s0berthoughts

[s0berthoughts]

7:49 am

the universe really enjoys fucking with me

[s0berthoughts]

oh no, not again.

that was our thing. you know that. and it hurts to see you doing those with someone else.

i know i have moved on. but i can't stop myself from feeling hurt every time i see you with her. no, it's not because i still love you. you see, what happened to us really took a toll on my mental health.

i kept questioning myself. was i not good enough? not pretty to be put out on public? not talented enough? not someone to brag about?

if i was insecure before, it became worse. the confidence i try so hard to build didn't even last long. it's like every compliment you two receive for what you have now is a slap at me to wake me up and see how different what we had from what you have right now.

i don't know. i guess i'm just really hurt.

[s0berthoughts]

9:32 pm

i’m staring at the sky trying to count all the stars i wonder how bright the sky is from where you are do the clouds look fluffy? i bet they do they always do we’re not looking at the same sky i’m thinking of you as i do you’re thinking of her as you do too

[s0berthoughts]

11:32 pm

what if all the stories i wrote were happening in a parallel universe that things i imagined they would be are things that are really happening to me in another world what if we ended up together? maybe not here, but somewhere out there.

[s0berthoughts]

where time goes in reverse

I was standing there waiting for you. The game just ended and the team won. As always, you would all have a short prayer before going on separate ways. So I watch your back faced against me and I wonder what your prayers are about. I wonder what you talk to Him about.

I was deep in my thoughts while staring at you that I didn’t noticed you turning around. You were surprised to see me there but smiled nonetheless. You tilt your head on your side to look at me better because I was behind the tree, scared for others to notice me. You smiled and waved at me. I did, too.

You went to your bag and finished packing up. I waited still.

My phone vibrated and it was a message from Belle. She was asking where I was and reminded me about our study session. I quickly wrote a message and told her that I am just waiting for you and meet her after.

“Sam!” He’s leaning on the fence looking at me then pointed out the exit gate. I nodded as I got what he’s saying.

While walking towards the exit, I thought about the first time we actually saw each other. It was just like this. I waited for him at that exact same tree, and he recognized me at first glance and smiled at me, and he surprisingly remembers my name and called me, and we met at the exit gate as well. I smiled at the thought of how much a lot has changed after that happened.

Turning towards the gate, he was already there with some of his teammates. He saw me and opened his arms in instant. It already became a habit every time we’d see each other. It’s like his arms already know what to do. I walked to him and hugged him. He hugged me with his free hand as the other was holding a shoe bag.

“Congrats!” I told him as we stepped back from the embrace. He messed up with my hair and said his thanks. The boys passed us and I congratulated them as well.

“Where would you meet Belle?” He said as we start walking towards his car. I told him our plans and he told me his. The team would have lunch together then they are free afterwards.

We reached his car and he opened the front seat for me. He walked to the back to place his things on the trunk before going back in front. We talked a lot about school and other stuff. It has been days since we last saw each other because we were both busy with our things.

“I’ll join you later. I’ll message you.” He dropped me off first in Starbucks where I will meet Belle before he’d go back to his condo and have lunch with the team. I nodded and kissed him on the cheeks before going out of the car. I watched his car drove away and made my way in.

Few hours after, he sat beside me and placed his laptop on the desk. I know that he has a lot of things to catch up even if he’s excused for some of his classes due to trainings and games. We worked with school stuff for the next hours while taking breaks in between. Belle joked about being a thirdwheel and distracting her from studying. We just laughed at her.

This is how I imagined us.

After seeing each other for the first time; it was after your game. I stood there behind the tree waiting for you to finish packing up. You saw me, smiled at me, called my name, and met me at the exit gate. We talked a little after I congratulated you on the game. You introduced me to your teammates. You asked about where I’d be after. Then you bid goodbye.

I didn’t know that that was the end. We literally parted at the exit. I thought after meeting each other, things could have worked better. I hope that we could have maybe worked out, but no. Things didn’t ended up that way.

Maybe in a parallel universe, we could have made it.

[s0berthoughts]

You

“I’ll risk it all for you.”

