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[rei-definition]

The Fall

A good number of people will agree that despite our faiths, upbringings, beliefs, and trajectories in life, we all share a common essence. Whether this is simply by virtue of being human or by virtue of stemming from the same spiritual origin or consciousness is perhaps even immaterial, ultimately, for as long as one can experience that sense of intrinsic connection. One doesn’t need to wax philosophical to allude to this -- it is found, like the universally acknowledged secret, the ubiquitous, ringing chord that it is, simultaneously inside and around all of us. It is that nameless spirit of evocation and sacrifice and sex and selflessness -- the feeling of melting into the safety of someone’s arms; the feeling of returning a stranger’s smile on a grey, wet day; the feeling of being rendered speechless by art and beauty so profound and dashing that for a second you both forget and discover yourself all at once. Yes, a sense of discovery is crucial to this, because it is when you find a little shard of yourself buried in someone else’s heart that you realize we are all inextricably linked, in some long-forgotten, aching song of eons past.

This song, or mystical Origin, or collective unconsciousness, even God -- whatever form it may assume to the individual -- is a place of insurmountable love, grace, and hope; of innocence and vulnerability, of trust and safety and support, of freedom and potential. It is from here that we all derive our basic need to be loved, safe, and happy.

Yet we experience this so little and so rarely that it is safe to say it is not the only thing that connects us. Indeed, in extension, we are also connected by the fact that we are all fallen -- disconnected from this place of love and contentment, as though unwillingly and rudely awoken from a blissful slumber and thrown out of bed. The shock of this experience is so massive and so traumatic that it becomes the defining characteristic of the rest of our lived experiences. The cheeky “Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?” acquires a new meaning now; yes, it did, it hurt so much it caused permanent and irreversible damage.

This permanent damage is the development of the ego itself. The ego, the individual’s conception of the self, of identity, of desire, of distinctness and individualism -- these are crucial components of our everyday existence, and rightly so. Without a sense of self one cannot survive. And yet, for as long as we are shackled to our sense of self and all its associated trappings, we are doomed to forget our transcendent origins.

If it can be said we were happy and free of evil, sadness, and longing in our original state of connectivity, then it is upon receiving scar upon scar from a harsh and unforgiving reality that we fall, and crystallize our personalities around ego delusions. These delusions are cruel and often self-destructive beliefs that we develop about ourselves and the world because it is what our wounds would have us think. We don’t receive the love we need and expect, so we believe we are unlovable. We don’t receive support and protection, so we believe the world is a cruel and unsafe place. We don’t feel happiness, so we assume we must live swamped in darkness and melancholy. We begin from a place of victimization and despair, and upon this bedrock we lay the foundations of our personalities and our worldviews. The world now seems like an eternal obstacle course; a fight that must be won to grant the victor happiness.

And so, as warriors do, we fight the good fight. We strengthen ourselves up, and we become invincible. We develop opinions and have heady disagreements. We look for love and companionship, and often fail to find it. From time to time we feel hopelessness, depression, anger, disillusionment, fear, and sadness. To live in a monstrous world, we develop monstrous qualities ourselves. We sharpen our claws and bare our fangs to ensure we can make it out of life in one piece. This isn’t even reprehensible -- simply necessary.  The ego is essential to survival, and grows as a defense mechanism against the traps and vagaries of the world.

However, to reconnect with our origins of love and faith, the ego must be questioned, deconstructed, and ultimately experience a state of dissolution, even if temporarily. For as long as one dwells on what makes us all different from each other, and what boundary lines lie between the self and the world, one cannot experience that state of transcendent connection of which one of the defining tenets itself is an absence of boundaries, divisions, and lines in the sand. One must willingly rip their shells off their backs and turn over to expose their soft underbellies to the sun, consequently experiencing what is commonly termed an “ego death”. The shell of the ego ceases to exist without the sustenance provided by life energy, and when it is ripped apart from the soul and recognized for the construct that it is, it becomes but dust in the wind. When this happens, the individual can finally re-experience that evocative sense of tranquility and joy that all our souls inherently long to be bonded with again.

