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Out of honour --

I'm going to take a moment to try and explain my spontaneous activity, and potential hiatus just because I feel stressed and just... Bleh.

I don't want to leave, and I'm not going to delete him like I had with my last blog (who did not last as long as this one did I admit). One of the other reasons I've been able to keep him going is for the Group I'm in (and also the beau people in that, but I don't need to go into that no?) but because of my own hesitancies and thinking I wouldn't be able to last and all those roleplay issues people have --

I digress.

I feel like I'm slowly just, losing it? I want to talk to people, and write, yet after a while I keep feeling drained, and tired, and it reflects on how fast I reply and my activity has been slowly dropping and I'm losing my nerve in replying to opens I see on my dash. I just... can't bring myself to do much of anything.

My depression's been hitting me off and on, has been since December after my friend left and recent events have just had me spiraling downward. On Sheik I've been keeping myself together mostly kind of but I'm... Running into the wall every couple days and such a character like that, I don't want to butcher him because I'm not up to write something suitable to his character.

All my muses have been suffering and I want to keep all of them but they're just.. Not here. And I hate it.

That alone is adding more stress than I need. (Scale of one to ten how much of a whiny teenager do I sound like?). Disregard that last comment. I think, if nothing else, I'm just going to lengthen out Zack's semi-hiatus and just stick to smaller threads and do long ones when I can --

I'm hoping this is going to turn out to be just a thing that'll pass in a few days and I'll hit myself for posting this but probably not gonna be completely together until stuff stabilizes and I can hopefully stop teetering.

Just, yeah. I guess that's it.

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Going to be on Sheik and Personal 'cause I'm not feeling up to Zack or anything so I'm just. Yeah.

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"Huh... Does it look like a storm's coming, or is it just my imagination?"

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"...It's too earrrllly." whined the pup, rolling over to try adn go back to sleep.

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disputationix replied to your post

[ CHEERS YOU’VE GOT THIS !! ]

ooc: -casually ducks behind you though because isn't good at interviews.- Once I'm comfortable I'm okay but until that point I can barely talk straight.

up>Last time I went in to give in my resume I said my name backwards. On the plus side he thought it was funny |:

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Zack had already decided that they were going to find a motored vehicle to drive back to Edge. Sure, it might take longer, but at least then he would not have to see the panicked expression that kept crossing over Crisis’ face when they were in the air. And it would give him a chance to drive, and keep his focus on something beyond what may or may not happen within the household they would soon be approaching. His hands stuffed themselves into his pockets momentarily in a feeble attempt of relaxing, of finding something to occupy himself with now that they were actually on the trail back to his childhood home. A great part of him wanted to just bite the bullet and take off running to his home – assuming that his parents never moved. He had to believe they would stay, otherwise, the little runaway would have nowhere to return to. That thought made his throat go dry, and his hand already came from his pocket to reach and tug the neck of his shirt.

For a moment, as fleeting as it felt to him, Zack was able to enjoy the look of the landscape. He had only been through here once in the last decade, and at that time of year there was a lacking of green. There were patches of brown and the effects of the Mako Reactor everywhere, yet right now it looked as if it was beginning to flourish again – how he remembered it to be when he was a child. It brought a smile to his face, and a nervous laugh fell from his lips – yet he caught it in time, thanks to the question which Crisis gave to break the growing tensions. “It’s… I don’t think I have a right word to describe it.” he admitted with a sheepish grin and his hand fell to his side, not bothering to find its way back to his pocket. “Mom’s… She can be a bit out there when she gets happy, but beyond that she and Dad were always really composed, I think it was their way to get me to not act as wild as I was when I was little... Yeah, they’re both pretty great, I can’t argue that.” so he would kid no one with that. Crisis knew he could still be very ‘out there’ himself. Constantly. On a daily basis.

A part of him still very much regretted running away, but if given that typical movie theme option of going back and changing his decision, he would not do it. He missed home, missed those he held dear here, but he had done great things. He continued to do that; he was not the scrawny little boy who dreamed of becoming a hero. He now was as close to one as he was going to get, and he had the muscle and experience to back it up. Not to mention the heart, but he had always had that. To seek justice, and to ensure the safety of those around him, putting them before himself, such traits could not be learned, and proved to be hardwired into his system. His parents had raised them well, even if they never desired to see their son get hurt and could probably not imagine the horrors that Zack had faced, even if he went about explaining it to them, which, he might have to do.

The line of thought came to a sudden stop when he felt the smaller palm grasp his hand, and he looked down to her, his smile now becoming one of a more grateful sort as opposed to the former. “You think huh? Mom always said it was a big tell when I was lying. Here I thought I had outgrown it.” he tried to laugh, taking a trial step toward the path which would lead to his home town. He was composed, as best as he could. “Besides, I think we’re first gonna have to cover whatever hysteria comes out, then the rational. That’s… That’s usually how people work when they receive shocking news right? The stages of acceptance or whatever?”