That’s what I said to her before she turned her back on me. I am willing to give up everything to make her stay. I am ready to do anything for her, even if it’s something I am not used to doing. That’s how much I am willing for her.

She smiled at me. Did I mention that it’s her smile that made me fall for her hard? Because that smile could easily brighten up my day. But it’s different now. Her eyes spoke differently.

“You’ve already done enough. More than enough. It shouldn’t be like this. I feel like you’ve done everything for me, for this relationship, and all I did was nothing.”

I shook my head. No. I did those because I wanted to do it for her. I wanted things easy for her. And never did I demand anything back from her. I was happily doing things for her. I thought it was just the right thing to do.

“I feel like we stopped ourselves from growing because we’re too busy to make us grow. We forgot that we both have our separate worlds and that we also need to grow and learn things separately.”

She held my face between her hands and looked at me straight in the eyes. My vision became blurry from my tears and I saw hers too. But she’s trying to fight back those tears and I wish I could do too but I can’t. This is all too painful.

“We have to find ourselves back. We have to see and experience the world on our own and grow from it. I know we can do it together, but I think it’s best to do it apart.”

She paused to breathe and that’s when I her tears start falling. I quickly wipe her tears with my thumb and let my hand rest on the side of her face. She closed her eyes and leaned on my hands. Then she stepped back from me.

“I don’t know what could happen to us after this. We might find our way back or not. But whatever the future holds, I will still be here for you. I am always grateful for you and what we had. I will always have that with me. Never blame yourself for this because I know that deep down you know too that this is what we really need right now.”

I tried to reach for her and hug her for the last time but she stopped me. She smiled at me again. And all I did was stare at her and memorize every line and curve on her face, memorize the way she looks and the way she feels. I looked at her and hoped that she would see right through me.

To see that after all this, I will find my way back to her. I will do what she wants right now, but I will come back for her. She is my home and I have no intention of leaving it. I will take this as a vacation then come back. I always come back home.

  And I didn’t.

And she didn’t.

In the process of finding ourselves, we both found new homes. And we were happier in that home.

Two years after, we met at the exact same spot where we left everything. I didn’t expect to see her there and she didn’t too. Maybe this is the universe working for us.

We sat at the bench facing the Sunken Garden waiting for whoever would speak first. I did.

“How are you?”

She turned to my side and smiled at me. The smile that made me fall for her. I guess I will always love that smile. Because it is one of the most genuine one I have ever seen. When I saw her smile that day and when I looked into her eyes, all I could ever think was happy memories. I cannot remember everything about it but I know that once in my life, that smile was what made me who I am today, where I am today.

She started telling stories about her travels and her search for herself, and how she was able to resolve her issues with her family, and how she is able to fight her anxieties, and how she was there in that chapter of her life, and how she will still be there for the next ones.

Then I told her mine. How I was able to start a business, and learned to live on my own without my parent’s help, and how much confident I am now with the works I make, and how he helped me in every step, and how he is still helping me move forward.

Somewhere during our talk, I realized that it’s not really just love that makes the relationship works. It’s a whole lot more and it starts with yourself. You have to be complete and you have to do it for yourself. You cannot depend on other people to fill the gaps in you and make you whole.

You do it yourself and you do it for yourself. You love yourself. You understand yourself. You figure things out about yourself. You find yourself and constantly find yourself.

You do all these before you can offer yourself to someone else. Because if you do, you will be able to know better— to put yourself first and the other next. It may sound selfish but that’s how it is. Then you work simultaneously to continue to filling up and finding yourself while nurturing the relationship you have. You just simply have to be there for yourself first.

[s0berthoughts]

He never fails.

It’s happening more often than I expected. Again, I isolated myself. This is no one’s fault. There’s no one to blame. 

It is my choice. I needed this.

And He never fails.

I woke up feeling worse like before. I went to school light headed because honestly, I don’t know what I am doing anymore.

It feels like I am not in my body and somebody’s controlling me. Or is my body used to it already? You know, the routine.

I sat there in class and received a text, “Have a wonderful day today.” My courier sent me one hundred and eighty pesos worth of load.

But that was not the reason I smiled a little. It was the greeting they had. Like the universe knows what’s up and decided to cheer me up a little.

