remain-silence - Tumblr blog

[remain-silence]

one feet in front of the other. slowly but precise. the cold winter air enters on your nose and makes you shiver. makes you feel somewhat alive. because you are. you breath deeply, trying to convince yourself that everything is okay. you are okay. you even try to smile at yourself. but that’s way harder than you thought. you’re tired, I can see that. tired of feeling the way you do. all you need is a tight hug and a kiss on the forehead. lay on the grass mountain between yellow and small flowers and just let the sun suck in your skin. all the warmth and comfort. closing your eyes and receiveing the love. that’s all you need.

[remain-silence]

sometimes I think I’m not worth of loving. of being loved. I don’t think I’m enough. good enough. and then all I do is this. I’m a fucking mess. trying to find a way to fix myself when I’m so lost in my own head. to find myself. you are still here. after all I did. you’re still here. I honestly don’t know why. cause I don’t even want to be here with myself. but I own you so much. I own you being the girl you think I am. skinny, pale, long blonde silky hair and nice clothes. a caring but sometimes crazy girl. a 17 year old girl. a teenager. you deserve me at my best. and I’m fighting. I am. and I will get to my goal. and I will go to meet you. I will first punch of course. but then I will hug you so so so tightly that I might stop breathing. but I don’t mind. I don’t care about anything. I just wanna feel good about myself so I can have an actual life and be in your arms. you’re wainting for me. and it won’t be in vain. may (or sooner) I’ll be there. in your arms.

[remain-silence]

to get the control back

over your life

over you

so don’t you ever

think of giving up

because you need this

to keep going.

so keep moving forward

and don’t look back

you are stronger than you think

believe in yourself

you got this!

[remain-silence]

one week

it’s been exactly one week since we last talked. Since I last heard from you. And I can say I miss you. So much. I know I was the one who chose this. I was the one who decided to stay away. But it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It’s actually the opposite. I like you so much that hurts even thinking about you. You became so much in so little that I cannot even explain and understand if it is right. But I know it’s for the best. It’s been one week. I’ve been getting better. But this week I’ll get even more better. So that I can go and see you soon. I’m dying to meet you. But I’m also dying to know if you stil feel the same about me. Or if you even felt anything at all to begging with. I do think I am not confident at all in myself to think someone could even like me, but because you are so far away it’s kinda hard to know the exact truth. I hope you still like me. Because I like you. Truly. It’s constantly on my mind.. what if I was just one more girl you were talking to? What if I was just one more? And that’s how you talk to all the girls? What if I’m not even special to you? What if you are not even thinking about me or missing me? Because I was just some random girl you were talking too when you were bored or sad or emotional? What if? What the ducking if? Well, there’s no way for me to find out the truth. The only thing I can do right now is focus on myself, in getting skinnier and better mentally. So that I can flight to Korea and find out all of it. I wanna hear it from your mouth everything you have to say. And then I’ll finally be in peace. But for now, I’ll get skinny and beautiful. FOR MYSELF in the first place. So yea, I’ll do that. But I still miss you and hope you are fine. Geez why am I so pathetic.....

[remain-silence]

I like you you

simply you

I like your voice

your laugh

your nonsense.

I like to listen to whatever you say

even if it seems like I don’t give a damn

because it is like music to my ears

and I like music.

Funny how I am in my worse

and wasn’t looking for anyone

but you still somehow appeared

and here we are

talking for hours and hours

or simply staying in silence.

But at least it feels like we are together

even if miles away.

And just hearing your 안녕

makes my day brighter

like no one else ever did.

Oh wow!

how lovely

yeah

I like you.

