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s3cret-secret · 18 days ago

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💗 Hold My Hand 💚

SECRET FIC EXCHANGE FOR STAY'S BIRTHDAY >:3

Trigger warings: trauma in past, sexual abuse mentioned, panic attacks

Alternate Universe: College (I tried...)

Pairing: Minsung (strangers to friends to lovers)

Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, fluff (because I wasn't able to leave that out)

Words: 4k

Event fic for: @eternal-stay (this fic is the worst fic I've ever written, sorry, pooks 😭)

The event idea from: @starlostastronaut

Minho promised himself to never love again after some unfortunate and traumatizing events in his past. But when he meets the new student his world is turned upside down. Will he be able to ignore the feelings that cross his heart so suddenly?

"Ey, Minho! Are you coming over for learning later?" Minho's head shot up from the book he was reading and looked into the direction where the voice came from. Chris, or Bang Chan how most called him, walked towards him. Chan was one of his best friends and they both knew each other for many years now. Okay, one year. Since both came to college to study music management. The friendsgroup had fastly grown from 2 to 7 people and was like a family.

When Chan reached Minho, the other one closed his book. "Maybe, I still have to work and you know that Minnie, Binnie, Innie and Lixie are more annoying us than actually studying." both had to laugh a bit. "Yeah, I know. But we miss you. It's weeks ago that you were with us, Know."

The nickname made Minho smile. His friends gave it to him, as short form for Lee Know. They had Innie, Minnie, Lixie, Jinnie, Binnie, Channie and... Know.

He sighed: "Channie, you know that it's not easy right now." "I know, Lino, I know and I'm sorry that happened" "You don't have to be sorry" Chan just looked at him and that made him feel understood. But still. He wasn't sure if he was ready for his chaotic and loud friends again. "You can think about it, Minho, I won't force you to anything. I have to go now. I promised Changbin to continue writing the song we started. See you maybe later and don't come late for the next lesson, we'll get a new classmate!"

When his friend was out of sight, Minho closed his eyes and leaned against the tree he was sitting under. You're such a terrible friend! he thought to himself.

Jisung blankly stared at the hallway in front of him. Everywhere were other students and noises, which confused him. Maybe going to JYP Music College wasn't the best idea at all, since it was one of the most famous Colleges for music-management in South Korea. But also one of the best, at least that was what he heard. Pushing the door open, he slowlly walked into the large building. Luckily the others around him didn't seem to recognize that he was new.

He carefully looked around and tried to find more unique faces, so he would remember at least some of them. His attention was caought by 3 other boys that stood in front of a recording room. All 3 of them looked different from the others but he couldn't really tell why. One of them wore a black beanie and a laptop under his left arm. The other one had blond, shoulder long hair and if Jisung wouldn't hear the deep voice, he would have thought he was a girl. The last one was smaller than the others, even though, all 3 weren't taller than 175cm. He had a buffy body and his muscles where visible with every movement he made.

Jisung was so concentrated at the 3 boys, that he didn't notice the other 3 boys that came walking towards him. One of them didn't seem to notice him either and walked straight into him. "Ouch!" both of them said and made one step back. The boy that stood in front of him had shoulder long hair just like the other one who stood in front of the room. But this boy was taller and looked like a giant compared to his 2 friends. The other 2 wore braces. "Sorry" the tall one said and smiled at him before he walked to the other 3 and his friends right behind him.

Shocked from having contact with other students without even wanting it, Jisung fled out of the hallway as soon as possible. Walking through another door, he found himself in the courtyard of the college. Sighing in relief, he went to a bench and sat down to take out his headphones. In his old college headphones weren't allowed in the building, which was torture for him. He had been outside as much as possible to avoid every conversation. His social anxiety made him stutter all the time and that was just embarrassing.

After some while, he heard how the bell rang and stood up again. I don't even know where the room is... With that thought, panic filled his lungs. Han felt like he was going to cry and sank down to the ground. He burried his head between his knees, until... "Hey, is everything okay?" Jisung raised his head a little to look up to the person that shook his shoulder. A boy with brown eyes and black hair stared at him. Something on that boy scared him. Even though he looked concerned, there weren't any other emotions in his face. But something also made Jisung feel safe with the boy and he turned red. What the hell?

