ramblings-of-a-twentysomething

[ramblings-of-a-twentysomething]

#5

Hello my audience of zero! It's been a while. Frankly, I forgot about this account until a few minutes ago. I've decided that I'm just going to update the internet on my life while I wait for the drag race finale to air. Anyways, life has been shitty as always. A part of it is the current political climate and the rise of fascism in my country, which is absolutely horrifying and I feel really helpless. I'm a somewhat fem presenting gay man in a deep red area at a really conservative college. I mean the school itself isn't, but the branch that I'm at has pretty much just rednecks. Homophobes and racists. I get made fun of, called a faggot, etc. It's just really hard to exist on this campus sometimes. I almost have a panic attack just going to the dining hall. I go days without talking to another person. It's just no way to live. I'm on such high alert all the time, and I'm just so tired. Doesn't help that I'm really depressed too, but we been knew that. I got fired from my job in December, the day before my birthday. It was absolutely my fault unfortunately. I accidentally no call no showed a couple times and I guess they had enough of me. I was just in a really dark place at the time, and nothing really mattered to me, but getting fired was literally traumatizing. I worked at a chain retail store, and transferred from one store closer to my home to a new one closer to my college. But, the manager at the store closer to my home wants to take me back in May, so that's pretty cool. In the meantime, I decided to focus on my studies and struggle with income, and that's been really shitty. I actually had to ask my parents for some money for gas which was so embarrassing, but my mother is very kind and gave me some. I've been using said gas money to get back and forth from play rehearsal for a play I'm in. This play has really been my lifeline. Even though it's an hour one way, it's been worth it. I feel safe there. I feel loved and welcomed, which is something I haven't felt in a very long time. Plus, the director really loves my acting which really makes me happy. Not to give too much info to my audience of none, but I'm in Dog Sees God right now, which basically takes the characters from Peanuts, and puts them in high school and makes them all horrible people. It's this edgy commentary on mental health, bullying, discrimination, homosexuality, etc. Sometimes it can get a bit too edgy for edgy's sake, but all in all I love it. I actually read it a few years ago, and fell in love with the character of Beethoven, which is Schroeder but they had to change the names for copyright. He's the gay one, and everyone bullies him and hates him. But plot twist, Charlie Brown wants to fuck. Spoilers, but it's a story about like acceptance but near the end Pigpen, the bully, beats the shit out of me and breaks my hands, and as a piano player that was career ending, so I kill myself. Very depressing. But, the love story part is really cute I love it, and unfortunately I've developed a crush on Charlie Brown. I was afraid this was going to happen, but I'm letting it. I can't tell if he's flirting with me or not, but it feels like it. I can't tell for sure though it's complicated. But I just love him. He's so unapologetically himself, he's just so silly and like stupid but in a cute way yk? I just enjoy him a lot, and he's adorable. We share a lot of intimate moments in the show, he kisses me twice, like big kisses, and he doesn't stage kiss he goes full in and I love it. The one I do I push him up against a picnic table, it's hot I'm not gonna lie. And he keeps wanting to rehearse it so like. It's all very complicated, I know he's single but at this point I don't even know he goes my way. I feel like he does, but maybe he's just really flirty. But, he doesn't flirt with everyone else like that. But, that could just be because we're love interests and he feels more comfortable with me. I can't really tell and it sucks. I've never been in a relationship before, never been asked out, so I can't tell what the hell is going on. Boo.

[ramblings-of-a-twentysomething]