[remain-silence]

everyday you have the chance to get closer to your goal. so do your best each day and eventually you will get there. you know what you have to do. no one will stop you. it’s all up to you. so everyday you have to exercise your butt off and eat as little as possible. sooner than you think you will get to you goal weight. do you really think you look pretty now? do you really think people in the streets look at you? you are just a no one. you are fat, ugly and disgusting. remember how good it was to be the center of attention? it was incredibly great! so don’t you want to go back to that? don’t you want to look down without clothes and be able to see no fat, just bones? lovely bones? touch your arms and they are so tiny that you can actually wrap your fingers around it and wear all the sleeveless tops in the world? touch you face and it’s so lean, beautiful cheekbones and jawline, no fat at all? touch your bony shoulders? touch your stomach and you can actually feel all the bones in there and even count them? touch you legs so skinny with a huge tight gap, no fat at all, and being able to wrap your hand around it? you can look like this. you can. and you will. it’s all up to you. but I know you will. because this is something you are thinking constantly. this is something you want so bad. this is something that will make your life better. this is something that will make you happy. and when it has to do with happiness, and specially your own, you won’t give up. you will work hard everyday. until you look in the mirror and say “I FUCKING DID IT! I AM 88cm hips and 60cm waist AND I AM FINALLY PERFECT! NOW LETS TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND GO BACK TO LIVING TO THE FULLEST!!!”. I will say that to myself in the mirror. And if I work harder everyday, this day will get closer and closer. So keep pushing. You will do this. Keep going. I’m proud of you.

[remain-silence]

tomorrow is Monday

a new week is starting

so let’s get together

it’s been so little days

and you already lost some weight

doesn’t it feel incredible?

If you eat less and exercise more

You’ll lose the weight even faster

It’s time now

To get more focused on this

So you can finally leave this place

Go to your dream country

Meet the love of your life

Work and make money

Look perfect and wear the clothes you love

And finally be happy.

Work hard it will eventually pay off

New week new you

Let’s lose this weight

and get fucking skinny

I can do this

Its not that hard

Just eat fruits/veggies ONLY

and exercise AS MUCH AS YOU CAN

Good night

and take control over you life

It’s all up to you

It’s something that is constantly on your mind

So be disciplined

Be a good girl

Do everything right

In order to be perfect

In order to be skinny

In order to be happy

[remain-silence]

tired of being fat

all I’m thinking lately is being skinny

what I eat

how much I exercise

I have literally 1 month to get to my goal

And I’ll do everything I can to accomplish it

I’m not a failure

I’ll do it

I’ll exercise until I’m nearly fainting

And I’ll eat only fruits and vegetables

Only that

If I felt like I ate too much I can purge

But that all I’ll eat

Fruits and veggies

I’ll finally be skinny bony and beautiful

I’ll finally be perfect

[remain-silence]

I missed feeling this way

It’s like someone punched me in the stomach

but it felt like flowers entering my soul

I just feel this indescribable sensation

where everything is okay

And I’ll be okay

And life is beautiful

Even tho the day is all gray, cold and rainy

But I don’t care

Because deep inside myself it’s all sunny

And there is beauty in a rainy day

And everything is beautiful

And I just love myself and everyone

And I just wanna breath really deeply

And give the biggest smile ever

I don’t mind that I’m my cheeks get fat

When I smile

It won’t make me stop smiling

There’s more in life then the outside look

And now I can see that

Because beauty is inside us

Happiness is inside us

I feel warm

Like life is hugging myself

I had no idea I would feel like this

I went from water to wine

And I really don’t want to let this feeling go away

Please stay inside me for a while

It’s just so lovely

[remain-silence]

Your cherry lips

in which you are so insecure about

is gently on my rose cheeks.

And our eyes lock

for hours and hours.

I could stay like this forever

Just looking at you,

inside you

inside your beautiful soul.

Because even tho you are too pessimistic

And are constantly telling bad thing about yourself

I know when you say good things

Is because you are really trying

Trying so hard to actually believe in those things

But I say you don’t have to worry about anything at all

Because you are the most beautiful person I have ever saw

And I never actually saw you

But just by talking to you on the phone

For hours and hours

I could feel deep down in you

That there is so much potential

And you are a flower

That just needs some rain

To flourish

And I believe in you

I may be far away

But I’m close in your heart

And soon your cherry lips

will actually be in my cheeks

and not just in my dream.

