rudytubooty2107

[rudytubooty2107]

Is it really a Merry Christmas for one and all?

Ahh Christmas, a holiday loved and celebrated by all races. Everyone loves this holiday. Well, I should say almost everyone loves it. Because I am not one of those people. I do not like Christmas. It'd be an understatement if I only said that I don't like Christmas. There's so much more than just that that I could say. In fact, I will.

Christmas is nothing more than a so called celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Or so people would have you think. It was originally considered a pagan holiday celebrated by Norsemen called Yule. It was meant to celebration the end of the harvest season hated by the Catholic. Only to be somehow turn into a so called Christian holiday. I can't even say how this came to be. It was just a way for toy stores and many other places to sell their produce to the masses. Such a depraved notion to trick others to spend more than what they have on hand.

Filled with nothing more than selfish people spend their money on things that don't mean a damn thing to those that matter. I've spent many years not liking this bullshit you call a holiday. Family and friends pressure other to buy airplane tickets to visit when they barely have the money to do so. Buying things where stores say its on sale when it's really not. They just spike up the prices than add on a so called discount to make it look like its more affordable.

Do people not realize the truth that lies right in front of them? Such depraved humans. I do not like humans. And yes, I know I am human as well. But that does not change my thoughts on the subject. But that's a conversation for another time.

And yet, my family loves it. It matters a great deal to them. Many times I wonder why they care so much about it. I can remember the times I saw my Mother smile so hard the edges of her lips touched both sides of her ears. My Father laughing louder than he ever has without a care in the world. The wild conversation me and my older brother would have remembering the days of our youth. Watching my nephews and nieces playing in the snow having snow ball fights throwing them at cars that drive by and then running off. Their parents, my brothers and their wives, scolding them for their actions but joining them in the fun playing in the snow making snowmen and snow angles. All of us sitting around the bon fire with "special" eggnog for the adults, and milk and cookies for the children. Listening to the stories everyone tells around the fire with nothing but smiles and laughter.

I could feel my heart growing to 10x its original size filled with the warmth of love from those around me. Feeling nothing but love and bliss from all those around me, feeling at peace full of contentment. Loving a holiday that my family loves even though I do not. Because if it's for my family, I'll do it again and again everyone Christmas that comes. The one day a year I feel nothing less than human.

[rudytubooty2107]

I choose to rise after the fall

I find it sometimes difficult to get past certain things in my life. Things I always fear will hold me back from being more than what I hope and dream to be one day. Sometimes I think that I'm past it all. But it still seems to be a struggle to me to move past these terrible things I've had to endure after all of these years. So many years have passed, and I still feel its affects on me. As though it wishes to drag me down as far it can until there's no way I could ever climb out of whatever hole I seemed to have gotten myself into.

I think we all have gone through these struggles. And there's no shame in admitting it. That's the first step to healing. I don't know how long it'll take me to finally be able to move forward. But I'm willing to do all that I can to be able to grow. To be able to be more than what I am now. To be able to all that I know I can be.

I think I've struggled long enough. It's time to finally climb out of this hell I'm in and move for. Because I will be better, I must be better. The way I see it, it's either evolve or die. And I don't plan on dying anytime soon.

[rudytubooty2107]

Somewhere to call Home

Have you ever wondered what home feels like? I know it may seem like a bit of a dumb question, but I feel as though it's a justifiable one to ask such a question. I'm sure many of us want somewhere we can call home. I think it's a very normal thing to want. And trust me, I'm far from what many would consider normal. But there's nothing wrong with wanting something like this. I have often wondered this question for most of my life. Wondering if I'll ever find something that I can call my own. Whether it be a house, or even an apartment. But over time, I've come to realize that it's not what I own that makes me feel like it's home, but more so who's there. I know some people may feel differently compared to myself. But whenever I come to the house of where my parents are, I feel nothing more than complete peace. I feel as though I can take off my mask and feel at ease. I don't have to so call "Fake it Til I make it". With them I can let my guard down and just be myself. Almost every time, if not every time, I feel so relaxed that I just want to take a nice long nap. I don't feel as though I have to worry about anything as long as I'm there. My phone is on do not disturb, and my parents just leave me along. They know I just want to kick my feet up and do nothing. I feel as though there's no greater feeling than that. To be somewhere that truly feels like home. So home isn't always somewhere you live in my opinion, it's somewhere you can feel nothing less than true peace.