Minho blinked at the boy that sat on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest. What was he supposed to do? Does he need help? Yeah, Lee Know knew how panic attacks looked like. He himself had them from time to time - especially since 1 1/2 months - and oh how often did he find Chan locked in one of the recording rooms, because he panicked. But he knew Chan. He knew himself. That was... different. He had never seen this boy in his entire life and from his own experiences everyone reacted different when they panicked. So he just stared at him and the boy stared back.

Then, suddenly, he felt a sharp pain in his own chest, when the boy looked at him. Not like it came from his heart, but panic spread in his chest, making it hard to breathe. The boy remembered him of someone. Someone he had tried to forget. He had the same dark brown, nearly black hair and the same roundish face. But this boy had big eyes that were so brown that they looked like tapioca bobas. His features were soft and not tensed besides the panic. What the hell, Minho??

Without even thinking, he turned on his heel and walked into the building to his classroom.

When he opened the door, their professor wasn't there. He just sat down next to Seungmin and Hyunjin who were both talking about a random video they saw. He looked around and spotted Jeongin, Changbin and Felix together. Felix used to sit next to Chan but was banned from that chair because he wouldn't learn Korean if he and Chan only spoke English. So the professor just sat him right in front of the whiteboard, together with the other chaotic ones. Okay, half of the chaotic ones. Hyunjin and Seungmin where chaotic and loud too but both were scared of Minho, so there weren't any problems.

He saw Chan in the corner, tipping on the keyboard of his laptop and mumbling something to himself. Minho would've loved to pour his heart out to his friend but the professor would come in any minute, so he just concentrated on the chatter between his friends.

Jisung walked next to the professor that found him. It was the one who would teach the lesson he would have now and just brought him to the classroom. "Everyone, be quiet now! We have a new student from now on. Please introduce yourself." Not that again!

"Uhmmm... my name is... Jisung... or... Han..... hi..." everyone just stared at him and he felt how the panice rose in him again. His gaze darted through the room and stopped abroubtly when he saw a familiar face. The boy from the courtyard sat between the tall one and one of the boys who wore braces from the hallway and just stared at him again. The professor seemed a bit annoyed that he didn't have more to say and just pointed into the corner that was in front of the emotionless boy. "Please sit down next to Mister Bahng. He will show you around later."

Jisung tried to go to his new desk as fast as possible and sat down next to his new classmate. It was the boy with the beanie and when he looked around again that all 6 boys from the hallway were in the room. "Hey, my name is Chan. Nice to meet you!" Jisung just nodded and smiled shyly at the definitely older boy. "Hi, yeah... you already know my name I guess" Chan smiled warmly and nodded. "Since when do you go to this school already?" Han asked. He already noticed that Chan looked older than the others and wondered if he was new too. The older boy smiled and a hint of sadness crossed his face: "I'm here for 5 1/2 years now".

Jisung's stared at the boy, who had an Australian accent hwo he realized by now. "What? When the hell did you come here??" "With 13. Yes, I know that was a bit young but this was my absolute dream" before Jisung was able to say something, the professor cleared his throat and the lesson begun.

Minho wasn't able to concentrate in the lesson. No matter how hard he tried to, his gaze always wandered back to the new boy, Jisung. The boy he met at the courtyard. He didn't know why, but something glued his eyes on his new classmate. It's probably jealousy because he laughs with your best friend, Minho he thought to himself but knew that that wasn't the reason. But oh, the other one was so much worse than just being jealous! Minho promised himself to never fall in love again, not after last time!

But he looks so kind but Minho shook his head about that thought He looked nice too, and? What happened, huh? he started to bite his lip when he thought back. Back, or more precise 1 1/2 months back. To that one day that changed everything.

He snapped back in reality when Hyunjin gently nudged his arm. "Minho-hyung, is everything okay?" slight worry crossed his brown eyes. Minho just nodded: "Yes, I'm fine, don't worry" the younger boy nodded and looked back at the whiteboard.

As soon as the bell rang, Minho stood up and walked out of the room. He needed some space. Now. He just didn't know where he should go. Home wasn't really an option. Lee Know didn't live far away but still too far to go home in an one hour break and the only two people in his friends who lived close enough were Chan and Felix because they literally lived in the school. But he wanted time for himself and not with them. Of course, he loved them, but still. He really needed to sort his thoughts.