[remain-silence]

It comforts me to know that if I get better I will be with him. I will be able to laugh with him. Punch him. Kiss him. Hug him. Talk to him. Just stay in silence withhim. This really motivates me to keep going. To go after my dream. To go after my goal. And if I believe I can do this, I will eventually do it. It’s the power of the mind. The mind controls everything. I control everything. If I want to make a change I need to change something. Change the way I act. Change how I am spending my days. One day at a time and I will get there. Slow progress is still progress. Be patience. It takes time. The only thing I cannot do is give up. Keep trying harder, each day. You will get there! Just think about it! How good it will be! It will be incredibly good. So don’t give up. Keep going. Keep moving forward towards your happiness. Because you are the first person that needs it. Yourself. Go after your own happiness and never stops. I love you!

[remain-silence]

I see you too often

inside my head,

I feel you too often

inside my heart.

And I always will.

Until all of this is actually real.

Until I have you in my arms

Did I do the right thing?

Was I too rude? Was I?

Will you still think of me? Will you?

I will get better.

This is for the best, trust me.

I will get better,

And soon we will be together.

Cuddling as you always told me.

Just cuddling.

Hearing each other’ heart beat.

Just being together.

Truly together.

I miss you,

And I can’t wait to see you.

Feel you in my arms.

I can’t believe you made this much impact on me,

You liked me when I couldn’t,

You made me laugh

when all I wanted was to cry.

You made me forget all my demons,

You are an angel.

I cannot lose you,

I don’t want to lose you.

Please, wait for me.

Soon I will be coming.

Just wait a little while.

I wont disappoint you.

I cannot disappoint you,

Not after all you did to me.

You’ll be in me head and my heart.

Day after day,

Until I feel ready enough

To give you a call

And say

“Hey, do you still remember me? Do you still need someone to jump with you from that bridge”

[remain-silence]

Was it the right thing? Was it? I don’t even know. All I know is that I am in an incredible vulnerable state right now, and I end up being too needy or clingy. I cannot do this to people. Specially to you. I just can’t. I like you so much. And because I like you that much I need to take a break from all of this. I need to get better. Not only for myself but for you too. If I want to be with you eventually I need to be okay. So that’s why this is important. I will get back to you. I will hear you voice again. I will finally hug you and feel your velvety lips in my already warm skin. I will. And I will fight for this to happen ok? Please keep faith in me. I won’t give up on you. I will get better! I will. And sooner than we think I will be calling you from Korea. Sooner than you think. So now I need to focus on myself. Try to get better. Have a more positive outlook in life. I know I will. I will lose the weight. I will keep on being creative. I will smile and be happy again. I miss the old me. And that’s the one I want to show you. Cause you have only met the damaged me. And it’s incredible how much you like me. I guess you don’t really mind me being like this. But I do at least. Because I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I want to work out because I enjoy what I’m doing and just to get my body moving. I want to eat healthy food because they make me feel in my best and not because I have to. I want to put on a lipstick and some makeup because I feel pretty enough to go outside and show who I am. I want to go meet people, go to parties or even to a cafe. I want to have long conversations with you laying on the floor in the park looking at the starry night sky and the moonlight. I want to do that while I have your hand on mine. While we are in synth. I want to be myself again. I want to be me. I will be me. I will fight every single day. And I will get there. I will be myself again.

[remain-silence]

When I close my eyes

all I see is darkness

in its most deepest form.

I see pain and screams,

breathless screams.

When I close my eyes

is when I see the real me

all the emotions I’ve been hiding.

All of it is there

as clear as the ocean in a summer day.

I don’t like what I see

but it’s there

and I just have to deal with it.

I need to stop compressing the feelings

I need to face them

Face my devils

So that they can finally be free

So that I can close my eyes

and see a pintch of light.

So that I can close my eyes

and just breath.