Ye gods, she hated heights. At least that part was over and done with. No more flying for a while. From now on only boats and land vehicles. No more death traps in the sky. Thank Minerva for Zack’s overly chatty disposition, if she wasn’t preoccupied with the idea of crashing to their doom, then she was inwardly trying not to yell at Zack for not tapping away or fidgeting as well as concentrating on his voice. Boy, did he like to ramble, but they both knew it was for both their benefits — they were both pretty anxious little buttercups, weren’t they?

Just ahead of them was green as far as the eye could see, so different from Edge and Midgar. Even a port town girl like her who lived in the forest didn’t see as much vibrant shades of emerald there as she did the area just in Gongaga. It was almost as breathtaking as the humidity that had her loosening her tie to not suffocate. Ugh. Extreme cold to sudden heat was not a god combo.

"What’s it feel like to be almost home? Must be nice, having someone to look forward to meeting you again. Don’t have much of a home myself, so I really wouldn’t know how all this feels….still…from what I can tell from you…your mom must be really nice and you’ve gotta have an awesome dad, right?"

Of course, some things were bound to be different. Lots of questions to be asked that Zack surely couldn’t answer without her help as in ‘why hadn’t Zack checked in on them when the reactor blew up’. Yes, she recalled that one incident just some time after the former SOLDIER’s disappearance where the reactor in Gongaga had been utterly destroyed, taking several lives with its both local and workers within the facility. Surely a good son would have checked in with his parents to make sure they were all right. There were sure to be tough questions to answer. At least one of them would be going in with a slightly clearer head.

She took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly before moving along. Time to get on going.

“You’re going to be fine, Zack. Things have a way of working out. I’ll be there to support you, okay? I’m good at damage control. Have faith and don’t worry — the more you worry, the more you kind of have this weird twitchy smile. Sort of like a squirrel on caffeine. Hee hee.”

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     As excited as Zack was becoming, there were little whispers tickling the back of his mind. He did not acknowledge them, for they would break the seal he placed upon himself every day. He was tired of having them, and he had all the right to truly. After everything, he knew his parents would be happy to see that he was alive, but that did not leave him knowing what would come after that. Initial actions could be predicted, but nothing more. Zack was never able to really think things through, so that came into play here as well. He was sure with Crisis around he would be able to keep himself from slipping up. Unlike him his parents could stay focused and quiet for long periods of time. They would be able to tell if their son was lying, and try to weasel more of the years he did not have out of him.

He barely noticed the world passing them while they made their way to the ship that would be taking them. His fingers fidgeted in a nervous, excited manner. It was not something that was out of character for him, he just had to hope that Crisis would not mind his inability to keep still. Then again, she never said anything of it before, and today he had a more than valid reason to be anxious. He was already slightly rocking in his seat before he noticed that Crisis was holding herself tenser than Zack was. As they took off, he found himself talking and muttering on and on in attempt to calm her. Most of his words she did not have to reply to, but Zack was never one to be quiet too long unless the situation demanded it. The second they were out of the plane, he looked around, the mask of excitement gleaming in his eye. “Still… Seems almost the same, landscape wise.” sure they were not at Gongaga yet, but the surrounding area, he had been around there plenty of times.

There would most likely be many questions in which only Crisis could answer, as some inquiries would likely pop up about the years in which Zack Fair no longer existed on the Planet. The years she herself lived for her SOLDIERs and them alone. Although what could she say would really depend on what was asked; though he was joking there were some things best left unsaid. Zack would probably appreciate her staying mum on some subjects…If his mother ever asked her about his cleanliness in underpants she was going to pretend she heard nothing and plow into a new subject. Off they went together, riding a bike out to the edge of Edge’s east side to catch their ride. A small airship for their flight to the Old Continent. Not something she looked forward to because flying made her nervous actually, more like being at incredibly high heights in a death trap freaked her out, but she was willing to sacrifice her own comfort in order to shorten their trip. Seated, she just tensely gripped at her chair and snapped at anything that tried to remove her from it until they landed on a strip outside the Corel area. From there it was a healthy hike to Gongaga. Though it was winter still, the area was humid and warm, garnering a slight shedding of clothes to accommodate for the hotter weather.

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"...♥~"

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pen·ance           /ˈpenəns/ noun - 1. voluntary self-punishment inflicted as an outward expression of repentance for having done wrong.

Independent Angeal Hewley Six years of roleplay experience. AU/Crossover friendly. Open writing style. I have Dumb Apples.

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falsamilitis replied to your post

innocent blinking at

ooc: squints @ u.

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     ’Shut up and drink your god damn tea.’

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I think about this sometimes and I just