Then I had wings for lunch, because I felt like I needed it. I even invited them first. And what better way to cheer me up than having a milk tea from Macao?

Yes, I deserve that today. I may have spent too much but I know I needed it.

Then I went “home.”

I thought the cheesecake could solve everything but it didn’t. I may have forgotten for a while, but reality slapped me back.

Tell me, why do I have to deal with this again?

Like always, be patient.

Your time will come.

And when it does, everything would be in its right places.

Be patient;

Love.

[s0berthoughts]

to alex:

Love, you keep me going.

I am having one of those days where I feel like isolating myself from the world. And I kind of did. I was quiet the whole day and I know my friends felt that something was off. I am thankful they did not pushed me to tell something or talk about it. I am afraid I wouldn’t know what to answer.

How do I say that I am lost?

That I don’t know who I am;

That I feel empty inside.

For the past days, I have been seeing the symptoms so I am not surprised anymore that I am at this stage in my life again. I tried so hard to distract myself, to redirect where I am headed to. But I can’t. Like always, I can’t. And that is one of the hardest part. Because I am aware of what is about to happen and what is already happening but I can’t get myself to do something about it. It seems like my body is even longing for this day to come. In my head, I wanted this to end. I wanted to go back to how I am before. But my heart, my soul, they seem to love it. Is this their rest?

But this isn’t a happy place. I can’t be here. I don’t want to be in here.

I wake up and I am slapped with … reality. I don’t want to get up. When I did, I am faced with … reality. I don’t want to live. But I know I must, so when I do, I am lost. Because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know. At night, I am all alone in my room. I talk to myself. I reflect on myself. I cry to myself. I beg to myself. Let me out of here. I don’t want to be in here.

And I look for an escape. I tried so hard to look for it. I found you.

Alex, you keep me going.

So here I am asking you- please stay.

It’s so dark in here and I can’t stay in here. Pull me up, will you?

[s0berthoughts]

i have a habit of making stories in my head.

your class just ended and you had a long quiz; it drained all the life of you. you invited your friends for lunch and decided to get some wings, your comfort food. you ate your lunch and now you feel like conquering the world. and yes, you’re conquering the world. little by little you are leaving your mark on it– excelling in the sport you play, achieving goals on your list, inspiring people through your platform. and i believe you already left your mark on me. you went out from the restaurant and that’s when i saw you. i saw a woman so beautiful, but she’s yet to see it. i saw a woman so carefree; she glows under the sun and radiates positivity. i saw a woman and that was you. you were busy laughing with your friends but something made you looked up and direct your eyes at me. it made me jumped a little because of the shock. and as if the heavens are on my side today, you saw that and chuckled softly. i didn’t think it’s possible for you to look more beautiful than you already are. months passed and we now often recognize each other along the hallways, at the canteen, around the campus. it feels like my body has memorized yours that every time you’re going near me, it opens its arms to welcome you. then like a magnet, my lips would fall on your forehead. and our hands would hold each other like they are destined to fit together. but after every sweet kisses and longing hugs, i would wake up in my own dreams. i forgot that i was a writer and this is just another story im waiting to become real.

[s0berthoughts]

the dream

and suddenly it hits her, like a raging storm or a furious thunder. it built barriers and set fires. she burned down our growing desires.

but one day calm waves rushed into the seas, like a mother with a reassuring kiss. it corrected all of our wrongs; and it led her back home— my arms where she belongs.

[s0berthoughts]

don’t fall for her words

i’ve always admire writers for their talent. how they can easily play with their words and create a masterpiece in the end. i know it takes a lot of crumpled papers and deleted words, but i admire them for their patience and their courage.

patience for slowly building up their characters and unlocking their powers. courage for putting a piece of who they are on the story they’re making.

i’ve always admire writers like you. how you can easily play with your words and make me fall in love with you. i know it took a lot of time for you to compose your words, to say “I love you, but not in that way.” i admire you, still, for your patience and your courage.

patience for trying to build up something you’re not sure of. courage for showing what you truly feel and for being honest not only to yourself, but also to me.

i’ve always admire you. but i know now not to fall for words.

