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[ranubis]

somehow instead of saying "as a treat", I've started using the phrase "for morale", as if my body is a ship and its crew, and I (the captain) have to keep us in high spirits, lest we suffer a mutiny in the coming days.

and so I will eat this small block of fancy cheese, for morale. I will take a break and drink some tea, for morale. I will pick up that weird bug, for morale.

I'm not sure if it helps, but it does entertain me

[ranubis]

Imagine that. You're Aragorn. You're Isildur's heir. You inspire loyalty wherever you go. All who know you love you. Your people will follow you into the gates of hell. You're a deadly and valiant soldier, yet your hands also have magical healing powers. You save Middle Earth and become a great and beloved king.

You're own creator still says you're not good enough for Eowyn

[ranubis]

Klimt + The Addams Family

[ranubis]

We get, rightfully imo, pretty sad and somber and naval-gazey about Discworld and Sir Terry on the 25th of May but I need everyone who might be discovering this series through this annual outpouring of love and sadness that these books are mostly just really fucking funny. Like, they're heart-wrenching and poignant but really they can only pull that off because they're also the funniest books ever written. There's a line near the end of Hogfather that, when I read it, made me feel more deeply connected to, like, the concept of humanity then I ever have before, but the book was only able to deliver that because the rest of it is about what if Santa Claus got kidnapped and a Big Skeleton had to take over his job? It's a patently ridiculous series but that is absolutely also where it's power comes from.

[ranubis]

The Funniest Possible Star War: an AU where the Kaminoans get wise just a LITTLE earlier.

Like. Instead of waiting until the inhibitor chips are activated and the Empire is already ascendant to realize that the Galactic Empire absolutely will not allow there to be a planet that mass-produces clone armies for the highest bidder, they have this realization BEFORE Order 66 goes out.

AU where the Kaminoan government looks at their position, looks at the likely fallout, and weighs their futures under a Galactic Empire to whom they are a threat that has outlived its usefulness VS a grateful but still slow-moving Republic, with all its factions and legalities intact, its social mores primarily unchanged….its army filled with thinking, feeling men to whom Kamino is their homeworld and who are in control of their free will and thus capable of refusing orders that strike at their own hearts…its main enemy in the form of the Separatist Alliance neutralized but not utterly annihilated, ripe for both sides being played against the middle…

And quietly, about six weeks before Knightfall, without telling anyone, just…..deactivates the chips. Sends out a pulse via comm channel designed to fry or alter them. Remote killswitch. Something like that.

So Palpatine like. He’s WON. He’s TRIUMPHANT. He kills the Jedi strike team, gets Anakin to kill Mace Windu, names his new apprentice Vader, has him swear allegiance, sends him to wipe out the Jedi, goes all “COMMANDER CODEEEE”

“exEcUtE oRDeR SIxtY sIx”

and

nothing

happens.

Cody politely asks for clarification because that’s not a term in the GAR manual, sir, apologies. Long pause. Cody equally politely apologizes and explains that he’s in a pitched battle, sir, but I’m sure the General will contact you when we’ve taken the planet.

[Palpatine voice] “Hwat.”

He hits the next button on his carefully-curated Order 66 contact booklet for the high-priority targets he wants taken out before the general transmission so they don’t get any warning. He sits impatiently through the tinkly elevator music.

“COMMANDER REX EXECUTE ORDER 66″

Rex blinks, explains he’s not familiar with that code, sir, but Rex is a little less polite than Cody due to long-term exposure to Anakin Skywalker, and has the presence of mind to also point out that the Supreme Chancellor isn’t even technically IN the GAR chain of command, he’s a CIVILIAN leader, what’s going on–

Palpatine hangs up on him.

Okay, fine, whatever. Annoying but not unsurpassable, those two were ALWAYS an irritant, their clone commanders must have done something to the chips, it WAS a clone from Skywalker’s battalion who nearly discovered them after all. He’ll take out the rest of the Council and the all-call general transmission will take out the rest of the Order, he can deal with the treacherous 501-B and 212th later–

Shaak Ti’s clone commander asks in abject bewilderment how the Supreme Chancellor even got his personal comm number. He’s not even on duty. It’s 3am. Half the Council’s clones don’t even respond. Those that do just promise to have their Jedi call back about this Order 66 thing when they’re available.

He sends the general transmission with significantly less gravitas than originally planned.

He immediately starts getting confused email notifications. Unduli sends a TEXT from some random rank-and-file clone’s comms politely reminding him that she was present for the most recent strategy meeting and there was no operation codenamed Order 66, and reminds him coolly to respect the chain of command. Depa Billaba’s commander not only calls back but actually GETS HER ON COMMS to ask if she knows the term. They patch her padawan into the call to puzzle it out. The padawan asks Palpatine what happened to his face. He sits through three full minutes of playful banter before screaming and cutting the line.

Anakin gets downstairs to kick off Knightfall. The 501st blinks at their orders, exchange long looks, agree wholeheartedly, and stun him in the back the moment he turns around before dragging his ass to the Temple medical wing. 

The war ends twelve hours later.

Palpatine throws a chair through a window.

[ranubis]

Conservatives will be like “Why are you holding me accountable for my bigoted beliefs? Whatever happened to tolerance???”

[ranubis]

this is like just a fourth of a whole musical medley addressing that you can’t live like the simpsons anymore. harsh :(

[ranubis]

Sun Tzu is so fucking funny to me because for his time he was legitimately a brilliant tactician but a bunch of his insight is shit like "if you think you might lose, avoid doing that", "being outnumbered is bad generally", and "consider lying."

[ranubis]

I am an unabashed fan of swords, but it is genuinely tragic how slept on warhammers are as symbolic weapons

[ranubis]

Appleseed: Ex Machina (2007)

[ranubis]

When I was very small I heard of boysenberry flavored ice cream

But I thought they were saying "poison berry"

And since I was somewhat familiar with the yew and bittersweet nightshade that grew by my home, I figured those were the poison berries in question.

But I was no dummy--I knew all about the existence of artificial flavors. Obviously they weren't selling ice cream that contained REAL poison.

So, therefore, someone must have eaten the poison berries and described to a team of food scientists what they tasted like, in their last moments

Just like

The ultimate dedication to flavor

[ranubis]

A crumb of serotonin for you

[ranubis]

oh fuck internalized too much lotr as a kid, actually believe there’s good in the world or some kinda shit

[ranubis]

*slamming pans together*

WAKEY WAKEY, EGGS AND BAKEY! TIME TO GET TO WORK, BIG GUY! HURRY UP NOW!

You are a part of a cult that believes the end of the world is near. Unlike most doomsday cults your group is made up of ex-scientists who discovered an ancient evil deep within the earth, and found that it was due to awaken in a few weeks time.

[ranubis]