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[runningthroughpetalfields]

Journal Dec. 14, 2023- June 29, 2024

(From Notes App)

14.12

- [ ] Also, Dad telling me comparing me to my siblings every time I made a mistake made me scared to ever make a mistake again. This has contributed to my all or nothing thinking and perfectionism. I’m so afraid to try so much in my life for fear of making a mistake and being a “failure.” I got in trouble for and was judged by my dad for making mistakes, instead of my mistakes being accepted as human.

18.12.23

- [ ] This year I made it, and that’s huge.

- [ ] My mom is bad at providing emotional validation- we have to emotionally validate her all of the time.

19.12

- [ ] I moved abroad because something inside wanted to move, to get out. I kept feeling the pull of something different than my life in the States. There was some magnetic force driving me towards a life abroad.

01.01.24

- [ ] You already have all you need inside of you.

02.01.24

- [ ] “Some mistake take us to the right places”- Master’s degree, moving to Karlsruhe, etc.

09.01

- [ ] Diego- where does his motivation to work hard come from? As far as him mentioning (in September) not wanting to be in a relationship with me- is it self-sabotage? Does he think he’s not good enough? Does he fear failure (yes, black/white thinking)

09.01

- [ ] I am resilient (water damage in my apartment) and maybe a bit delusional (using almost no energy to worry about it and believing everything will work out just fine.)

17.01

- [ ] Being in “survival mode” and being detached from my body sensations like not being able to tell that I was hungry or only a faint idea that I had to pee

22.01

- [ ] Sometimes I expect Diego to show a bit more emotional depth but I was talking with a coworker and maybe he hasn’t had the opportunity to really show that. I act closed off and don’t share too many emotional details about my life because I’m scared of being perceived as weak or flawed. Sometimes I just expect people to know how I’m feeling and be ready to take care of me emotionally without me explicitly expressing how I feel. And then I get disappointed when people aren’t sensitive to my needs, which is nonsense/unfair. I act like I’m open, but it’s hard for me to open up.

23.01

- [ ] Maybe I was so concerned with following the rules and being “good” and “nice” and “obedient” as a kid because my mom expected us tobe quiet and sit still and not make noises as a kid or she would yell at us.

24.01

- [ ] The rooster in the mirror is yourself

26.01

- [ ] Does Diego ask me questions about me/my life?

- [ ] Don’t try to live someone else’s life

28.01

- [ ] “Nothing changes if nothing changes”

31.01

- [ ] I told Jos I loved Freiburg and he said “everyone loves Freiburg,” like it was a bad thing. He couldn’t like anything that anyone else liked. He had a fucking car and never offered to take me there or anything. He just ignored it because he was above liking anything that was popular. Where’s the fun in that? Freiburg is so much better than the shithole town he stayed in: Germersheim.

05.02

- [ ] Since the Winter of 2022 at one of the lowest points of my life, I have tried to play a more active role in my life- prioritizing what makes me feel happy and at peace. Nature and friends

- [ ] Realized that sometimes I don’t feel calm/safe enough to take a shower. Other times I just can’t face the fact that I have body that needs to be taken care off because I am so overwhelmed/sad trying to survive every day.

- [ ] My mom is very resentful and a lot of what she does seems to be in her framing of spiting others

06.02

- [ ] I think I’ve been avoiding creative jobs/a creative because they feel very exposing. Behind my art, there is me. But behind a random spreadsheet, I can hide/there is no part of me in it (which only adds to its feeling of “meaninglessness”)

07.02

- [ ] I think I’ve taken some of these past jobs (besides for eventual financial independence) to avoid doing really anything at all. Hiding behind doing nothing felt safe. I didn’t have to expect anything of myself in these jobs. I didn’t have to be vulnerable in these jobs. Working on my own projects will force vulnerability, which is terrifying but hopefully relieving as well.

08.02

- [ ] Maybe I can take myself more seriously and trust myself 🤷🏻‍♀️ quit my job today.

09.02

- [ ] Maybe I repeat myself and it’s hard for me to explain myself and feel listened to and understood because I didn’t feel like my mom actually listened to what I said and showed empathy towards what I was saying as a child (and still now). She would always question it or just go into how she felt about something. She didn’t allow me space to feel how I felt. And as an adult I’ve realized that I’m barely in tune with my emotions (I’m working on it) and I’ve had to suppress so many emotions throughout my life (growing up, in order to avoid huge backlash/responses from my mom and dad and in oder to “keep the peace”) and still continue to do so.

- [ ] Very happy that my dad has been so supportive of me knowing my decision to quit my current job. He really was empathetic to me feeling unsafe and upset by my boss and him saying that he wouldn’t he disappointed if I quit meant a lot (even if I am trying to distance myself more from the expectations of my parents and live life for me).

11.02

- [ ] I try to make sure everyone is okay in social situations because as a kid I was used by my mom for her to feel okay/she threw so many of her problems and emotions onto us as kids and it was our job to comfort her. Totally inappropriate.

14.02

- [ ] As a kid my mom would ask me “why are you crying?” Kinda in a judgmental tone instead of just comforting me when I cried. She didn’t validate my emotions

- [ ] Surely we were “well-behaved” as kids, but where has that gotten us now? Keeping ourselves from expressing ourselves and tiptoeing around others

15.02

- [ ] Been noticing my dissociation a lot more recently

16.02

- [ ] I couldn’t shower for a full week (Friday to Thursday) because I was so stressed about work. Sometimes I think I can’t shower cause I can’t let myself relax and actually recognize I have a body for any period of time. I get so stuck in my head sometimes that I’m in a survival mode, and somehow don’t feel safe to let my guard down and shower.

20.02

- [ ] I act like I’m an inconvenience to myself- oof. I think it makes it easier for me to justify to myself not caring for myself (basic care, etc.)

21.02

- [ ] Last day of my stupidass job who the fuck goes to their employee’s home uninvited and rings their doorbell???? Like what the fuck is wrong with that man I am livid now that I feel safe to be what the actual fuck.

- [ ] I felt like I was holding my breath in that office for the last month.