[s0berthoughts]

number one

you are on my top list. the number one. i spent all my time for you, giving my best.

i did everything for you, not minding about me- my well-being, my health, my state.

i tried things that are out of my zone. i took every opportunity. all for you. all for the sake of making you happy, making you proud.

well, i guess i was your number one, too. you’d always say, i brought you up inside of me for nine months. i took care of you when you were a baby, fed you, clothe you, sheltered you. that was long before he happened.

you changed. i am no longer your number one. you looked at me with regret in your eyes, with anger in your heart.

you stopped appreciating the things i did. i stopped being on your number one list.

[s0berthoughts]

a lost ‘boy’ from neverland

Once, there was this little girl. She was deprived of the happiness of being a kid. She was raised by her grandparents who showed her endless love and support. However, they were very strict to her.

At 3, instead of playing with dolls, she was already memorizing the cities and provinces in the country.

At 5, instead of playing outdoors with friends, she was inside reading encyclopedias.

At 8, she could not relate to her classmates stories about cartoon shows. Her grandparents did not allow her to watch any show.

At 11, she learned how to lie to her grandparents. She wanted to be with her friends. She wanted to hangout with them. Telling this to her grandparents would earn her a very long talk with them.

At 12, her grandmother died. God knows how sad she was. She was her everything.

At 13, her mother took her from her grandfather. She was happy. She thought, I can finally say that I have my own family.

Her parents are not married but they are not separated. Both of them are OFWs- her mother in Japan and her father in Saudi Arabia. She has a little brother living with her other grandparents.

When her mother finally took her for good, she cannot express how excited she was. The things she could imagine in her head!

But then reality slapped her right in her face.

Her parents did not love each other; soon they separated. She and her brother did not get along, hence the fights and “favorite” issues.

She envied her classmates who are so lucky to have a complete family. There were a lot of times she prayed for her grandmother to come back or to take her with her.

She almost killed herself. Her mother would hurt her and his brother. She would always say that we were just like our father.

At 15, she had her best friend. She envied her family. They had their own problems but they are much more of a family than what she has.

At 16, she understood everything. She blamed her father for all the things that have happened and are happening in her life. She was mad at him. She was angry. She forgave her mother. She forgave herself.

Then in an instant, everything seemed normal. She and her mother bonded a lot. She and her brother started to get along. They would always partner up in teasing their mother. Everything seems fine that she said, I have a happy family.

But at 17, she lost her best friend. They had a lot of issues. Guess she did not see me as her best friend after all.

But at 17, she also met her love. She was not the first but she prayed that she is the last.

The talk with her mother was long. Her daughter is in love with a girl. Her mother could not accept it at first, but she did not stop. As time goes by, her mother accepted it. She is beyond grateful.

Every night she prays. She says how thankful she is for everything. She asks for His forgiveness for her wrong actions. She knows the things she have done wrong and she does not deny it. She pray for her loved ones safety. She prayed for her happiness.

At 18, her father came back. And slowly, her life is starting to go back to how it were before.

Her mother built her walls again. She started using her father as an argument whenever they have a misunderstanding. She even blamed her daughter for being his father's daughter.

Months from now she would turn 19. All along she thought her mother is okay with her sexuality. Until she joked about it and said that she is not a girl. How are you a girl when you like another girl?

She cried and cried. She even had an argument with her girlfriend for not telling her what happened. She is hurting. So she wrote everything.

She believed that she has always been deprived of happiness. One moment she's happy then the second after, her world is crumbling down. She feels so lost.

And just like before, she wished her grandmother back. And prayed that she would take her with her.

[s0berthoughts]

once, i wished

once, i wished that someone would love me hold my hands when im nervous or jittery hug me tight when im not feeling myself pull me close and whisper sweet things to me constantly make me feel beautiful, inside and out kiss me in my forehead when im sick steal kisses from me when im not looking randomly send messages to me telling me how much i mean to him or her stare at me like im the brighest star in the night sky think of me at any time of the day and say, “damn im luck to have her” make efforts to me and appreciate the things im doing for them always make sure that im okay and not stop taking care of me until im okay always be there for me, any time

once, i wished that that someone would be you.

and thank God for that wish came true.