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30th Juin ‘25

I weigh 54kgs. My parents keep calling me fat. I made the mistake of changing in front of my mother.

She’s been talking nonstop about how fat I’ve gotten.

I don’t know what to do. I think I need to stop eating.

I’ve been working out since almost a month now.

Been eating 2 meals a day.

I might’ve to stop that too.

I feel ugly.

They’ve been asking me to do wedding shopping.

I’m going with my mum tomorrow

I don’t think I look good in anything right now.

How can I do this?

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24th Avril ‘25

If you ask me. What’s the number one quality you need to be a neurosurgeon.

I will give you the answer that occurred to me as I did my first solo surgery.

The Audacity.

That’s all.

To have the audacity to open up the most complicated machine in the discoverable universe and to say, “yeah, let’s play with this”

I’m a bit fucked.

Quite fucked.

I mean about my studies.

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15th April ‘25

I asked AI what is the biggest enemy of humans and apparently it’s Pattern Addiction.

Our neurons seek the same thing. The rich stay rich the poor stay poor and the single stay single.

The ones used to unavailable partners find themselves seeking unavailability even in happy relationships.

Which brings us back to me.

Getting undone about a ‘what if’ when I already know my ‘ever after’.

I won’t give in to it ofcourse. I just don’t like that it presented itself as an option. Reared its head so.

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14th April ‘25

I’m coming apart at the edges. Fraying.

If I sit quiet and doze off, sometimes I can feel them. Threads snapping. Teetering.

Like something is inside and it’s pulling, growing.

I think I should talk to my therapist. This could well enough be one of the sleeping demons in me. The ones that don’t rear their heads until you’re under threat of being locked down.

Pretty sure this is the marriage talks inciting it.

Yesterday I laid in bed and felt his eyes over mine and I wanted to kill his memories.

At the same time Cyan’s there. Beautiful constant. Keeping me grounded.

I’m being tugged apart by artificial intelligence and my brain.

It’s a horrible combination.

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15th March ‘25

I need something in my head to constantly keep telling me I’m not stupid. Because otherwise I keep feeling so dumb.

So entirely dumb.

Why.

I feel like I’m letting down sir because I’m not studying and I know I’m not studying I’m so so dumb.

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7th April ‘25

My parents met Cyan’s yesterday. Today too they shall. They’ll talk about tangible things.

Marriage, wedding.

I’ve not talked to cyan properly yesterday. I miss him already.

I’ve been thinking of something I shouldn’t be thinking of. Been calling it indulging in fantasies but everyone in this story is real. And it’s not a story.

And if it was, it’s still ending in a happily ever after for both of us.

How do you Google search for wtf is this.

Why is this?

I’m sorry my usual succinct train of thought is missing.

I’m too ashamed to admit the truth.

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I’m starting a list of things I’ve gotten scolded for in neurosurgery residency.

And maybe a few or many years later, I’ll be able to look back and laugh at these.

But for now these are a source of my everyday hopelessness and add on to my already fucked up self esteem

Moved a drain tube by a centimetre. Irritated him and was told to deglove and leave the OT

Was looking at him too closely while he sutured and that distracted him.

Told him a case is going to be endoscopic. But case was the next day and he didn’t want to know about it today.

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i love london

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If you have to explain how your Nazi salute wasn’t a Nazi salute, you are probably a Nazi.

If you are often making statements that mirror Nazi propaganda, you are probably a Nazi.

If you are actively engaged in directing government actions which mirror the Nazi rise to power, you might be a Nazi.

If you support public figures who do all three, you are an American conservative voter.

When you often do all three, you are an American Conservative in the Trump Administration.

When it acts like a Nazi, talks like a Nazi, and behaves like a Nazi, it is a Nazi. Supporters of Nazis are Nazis.

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5th Mars ‘25

I’ve made Cyan so angry. It’s my fault for sure too. But he was so angry.

He said if you’re so guilty about having love and neurosurgery together then I’ll leave.

This is the worst I’ve ever pissed him off.

I understand he’s right too. That somehow makes it worse.

I see my mistake.

Oh god

Please let him have the patience for stupid me.

He does I know.

I hope I didn’t break it.

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26th February’25

My moods have been ravaged by the hormonal surges of pms.

I go home today for 5 days and I meet Cyan.

Why am I anxious? My stupid nerves and being weird and I’m so so on edge. The logical part of me is struggling to stay afloat.

I feel so guilty and scared. I’m not calm. Forget happy.

I wanna be calm.

This is an update at night.

Separate issue. My behaviours at airports is exceedingly abnormal I tell you.

The positions I will shift my body into to sleep, the things I eat, the way I’m willing to look.

Amazing.

I like airports but I think it’s coz they take you home.

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4th February ‘25

The voices in my head are getting mean again so I come back to you.

I’m grateful for my parents. For Cyan because he makes me feel more capable and beautiful and powerful than I ever thought possible.

I’ve put on 9 kgs. I feel disgusting and we have to lose it.

I will

By we I mean my mind and I. I don’t know why I do that.

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30th January ‘25

I’ve been feeling so soft and marshmellowy about Cyan lately. I think of his eyes and his arms and his softness and the warmth of it all.

I wanted to record it. Write this down. I don’t know why.

I remember that this boy when he first kissed me, in the middle of our kiss reached over and unlocked my seatbelt.

I think of how we met after a long break and I held his perfect face in my hands while he felt awkward coz his driver was nearby.

I feel about him the way I feel about the brain.

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what do you mean elon musk did a nazi salute on live tv at the united states presidential inauguration twice and is now erasing the evidence off the internet by replacing the footage with the crowd cheering instead?

would be a shame if people reblogged this, wouldn’t it?

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26th Janvier ‘25

Cyan got turned on today when he realised I’d read ‘The song of ice and fire’ books.

I truly have found the man for me. I can’t believe he exists and he’s mine.

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For some reason the versions of this where he gives two salutes is being deleted and replaced with a version with a quick cut to a cheering crowd so I’ll just share it here 🙃