#4

Disclaimer: this is just me ranting to the internet. The idea that someone may or may not see this gives me a little bit of comfort. Anyways. I don't understand why life just sucks so hard for me. I just feel like I'm being beaten over the head over and over and over. And stupid shit too! My YouTube premium subscription cancelled out today, and I can't afford to pay for a new one. I've had it since the summer and it said I had <1,300 hours, which is INSANE. I looked it up and it's about 54 full days. I guess I just spend too much time alone, but that's not really by choice. I'm so damn lonely, and it's really effecting me more and more recently. I've been just wallowing in my self pity for like years now, and I feel so trapped. Right now, It's my own doing. I picked the wrong college, this hick ass backwoods evil school with evil evil monstrous students. I've gotten borderline agoraphobic here, I'm afraid to go to the fucking bathroom because I'm afraid of the people who live on my floor. And what really sucks is they haven't really done anything bad to me. The one incident I can think of is a couple months ago they poured a bottle of water down the stairs onto my head and laundry when I had just finished, and then acted like nothing happened. And just like making fun of me and shit. I've been called a faggot, loser, freak, weirdo, etc. And it's nothing new either. I was not very popular in high school, I went to a yeehaw hicktown U.S.A high school too, and I mean it's not like i was beaten up or anything, but the fear that it could one day turn into something worse really eats at me. But also, fuck it! I don't know, it's all so confusing. I'm trying to convince myself it doesn't matter, but it does to me. And it's frustrating! And I don't really have a support system either, which is why I'm pathetically turning to the internet. I feel like all my friends don't really like me. I'm not really included or there most of the time. I mean I am on occasion, but I feel like I drag the whole mood down. All I really want is a boyfriend. I've been alone my entire life, not even kissed a guy romantically. I know I'm not the most attractive guy in the world, but I feel like I'm not like UGLY? In my personal opinion, I feel like I have some nice qualities. I feel like I'd be a good partner. I mean I've had people tell me I'd be a good husband, but that was more in a straight context. Idk, I feel like I'm funny at least. I've been fantasizing about a perfect life for me, and more importantly a partner. I just feel so. I don't even know anymore. I want to cry all the time, but I can't for some reason. I can't do like anything. I'm pathetic. Truly. I'm just a pathetic fucking loser, who has no friends and no one to care about them. Well, except my mom, but I don't count that. See, my father is the biggest abusive narcissistic asshole you've ever heard of, and has beaten her down for years and years into submission, and he's only gotten worse recently, and I don't want to put more stress on her. I can't tell my mom I'm contemplating suicide, can I? That would just be cruel. I just need to be lobotomized or something. Maybe shot, maybe stabbed, maybe poisoned. Dealer's choice.

[ramblings-of-a-twentysomething]

#3

I went to all my classes today! Random strangers on the internet wo may or may not read this, be proud of me. I got up even though it was really hard, and I went to both my classes! I took notes in my bio class, and we literally meditated and colored with crayons in my other class. Right now I'm laying in my bed, trying to figure out what to do. I want to sleep, but I shouldn't, cuz I have to leave for play rehearsal in 3 and a half hours, plus I wanna shower before I leave. I just feel very blah right now. I'd rather be blah than incredibly depressed, so I guess it's better but it still sucks. On another note, I've been living in fantasy and imagining and shit a LOT lately, and I'm kind of afraid it's becoming unhealthy. I've curated this perfect life for me in my head, with the perfect friends, perfect house, perfect EVERYTHING for me. There's also a separate one where Pokémon exist of course because I'm a grown ass adult, and honestly I just feel kind of pathetic. I hate everything that is going on in my life, so I'm trying to escape reality. I just feel melancholic and tired and gross. Anyways, somebody hit me with a car.

[ramblings-of-a-twentysomething]

#2

I'm sitting here in my bed trying to come up with how to write my paper due in an hour but I can't think of anything. It's a paper on what I would say if a kindergarten girl says something like "shopping is only for mommies" to a boy who wants to roleplay shopping and what I would say to them and the class. I know what I would do, but I'm afraid of being wrong honestly. And I'm just so depressed right now. It's just so damn hard to do literally anything, especially anything with thought. I'm in COLLEGE! I am so fucking miserable, I just want o lay in bed, cry, and get really high. And I just end up doing that. (I live on campus to this is all hypothetical I would never do anything against the code of conduct) I can't do anything and I feel so pathetic. I didn't get out of bed today until 4pm, and I haven't gotten out of bed earlier than 2 any day in the past 2 weeks except yesterday. I slept through all my classes last week, and I slept through my classes today too. I take days before showering, I just don't do anything except lay in my bed and play on my phone, and also occasionally I mess with my piano, but I just can't seem to play it as easily as I could. Everything just sucks. I have no friends on this campus, and I just feel like everyone is out to get me. I haven't done anything, they haven't really done anything either except give me weird looks or say not nice things to me under their breath, and that's fine. It's just REALLY effected me. I've become borderline agoraphobic. I'm like near panic attack every time I go to the bathroom. I only go the dining hall once a day, and when I go I just run in grab shit and leave, and usually it's not even a meal just soda and snacks. I look and feel terrible, and it's lowkey my fault. I've given in to my eating disorder. I really don't eat much in a day, and what I do is garbage. Soda, fruit gushers, (cuz they're fucking awesome idc I can do whatever I want I'm an adult) and sometimes I order stupid shit like today I got a donut and fried cheese curds. I hate that dining hall, and I can't imagine eating alone in there. It's that like "oh my god you people can't do anything" yk? I just think about what other people think of me, especially since they haven't been that kind to me. They're thinking like "what kind of loser would sit and eat alone in the dining hall he has no friends how pathetic haha." And I don't know why it effects me so much, but it does. Other people sit in there alone, and they're totally ok, but there's something about me that makes me easy to hate for no reason. Or, at least that's what I think in my brain. And I know part of it has something to do with all my self-hatred. And THAT comes from my internalized homophobia. It's so frustrating because I know the causes of my issues, but I can't figure out how to fix them. WHY am I so worried about what other people think of me? Their opinion doesn't matter!!!! But they do to me!! BUT I DON'T WANT THEM TO!!! BUT THEY DO!!!!!! Ugh. Any tips? Any Advice? Anyways. I need to be shot.