He walked back to the courtyard where he read the book a few hours ago. Minho sat down next to the tree, closing his eyes. Why is life so complicated. He flinched when he heard someone clearing his throat. Lee Know expected Chan or one of his other friends, but the new boy, Jisung, stood there.

"What do you want?" Minho tried to seem annoyed but kinda failed. "I... uhh... wanted to... introduce myself... because our first meet wasn't the best..." Jisung mumbled and Lee Know nodded. "Well... you probably know my name already... I'm Han or Jisung..." "I'm Minho or Lee Know" Minho introduces himself. He can't help but smile at the boy, who smiles back with his boba eyes. Gosh, what the fuck, Minho? he thought to himself but in that moment where they had their eyes locked, the world stopped moving.

Han had his gaze locked with Minho, he couldn't look away. He didn't even know why, it just wasn't possible. Eventually, Minho broke the gaze after some time. Jisung sat down next to him and looked at the book. "You read 'Heart-Stoppers'?". Lee Know blsuhed, looked away abd shrugged. "Yeah, got a problem with that?" "No no no, of course not, I read it myself" Han quickly explained. The other boy stared at him. "You do?" he nodded.

Minho looked at Jisung and then suddenly remembered something: "wait, aren't you mad at me?" Han looked at him confuesd: "why sould I be mad at you?" "because I just walked away while you had a panic attack". Jisung shrugged: "you clearly were close to one yourself, why should I be mad at you?"

Minho bit his lip. "Everything okay?" Han looked at him a bit worried. "Yeah, yeah, everything okay, I just... you reminded me of someone when you had the panic attack... someone who wasn't... wasn't the nicest person towards me" Lee Know explained. "Oh...?" "My ex" Minho doesn't even know why he tells it to the new boy, who he doesn't even know. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened but it seems to really have hurt you" Jisung looks at him in sympathy.

He nods. "Yes... yes. It still hurts me somehow" "Well, that is okay. Things need time to heal. And sometimes they don't even heal completely and scar. But if it "only" scars, wear the scars with pride, because it's a sign that you survived something terrible" Minho starees at Han while the boy talks. "Wow. You sound like Chan"

Jisung smiles: "I don't know him pretty well but I take it as a compliment". Minho laughs softly: "yeah, take it as a compliment"

They just sit there for a while. Even if they only know each other for a short time, it feels like they knew each other since the day they're born. "If... if I may ask... what did they do?" "Who did what?" "Your ex partner"

Minho hesitates. He doesn't know Han. He doesn't know anything about him. But he trusts him. Why do I trust him as much as I trust Chan?

"He... abused me in a... sexual way" the words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. Han stared at him in shock. "What??" Minho just looked at the ground in front of him. "May I... hug you?" And again, he doesn't now why he allows something like that, but he nods.

And Jisung wrapped his arms around Minho tightly. Minho closed his eyes. This felt like... home. A literal stranger felt like home. He could nearly hear Chan say "Home isn't depended on how long you know someone, but how long your souls have been connected". He never understood that sentence but right now? It felt like he knew Han for ages, since forever.

Jisung felt Minho's body relaxing. Wow, what on earth is this? he thought to himself. Why is he like... my other half? he didn't know Minho very well, but it feels like he knew him since forever. He didn't want to let Minho go. Never. Is that friendship? Or something more?

At the same time, Minho asked himself the same. Is that really only friendship?

A few hours later

Minho and Han knocked at the door of Chan's and Felix's bedroom. The 'learning' session should start in 5 minutes, even though at least 2 people would come late and the only thing they learned was how fast they would annoy the people who actually tried to learn (#only Chan, Minho and sometimes Jeongin). Chan asked if Jisung wanted to come as well and the boy agreed quickly, so, today they would be 8 'learners'.

When Chan opened the door, Felix and Changbin were already there. Changbin and Chan seemed to work on their homework while Felix was bend over a Korean-Book. The two others just joined them. "Normally, no one ever learnes here. When two more people come, the silence won't last for long" Minho explained to Han. But apparently, this time they all were motivated and the session was relatively quiet.