23.02

- [ ] I did have the mental space to focus on my apartment and arranging it and decorating it and now I have time to focus on that which is nice. I would come home from work most days and nap for hours.

27.02

- [ ] I’m a people pleaser because I was used by my mom to fulfill her emotional needs my entire life and I had to suppress my emotional needs.

- [ ] I dissociated so hard today that I printed out 100 extra copies of what I was printing at a copy shop. €50 worth of copies. I’ve been in a state of overwhelm since I’ve thought that I had another hernia two days ago. The thought of needing surgery has sent me into a spiral.

03.03

- [ ] I don’t need any extra pressure in my life right now. I can’t handle any extra pressure (from my parents) in my life right now. That’s why I’ll be financing myself for the next couple of months until I find a job.

- [ ] It may realistically take months. The people who graduated with me with the strongest resumes took 6 months to find a job. Some were even German.

- [ ] I don’t see any other option than to finance myself in order to maintain my cool during the job searching process

04.03

- [ ] In constantly comparing me to my grandma, my mom has told me who I am my entire life. I struggle with finding my own identity and being proud and loving of myself.

05.03

- [ ] Trying to work through my people pleasing but I have felt responsible for other people’s happiness and comfort and moods my whole life and that’s because my mom made me and my siblings responsible for her emotions. Like I have really thought it was my job to make others feel happy and comfortable my whole life. And if I can’t manage that, I’ve fucked up. It is so much pressure I’ve put on myself and absolutely unrealistic. It is up to others to manage their own moods and feelings.

- [ ] I have been incredibly dissociative the past couple of days since my dad called me for two minutes to tell me to get a boring job and that I can’t use my money to fund myself. I felt dizzy yesterday and today and had brain zaps today plus an overwhelming buzz/static feeling in my head come over me.

- [ ] When I talk to my mom I don’t feel heard or understood.

- [ ] I think I started pulling out my pubic and leg hair as a child as a way to dissociate and numb myself from my feelings.

- [ ] We had no outlet to work through our grief caused by familial deaths in our (my siblings’ and my) childhoods

08.03

- [ ] A lot of times I feel like I need permission from outside sources to do things but I could just grant myself permission to make decisions for myself.

15.03

- [ ] My parents have different perspectives and opinions than me on how I should live my life and I want to learn to accept that while also following the path I want to take and supporting my opinions on my life.

20.03

- [ ] Told Helen that Germany was culturally autistic: the rule-following, the taking things too seriously/struggling with sarcasm/not immediately understanding nuisance, etc.

23.03

- [ ] I’ve been feeling anhedonia (lacking of feeling any pleasure) for the past couple of weeks since the week/right before Helen came to visit, and that has really sucked. It’s one of those experiences where I feel like I’m underwater and I can’t get to the surface to feel any joy about anything. It’s absolutely devastating to know you normally like enjoying certain things and you’re completely numb to feeling any happiness from then. And from there I question whether it’s worth living if I can’t feel any joy. It had been weeks of anhedonia and it’s slowly starting to lift. I was at Linus’s for the weekend and I just noticed how I couldn’t feel excitement for anything- hanging out with him, a board game night, fun foods, etc. And this evening those clouds lifted a little and I think I’m getting back to feeling, which is a huge relief.

26.03

- [ ] Should I study forestry? Ecology? Biology?

27.03

- [ ] I’m still hurt and uoset about the whole thing with my old boss. I don’t feel safe in my apartment sometimes and think he’s going to try to find me here again. Mom said I should look for other apartments and I agree.

- [ ] I need to keep moving forward. I keep thinking about what happened with my boss and keep retraumitizing myself. I need to love myself. Can see in 6 months from now once I have a job/something more figured out if I still want to move, etc

- [ ] I‘m disappointed in myself for having to quit my last job but I know I shouldn’t be because it’s not my fault what my boss did. But I still feel so much guilt for never formally complaining and hopefully helping the other mostly young, foreign women working there. But I had to get out because my mental health was plummeting and I didn’t feel safe working there anymore. I need to accept that fact that I quit and that I am currently paying for an apartment with way too high of rent that I feel guilty about. I need to let myself accept my decisions and look for better options in my future.

30.03

- [ ] Told Diego I don’t have the ability to relax fully for the most part when I’m hanging out with him because I still feel like I have to impress him in some way (seeking his approval because we are not a stable or official thing). Which he said he appreciates knowing. He hangs out with me and thinks oh this and nice and fun, and he wanted to know how I feel about it. He said he hasn’t met someone yet where he wants to be in a relationship with them. And of course, I need to take that by face value. He said he didn’t know at what point he will want to be in a relationship again or how he will know he does. He said he fears starting a relationship with someone and then staying in too long (I imagine he did this with his ex because they were together for 7 years). I told him how I’m always the one to leave relationships/break up with people, and that I’ve chosen non-compatible people to be with and have jumped into relationships too soon. He said he wants to be able to explore his freedom right now, especially after his long relationship. I said I feared the point and the sadness when we stop seeing each other, and when I see him in the future with someone else. And that I’m not really interested in going through the effort of dating people right now, and in a way, it’s just convenient to see Diego because I know him and already like him.

31.03

- [ ] “If you don’t try, you can’t fail, but you also can’t succeed”

- [ ] To Diego: I like you too much to keep seeing you as more than a friend because it hurts.

- [ ] - : thank you again for starting the conversation- it helped me confront how I’ve been feeling.

- [ ] Diego listened to me without shame or judgement. It just sucks to consider losing hanging out with him this way, I really have enjoyed our time together and getting closer and getting to know each other. Maybe in a friendship in the future that can continue, but I will most likely need time/space until then.

- [ ] I need a sense of security and I can’t get that in what we currently have.

- [ ] Diego explained that he fears if he gets into a relationship he’ll just hide in his room all the time and dating gives him a reason to go out and socialize. That may be the case but also being in a relationship doesn’t need to be the reason why someone holes up in the their room/a relationship can give someone the opportunity to do more things out and about than they usually do.

- [ ] I like him a lot and I want a sense of security with him, which I’m not sure how I can get without being in a/starting a relationship with him. I want to be with him.