[ramblings-of-a-twentysomething]

#1

I've never used Tumblr before so I've decided I'm going to use it as some kind of anonymous diary to write about all my problems. The thought that someone could maybe read it brings me a bit of comfort, as I don't really have anyone else in my life who wants to listen to my bullshit ramblings. Thank you in advance for anyone who reads this, and I'm sorry!

Anyways, I'm horrified. I'm terrified at the current state of the world right now. I'm American (unfortunately) and a pretty outwardly presenting homosexual in a conservative area. I mean I'm not the colored hair and piercings kind of gay, but I just give off the general vibe in the way I walk, talk, and carry myself. I'm so scared for the future, as I imagine many of you homos on Tumblr are too. I'm truly just so baffled about how everything is coming out. I'm in college at the moment for early childhood education, and I've been thinking of dropping out or changing my major. I want to be a teacher SO badly, but in this country I don't think it will be viable for me. I'm a pretty clear homosexual just by looking at me, even though I'm not necessarily out to the community. I've never even kissed someone romantically, let alone have sex with anyone. (I do theatre so I've kissed a lot of people, mainly my friends and the girlies) I just don't know what's in store for me at this point. I don't really have any support from my parents, especially my father. That man, even though he has a DOCTORATE, has been so red pilled and has become such a truly heinous hateful individual. I mean he always has been a manipulative narcissistic asshole, but it has gotten so much worse. I'm so thankful I'm able to live on campus instead of at home, because I have no idea how long I could stay there. I was home over Christmas break, and it was so horrible, lowkey traumatizing. He's a public figure, and he's very smart and well articulated, so he can gaslight his way out of ANYTHING. He's a nightmare.

Anyways, I hate my college campus. Well that's not necessarily true, it's just the people on my campus. The campus itself is absolutely gorgeous, there are beautiful trees everywhere, and I love my dorm so much, and I can watch the sunset sitting right at my piano, but the people on this campus make it a living nightmare. I go to a small school with no parties or anything, so I had hoped and prayed before I got here that it was like tree hugging liberals, but alas they are not. It's a whole school full of frat boy douche bags, and bitchy holier-than-thou Christian volleyball players. Oh and Mormons! So many Mormons! (Side note: Mormons lowkey scare me. I've been approached 3 times on this campus asking me to go to their church, one time they gave me a business card with their phone number and a church address. Oh wait it says Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Those are Mormons, right? I don't really know and honestly I don't care enough to learn.)

