razor-twat

[razor-twat]

Should i be worried my resting pulse is 110 after working in 31C for 8h..

I decided to just wait this renovation out. And slowly destroy my mental health with working too much to make up money wise the 2 weeks i lost for nothing (bc i thought the renov was then and i was out of city for 2 weeks.. . And i can't afford losing a full month's salary so this is the only option left.

I should study but i'm so exhausted. I can't do anything stupid bc i'm going to norway to a festival in 3 weeks. I need to study. At least on sunday when i don't have work.

[razor-twat]

It's been 1h i might feel how the benzo is starting to take a hold. Chemistry take me under i need to get this anxiety offline for a minute or i'll snap

It has been almost an year since i needed this level of anxiety meds but oh well

[razor-twat]

Funny how working makes me wanna jump off a roof sooner or later lol i'm not meant for this adult life but i'll keep going - and i can buy nice things for myself with the money.. and maybe if i make enough - a car AND a cottage hideout in the middle of nowhere.

[razor-twat]

I just want ONE WEEK of nothing and chill ONE FUCKING WEEK without surprises or schedule changes!!! ONE!!!!

Just ONE!!!!

[razor-twat]

22/7/25

Plumbing renovation starts today. I was away for 2.5 weeks bc it was supposed to be at that time. It was not. They're gonna take my kitchen and shower room tomorrow for 1 week. Then one week free and then they take the wc for one week.

I gotta live through this bc i got work. I gotta work. I lost 1.5 weeks of salary already for nothing now i can't afford going to parents'. I feel cornered and terrified. I got so much work shifts i will be contemplating train tracks by this week's end. I just gotta keep going.

I've had a damn bad panic attack for 2h.. i took ¼ if benzo it starts working soonish and tomorrow i can think. Or tonight i can thing rationally about this all.

I know this leads to ed relapse bc i gotta somehow cope with this anxiety this gives me. But i'll live. I'll survive. Norway festival week is just 3 weeks away. I can't do anything stupid.

Go to work and study and sleep and eat and don't give a fuck about the renov. Luckily i'm at work when there's strange working men around the apartment. I'll be ok.

I just needed to yell to the void for a moment. I'm gonna try keep eating keep sleeping keep working keep studying i gotta drag my existence onwards. I'm not gonna do anything dumb.

Autistic anxious girl vs Big Fucking Nasty Surprise

[razor-twat]

20/7/25

Was in the social thing for 4 days and talked to many people again and saw friends and tolerated horrible screaming children and kids that wanted to talk to me...

The heatwave makes me wanna do stupid things or sleep for ever. I gotta go to my city soon. I'm so low on energy again :/

I gotta work a lot next week gotta get the money, it will be fine. Soon i can start planning the big adventures again to norway to this festival.

My face hurts from masking and talking and my eyes look dead.

[razor-twat]

15/7/25

yesterday was just panic attacks and anxiety attacks but i think today might be better. I'm gonna study and hermit. Take a walk in the late evening when it has cooled off. Heatwave makes me extra depressed since i just feel so uncomfortable all the time.

but i'll get through this. i feel restless because all i wanna do is write and study but million other things like work and social life and things 1-7 are on my way.

i'll get through this. Every passing day brings me closer to winter again. This horrible summer will pass. Soon is festival time again. i'll make money (enough to survive at least), i'm completely independent, no man no benefits no tuition and i'm gonna be fine. Ofc the last one: i'll keep applying to scholarships and things but this country is in recession so do u think they fund arts/cultural studies research at this time?? not likely - but can happen.

my routines keep getting wrecked and that destabilizes my days and moods. there's strangers all around i'll get a new roommate which means i'll feel odd in my own home for a while until i get to know her. but maybe it's not that bad. Maybe we will be friends even. Who knows?

[razor-twat]

12/7/25

Took a walk it's still non-goth-safe weather outside pls can this heatwave pass (it's been 1 day) i'm overheating with my antidepressants .. i want a good storm too, and rain, please

Dad still refuses to talk to me bc i called his it must be my way or i do it again my way -household chores nonsense autistic. Bro i didn't inherit it via god given curse.