If only life were so easy, though! Without a shell to carry us around in the world -- without a sense of assumptions, opinions, and mental shortcuts, an individual cannot reasonably carry out a life as a social human being. These assumptions and opinions, as well as choices, ultimately form themselves into an identity, which means that even someone who undergoes a transcendent experience must need to regain an identity and an ego to continue with their daily lives. This may seem disillusioning, and it certainly was to me, but it's worth remembering that that does not exclude us from experiencing ample moments of connection and transcendence every now and then, and it certainly does not "lower" us from any notion of goodness. Goodness and purity still bleeds through every which crack in the universe, and indeed the vast outpouring of human effort every second -- effort directed towards gaining a better, happier, and more peaceful life -- does have a massively empowering and emboldening effect on both the individual and the masses. It may be an imperfect recreation of the profound bliss and transcendence of grace, or Heaven, or salvation, or universal energy, or whatever you want to call it. But it is beautiful in its own broken, splintered, and ephemeral right, and even in its fleeting stay it reminds us of our true nature and what we are capable of being and feeling for one another. A "heaven on earth", if you will, and it is already here for us fallen souls to rejoice in, and has always been. All it takes is perspective.

[rei-definition]

Potato

Fuck off 

[rei-definition]

That one drug, connection

I have always had a recklessly addictive attachment style, for better or for worse. All of me yearns perpetually for a sense of merging and sublimation with that Perfect Other. Make no mistake, this Perfect Other does not have to be just one person or thing; as a matter of fact, the title has grown onto several subjects in the course of my (admittedly small) lifetime, and I don’t doubt at all that I will assign it to many more as the years pass. However, when it exists, it is all that exists in my eyes. I have a vociferously one-track mind, and when I desire something, I gain a laser-sharp focus onto this one thing and nothing else. It feeds me, poisons me, enlivens me, and shatters me. 

Essentially, this particular brand of desire is like an eternal intoxication. It makes you heady, blinded, and yet curiously awake and alive. The beauty and intensity of the feeling, the need to devour and be devoured -- this engulfs you greater than any wave, any wildfire. 

It is strange and commendable, then, how it tangibly exists in the smallest and most precious of moments. The fleeting ones, the ones that are smoky and hazy in your memory because you had no idea you would ever need to struggle to remember them one day. In that infinitesimal space between you and what you love, there exists an ocean of emotion, a torrent of attraction and connection and destruction, and most importantly, a desperate and magnetic need. How such an immense and overwhelming feeling can be contained in as small as a touch or a smile or the moment before a kiss, defeats me.

It is in that minutest of spaces that the universe itself exists. In those cracks in your personas exists an outpouring of creative energy that sustains and motivates all of us above anything else. Perhaps this is what they call the soul, and perhaps this is what they call God, and maybe it is neither or both. Maybe all of creation is gloriously packaged into every one of our small, imperfect, and limited forms. That would begin to explain why when you look into the eyes of someone you love -- a small, objectively meaningless gesture -- you see the entire universe, and you see everything that matters to you. For a second, you discover that inexplicable reason you are alive, all contained within this imperfect and curious little person in front of you. You are thrilled, and thought washes itself away from your brain. You are simply happy to be alive. 

At least, this is how I see it.

I live and die for these unspeakably gorgeous and simple moments with the passions and people that I love. They are rare, and they are horribly and painfully fleeting, and yet they are absolutely exquisite. It is in these simple glories that I find the vitality and the drive to keep moving forward and make something beautiful out of my life. In these mundane and grounded seconds of my life I find my transcendence, and I realize there is nothing greater or more intrinsic than this sense of love and connection. Without it we are nothing but husks and shells of ourselves, grasping neurotically for our next shot of euphoria.

[rei-definition]

Norms, part 2

One could also argue that no one can ever be truly original, except perhaps the first people on this planet, because to some extent, all our knowledge of the world is informed and biased by our perception of the environment, its norms, and the actions of people around us. 

What we CAN say is truly unique is the experiences we have gathered, the people we have encountered, and the patchwork of personal attitudes and worldviews we have constructed inside our head. Our preferences and choices.

So in a sense, being truly free from norms is impossible, at least in our current model of perception. But hey, whatever. As long as we know that.

[rei-definition]

Norms

Mood: precipitous, mildly curious

Currently listening to: Marilyn Manson - Third Day of a Seven Day Binge

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Part of what inspired this post is the above song (and a bunch of other songs by unrelated artists), but that’s not entirely it -- it’s something I’ve pondered a lot in relation to myself as well. 