Jisung was literally as soon a member of their friends group as the last one came. He laughed with them and started a project for a subject. But his attention was only on Minho. The way he laughed, frowned or jokignly smaked Seungmin and nearly choked Hyunjin with tissues, was just... WOW!

When the session was over, Chan hold Jisung back. "Can I talk to you for a second?" "Sure" They walked out of the door and the older boy smiled at Han. "You're in love with our Minho, hm?"

Han stared at him: "Wha... what...?... n-no... of course not!..." he already knew that that was probably the worst lie in his life and saw that Chan didn't believe him. "Uh huh. Just... you are nice and I don't know if you know that his ex wasn't nice... be kind if you ask him... I don't want to see him that hurt ever again. He is like a brother to me... but I don't think that you would do anything to him. He... he would be probably very happy if you would ask him"

With that, Chan turned around with a warm smile and a "good night, Han, sleep well and come home safe!", walks back into his dorm and leaves a confused Jisung. Was he so easily to read or is Chan just some sort of mind-reader? Probably both. But no, he wouldn't be able to tell Minho. Never!

The next to weeks were just a blur for Minho. Completely packed with exams, practice and... Han. Every free minute, they were together, just because. And with every second they were together, they were close, Minho's heart hurt even more with the need to tell Han what he felt. But his lips were like glued together. He wasn't able to focus on anything else than Jisung.

And because of that, the day came were he walked towards Chan: "Uhm... Channie-hyung... I may need your advice?" Chan smiled at him "of course, what did you do?" Minho rolled his eyes but continued: "I don't know what I should do. I swear that I would never fall in love again after what happened but... but-" "you fell in love with Han?"

Minho stared at Chan in shock, then groaned and hid his head in his hands. "Is it that obvious?" his hyung laughed softly: "yes, actually, it is" Lee Know's ears turn red "how embarrassing!" "no no no, Lino, it's not embarrassing, don't worry!" "pff, 'not embarrassing', it is embarrassing!" "No, Minho-ah, loving someone isn't embarrassing. It's something normal and showing it is wonderful" "but I don't want to love! I don't want to love anymore!" he knew that he was acting like a child but he couldn't help it.

But Chan was as patient as always: "I know, Lino-ya, but love isn't something you can't just ignore. I mean, of course you can, but it'll make you really unhappy. Talk to him. You don't have to do it now, but talk to him. I promise, it'll help" "But what if he isn't... gay or bi or-" he was cut off by Chan's gaze that seemed to say 'trust me'. Minho just nodded and walked away.

His thoughts were racing, what was he supposed to do? He felt how his breathing picked up on speed, his heart felt like it would explode. Minho walked to the tree on the courtyard as fast as possible, his only safe place right now. Tears started to sting in his eyes and he hold back a sob. What was wrong with him? Why did he react like that just because he had to decide something?

As soon as he reached the tree, he sat down. It was raining slightly, so no one was on the courtyard, or that was what he thought. Minho pulled his legs close to his chest, hid his face between them and started to cry silently. Suddenly, a hand rested on his shoulder and he flinched.

Han only stood a few meters away, when Minho sunk down next to the tree and he knew that something was wrong as soon as he saw that he started to pull his knees to his chest. He walked over to the older boy and gently rested his hand on the other's shoulder. "Minho? Everything okay?" he felt Minho flinching. "Hey hey, it's okay, it's me, don't worry"

He sat down next to Minho, his hand still on his shoulder. "What's wrong?". But Lee Know just shook his head. "Okay, if you don't want to talk about it, that is okay too. Do you want a hug?"

This time, Minho nodded and Jisung opened his arms for a hug. The other boy didn't hesitate and melted into his embrace. They just sat there for a moment until Minho spoke up: "s-sorry..." Han looked at him. "Why are you sorry, Minho-ah?" "I... I don't know... you would probably hate me, if I would tell you..." he looked down at the ground.

Han gently cupped Minho's cheeks with his hands, caressing them with his thumbs, with what he wiped the tears away at the same time. "I could never hate you, Lino. I love you too much for that". The words were out before he could stop them.