[rudytubooty2107]

?

What do you call a man who feels as though he has nothing to lose? A strange question I would imagine many people would wonder about. Whether it be man or woman. These things are hard to think about. And yet, here I am now thinking on something that could, in a sense, be considered unthinkable. But isn't that what we all strive to do? To think of the unthinkable. To push ourselves beyond the threshold. Until the untouchable becomes, not just touchable, but tangible. It all seems unforeseen to some, if not all. Where is it that our minds delve into when we stop to wonder? Another question for the mind to ponder over as though it's swimming in a pool of frozen slug. Can it be turned into what can be swayed to do my bidding? A question for another time at the moment of the question itself. Wondering where things will lead me to. Lead me to a place that will take me to the place I truly feel as though I have something to take hold of. Somewhere that shows me the meadows of mediocrity. Mediocrity that is so viewable, touchable, loveable, and downright hateful. Full of all the things that make the world what it is in the most simplistic way possible without the pleasantries we all choose to allow to override the reality of it all. As though we turn a blind eye to what we choose and unchoose to take in arms. I feel as though another question needs to be asked, but I choose to leave it unanswered. Just as those around us choose to do the same as those that came before, and those who have yet to be. A future I can almost taste in my eyes and hear in my sole. But who really care. What have I got to lose?

[rudytubooty2107]

Struggles of Choice

Some days, I wonder if life is truly worth living. It can be very hard to wonder if this world is really as good as we all hoped it to be. I've lived my life as best I could, not knowing it purpose. And yet here I stand trying to make it through all of these twist and turns that come about without warning. But I still struggle to go on living. I want to live a life full of happiness and joy, but this world doesn't give us that luxury to be able to live that happy life whenever we want. There will always be days full of miserable outcomes. But that's just how life goes. From this moment forward, you have to make the choice either to live or to die. It's the reality of it all we have. The power to choose what we do next.

[rudytubooty2107]

To Drink, or (Not)To Drink

The drink that tastes of sweet delight

The drink that smells of nothing nice

It feels as though I can fly

Falling nowhere near the sky

A drink that takes the pain away

A drink that keeps the pain the same

Something that's high and dry

Is always low and wet

A band aid is not a permanent fix

It only blurs the line

A line you can barely see

What once was full

Is now nothing more than empty

Where there once was a drink

Is now just a shell

[rudytubooty2107]

(Short Story) Chapter 1: The End of the Beginning

When they say your whole life flashes right before your eyes in the very moment before you die, I always thought it was nothing more than a load of bullshit. And yet, here I am now seeing everything I once thought as nothing more than a man's thoughts filled with nothing more than regret and superstition seeing it all unfold before my very eyes.

There I am, as just a child witnessing the end of the life of my father ebbing away at my feet by my very own hands. My father had abused my mother every day just because he felt like it. And every time she lost consciousness, he would take the rest of his rage out on me, a 7-year-old boy who was nothing more than skin and bone. He never feed us, he took all of that food for himself, and only gave me and mother enough to barely survive. Some time I wasn't sure why he even bothered. Maybe due to guilt, or maybe because he truly did love us. Who can really tell? He worked a shitty job with shitty pay living in a shitty small studio sized apartment. I can understand his feelings in a sense. No one would want to have to live their lives like that. But it gives no right to take his woes out on me, or her.

One day he took things too far. He had just got laid off of his job. Not much of surprise. He was always late to work because he was always up all night drinking until he passed out anywhere, he felt comfortable. But when he came home, it was like looking at a volcano ready to blow at any point. With no hesitation, he lunged at my mother like a man possessed by nothing more than his pure rage. Nothing was held back. I thought he had already put all of his strength into her before, but nothing could compare to what I was witnessing. I felt so helpless seeing all of this happening, feeling as though I could do nothing but watch it all unfold. It was as if I knew what was going to happen. I knew that it was going to be the last time I saw my mother. It was going to be the last time my mother draws her last breath.