Anyways, as someone who tends to appear and sound kinda homosexual, they really do not like me here. I'm so ostracized by everyone It's like high school all over again. I've been called a fag so many times on this campus it's not even funny. One time they poured water down the stairs on my head while I was getting laundry. Like it's CRAZY. Because of that, my mental health has had a pretty steep decline since I've gotten here. I'm just so riddled with anxiety, doing literally anything. Every single thing I do is a struggle, and it's really starting to effect me. I can't go down and eat in the dining hall, I can't just go on a walk, I can't go to the gym, or even the student center. It took me so much to just psych myself up to go to the library and print out a few papers. I did it, and I'm proud of myself! But, no one really gives a fuck, and that's fine I guess but I don't have any support from like anyone. I just feel so totally horrible, which is definitely not uncommon for me, I mean I am bipolar, but it's especially worse today. I feel like I did back in high school, not being able to get out of bed to go to school or not knowing how to talk to anyone. I'm just so damn damaged, and it's all really hitting me today. The main big part right now is how alone I am. I have very few friends, and the ones I do have don't really seem to care all that much about me. And I know it's not fair for me to want them to give me all their attention. I mean they all have significant others, so of course most of their time is going to them. But, I've been here for so long, way before they ever came into the picture, and idk I just feel like I'm being ignored. It's becoming painfully clear to me that they don't like me as much as I like them. They cancel plans, they ignore my messages, they don't really seem to care about the things I talk about or are interested in. I try to convince myself it's ok, and I'm ok with it, but I'm not. I've told them so much about how my brain works, and I feel like if they actually cared about me they wouldn't keep hurting me in the same damn ways over and over. For example, one of my favorite things in the world is voice messages. I love being able to express exactly how I feel and the cadence of my voice and all that bullshit. Plus, I hate typing over text, it's too much work. That's why I'm using my laptop to type this. Anyways, I tend to send voice messages a lot. I try to be very careful to not send super long ones, but is it such a crime to take 10 minutes out of one of your closest friends' lives to talk about something important to you? I don't know how to articulate how I feel because this specific scenario I'm thinking about happens frequently. I send long voice messages about something, and then I apologize for sending long ones because it's unrealistic to expect someone to take 10 minutes out of their day to listen to me, and they always reassure me and say oh they like it, they listen to them on their way to work, they do other things while listening, etc. So I keep sending them, and then they ignore them. Right now I have 15 minutes of one talking about something super exciting and something I was so proud of myself for doing, and they completely ignored it altogether. They ASKED ME about the thing, and I sent them as a response, but I got nothing. Everyone in my life knows I'm struggling right now. I have so so many things going on that I won't bore you with here, but long story short (too late) I'm VERY damaged. I just don't understand how these people can tell me how much they love me and ooh you're such a good friend and ooh everyone likes you and you're so cool but then doesn't give a single shit about me, or at least doesn't put in effort. If someone I cared about texted me something, even if it was stupid or mundane, I wouldn't wait a whole day to answer and then blame it on being too busy. Most of us are in the same boat with college and shit, and I know they have partners so whatever they're more busy than I am, but I can't imagine not having 10 seconds to respond to a text.

It just really feels like they don't care! I don't understand what is going on honestly because they keep me in the loop most of the time. Is it cuz they pity me or what? They have absolutely no obligation to stay connected to me. I never see them now, nothing much would change. I feel like it has to be pity. And it all just upsets me so much. I've communicated how I feel to them, and they reassure me that they actually do like me and do care, but then they don't show it, at least in the ways that I've told them are important to me. Or maybe my brain is making all this up just to fuck with me, which is a possibility. That bitch is evil. I just spend so much time alone, and it's really starting to chip away at my psyche. Don't get me wrong I like being alone, but there's a massive difference between being alone and being lonely. The only person I talked to today was a cashier at a gas station, and he didn't even talk to me, I gave my pleasant hellos and have a good day, and he just kinda looked at me, which was fine I guess. Oh and the guy at the dining hall too, who is always there and he's awesome. He's the head of the food and housing whatever the hell it's called, and he's been so so kind and awesome to me, which I truly appreciate. The only positive interaction I've had with a human being today. And that shit's tough! Especially when you don't really like yourself that much. I'm trying to work past it, but I have a lot of deep insecurity rooted in internalized homophobia that's developed because of where I grew up, in yeehaw bumfuck redneck town U.S.A. That of course led to some internalized racism that I have since conquered, but I still have a LOT of work to do. I have so much shame and anxiety just based on how I grew up, and that shit sucks, especially because i KNOW IT EXISTS BUT I CAN'T GET RID OF IT!!! Pisses me off exponentially. Anyways, I have a paper I have to write by the end of tonight, so I'm gonna stop rambling on now. If you've read this far, I deeply appreciate you you're awesome, and like I said before, I'm so sorry.