Anyway, we’re all tethered to norms of some kind or the other. Sturdy, reliable pillars that have withstood the test of time and show no (hopefully) signs of erosion. We cling to them like terrified sparrows in a storm, deathly afraid that if we let go, we will be whisked away into the terrifying, chaotic unknown. That spinning vortex of everything, and nothing -- where definitions and patterns cease to exist and all that exists is pure, unfiltered, overwhelming perception. 

All of that sounds really dramatic, anyway. Often, it’s not that poetic, or even that easy to detect. 

I mean, you have the stereotypical “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” people, and that’s probably the sort of person most people envision when they think of someone who clings to the norms and is afraid of change. Sure, yeah, they’re included.  

But then there’s the “progressive” and “open-minded” generation, too, which considers itself independent and unshackled, moving on with the times, unafraid of change. If I had to pick and choose where I lie, I’d prefer to call myself an outlier uninterested in embracing either of these cultures. And perhaps, too, I’m making this more black and white than it actually is, because it is a spectrum with extreme conservatism on one end and extreme open-mindedness on the other. Maybe some of us don’t lie on the spectrum at all. But one thing is for sure: everyone embraces norms of some kind.

Norms are social rituals, beliefs, and practices that are considered “standard”. You could be enslaved by the norm that you are not allowed to wear whatever you want. Let’s assume you break it. What are the chances you’re going to end up stepping into a new norm in the process, which could be dressing in crop tops and black leggings paired with a contoured face and red lipstick?

I don’t mean to say that that’s bad. Shit, I like crop tops and black leggings myself, so you do whatever the hell you want lol. But I’m saying that for most of us, the process of slipping into new norms is so effortless that we don’t even notice. Our minds automatically realize that this is the new in thing. This is the new “way to be free and unshackled”. And you know, every generation has that -- a worldview and a lifestyle it considers progressive and open-minded. But that’s the thing. These are norms too. 

I’ll offer another example. Today’s social trend when it comes to the generation of teenagers and young adults is to be bold, experiment, express and be whoever you want. It condemns slow movers and cynics; it glorifies entrepreneurs, extroverts, and passionate young CEOs of startups. It lauds the person who stands up and makes a difference, and forgets entirely about the people who aren't concerned with standing up and expressing themselves. They can do whatever the hell they want, but they are not bringing value to the system, so are they really exemplary? It posits that in relationships, the fear of commitment and being "tied down" is more important than the fear of independence and abandonment -- despite the two being equally valid fears. Bold, friendly, independent, open, experimental, stylish, constantly active -- you be that, and you're perfect. You're living the dream.

There are people who shun this extroverted, "think positive and aim higher" culture and stand to represent themselves in oppositional ways. They like being darker and more morbid; more like "fuck society". There are also people who like playing themselves up as "awkward introverts" who like to dress in baggy sweatshirts, drink too much coffee, curl up with Netflix and play with their cats or whatever. It seems like no matter where we look, people are trying to fit into one box or the other. Shit, I do it too. The easiest standard for me to live up to is that of the "good", righteous, principled, and competent achiever. By that notion, everything in my life should always be slightly secondary to achievement. Pragmatism and a good CV -- those offer me the best benefits should I choose to live up to that norm.

But I don't think many of us even want to be shackled to so many norms. I think a lot of us really do want to discover ourselves, but the process turns out to be so tedious that we take small shortcuts along the way. We whittle away tiny quirks and aspects of our personality to make the shoe fit, so to speak. It's not even conscious, I think; it just happens automatically because the process of being too unabashedly ourselves is too mentally jarring and time-consuming. No wonder some of the most individualistic artists and musicians are withdrawn people. The process of charting out every little bump and dip in your identity is excruciatingly long and quite frankly, endless. To remain constantly authentic to yourself, you'd have to keep filtering all mental input whatsoever.

Sometimes it doesn't even seem worth it. I heard someone once say that being authentic is inefficient and probably impossible, and it's better to be sincere in your journey instead. Which means a little bending and adapting here and there is totally fine, as long as you're doing it with the intention of achieving the best possible result in the current context.

But is that RIGHT? I'm the sort of person who is rather permeable, and whenever I look at people being unabashedly themselves, I'm like "shit, I'd like to be like that". You know, I'm really fond of people with strong and unique identities, because I tend to be adaptable, diplomatic, and professional as opposed to "unabashedly myself". Even when I discovered Manson's music, I was quite impressed by his counter-culture style, thought it was really passionate and inventive, and wondered if it would be cool to be counter-culture and slather on the eyeliner and hair color.