Without any thought, I yelled. I don't what I yelled, maybe I just shouted at the top of my lungs. I had to do something, if nothing else, I could at the very least do that. All he did was stop for a second to look me in the eye. As if to tell me through his eyes that I was next right after her. As he went right back into beating my mother, I felt something I never felt before. I felt something gnawing at my inners, trying to claw its way out of me. I felt as though if I didn't let the beast out of me, it would eat from in the inside out. I howled to the top of my lungs, running at him like a wild animal ready to hunt, not for food but for the thrill of the kill. He easily threw me at the wall in the kitchen. As I came back to my feet I saw a knife next to me. Without hesitation I grabbed the knife hurling myself back at him stabbing him without fail. Stabbing him in the back, clawing out his eyes, cutting away at his stomach, pulling out his guts. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I didn't care. His death meant nothing to me. All it did was stain my clothes and skin red as he laid there dead on the floor bleeding out. And yet, I still felt sad. I'm still not sure why to this very day. But one thing for certain, I did all of this for her, for my mother.

And do you know what she did? She looked at me with nothing less than fear. And to make matters worse she said I killed the only man she ever loved, crying as she laid her head on his dead body. I was in shock to see how all that I did, was for her, and yet she hated me for it. Once I dropped the knife as I fell to my knees in shock at this revelation. My own mother, who loved and adored, took that same knife and stabbed me in the eye trying to kill me. She slipped from the blood on the flood from father breaking her ankle. She cried in agony crawling backwards to my father's side.

Once again, I felt something gnawing at my insides. But this felt different than it did before. Instead of feeling a raging beast, I felt something else. Something that I wouldn't understand until later on in my life. I grabbed the knife that once stabbed eye, the same knife that I used to kill my father, walking up to my mother slowly. As I looked into her eyes, I could see them filled with fear, and yet I felt absolutely nothing, nothing at all. So, I slit her throat, and then stabbed myself in the stomach, as I felt as though I couldn't live the rest of my life.

And yet I awoke cleaned of all the blood I was covered in now rapped in bandages with an old scary man standing over me missing an eye just like me. Asking me if I wanted to live, I could only think of one thing. It was the only good thing I think my father taught me from watching him everyday.

"Go fuck yourself."

So, he punched me in my only good eye, and so my new life began as the only thing I, and even this old man, knew I'd be good at, a killer.

[rudytubooty2107]

Love?

What would you describe love as? Many people see it as something that they long for all of their lives. I'd have to say that everyone wants nothing more than to find that special someone to make their lives feel ultimately complete. Unfounded joy and happiness. A sense of peace that rivals all other emotions that may seem nothing more a short-lived feeling. Something that feels everlasting, that could never be extinguished.

And yet, I would have no other choice but to disagree with these statements. Love is more than what we all choose to believe it to solely be. There are more than just all of these heartwarming feelings love brings. Things we choose to look the other way from that is believed to not exist within it.

Love isn't just joy, happiness, bliss, peace, and contentment. It is also pain and suffering. Feeling as though there is no end to the feeling of wishing the end would come sooner than time would allow us. Taken hold of our way of life. It takes us to place filled with dread and distain. Wishing to never wake ever again if it meant not to have to feel such a thing. Breathing feels more of a hassle that makes the pain more unbearable when it's an everyday occurrence.

You may not believe this but these things are all nothing more than the truth that we all choose to ignore as though it was never there to begin with. We need to understand that love has both joy and sadness.