What I sent him:

Hey you, I thought about everything and I think we should stop seeing each other as more than friends :/ Our conversation Saturday made me confront my feelings that I’ve kinda been pushing down for some time: I like you too much to see you as more than a friend (but not be in a relationship with you) because it hurts. I need a sense of security and I can’t get that in what we currently have.

Still really happy you checked in with me on Saturday and initiated that conversation. I don’t hate you and I’m fine to chill with you in a group in a future 😊 I just need some time until I could chill with you one-on-one again and could pursue a “normal” friendship, if that’s an option for you.

I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you better and having fun with you 😊

Thanks for your patience and care the other day.

Hope your duolingo Sunday was a success 💪

01.04

- [ ] I can feel myself being upset with breaking things off with Diego, and not “waiting it out” but I think I’ve been “waiting it out” for months now, and his opinion on whether or not he wanted a relationship wasn’t going to change. It was never my job to change it. I was chasing fantasy. I was falling in love with a fantasy: a fantasy of what could’ve been. But it wasn’t a full fletch relationship. We weren’t even together like a relationship. It was definitely situationship and I need to remind myself that. There’s nothing beneficial me being upset with myself. It’s better that I’ve listened to my needs, and not drag this out in the risk of developing even stronger feelings, and being even more hurt in the future because Diego was clear from the beginning, but he didn’t necessarily want a relationship. And his thoughts didn’t change after we had started seeing each other. It’s gonna be a tough next couple of weeks I imagine, but I hope I can get over him in the fantasy of him soon and comfort myself along the way.

02.04

- [ ] I’m not very upset with myself for choosing to see Diego in the first place last fall because I got to pursue my years long crush and see how it would play out being more than friends with him. I’m glad I got to experience that.

06.04

- [ ] Dating Diego made me so insecure because I never felt secure in what we had. It was never a defined relationship, definitely a situationship. I have never felt more jealous of other women in my whole life, judging my own body and thinking about what I “lacked”, etc. I just imagined him choosing other girls other than me because they had “better” bodies. Which is absolutely wild because other than wanting to gain back some weight, I usually am super confident about my body. But he said weird shit like how my body is a “niche” that some are into (without him specifying that he was into it) and when I came back to Europe from xmas at home he said I “gained weight in all the right places” which really and truly made me feel so fucking objectified. I lost weight when I first started seeing him in the fall because I developed stomach problems due to stress after starting my then job and initially thinking he didn’t wanted to see me at all (this wrecked me emotionally). I became “too” skinny cause I kept having diarrhea no matter what I ate, for like a month. And he would only ever call me “hot” which like I know I am but that wasn’t enough. I just hate how low my self-esteem got while seeing him because he would just breadcrumb me compliments and I felt unhinged thinking about the other girls he was talking to and seeing (I would see tinder and bumble notifications on his phone- he had every right to see other people because we weren’t exclusive nor anything defined but holy crap did that hurt). Excited to get my feeling or self-worth and self-esteem back after ending things with him.

11.04

- [ ] I can ”wait for the right conditions to come into my life” and trust that everything is going to be okay, and apply for jobs based on my values and what I want my day-to-day life to look like.

- [ ] I rarely felt wanted as a child by my dad growing up. Like he didn’t want to have kids.

12.04

- [ ] Sometimes it’s hard for me to breathe when I leave my apartment. Like I’m holding my breath when I’m walking Ruby over to the grass patch outside my place. I think it has to do with my former boss coming to my place uninvited. It’s hard for me to feel safe here because I re-think about that instance almost every time I leave my apartment and pass by the hookah bar downstairs. He suggested multiple times that we smoke hookah there together. What a fucker. My mom said I keep re-traumatizing myself and I fear I really am, and the only thing that will stop that from happening on a daily basis is if I move out of this apartment.

14.04

- [ ] “I will not be an afterthought to my own consciousness”- Gendersauce on self-care

15.04

- [ ] “I am always more in love with the person I could be than the person I am and that is an exhausting way to live” - Joshuaspoetry (instagram)

16.04

- [ ] I was giving more energy to Diego than I was giving to myself. I was stuck in limerence, and thought of him more often than I’d care to admit. I’m still working to get out of limerence- most days are much better and manageable- and trying to stay in reality, instead of letting my imagination go wild.

- [ ] My mom complains to and seeks validation from us kids and she used us to emotionally regulate herself growing up and continues to

17.04

- [ ] Most days when I got outside in public I dissociate. It’s so discouraging for me to go outside- sometimes it dampens my mood when I notice that I’m starting to dissociate when I’m getting ready to leave my apartment.

18.04

- [ ] Mom would always shame other women for getting their nails done, going to the spa, being “high maintenance”, etc. and I think I really internalized that, and feel undeserving of self-care and doing things for myself because of that. She acted like a martyr because she didn’t get her nails done.

- [ ] “pursue activities because they give you satisfaction, rather than gratification. “ - on living a purposeful life

19.04

- [ ] I stifled myself and made myself smaller as a kid because my mom would compare me to her mom and tell me how I was bossy like her and too much and so I tried to push down my true self to make her and others feel comfortable. And I felt so ashamed about the person I am. And still do feel this shame.

- [ ] It was great not being in the advanced class in 7th/8th grade because everyone wasn’t so full of themselves. Loved the talisman assignment we did.

19.04

- [ ] My dad slapped me in the face as a child when I rolled my eyes at him. I still remember it and that’s absolutely fucking unacceptable. No wonder I was terrified of him and his anger growing up.

- [ ] Felt happy and relieved and more positive today after submitting a job application. I do wonder if the timing has to do with ending my period soon, since my mood also lifted last month at the end of my period. Checked and it was on the 5th day this month and the 5th day last month oof.

20.04

- [ ] I get to decide what jobs I apply to. I can apply to ones that sound exciting and interesting to me. I don’t have to apply to ones that don’t sound interesting to me.