Though technically, THAT is following a norm too. I'd be playing along to someone else's concept of identity if I were to do that simply because I'm bored of being a by-the-book sort of person. And that's not authentic either, simply because it's different. So you know, I'm in this curious state of identity limbo; of not knowing what attitudes and activities really make me who I am. For some people this is way easier than to be bound by what is socially acceptable, but for me it's easier to mold myself into existing models of correctness and goodness than it is to really express myself. For that reason I've always felt like a "light", sweet, and worrisome kind of person compared to the "dark" sorts of people I befriend. The people I tend to befriend are usually comfortable with questioning societal assumptions to the point that they recognize their caricatured and surreal nature and are able to effortlessly distance themselves from whatever aspects of the norm they just don't like. And to me -- and a lot of people -- that's an insanely cool quality, despite it being the normal course of life for people like that. They're not necessarily better than the more adaptable "normies"; they're just different, and a lot of them become the way they are because of their envy of and their discomfort with norms in the first place. But they provide a welcome balance.

So, I mean, that's a whole lot of intellectualization... I guess what I'm trying to say that being aware of the norms we are held back by can be really helpful in allowing us to transcend them. Are norms in themselves bad? No, many of them exist for a reason -- they're attitudes and styles of behavior and thinking that work for a lot of people. But they never, ever apply fully to anybody, and that's why being aware of even the smallest box that you've put yourself in; the smallest pattern or routine that you follow for no real reason other than because you should and it's cool... it helps you pick and choose what aspects you want to include in your ideal version of yourself. You know, the version of yourself that makes you feel truly satisfied with life and prepared to handle it. If that includes a few norms that you personally think are fun, go right ahead. But always, ALWAYS be aware of what you're doing and why you're doing it. I can bet you that most of us have so many assumptions and attitudes that we don't even know the "why" to.

So if you like crop tops, camel coats, joggers, expensive work-out clothes, aiming for Ivy League, having an Insta and a Snapchat, having a "normal" family and partner... like truly, GENUINELY like it, go right ahead. But never do something because it’s “sort of” ok and you don’t mind fitting in, seeing as it works for everyone else. Really. This isn’t a “don’t blend in!” post, it’s a “be aware of what you’re getting yourself into and choose wisely” post.

The ultimate goal is obviously to die without any regrets, because you don't wanna feel like you couldn't be everything you truly wanted to be; you couldn't try everything you repressed because "lol that's just ridiculous and impossible" (Is it, really?) If that involves dying your hair purple and having a week-long orgy with a bunch of hard rockers... go ahead and do it, lol. If it's just disconnecting from life and spending your entire summer playing video games, that's cool too. If it's doing that business degree and launching your own company despite just always having wanted a "simple" life, jump right into it.

You could very well say, "Wow, what a fucking revelation. You're basically telling me I can do whatever I want... how original." Don't reduce it down to that. The process of introspection and analyzation that precedes doing whatever you want will help you to avoid the vicious cycle of whittling yourself down and not really knowing what it is you truly want anyway.

In the end these are just my thoughts, and I direct them purely towards myself. If you don't agree, that's cool. That should serve as a disclaimer for future posts as well. I should probably put this on the sidebar.

[rei-definition]

Hello

This is my first post on this blog. I’ve had blogs and diaries before so I’m certainly no stranger to this platform -- and others -- but I decided to start one where I can openly muse about all the sentimental and intellectual over-analyzation I engage in whenever I’m free. Hey, what can I say? I have an interesting life inside my head. 

The blog is currently called “Re(i)definition” because:

a) It’s a play on the word “redefinition”, because I like looking at concepts from different angles and examining how redefining the tenets of your worldview can change the actions that you take

and

b) Rei is my online nickname. Someone I knew used to call me this for a while in the past, and it stuck. I’ve had a lot of online aliases, but this one was simple and meaningful (it means things like “spirit”/”soul” and “decency”/”decorum”), so I let people call me by that, and that’s how most people online know me now.

Ok, well, I don’t know how often or how long I’ll update this blog. Also, please don’t expect everything to be positive and motivational bullshit. I like realism. 

I hope some aspects of whatever I share resonate with you. See you around, or not.