Allow me to explain this, so that my words don't fall on deaf ears. Let me ask you something. What does it feel like to lose something dear to you? When you were a child did you have a stuff animal, or a toy, that you loved? Something that you couldn't go to sleep without, you'd play with it for hours on end and take it with you everywhere? I'm sure we all did as a child growing up. But I'm also sure you've probably lost that same thing a time or so, or even so how became broken. Now tell me, what did you feel when that special childhood item was lost or broken? Were your eyes full of tears of sadness and pain? I would suspect nothing short of those feelings.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you had great attractions for? Spending time with one other, going out on dates, cuddling together falling asleep in each other's arms, even engaging in passionate sex with one another. I would guess that this feeling was full of what we all call love. But I would also suspect that somewhere down the line, both of you separating for whatever reason there was. What were you feeling during your time separated from each other? How did you feel about the days that went by as you constantly thought of all of the wonderful times you had together knowing that you'll never be able to have that same feeling with them again? I'm sure you might have had times when you did nothing but watch whatever was on TV and ate an entire bucket of ice cream with all sorts of other junk food.

I'm sure we all of that one person in our lives we couldn't imagine living without in our lives. It could be our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, or maybe even one of our closest friends. Someone that you spent considerable time with. You could confide in them at any time without having to worry about feeling judged. Now, I'm sure we've all experienced the feeling of lose? The feeling of that close family or friend that has unfortunately passed away. I know I don't need to speak to these feelings because I know those that read this may relive such a painful experience again.

All of this comes from what we all know as love. Love is both joy and sadness. Full of bliss and distain. And eternal feeling of peace and anguish. We need to understand that love has always been there for us in both these aspects because that is exactly how life is. With love comes life, and with life comes love. With ever journey comes a beginning and an end. These things allow us to grow into more than what we were before. In many new journeys there is a beginning of bliss and happiness, and many of them end with sadness and pain. But just because one journey ends in such a way does not mean that it is ever truly the end. It just means there is time for a new beginning.

[rudytubooty2107]

The Feel of Freedom

When one has a sense of freedom, it gives us a feeling that cannot be explained in just simple words. Even though there may be some words that. None of them do it justice. If you want an example, look at some of the things that are around us, and ask yourself this simple question. Are they truly free?

When you're on a walk across the street looking up and see a bird spread is wings through the sky's, would you consider it free?

When travel the oceans waters and a dolphin jumps through the air from the waters, would you consider it free?

When you lay in the grass under a shade in the fields and a squirrel climbs a tree, would you consider it free?

Questions that loom within our minds as when see these things pass us by while on our journey, we often ask these questions without even realizing it. But have we really seen what stands right before our eyes? Are we seeing the freedom that we have just as much as a bird, a dolphin, or even a squirrel? If you find yourself pondering this, then you have not realized the truth that you're living in right now.

Did you not have the freedom to walk across the street before seeing the bird?

Did you not have the freedom to travel the ocean before the dolphin jumped through the air?

Did you not have the freedom to lay in the grass under shade before the squirrel climbed the tree?

You are more free than you give yourself credit for. You just haven't realized it yet.

[rudytubooty2107]

Today's fucking mantra is people will provoke you until the bring out your ugly side, then play victim when you go there.

Wash, Rinse, and Repeat that shit.

[rudytubooty2107]

Today's fucking mantra is never push a loyal person where they no longer give a fuck.

Wash, Rinse, and Repeat that shit.

[rudytubooty2107]

Today's fucking mantra is never re-friend a person that has tried to destroy your character, your money, or your relationships. A snake only sheds its skin to become a bigger snake. Wash, Rinse, and Repeat that shit.

[rudytubooty2107]

After you start healing past traumas and come out of fight or flight mode, your body will need a lot of rest. You aren't lazy, your body is just trying to catch up on the calm it hasn't received in years.

[rudytubooty2107]

When you see someone who is always calm, incredibly kind, and avoiding conflicts. Be careful, this person notices everything. They remain silent because they know if they get angry it'll hurt. They keep everything inside choosing to stay calm. But the day it explodes it's a real storm and the one who triggered that anger would bear the brunt of it. Everyone has a limit, and for them this limit is often higher than most people. But one its crossed, expect a super storm that's why it essential to respect them. Don't mistake their silents for weakness. Behind every calm smile there is a strength and determination that will surprise you.