21.04

- [ ] During my birthday party that I was hosting at my place in 2020 with a bunch of people, Ben decided to sit me down in my room and express his worries about our relationship, which then made me cry. He took a big day for me where I was doing a lot of work hosting my friends and wanting to have fun and celebrate my birthday and he made it about him. Wtf

03.05

- [ ] It’s not fair to grow up with a dad whose anger terrifies you and paralyzes you. That was my experience. It was selfish of my mom to stay with him because we (the kids) suffered.

05.03

- [ ] Mom would triangulate us siblings between her and Dad. She doesn’t communicate directly with Dad nor us siblings, so Landes and I oftentimes have to assume a peacekeeping role.

06.05

- [ ] Being told who you take after or who you’re similar to as a child (for example my mom saying I was similar to my grandma) prevents you from discovering yourself and allowing yourself to express yourself individually.

13.05

- [ ] On limerence “thinking about him is you leaving your life”- on the fantasizing and escapism of obsessing over a person

- [ ] ^ “cut ties with the ideas that are torturing you”

14.05

- [ ] “Use jealousy to point you in the direction… to be the north star of what you want” Mel Hamlett

15.05

- [ ] The other night I went out with some friends to a club and then afterwards I hosted as friends and a couple of friends of friends at my place. There was a guy there who is Teo‘s friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend, and I’ve always found him to be cute. at the after party at my place he started to sit closer and closer to me and even at the club actually, he asked me where I live and if I live alone, which I think is like a. creepy and b. just way too forward. Like we had hung out in group for we never really talked but anyways when he was at the after party, he kept like making it obvious that I don’t know he was into me and at one point Teo and Konstantinos just kinda said hey we’re gonna try to go soon like Konstantinos can stay at Teo‘s place but I expected Konstantinos to stay at mine. And the dude Philipp just wouldn’t stop staring at me and I wasn’t really giving him signs that I wouldn’t anything, but the way that you acted it made me feel like I was a piece of meat being fed to the wolves like she didn’t ask me, are you trying to see Philipp or do you want us to leave or anything like it really made me feel gross and like an object and like I’d no decision making power at the party that I was fucking hosting. Made me feel really disgusting and I’m super happy that I just like whispered to tail that I don’t want anything with Philipp tonight. But I really hate that she assumed that and it didn’t make me feel safe or supported was just it felt wrong like there was an expectation from my friends as well for me to sleep with some dude. When I was in my early 20s, it would’ve been that easy for me to just sleep with someone and I do imagine myself having one night stands in the future and things like that. But right now I’m still so fucked up from the situation relationship with Diego and I really need space for men and dating men and I don’t even really feel safe in my apartment or like around my apartment like everything concerning social stuff with strangers is too much right now. I’m really trying to decenter men I know that Teo doesn’t do that at all, but I need to stop wasting my time on energy on men right now like I really just wanna focus on what the fuck I’m doing with my life and where I wanna be focusing of my love and affection on myself.

16.05

- [ ] Diego always thought he was right, which was incredibly frustrating. There’s a certain type of elitism and distrust (if not total disregard) for other people’s experiences and knowledge that comes with that.

- [ ] Pretentiousness also comes to mind…

19.05

- [ ] Justin made me feel like a slut for having partners in the past.

- [ ] Today on the bus a lady asked me if my hair color is natural, to which I responded “no”, to which she responded “it would be better if it was natural” *rolls eyes*

22.05

- [ ] Maybe Landes and I turned to leg/skin picking as a kid (and have continued as adults) because it was a less “disruptive” or obvious stim than movijg around too much or making noise ir stimming in a way that would’ve annoyed mom. We could hide it better, too.

- [ ] I have let myself be dragged down by men (especially those I’ve dated) time and time again.

23.05

- [ ] You can feel invisible and resentful if you have a parent who is constantly saying things at you without trying to have a conversation with you. That can make you feel not respected and not seen- Mel Hamlett

- [ ] My mom monologues all the time and takes up all of the air in a room. As a kid, we couldn’t even close our bedroom door and lock it because my mom constantly needed an audience

- [ ] Mom berating my dad/making fun of him and his inability to wake up early on weekends and her always talking about “being up since 6am” made me feel so ashamed for feeling tired a lot of the time and needing to sleep in as well. She would make fun of me for not waking up during “single digits” when clearly I was just fucking depressed. And that furthered my shame which of course is not great for depression.

06.06

- [ ] Has skin picking/hair pulling been a way for me to dissociate since I was a kid to avoid my discomfort/anxiety?

14.06

- [ ] “I learned about gender through shame” - Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

- [ ] Germans are so fucking untrusting and it’s super frustrating sometimes.

18.06

- [ ] “Your future self matters, but so does your present self” - Task Accountability

22.06.24

- [ ] Saw a therapist on Thursday for an initial talk “Erstgespräch” and she diagnosed me with agoraphobia. It’s so upsetting to hear but not surprising at all based on my general fear of leaving my apartment and feeling like I can’t breathe when I go outside and walk Ruby, for instance. And the therapist asked if I feel safe at home right now and I said that I don’t. I’ve had loud tinnitus for weeks now and I can’t relax at home. I’m so upset by the sounds of cars that I can hear. I felt like absolute shit the past couple of days. The therapist suggested I go to an intake program at the psych hospital here to ask for help. I went and they were closed but luckily I still got to talk to a doctor. I just feel like I can barely escape my anxiety right now and I feel trapped. Ruby peed on my bed Thursday morning and I have been sleeping on the couch since then because I can’t deal with it. I know that the pee soaked into the mattress and idk what to do because I don’t feel like I can use my parents’ money to buy a new one. I just feel so tired and weak. Granted my period started yesterday but like I must have PMDD because I just feel like absolute shit until it comes. I feel like any next bad thing to happen could me over the edge right now and I don’t want that to happen. That’s part of the reason why I went to the psych intake place. But they couldn’t set up an appointment with me they only gave me two anxiety pills. I will call on Monday to see if they can fit me in. I also noticed I was pretty shaky the past couple of days and idk if that’s because I haven’t eaten enough or because of anxiety or both. I can’t even think to plan food. I barely feel hunger.

- [ ] I feel like the past few days have been a blur because of my anxiety.

