can't quite name it, but it tugs, a quiet desperation in wanting to be the one who holds your gaze.

before I can let that feeling fully sink in, I hear the voice behind me—

“I’m ready to order.” 

and just like that, the moment, the warmth of this summer evening, slips through my fingers, fading into the air as if it was never really mine at all

and I drive away— 

[rainbowtroutlover28]

birthday poem

Today was my birthday. 

Well, not really, but we pretend that it was 

Spending the morning together

in solitude

Neither uttering a word 

Afraid to break the carefully constructed silence 

I think we both find peace in the bustling work   

Still, there is an anxiety floating about 

As the room begins to fill with friends, strangers 

You approach me 

With a gift 

The revelation of a long-kept secret 

I have been roped into

And among the plastic fruit and faux fur 

At the bottom of the bright wrapping paper 

Lies a carefully constructed piece of your heart. 

A striped sweater 

Made of my favorite colors 

Never has someone made me something 

so me. 

The mundane; the most intimate. I feel as if you saw into my soul