[rudytubooty2107]

Today's fucking mantra is damaged people are strong because they know how to survive. Wash, Rinse, and Repeat that shit.

[rudytubooty2107]

The Bird

As I looked out into the desert sky, I felt a breeze I had never felt before. It felt almost calming, as if something were to call out to me in the distance with its warm tones that feel all too familiar to my ears. And at last, I see an entity with that same sense of familiarity. There it was, a bird silhouetting through its never-ending seas. It was like I could taste the sweetness of a honeycomb tree each time its wing grazed through the untouchable wind. I knew it was taking over me. And I knew I couldn't fake it, even if I wanted to. I knew this feeling all too well. It felt like home to me. As if the ancient roots were wrapped around my every being.

And yet I still felt as though there was something more to all of this. I couldn't put my finger to it, but I knew I just had to know. Because it was so alluring to me that I felt as though I would never want to leave. But I just had to know what it was that truly was there calling out to me. So, I asked the bird who they truly were, to diverge not just its identity, but its intentions as well. It did not speak, not even a chirp. It flew away, but I knew I could not stand by and watch it leave my eyes. I could feel that warmth I once had slowly become colder. I knew that I needed to follow it so not only would I still remain warm, but perhaps uncover the truth to all of this.

So, I followed without thought, without consideration for the possible consequences that could ensue at any given moment. But it did not matter to me. I knew that this warmth I felt would never lead me astray. I knew that I would only become closer and closer to something even more grand that I had already experienced. And I couldn't have been more right. I could see something in the distance that could have never been in a barren waste land that I was in for so long. It was a field of the greenest grass I could've ever seen. It smelled sour but refreshing at the same time. I felt as though I could run faster, for I could see the bird was even farther. And so, I ran faster.

As I ran, I could see something more. It was a field of roses in every color you could ever have imagined. The beauty of it all was so captivating. It had the sweetest smell to it all. I felt as if I could taste it in my month as I breathed it all in. It opened up my lungs. And in doing so, I could run even faster than I did not even a moment ago. And I found myself running along side that same bird.

Whilst we ran alongside each other I could feel something in the air that had a slight cool breeze within the warmth I had already felt. It was a lake that glistened with the glare of the bright sun. I ran alongside that beautiful lake with my eyes wide open.

As I continued on, I could feel myself slowly lessening my strides. I felt as though I couldn't let something so beautiful slip past me. And as I did so, I could see everything I saw along my way converge together all in one place. So, I did what I felt was right and stopped to take it all in.

In doing so I lost track of the bird. The very thing that I set out on my journey to stay alongside so that I could continue to feel the warmth it gave me. I felt as if I had lost everything without having given anything at all. I could do nothing but fall over myself feeling my eye well up with tears full of sadness. The feeling of lose took hold of me faster than I could ever run from.

But then, suddenly I felt that warmth again, and yet it felt different. I knew it was close by, as if it was right behind me. I turned around with a quickness wondering what could bring me such a warmth again. But I was blinded by the light that shined even brighter before. As I opened my eyes to it all, there it was, what I never thought I would ever see again in my life. It was my family with their arms wide open ready to bring me into their arms once again after so many years. I could do nothing but continue to let my tears fall. They fell down my face as if it could overflow the lake that laid right beside us. Never before had I felt such a joy before in so long.

I thought they would say so many things to me as I had hoped. But they just held me still and silent with the warmth I had longed for. It felt like nothing short of complete bliss. I knew at that exact moment that there was no need for any words, not even a whisper was needed. Because I already had everything I need.

And yet I still gazed my eyes in the distant as I heard something. It was that same bird I had followed all the way here. At first I reached out my hand longing for its companionship. But then, I retracked my hand as I saw it fly off into the distant. I no longer cared about that birds reasons for bringing me here. I no longer wished to find the truth I thought I was searching for. Because the truth of it all is that it brought me right where I needed to be. It brought me Home.

[rudytubooty2107]

Today's fucking mantra, I'm always forced to do things I'm not qualified for, like being nice to fucking idiots.

Wash, Rinse, and Repeat that shit.