rockingsteady

[rockingsteady]

the thing that's killing me the most is wondering what it would have been like if I hadn't said anything at all

wondering if he had any kind of plan at all

[rockingsteady]

I do miss feeling important to someone.. But maybe that's all

[rockingsteady]

I don't want to meet new people. I don't want to lay myself bare. I can't bring myself to be vulnerable anymore.

[rockingsteady]

maybe next time i'll fall in love naturally. slowly. build a bond before relying and tugging at it.

maybe i'll have a real best friend, who will talk with me about the difficult things, and allow me to be human.

maybe i won't find love at all. maybe the only love i have left to give is to life itself, if i have any at all.

maybe maybe maybe

[rockingsteady]

no idea who i am

no clue what i want

no ambitions or goals just straight coasting through life

[rockingsteady]

will i always be too much? or was i not enough?

i sit here aching trying to understand when the drifting began

[rockingsteady]

[rockingsteady]

My soul, unrestful

Slowly breaking in my chest

For my mother's love

[rockingsteady]

*narrator voice* They made no renovations and were not active.

Please don't be concerned by the username/icon change (used to be ihatemythoughts-soisharethem)

Obviously I've been mia for ages anyway

But I'm doing some renovations here on mobile and gonna be more active

[rockingsteady]

Please don't be concerned by the username/icon change (used to be ihatemythoughts-soisharethem)

Obviously I've been mia for ages anyway

But I'm doing some renovations here on mobile and gonna be more active

[rockingsteady]

I'm teetering on the ledge between perfectly fine and the pit

Urges to reach out to my past ache inside as I remember

The bridge has been burnt to a crisp

[rockingsteady]

This is a personal prose post

There's SO MUCH SHIT about me and my life that's just

Unresolved.

My brother and dad are dead. Have I ever taken the time to really process? No.

Unaddressed sexual trauma from my early adolescence that's only led me to a life of hypersexuality and so many failed relationships.

I'm pretty fucking sure I'm trans and that aforementioned trauma has caused me to be undeniably obsessed with finding validation of my body through sex rather than trying to live my life authentically as a man which I've always ALWAYS felt was true.

Haven't seen a therapist in over 6 months. I haven't done a single things to try and help myself.

I don't know how.

[rockingsteady]

Coldest November

I used to be jaded with love, but you, you were never enough. I could never seem to get my fix and now I can't seem to fix this. I want to reach out and profess my feelings but my bullshit isn't worth dealing and you deserve so much more. I've already seen my way to the door.

[rockingsteady]

If you're still around.

I hate you now, and I hope you read this. I can't keep living like I don't believe this. I know what I was doing I knew that it was bad, thanks to you I threw away all that I had. Spent all this time blaming myself and cursing at the memories on my shelf.

I still believe in love but I am not in love with you. Good luck moving on and finding someone new.

[rockingsteady]

11/27/18 16:13

We forge our own path in life

In the end no one is right

You can march right on through

Take a sharp turn or two

But always there, around the bend

Every path meets an end

[rockingsteady]

I touched myself

to find some pleasure

Despite the pain

from this endeavor

The efforts were for naught

I was numb until I thought

About your face again

My body seized, I wasn't pleased

Another wave took me under

My stomach turned and insides churned

Reminded of my blunder

[rockingsteady]

TL;DR

You're everything I wanted for so long but the love I built with him was so strong that losing him was losing myself and now I'm nothing more than a shell of someone who's just what you want but I have to be honest and blunt as deeply as I fell in this, I am filled with persistent regret.