- [ ] I feel like I’m constantly forced into the situation of feeling extreme anxiety because I have to walk Ruby out in a very public space (next to full cafes and a four-lane stoplight) every day multiple times a day. I can’t ease into exposure; I am constantly being thrown right into my triggers multiple times daily and it’s driving me insane. It’s just so much

27.06

- [ ] Many cismen can’t just face themselves and their lives and aren’t introspective.

29.06

- [ ] Two of my friends moved into a beautiful apartment today and I’m so jealous and upset that I’m crying. I’m really upset that my dad said that he would visit for my graduation and then he said he would visit to help me move and then he didn’t visit me because he couldn’t handle that. He was so stressed out that I didn’t have a job yet, and then he didn’t come and help me. And my friend’s dad help with the move and came all the way down from Denmark to Southern Germany to help him move and I feel like I’m stuck in the place where I am and I can’t get out of the apartment where my former boss tried to visit me and it’s been six months and I fucking hate it. Six fucking years since I moved to Germany and my parents haven’t visited me yet and it will be seven years until they visit me because they’re not visiting me until next year Taylor within a couple years of him moving and they visited him multiple times and they had to fly to get to him And make me feel it makes me feel like I can’t impress them. It makes me feel like I’m a burden. It makes me feel like shit.

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Journal 7/27/2023-12/13/2023

(from Notes app)

27.07

- [ ] I can create my world of flowers, trees, love and happiness. I can be anything- I just need to do it.

31.07

- [ ] My mom holds onto everything. She doesn’t get over things

01.08

- [ ] I feel like I’ve been feeling burnt out lately because I’ve been processing decisions (like doing my Master’s degree that I didn’t care about and moving to a random city), relationships, etc. recently and it’s been exhausting but I’m learning a lot. I’m really trying to listen to myself and what I’m feeling and trying to figure out what I want now more than ever, instead of letting things just slide by/not considering my needs in my decision-making process. I’m working on trying to be more connected with myself and putting my voice first, not expectations of how I should be first.

- [ ] And with that work I’m tired, I’m low energy and I’m feeling a lot more than before. I still feel like I’m not feeling every single thing, but I definitely have opened up to feeling more. And with that, I have to process more.

03.08

- [ ] I think I’m too tied up in what my parents think of me and what I’m doing. For that reason, I think I will lesson my contact with them maybe once I start a job just so I can have space from their (sometimes just perceived) expectations. I got a Management degree thinking it would impress them and I fully regret getting that degree now. Wasn’t something I was really interested in.

03.08

- [ ] “I am enough to fight for. I am worthy of good things. I am worthy of fighting for the good things in my life.”

06.08

- [ ] DPDR- Depersonalization-Derealization disorder: what I’ve been struggling with for the past couple of months (and before that, in Fall/Winter of last year). It has been ebbing and flowing but overall I think it’s getting better. (Or I’m just getting used to it) but I think it’s getting better because I’m not getting upset by it as much.

13.08

- [ ] I like that I’m impressionable and keep myself open to new ideas and experiences.

14,08

- [ ] I’m trying to figure out who I am- my needs, my wants, my values- because I feel like I did my Master’s degree to make my parents happy/for their approval and I don’t feel fulfilled with that decision and am trying to figure out what to do with my life and consider what I want, the most.

- [ ] I’m trying to connect with myself because I haven’t for so long.

- [ ] I need to center my wants and needs.

14.08

- [ ] “A mind too active is no mind at all.”- Theodore Roethke

- [ ] I have been overthinking/having racing thoughts from the moment I wake up til I finally fall asleep for the past few weeks. I really do feel like my mind doesn’t work anymore/I feel out of it from all the overthinking and dissociating.

22.08

- [ ] “Do what intrigues you, explore what interests you; think mystery, not mastery.” - the Artist’s Way- for filling the artistic well

- [ ] I think I go into a freeze response because when I was a kid and my parents were fighting, I needed to react as little as possible and hide my discomfort so that I could protect myself and feel like I was staying safe.

- [ ] Maybe I felt lonely in high school when my siblings were off at college, etc. and I was the only kid in the house.

24.08

- [ ] I had so many good cat neighbors in Freiburg. Lots of cats to pet

- [ ] I think it’s so easy for me to he in a relationship with someone/to have fallen into so many relationships because I love people as a whole so much. And I want people to feel heard and appreciated. But I just haven’t set standards for myself, until now, where I’m currently trying to figure out my standards. But like I think so many people deserve to feel seen and heard and I felt like I could provide that and I did provide that- but not always for people with whom I was compatible or who I really liked or who really liked me. I have given way too many people chances rather getting to the root of what I want and need. I have wasted time and energy on so many men. I’m trying to focus on giving experiences to myself and spending time with myself and loving myself now.

- [ ] “Tell your friends the things you want to hold back from telling about your romantic relationships. Your friends will help you protect yourself and are there for you. Your friends will hold a microphone to your intuition.” - Mel. Also about listening to your intuition about things you think aren’t right about your relationship that you feel to scared to tell your friends but you need to tell your friends. A good friend will fight for you and support you.

- [ ] I didn’t say so much of what toxic shit Justin was telling me and how poorly (and sometimes scary) he was acting towards our relationship. I held that all in and it ate me up inside. But I should’ve told my friends. Instead, I would try to justify it. But really, my friends would’ve been there for me and would’ve helped me see how toxic and unhealthy the relationship was. Of course, Justin isolating me from my friends due to his jealousy and deep insecurity preventing me from spending a lot of time with my friends and maintaining my friendships well.

26.08

- [ ] Mom says “family is everything” and yet she eroded any relationship my siblings and I had with our father growing up by badmouthing him, giving us negative details about their marriage, and generally making dad seem like the horrible person, and me, in-turn, thinking my mom was a basically perfect parent until I went to therapy in Freiburg and my therapist said my mom manipulated her kids and emotionally abused us so that she felt loved by us, since she didn’t (and doesn’t) feel loved by my father. That’s so fucking sad.