This weather makes me wanna relapse but i think i'm gonna try eating slightly more just so i'm not so brain foggy all the time.

Also i remember when i got a likely almost-heart attack after being in ed nonsense for 2 years and that scared me. Still scares me. My heart just started doing these odd fast palpitations and my vision started going dark and i was so dizzy and felt horrible. Back then i was so suicidal i just laid down and waited if i died or not (i didn't, ofc).

[razor-twat]

Upgrade: horrible energy in the house parents are having a little quarrel too

I'm gonna put on my headphones and pretend it doesn't exist

Ahaa it's mom defending me and dad sulking still.....

Yea headphones and it doesn't exist

5 min later

Dad apologized but not normally but with the victim card i'm sorry i'm such a horrible bitch and i had to be the adult (i am 26 but) fucking ridiculous all of this

[razor-twat]

12.7.2025

And it happened again i put the laundry machine on and dad got there to complain that the program is wrong i'm doing it all wrong the laundry is not gonna get clean.. but then was like noo you can't cancel and change the program i'll just stand there and watch how it all goes go ruin and then do it all by myself again

And when i got slightly mad about it.. he started sulking. Your autistic ass needs a diagnosis, man! Like how about thank you - no? Your ocd needs a diagnosis, man!

The program got changed and he went to sulk. Last time i clean any of his stuff in the batch when i'm here. Your clothes can rot in the pile for all i care from now on :) fuck off

Like i'm very exhausted mentally and this is the thanks i get :) fuck off will you

[razor-twat]

Everyone in the house has horrible energy atm. Sister is going through autistic meltdown bc of unknown reasons. Mom and dad just think she's childish and are being rude back. I keep to my room.

Like i think it would help if this whole ass family took the damn neurodivergent test. Me and my sis didn't get it from nowhere. Dad has to have Plans and Routines and if things are done differently he just follows u and does it his way and doesn't realize how annoying this can be.

[razor-twat]

I want a gothic cyberpunk outfit.. with a post-apocalyptic twist so guess i'll just start upcycling my clothes.

[razor-twat]

also i need to start working out i wanna be that "mentally ill, well read and fit" neither-of-a-bitch, when i danced i was so fit and then i stopped dancing and even if i weigh a lot less i'm still not completely happy with my body

[razor-twat]

i can't feel at peace until everyone has gone to sleep and i feel like everyone is mad at me (they're not, i'm just a mess) and i wanna either go for an insanely long walk or nap for days .. but i gotta keep on studying

i feel stuck phd wise and it's giving me anxiety too, i just gotta keep doing and writing and researching if it was easy everyone would have a damn doctorate

[razor-twat]

10/7/25

Trying to concentrate on studying but i feel so tired. I keep forgetting i'm still depressed. Anyways i'm in an okay mood i'm just so tired. I'm gonna take a nap and it's all gonna be fine.

Trying to drink less coffee too and calm down my caffeine addiction. Then again i need a few dysfunctional habits or i start ed nonsense, sh or something worse.. i got my shit together but barely.

It's summer and beautiful and i feel wrong not being in the countrysite. Cities worsen my anxiety. Suburbs make me wanna die. Right now i just gotta pretend none of it exists. And i need to stop reading the news.

And stop doomscrolling. I would be stellar if i just read all that time i spend on ig/youtube/whatever.

[razor-twat]

9/7/25

I watched blade runner again and i just remember watching it when i was 15 and just feeling like i was closer to the replicants than actual people. I still feel the same way, 11 years later.

[razor-twat]

Tried explaining mom what cognitive empathy is and i think she still considers me a -path of some sorts after my paranoia + anxiety + autism was misdiagnosed as unclear antisocial traits.. more than 10 years ago when i was a messed up teen.

I just don't feel your feelings. I think it through. Then i try to help according to my best abilities. Does that sound like a psychopath to you??? Like where's the malicious intent??? Girl who doesnt co-feel other ppl's emotions -> must be a dangerous individual :/ like low empathy doesn't mean i'm not trying, i care i just don't know how it all works

Also i read from my old papers that my dad said yeah she's like my mom (actual narcissist) and that made me kinda .. feel things.