rueruesblog

[rueruesblog]

Been awhile since I last spoke on here .

Gonna catch up on the recent stuff

Soo I recently started reading again. Me and a friend picked out some spicy books. I chose out "my dark desire". Its about a Japanese guy who hires a quirky maid and lalalla anyway i just want them to f already cus I'm getting impatient.

I'm also back in college and it's gotten even more crap. Like their so annoying omfg like all they do it submit work, submit work submit submit submit submit submit.....mate I haven't even registered myself to what we doing, get out my face. I also skipped both my first math lessons cus I wanted to with the intention of doing work but was playing roblox vc instead.

I've recently gotten back on yubo. I met some guy today and I've started talking to him. He seems quite sweet. He's an Aries, bonus points cus yk I'm a Leo. He likes food and he has long hair and has a hard working job in generators. How manly. Time to figure out how much of a gentleman he is.

Today I'm doing fuck all like I did fuck all yesterday. I'm gonna make some noodles and read my spicy book.

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Sleeping in my indulgent bed with my new leapord print pillows. Lounging in Corsets and holders. Fur galore and heels making me 6 feet tall. 💋

top it off with a true crime documentary ofc

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I've quickly picked up my phone

I promised I would write about my mind this year. So I've quickly picked up my phone 30 mins after I finished my last tumblr post and wasss gonna sleep..

I found myself getting upset, well crying. Its hard to say that in a casual talking it out kind of way. It's really that same feeling I've had. I've defined it as "caved".

It's a longing yet short stepped feeling? It started when things just kind of went down for me in recent months. I don't want to make it a long as fxck one so I'll shorten the best I can. - it starts that I didn't get accepted into the college I wanted, that lead for less time with my best and only friend, the new college lead to hella travel and whole lot of people testing fake n real. ultimately played on the up and down of self esteem. I've been having eating responses/thoughts in response . I loved working (as distraction and purpose) and thats now getting cancelled. Now I'm struggling to find a new job. Christmas time was the first one my long distance/not in contact family didn't contact whatsoever. My father has let me down like usual, but usually he can somewhat meet the deadline for Christmas eve...its now Jan 3rd. That might just be the lot..

It's just a whole lot of no luck? Fxcked fate?

I don't know but either way things haven't been following through with awnsers. Just a whole lot of no good feeling. And it's led to this kind of, as I described, "caved" Feeling. Like grey pot holes with mush. Just a long drive through them waiting to find some hope of where I'm going or what I'm doing. Occasionally i will get my times where I'm feeling above it (usually with my bsf). However even that's being tested. The last time I saw her some no good stuff happend. It's like something wants to just wants to crumble my path and make it longer and longer and more sad and impatient.

This proved to make me feel better actually. Maybe tumblr is the calling? Who knows

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Overall I feel pretty caved

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So thought of the day..

Right now I'm in bed and it's late. I really need to start sleeping earlier I'm so moody in the day time. Gonna get droopy eyes. I've been searching all over the Web for new products for my hair, cannot decide if investing 100 pound is really worth it. I will try to opt for natural ingredients, I heard online the silicones and nasty modern stuff is no good and I don't fancy balding to soon in my later years. I dream of being old with long beautiful curly grey hair one day.

Anyway, I was thinking today of our change. From being a handful of smooth skin with practically cellular thoughts. To larger, tough skinned, big minded people with opinions . We become living journals of our choices, fate, luck, lifestyle, religion, people ect. Sometimes it's good sometimes it bad.

I'm younger, I hold tight to these years, i think it's because it's the time to make the choices that matter and determine the rest. The pressure is hard. I'm wondering whether its easier to just fly through, not pay attention or hold on so tightly that you don't want to let go. It's so hard to make the right choices. is there even a right choice?

Are we set in what we choose or set in fate? To think about it is just too much...

I mean we are such sensitive beings who have created such a complicated world. How are we supposed to deal with seeking the right choices with so many opinions and imput and law and rules and regulation and restriction..........ect.

what is it that determines us? What is it we should care about? In such little time what truly matters?

I like the unknown. Unknown surprises, unknown flavours, unknown TV show. But I don't like unknown. Unknown future, unknown feelings, unknown worth.

my final point Is... how am i supposed to choose the right shampoo and condish?

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Well I sure hope so 💋

said what i said

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I love dark Art i wish more people understood the level of meaning and impact it holds.

I'm very fond of the 8th one, sinister and detailed. The deep expression, taking hold of flesh with the clear sign to no identity. That holds so much meaning in itself.

i hate that so much dark/horror art is just fucking. ai

anyways look at my art that is DRAWN and NOT AI

plus a wip under the cut

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Nail biting is definitely one of my worse traits - scar of bad useless feelings

I wish I understood, why I do it? Why I started? Its such an annoying un awnsered habit. Yet I find myself yearning to tug at the sore flesh and nail. It's like a scar of bad useless feelings.

You know when you have been in the bath too long and you get that dry wrinkly feeling on your finger tips?

Well I remember when I was younger and my nail biting was much more intense as so my anxiety. I had completely stripped half my thumb tip of its layer of skin. felt just like that funny grip you get in water. It feels raw and embarrassing.

I wish non biters understood it. Its not even like i find it enjoyable. My hands aren't even the most attractive besides nails. So it just makes them worse. I find it horrible to have physical touch confidently, thinking people find my hands disgusting.

My nails biting isn't as bad now. But im still ashamed. Especially through some times I find myself doing it.

I don't like imagining love with such unhealed hands.

If you have advice on stopping give us a reply

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Does anyone watch youtubers from when they were younger?

Expecially around Christmas and New years I find myself watching gamers whom my younger self probably re watched dozens of times. It's a weird sense of comfort and excitement. I actually find myself getting invested in those immature games.

my younger self must have found a comfort in those brightly coloured characters. Especially through the dark upsetting moments.

Its strange because I think I've changed. But yet I hold on to that one strange comfort. The sense of home to those familiar voices behind an exciting game.

Once i even found myself really upset to tears and my mind went straight to them and their channel. Also, i find myself re watching a specific collection of videos I was fond of. Its never really new videos they have created.

I find it sweet and embarrassing and upsetting. I love that I found almost a friend out of them. Am i sad that I haven't grown out of them.... or that someday I will. Its like loosing a friend I never had.

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What I would love this year..

A motorbike...freedom is the best taste

More clothes...fur and leather

A future plan...I would love a life of adventure

Cute italian guy at my work... idk why he's even so attractive. He gave me his jacket once because I was cold and he also said i look like art with his cuuute accent. When he's in the kitchen, as a waitress, I stare over the passage where food comes through and I always talk to him. Head chef gets mad.

The problem is I have to find a new job because I get cancelled on...so I'm never gonna see him again.

...

Anyway...I found his number on the work group chat should message him? Yesterday I worked for new years and he left earlier, I jokingly said I'm gonna miss him. He said that I "always have his number" is that a joke? Is it a hint?

Let me know .

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So where do I start?