rainingelsewhere - Tumblr blog

[rainingelsewhere]

gonna have a bottle of wine for dinner and play “is it the ed or the depression i’m drinking to tonight?” 🍷 cheers.

[rainingelsewhere]

my brain goes from “it’s getting bad again:/“ to “it’s getting bad again🥳” within seconds i-

[rainingelsewhere]

oh yeah?? well then tell me why it feels so great to fall asleep with my stomach growling?? 🤨

..no really. please tell me because it’s actually really painful and it hurts and I can’t sleep but at the same time I’m super satisfied and happy and I don’t get it so please tell me

[rainingelsewhere]

nothing feels better than dropping 10lbs, gaining 6lbs, dropping 3lbs, gaining 7lbs, dropping 5lbs, gaining 2lbs, dro

[rainingelsewhere]

*checks cal content* you know what? That’s actually super low. I can totally eat this for the day and be completely fine. Hell yeah!!

*eats the last bite* .......what the fuck did I do? I could have been totally fine without those calories. It didn’t even taste that good.

[rainingelsewhere]

One of the worst things my ed has made me do is toss food that I pretended to eat. And then being scared to take out my bedroom trash in fear of my family seeing seven meals in the bag.

[rainingelsewhere]

How long can I keep convincing my family that my drop in weight is purely from Adderall side effects? I can tell I’m loving these bad habits, but I shouldn’t.

God I hate recovery. It’s just a constant cycle of relapses and then the sudden awareness of what the fuck I’m doing.

[rainingelsewhere]

I never knew that Adderall had a side effect of a lack of appetite. Once I started it, I seriously never feel hungry and nothing sounds good. I’ve lost 11lbs in the last two weeks because it’s literally so easy to just not eat. No hunger pains. No cravings.

This is the only plus side to having adhd if you ask me.

[rainingelsewhere]

Stupidly got drunk and started binging last night. Only for me to finally realize what the fuck I was doing and then force myself to throw up like twenty times. This is why I hate drinking; it completely destroys my willpower for restricting/fasting 😩

[rainingelsewhere]

do be like that all the time

[rainingelsewhere]

Honestly nothing feels better than being able to turn down food I usually love. Even if I’m struggling with consistency, that single will-power gave me so much motivation.

[rainingelsewhere]

I finally stepped on the scale months after leaving an ED center 😅😅 anyway my black coffee has tasted great these last two days

[rainingelsewhere]

I’ve discovered a new type of anger when my friend’s douchebag of a husband told me he’s proud of me for eating a meal.

You know.

Even though he’s the one who comments every day about my eating habits and weight.

[rainingelsewhere]

Wearing huge shirts to hide your body whilst simultaneously wanting to wear smaller shirts to “prove” you’re not huge.

[rainingelsewhere]

“What happened to your meal plan?”

Fuck you. I’m not in the mood and I’m not eating your goddamn dinner.

[rainingelsewhere]

I find it exceptionally frustrating that my parents sent me to an ed clinic, where they drilled into my head that diets are all fake and that bodies have a set weight point where they like to be and “fat-free” options are “food games” and all that jazz. Only then to come home and have my sister bragging left and right that she’s lost 25lbs because of her great diet and small substitutions for healthier options? And have my parents also applaud her for her hard work and dedication??

So when I dropped 50lbs, you guys were concerned and upset because “I was already skinny” compared to you guys. Then you send me to a place that conditions people to view diets as scary things to avoid. And then you put me around someone doing ALL THE SAME SHIT I DID BEFORE but you CONGRATULATE HER?? Fuck that. God I’m annoyed. Sorry, rant over.

[rainingelsewhere]

Wanna know what having anorexia is really like?

*sleeping as much as possible to keep yourself from binging *drinking so much green tea or coffee on an empty stomach that your hands shake *pushing on your stomach to stop the growling *exercising until your legs feel weak *peeing 40 times a day *weighing yourself daily *having to say no to foods you once loved *hiding your illness from family/boyfriend/friends *choking on giant vitamins *wearing jackets in the summer because you’re always cold *always being covered in bruises *binging when you’re alone… *…and then trying to puke or shit the guilt away *staring at thinspo literally 24/7 *crying when the number on the scale just won’t move no matter how long you fast *feeling guiltily proud of all your symptoms