rosebeeze - Tumblr blog

[rosebeeze]

My state and city just recently got threatened with a mass shooting in a Walmart.. I woke up mid sleep to a Pow sound I think it was a head explosion when you want to go to sleep but your body jolts you awake to check to see if your body is still working. Yeah that kind of thing. But I’m so fucking scared and don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep all night tonight. I woke up and just started crying shaking and having a panic attack I can barely walk because my legs are so weak. The only time I had a panic attack like this was when there was threats of isis bombing us. I am mainly worried about my father and baby brother. My baby brother is the love of my life and he is only a baby. That’s it he is only a cute little 3 year old who has his whole life ahead of him and I don’t think I would be able to deal with losing him. I would probably break down every second of every minute if i ever lost him it’s so fucking sad this world that we live in as an American we have to worry about getting shot today, or tomorrow, or the day after just because we took a quick run to Walmart for some pasta for dinner that night. I just wanna pack up my shit and leave. I just want to move and go to Australia or South Korea or maybe denmark. I am so over being scared of this I just want out I just want to go and live and breathe without thinking that my family is going to die because some teenager never got therapy as a child. I keep dissosiating and it’s scary I keep getting scared that I’m not here. Idk man.... I need someone to talk to.... I really just need someone to understand and talk to.... but I don’t think anyone would listen or even want to listen. There needs to be a change in America. This isn’t supposed to happen here. We aren’t supposed to be scared of this here in this “wonderful land”

[rosebeeze]

Theres no one on this blog. Its empty . Its cold. No one i love can read these im anon. Im no one. If i stopped posting no one would know. Quiet

[rosebeeze]

I won’t try to kill myself, but I’ll keep praying to god every night that he kills me himself.

[rosebeeze]

I hate that i love other human beings

I cant say how i feel i might hurt them

Im mad that i love other human beings

I just want to say that i want to die without someone trying to hug me or them also being sad

They dont deserve that

I dont deserve them

I just want everyone to be happy but me

can i just say im ready for someone to shoot me in the head

I dont want to hurt their feelings

They have those

Feelings

Right now i have too many

Sometimes my mom says she wants to die

Shes one of the humans that i love

I want to scream and cry when she says that because i get it

I know mom

Me too

Even though shes joking

I know

My best friend would be really sad

I love her so much

My baby brother wouldnt remember me

He is and always will be my light though

Im angry that i love other human beings

I wish i didnt care about feelings

Other peoples that is

The baby just told me that he loved me

I love him alot

Its night a tiny bit of light beyond the night

Im cold

Goodnight

[rosebeeze]

Im about to go to work and the suicidal thoughts get stronger i keep thinking about myself in a hospital bed and people crying and how i would do it and feeling my body loosing feeling and weight its fucking scary. its still rainy and dim

[rosebeeze]

People with depression who can easily reach out and tell people how they feel are so brave and so amazing i cant even emotionally handle someone telling me that im rushing into a relationship too fast without thinking about what shit i am and wanting to die i dont want to hurt anyone that i love and i dont want to seem like im looking for attention so no one knows how fucking sad i am today someone i like told me that i am moving too fast my stomach dropped and i wanted to cry because i keep fucking things up i keep fucking doing this. I dont know how to be me because i want to be special i want to be new i want to be the most charming person anyone has ever met i want to not be me. I know my behavior is toxic but i cant naturally just stop these thoughts. Its a rainy day today. Its so dim.