Minho's heart skipped a beat when he heard that. "You... you love me? Like... love-love or just friends?" Han took a deep breath and nodded "love-love, I mean". Minho started to smile through the tears. "Why are you smiling?" Jisung looked a bit confused. "Just... because-" Minho pulled Han towards him and kissed him. Han was a bit startled at first but quickly melted into the kiss. When they eventually pulled away, Minho's tears were completely vanished.

"That was... random and... wow..." Jisung looked completely flustered. "I hope I didn't cross a line, sorry" Minho bit his lip. But Han shook his head: "No, you didn't, it's okay, I liked it" then he smiled softly: "Chan was right about it I guess" Minho tilted his head: "Huh?" "well, he said that you would be happy if I would tell you... and that he would kill me if I hurt you"

Minho snorted. "Yes, that is Chan. He talked to me as well and said that I should tell you... I guess it was pretty obvious, only we didn't realize" "blind is what we are I guess" Jisung reponsed and "laughed softly.

Lee Know smiled but then grew silent again. "You know that I'm a handfull, right? I'm not easy to love..." Han gently smiled at him: "First of all, that is bullshit and even if, I don't care, I love you, no matter what. And second, I'm not easy to love as well"

Minho smiled again. "Two complicated people together I guess. Can I ask you something?" Han nodded. "Can I call you my boyfriend now?" Minho's question was so carefully and simple but cute, that Han's smile grew wider. "Of course, if I can call you my boyfriend. And you are stuck with cheesy nicknames"

"Same for you!" Minho laughed and Han bend down and captured Lee Know's lips in a kiss.

Chan watched everything from the inside and smiled. Finally, two broken souls found their other half.

Meanwhile outside, while Minho and Han kissed, the sun came out again and created a rainbow, right over the courtyard.

END

First of all: HAPPY STAY-BIRTHDAY for the second time today!! (I posted this fic at 23:05 btw >:3)

That was f*cking horrible!!! I don't know where the last part of my writing skills went but definitely not into this fic TT. Sorry again pooks, hope you still liked to read it! I literally cut it down way too much, maybe I'll make a better version just because of my ego...

(@eternal-stay, your form was understandable, at least I hope I understood it wrong, I just was scared that I understood it wrong qwq)

(I didn't read the fic for correcting mistakes yet, I'll do that as soon as I posted it! The time/tense will probably be different in some sentences because my brain decided that it would be better if I write in a different one, sorry :/)

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s3cret-secret · 19 days ago

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ECLIPSE 5.6k words

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ᴄʜᴀɴʟɪx ꜰʀɪᴇɴᴅꜱ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴠᴇʀꜱ | ᴀɴɢꜱᴛ | ʜ/ᴄ ꜰᴏʀ @ʟɪxɪᴇꜱꜱᴛᴏʀʏꜱ | ꜱᴛᴀʏ’ꜱ ꜱᴇᴄʀᴇᴛ ꜰɪᴄ ᴇxᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇ ʙʏ @starlostastronaut

♪♪

Where have you been? Do you know if you’re coming back?

We were too close to the stars I never knew somebody like you Fallin’ just as hard I’d rather lose somebody than use somebody Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise

I see my reflection in your eyes

the first time chan felt it was the night before the survival show.

in a matter of hours, he’d have to show his group to the world, prove that the boys he himself had chosen and prepared were worth supporting. as confident as he was about everyone’s skills and likeability, there was someone that worried him.

not because chan doubted him or doubted his abilities, no. it was because chan loved him.

not romantically, of course not. chan wasn’t in a position in which he could get that close to people, he hadn’t been in a long time, and as sad as that sounded, it was what kept him safe.

thanks to his self-made defence mechanism, his perfect technique of faking trust and attachment while his heart was isolated, chan barely remembered the last time he’d shook before an evaluation, afraid that yet another one of his friends would be ripped away from him.

but now the feeling was consuming him all over again.

tomorrow. tomorrow the first episode of the survival show was coming out, the nine boys that spent the last months building something together laid bare for the world to judge.

everyone would see them, criticise them or praise them. love them or hate them. and chan could deal with it — he’d been posting music with 3racha long enough to learn to ignore hurtful comments, to differentiate words that sought being helpful from those that only wanted to destroy — but maybe the other members couldn’t.