31.08

- [ ] “Are you letting yourself down?” -Queer Eye

- [ ] It took me three months to finally write and send an email to my former employer’s HR person asking for my job reference (and providing bullet points of tasks I did in the role). If that doesn’t show the state of my summer…I was stressed out (still am) convinced that this person hates me and most people who worked with me at the Karls hated me. I thought about writing that email almost every day for 3 months, never being able to convince myself to do it. Doubt and fear have really had tight grips on me recently:

3.09

- [ ] Create a life that you would be happy living

- [ ] “You can savor anything you find pleasant…all you have to do is approach it with slow, mindful gratitude, rather than seeing it as an item on a to-do list that you have to check off.”- Laziness Does Not Exist

- [ ] - even taking Ruby to the park to chill and read a bit is stressful to move myself to get myself out of the house to do. Then once I’m there, I really appreciate it. I need to work on taking a more mindful approach to nice nature chill moments like this

- [ ] “Savoring is the process of deeply and presently enjoying a positive experience” - Dr. Devon Price recommends savoring to find joy and meaning in life

- [ ] Oof, I do a lot of these

15.09

- [ ] On moving out of Karlsruhe and to Freiburg: I want more for myself

- [ ] “Breathing and being” - TikTok squirrel

- [ ] I feel like I’m holding myself back. From trying new things/doing things that scare me (starting tiktok/insta for castles, developing my film and diving deeper into my photography, applying for jobs -especially in Freiburg-, etc.)

21.09

- [ ] After getting through wanting to kill myself at the end of 2022, I decided that I need to prioritize my friendships and time spent with loved ones. They’re one of the most valuable parts of life. I wanted to develop my friendships and embrace the love I give and receive in them. Literally, life is nothing without friends. I’ve also wanted to prioritize my time out in nature, because being in nature makes life worth living for me. I want to work more on that prioritization from now on.

28.09

- [ ] “A lovely gate provided”

01.10

- [ ] Teo is enabling Julien by being his friend- he’s a fucking misogynistic asshole and she knows that. I judge her for the company she keeps.

13.10

- [ ] In the past, I’ve dated men I’ve felt sorry for. I’ve pitied them

- [ ] Anna Linemann has put a microphone up to my intuition calling me out when I was upset because I thought Diego didn’t want to date me and she said “you just told me a couple of months ago you didn’t want to be in a relationship for a while” - and this is so true and I’m very happy she spoke up and supported me that way. I am not in a position to be in a relationship right now (I am hoping to see Diego casually, but don’t necessarily have to become his partner- although I think I might want to) and so I want to express that to Diego and it really is okay if we just date casually right now/in the near future.

24.10

- [ ] One of those days where I feel like I’m underwater and I can’t access happiness.

- [ ] Went to a secondhand shop and it was hard for me to interact with the “real” world. It didn’t feel real/there was a wall between me and it.

30.10

- [ ] Good prescribed iron last week after a bloodtest revealing low iron levels which is means for an anemia diagnosis. It feels really good to have that confirmed- especially because of the extreme tiredness I’ve been feeling the past few months. Fatigue is a top symptom of anemia and I feel like fatigue has been preventing me from doing so much recently. I have felt absolutely plagued by it. I really really hope the iron supplements help out with that. It’s exhausting to feel tired all the time. I also have been having heart palpitations while I’m just sitting chilling which can be a symptom of anemia.

31.10

- [ ] Mom would vent to us about dad as we were kids (and still does) and that was unfair to us.

04.11

- [ ] The universe of you

05.11

- [ ] Yesterday Diego and I had our picture taken at the dino ride at Europa Park and I made peace signs with my hands and he said “It’s like that photo of us at the chalet (the one from my first trip there and we’re on the couch together), except this time I leaned in 🥺” (cause I made fun of him for looking like he was keeping as much space from me as possible in the original pic- he had a gf at the time). It was so cute of him

- [ ] He thought it was cute how nervous I was going up the big coaster with him

13.11

- [ ] What is a life that I don’t feel like I have to run away from? - Self Experimenting, tiktok- in brainstorming how I want my life to look like in 6 months

- [ ] “The world is your stage but no one is watching. Make mistakes…they don’t mind!”

- [ ] Diego put his arm around my shoulder and held me and I leaned my head into his chest and he rested his head on mine and I rested my hand on his thigh as we watched Portlandia together on the train from Zürich to Basel

20.11

- [ ] I’m sick of the apathy (depression)

- [ ] I can’t access happiness again and I fucking hate that

23.11

- [ ] My mom lives in the past with the things she talks about. She doesn’t express excitement for the future, just anxiety and frustration.

- [ ] “Do little things to make you proud of yourself. Those things build on each other.” - Melanie Hamlett

- [ ] I changed for the worse when I was with Justin.

- [ ] “Replace scrolling with learning”

24.11

- [ ] My mom used us to regulate her own emotions, instead of her partner or her friends, and still does.

- [ ] It’s hard for me to fully enjoy visiting home because every time I have to reenter the toxic hellfire that is my parents’ relationship and it’s hard to stay calm.

27.11

27.11

- [ ] Diego said we don’t have to beat around the bush referring to us showing that we’re seeing each other at the chalet this year. Excited to cuddle with him and kiss him there 😊

29.11

- [ ] My mom mentioned that she doesn’t leave my dad because he would be alone. A. Maybe he would be; maybe he wouldn’t be- she can’t predict that. And B. It’s not her fucking responsibility to “make sure” he’s not alone. That’s such a cop-out and it puts her in the position of making herself a martyr. It’s so frustrating. I think she’s projecting, because she fears being alone if she left him.

01.12

- [ ] I felt abandoned the night I went to Freiburg to get support from Teo in September

- [ ] I wish someone would’ve asked younger me how I was feeling after my aunt and grandparents dies. Absolutely no one was there to support us emotionally during that time. My mom was overwhelmed herself and both of my parents don’t know how to handle their emotions.

- [ ] Me pushing down my feelings/not expressing my opinions on things when I’m in people-pleasing mode might come from my dad telling me that “others have it worse” and “there are kids around the world suffering” whenever I would be upset as a kid. And now I absolutely loathe and try not to show being upset in front of anyone a lot, except when I’m with my close friends and I’m so upset that it’s dire.

