Ego.
This place has been inflating my ego, and it's affecting my head space. Perhaps it's a case of imposter syndrome. But I think I figured out why I don't like it here. It's getting to my head and I feel like I won't be able to keep my ego in check if I continue to stay here.
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Thanks for having a conversation in my head.
You helped me without even knowing it. Not sure if I should even tell you this. But somehow I managed to share with you without even you bring there.
Thanks for letting me be honest. Though there were still stuff I am unwilling to share.
Our convo went a little something like this...
EC was asking me if I'm dating anyone.. And I felt like that's when you went quiet and alittle off. I replied to EC that my last date was around April/May.
And when she asked why I didn't continue. I simply just said that I wasn't in the mood - but truth be told I just didn't want to share this with everyone at the table. And I just wanted to only share that with you.
Which I guess I got a chance to in my head.
/in my head/
We had a nice convo about this where I shared about how on one of the last dates someone asked what I wanted.. Which made me realize that I was just completely not ready. Whatever thoughts I had were gone, there wasn't any strength to belief or rely on. Which is why I decided to just stop trying to go on pointless dates (but looking back I guess this was the first step to figuring out what I'd want).
You were attentive, really cared and even offered to spend more time with me so that I wouldn't feel lonely. Which I am very grateful for. (And even in my dreams - I guess I don't even give myself any chance to succumb to my true feelings.) there's more that I want, more that I wanted to share. but I refuse to entertain that idea. Because I know very well where that will lead.. Into another spiral - I've spiraled for long enough. I don't want to experience that again.
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sunday — a lot of sunlight, mostly lying around, some reading
instagram
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when ur listening to ur favorite song and it hits the chorus
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You deserve a relationship that enables you to sleep peacefully at night.
R.H. Sin (via thoughtkick)
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“these stars are for you, child.”
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