rvmember

[rvmember]

i uh don't really have anywhere else to put this or rant so this is just going to be me ranting... god i don't know how to start tbh. basically this year has been so shit for me, like many others, and im struggling so much. i mean obviously im an incredibly privileged person but, recently it's just. functionally in my head im still a sophmore/junior when in reality im heading to college in 3 months and im graduating in less and i don't even know what college i want to go to because this whole process has numbed me out and i haven't gotten that character development most seniors get where i can close the final door to my "childhood." i have been a good girl and been quarantining properly i dont even go out to get groceries or anything, i dont go to school in person , everything is virtual. i haven't seen my boyfriend since march 12th last year and i haven't seen any of my friends either. we have 2 months left together and 2 of my friends are moving to another states after they graduate, and majority of us have to go to india due to personal/residency issues and i haven't seen them and i miss them so much. we're trying so hard to safely meet but it's like we have no way to meet because of so many obstacles. so much of my emotional and daily support came from them because my parents can't emotionally support me in the same capacity. the whole process of admissions and colleges hasn't gone like i wanted it to and i know im going to have to choose com april where i want to go but all these colleges are just names on paper i've never visited or seen them beyond their websites and choosing where i want to spend my next 4 years doesn't feel real. i spent 3 years working so hard to enjoy my senior year but everything ive ever looked forward to is crushed. if i was going to be here why did i sacrifice so much, why did i do so fucking much, give up so much. i can't get myself to do anything for myself anymore and i just want things to be normal again. please just let things be normal again.

[rvmember]

i have so much i want to say to you. so much i want to tell you. but when i open my mouth, nothing comes out. as if someone turned me into stone. put rocks down my throat. i feel a barrier, a wide chasm between us growing, that i’m yearning to close.i wish i didn’t feel so much for you. i wish that when i looked at you, my heart didn’t bubble over with my feelings for you.

[rvmember]

i’m tired of mourning what was lost. i’m tired of constantly looking back, wondering, hoping when i could feel happy again. i’m tired of living in the past, only looking back towards the memories where i could feel. touch. live. i’m tired of time constantly flowing forward, when i’m stuck, reliving that one moment. i’m tired.

[rvmember]

i want to feel the crushing exictment of being in love with everything around me. i want to be in love again. with a person, with the world. i want to love and feel the crushing joy of seeing everything as i’ve never seen it before. i want to hold their hand and feel as my heart blooms. i want to feel that pressure fill my chest and that excitement in my veins, strumming through my body. i want to hold someone’s hand and be electrified back into life, jolted back into reality. i want to feel.

[rvmember]

sometimes. i yearn. i yearn to feel something. anything. everything. i want to feel everything again, in bright, vivid technicolor. i want to feel my body strumming with energy. i want to feel the sun, the rain, the wind against my face. i feel like i’m trapped, behind a glass wall, watching, hoping as my life and the world passes me by. it’s as if i’m just floating along, as time rushes past me. i feel. i feel like i should feel everything.

[rvmember]

it was naive of me to think i could be happy