04.11

- [ ] What does future Anna need from me today?

09.12

- [ ] I wanna have my own back instead of being upset with myself/disliking myself

- [ ] I’m not sure my mom was able to emotionally support us kids ever.

10.12.23

- [ ] I wonder if my concern and OCD obsession with whether or not my mom will be safe/die is because my mom made it our job as kids to be concerned for her and to support her emotionally.

- [ ] I want to work on self-advocacy

11.12

- [ ] The other night about a month ago I had gone to a little game night after frisbee practice that was in way too brightly lit room in some random building with. I ended up sitting with only Germans at my table, which I think was a mistake. And that night I don’t think I had ever felt so foreign in Germany as I had in a long time I approached the games differently. Someone made fun of me for miss hearing something in German, and I just overall couldn’t connect with the people I was playing with, and I felt like such a fucking outsider and it was so weird because one of the coaches was surprised that I was German, I mentioned that English was my first language and they were like oh I didn’t know like where are you from and it’s just weird to be at a point where in some cases like at a game night or like when maybe there’s not too deep of conversation or too complicated conversation. I can disguise myself as maybe being German, and that’s wild, but that happened the night that I just felt like such a fucking foreigner, who didn’t belong, and I just couldn’t integrate myself with these people playing the games and I love boardgames, but after I left the party, I just cried it -really hurt me.

- [ ] There’s just such a profound loneliness with living abroad and having to put so much extra effort into every relationship and friendship you have in every way of interacting with people and I know that shows this I completely chose this, but sometimes I forget how hard it is, and those reminders can be very painful.

- [ ] I think it also felt extra bad because I had joined ultimate frisbee. Not only to do something with my body is a good distraction for my thoughts, but also to feel sense of community and to make some friends and although I have made some quasi friends through frisbee that was during the first course. And the second course I really didn’t make new contacts and everyone felt more serious about the way they took the sport versus the first course felt more like people were just trying out something new is less competitive and so it just hurt because this was me pushing myself out of my comfort zone to do a sport with mostly Germans in a sport that I’m not necessarily good at. I’m just trying out And I just didn’t feel motivated anymore to keep going to practice after that night cause I didn’t want to see the people again.

12.12

- [ ] This past weekend I kissed Diego in the woods in the middle of the night in each other’s arms standing under the stars and it was so sweet

13.12

- [ ] It is so stressful being around my parents because they so clearly loathe each other and are so disrespectful to one another.

- [ ] My dad would compare me to my siblings when I would do something wrong, saying “your siblings never did anything like this,” which in turn made me always feel like there was something wrong with me. I still carry a lot of shame about myself to this day and hide my true self from a lot of people for fear of judgement or being seen as weird. My feelings of shame about myself also contribute to my low self-esteem.

[runningthroughpetalfields]

03.09.2023 Today I cried over this picture.

Last year was the worst year of my life. I almost took my life. And I’m so happy I didn’t. But sometimes you’re stuck in the all-consuming dark so long you really can’t imagine it ever getting better. Like you are lost in a dark, creepy woods and you will never find your way out. You are stuck. You feel stuck. And you spiral.

I’m so happy I made it. I’m so happy I’m here.

[runningthroughpetalfields]

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Journal 25.05.23-27.07.23

(from Notes App)

“Do you really want to go through life, giving people exactly what’s expected of you?”- antoni on queer eye, on (not) embracing your queerness

“It’s not fair for you to be living in a corner, while other people are running free” - Karamo on queer eye, on conbating internalized homophobia and being comfortable being yourself and taking up space with your queerness

24.05.23

- [ ] Cried a bit at yoga- light next, to me light above me, light under me, light in me- at the end of the session

- [ ] Yoga helping me express my emotions is probs a good thing! Hehe

- [ ] “Can begin dreaming of a world where your soul bursts with aliveness? Can you begin dreaming that world into being”- squirrel dialogues, tiktok, on motivation, feeling stuck, and overwhelm

- [ ] ^ i picture fireworks of my soul exploding out from me into the world

- [ ] “(Cis) Women are raised under patriarchy to be incredibly codependent, and have a thermometer up the butt of everyone around us, especially men”- Melanie Hamlett on tiktok, for dealing with king babies/anticipating king babies’ moods, people pleasing

- [ ] It’s hard for me to decide in what direction I want to go right now because I feel a to make a career decision that would make my parents happy, because they are the ones currently paying for my expenses. But i guess no matter what job I have, I will hopefully be able to pay all of my expenses myself. Also through my relationship with Justin and through years of people pleasing, I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self and what I value or even like or dislike. I feel like it’s very hard for me to tell how I feel about things. I takes time for me to process my emotions, if at all. I’m working to better this by starting doing more activities I like, such as Ultimate Frisbee and Yoga.

29.05.23

i want wonder

I want independence

I want community

I want excitement

I want passion

I want intrigue

I want exploration

I want doing

I want being

“Is what I’m holding on to also holding on to me?”

01.06.2023

- [ ] Having friends is not the same as caring about your friends

- [ ] Not asking questions is “not disinterest, it’s disdain”

- [ ] My mom trauma-dumps on me and my siblings all of the time

03.06

- [ ] Is it selfish to not have kids? Or was my mom selfish to have kids so she could use them to feel loved/use them emotionally?

05.06

- [ ] I don’t have to get everything done all at once. I can start one thing at a time, and this is okay.

- [ ] I think I would dissociate when my parents fought when I was growing up because I was scared I was going to get hurt, with the yelling, slamming cupboards/doors, etc. It felt like a real threat. I guess that’s when I learned the anxiety response to dissociate. Now that I’ve been feeling dissociative almost every day for over a month- May 3 at the piercing shop is when I really noticed it- I’m wondering what triggered it and why am I still dissociating. I think my dissociation is depersonalization, because I feel like I’m just in my head and my body and what I do doesn’t feel real. Kind of like a dreamlike state where I don’t have control. It’s pretty damn uncomfortable and I’m not sure how to deal with it right now.

08.06

- [ ] I overexplain myself to men because my didn’t really listen to me/engage with thoughts and opinions growing up

- [ ] Jos would literally just suggest to me to start any of his hobbies/things he was obsessed with. Even though he knew I had no interest in extreme sports, harvesting and selling catci, etc. He was only concerned about himself and centered himself- didn’t give a shit about my interests

13.6

- [ ] I think I give people(current partner and past partners) excuses/the benefit of the doubt to A. not acknowledge what I’m feeling and B. Because I’m super interested in the “why” of everything in the world so I keep hope that there’s a “why” that I can use as an excuse

15.06

- [ ] I’m buying myself a camera as a graduation gift. I deserve a graduation gift for first of all graduating, second of all not killing myself, and third of all for dealing with all that shit in the past year.

- [ ] Dad said I shouldn’t take out my invested money for it and instead I could take out a loan from him. But I don’t want to be dependent on him. I want to buy this for myself now, so I can start creating a portfolio for myself. It’s my money and I can do what I want with it.

15.06

- [ ] My mom rarely says encouraging words about me being in Germany and generally just tells me to come back and how it’s better im the USA. That gets old, and it’s tiring. I made my decision to move here and made my decision to stay here. Would be nice to hear some encouragement about that once and a while. Cause it probably contributes to my constant feel of guilt- her always telling me to come back.

- [ ] My strengths- I’m very adaptable

17.06

- [ ] “When we stop fearing laziness, we can find time to reflect and recharge, to reconnect with the people and hobbies that we love, and to move through the world at a more intentional, peaceful pace. “Wasting time” is a basic human need.”

19.06

- [ ] I need someone who validates me. I can’t say that Patrice really does. My mom almost never does, and my dad almost never does. That’s very frustrating for me to feel heard. So I think I’ve just stopped expressing the worst of my experiences (for example, with depression) because A. I don’t want to feel like a burden and B. I feel I won’t get the validation I desire.

22.06

- [ ] I’m happy I’ve made a decision for myself, my worth, and my happiness (i.e. breaking up with Patrice).

22.06

- [ ] “Leipzig ist das kleine Paris”

- [ ] Leipzig- has a bit of a bug city feeling- some place loud, traffic, can’t see anything other than the city- can’t see mountains or something- sometimes I feel trapped in places like this. Because size so big, maybe overwhelming for me? Like traveling far distances and stuff? Idk

- [ ] Pretty architecture, punk style everywhere, the rivers/streams are nice. Tons of people kayaking but idk where you can swim here- probs the lakes nearby. It doesn’t feel crowded like Berlin, which is nice. Some streets felt completely deserted from people. Very few people of color

25.06

- [ ] “Fuck figuring out who you’re meant to be. Stay lost as long as you can.”- Do Revenge

03.07

- [ ] “Don’t date just to date, just cause you’re alone, just because you’re avoiding yourself or your trauma, or just because you’re afraid”- Melanie Hamlett

05.07

- [ ] Since about the middle of May, about a month and a half, I felt like I was constantly dissociating. It fucking sucked. I didn’t feel real, I felt like I was playing a character in a video game. I think it has been because of my increased anxiety. I also started to blink a lot during this time. Since this past weekend I have felt way less dissociative and I really appreciate that. The numbness feels a little less bad. I can process things a bit more clearly. I feel more alive.

- [ ] My body has taken on a very strong freeze response after being suicidal this past winter, adjusting to being back in Germany, and feeling pressure from my parents to get a job. The job search has had ups and downs, but I’m starting to figure out what I want/what job would work best for me during this time. During an interview in Heidelberg last week, the interviewer straight up asked why I’m applying for this office job while I have a Master’s degree. And that really hit me hard. I’m hoping to find a job where I only have to work 75% and can use my free time to do photography and travel. I’m also looking for a job that pays well enough and to the level of someone with a Master’s degree. And hopefully the job isn’t all computer work- that is way too boring for me and I will literally fall asleep.

17.07

It would be so cool if…

- [ ] I photographed friends ans made a portfolio with my view camera (!)

- [ ] I became a freelancer

- [ ] I started choosing myself, not men I could date, first

20.07

- [ ] Don’t date someone who’s not interested in me. Don’t chase people. Don’t date someone who is immediately too excited/overinterested in me- they might just like me for superficial reasons, they need to get to know me (and I them)

21.07

- [ ] Watering can as purse

27.07

- [ ] Sometimes I feel like I can’t do shit for myself because I’m the one I’m upset with. I’m the one I’m ashamed of. I leave my kitchen dirty- flies, mold, smells, and all for weeks without cleaning it up. Not a clean bowl in sight- I can’t cook because nothing is clean and I can’t clean because I don’t have the energy and I hate the feeling of cleaning. And am I doing this just to spite myself? Just to wallow in self-pity? I’m not sure. I really just think my depression doesn’t allow me to have the energy (mentally, physically) to keep up with tasks. It’s hard enough to shower a couple of times a week. It’s hard enough to take Ruby out for walks. It’s hard enough to sit myself down and read one of the books I’ve been trying to read. I spend hours on my phone on social media to numb the pain, to numb myself, to quiet the thoughts that are constantly running through my head. It’s just a lot.

[runningthroughpetalfields]

[runningthroughpetalfields]

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Myst Among Books by Candra Gloomblade 

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Malayan Peacock Pheasant 

Image: Wikipedia

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Bauernmalerei door

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Natalia Pas Paintings (@nataliapaspainting)

[runningthroughpetalfields]

house decorated with flower motifs in zalipie, poland // 01.06.18

[runningthroughpetalfields]

[runningthroughpetalfields]

Hello florals #lavender #flowers #purple

Lilac by Dominika Brudny

[runningthroughpetalfields]

A legend #me #neopets #usul #squirrel #cancer

[runningthroughpetalfields]

#lifegoals

Sunshine Chick ♥ My farmer character in Stardew Valley with a Chickadee ♥

[runningthroughpetalfields]

14.11

Little German girl on the bus asking, “Sprechen Sie Deutsch?” after us talking about my hair in German. No, little one, I’m just speaking some jiberesh to you?