and realistically, he knew that they had each other. they would help themselves overcome the struggles and finally become the long awaited group they strived to be.

they would be fine.

chan held onto that thought and repeated it like a mantra, the words engraved in his brain as a last attempt to shake off the nerves that had a firm grip on his body. but his mind wouldn’t stop worrying about him.

felix, his aussie mate, one of the newest additions to the team and the only member that barely knew korean.

the thing is, felix was charming, everyone that met him could see that. a walking sunshine with a deep voice that didn’t match his bubbly self but made him all the more attractive, that’s what he was to anyone that didn’t know him, and what he’d been to chan when they first met.

but now, that boy was everything to him — well, maybe not everything, but right now he was 1/8 of all chan cared about. and the most special 1/8, in the leader’s opinion. in felix, chan found a reflection of his home, a way that the universe had found to bring his childhood back to him.

chan didn’t know what would happen if he lost him.

maybe the viewers would be disappointed by his inability to clearly communicate in korean, or jyp himself. a k-pop idol that only spoke english sounded strange, undoable. but felix was felix, and chan was sure that he’d win the audience over just like he’d settled into the members’ hearts effortlessly.

he was a kind and pure soul, always making others laugh and smile even if he couldn’t do it with words. plus, he never gave up. every day after practice, the boy sat down with his textbooks, trying to learn the language he was now surrounded by.

and everyone helped him. the members knew enough english to talk to him, which was a huge help. even lee know, who had been with them for a fairly short time and didn’t yet have that much of a knack for english, had become felix’s personal korean teacher.

so why did chan feel so nervous at the though of exposing him to the world? he felt like a little kid showing his parents a drawing, both excited and afraid to get their reactions. it was so contradicting. part of chan wanted to keep felix safe, away from any possible criticism, but the rest of him needed to show his aussie gem to the world.

｡｡｡

fate repeated itself in the worst way possible.

just when the group was getting over minho’s elimination, jyp tore felix away from them.

chan remembered the shock in everyone’s eyes, he kept replaying the image in his head. all the boys had been hurt and appalled, refusing to believe that this was happening all over again.

but felix- chan didn't think he’d ever forget the pain he saw in the younger’s face. the boy’s expression had crumbled as soon as he’d comprehended the news, and all for what? because he couldn’t yet speak korean well?

chan hadn’t known what to do with himself when felix started crying. he’d failed him, in very way possible, and could only offer empty promises that he’d try to fulfill with everything he had

“always find me, yeah? i’m not gonna leave you behind”

he had meant the words, with all his heart, but ultimately he knew that it wasn’t up to him. how could jyp do this to him after all he’d gone through? 8 years of being isolated from his childhood, from love, from his home, and jyp was now tearing him apart from the one person who gave that all back to him.

the leader didn’t know how or when, but to him felix had become someone to brag about, to show off. every time chan looked at him, dancing and singing and interacting lovingly with the members, he felt a newfound sense of pride and happiness.

it’s not that he didn't feel the same about the other members, because he was proud of them, indescribably so. but it was different. with felix had come a protectiveness that the others hadn’t raised in him, probably because they didn’t need chan quite as much.

felix was aussie as well and chan was the only one who could truly understand him, both literally and figuratively, because they’d left the same things behind. so chan had refused to let the younger be like him, vowed to never let the spark in his eyes fade.

felix had become chan’s home, and now that the world would had had its say in their future, he lost him.

that was the first night chan cried himself to sleep with the freckled boy in his mind, and little did he know it wouldn’t be the last.

｡｡｡

“congratulations. stray kids will debut as nine”

the room broke into cheers, loud laughs echoing through every corner as the boys were finally granted their dream. no one knew who to hug first. but felix? he ran straight to chan.

the leader had the biggest smile on his face and felix knew that since his elimination until today, he probably hadn’t stopped pulling strings to make everyone debut together.

felix didn’t even get to say ‘thank you’ because everyone was screaming in the background, jisung sounding like a weird mix between a dinosaur and a sheep, so he just held tight onto chan and hoped the message was clear.

the last few days, he had been terrified. chan had basically adopted him for the last months and he didn’t know what to do when he lost both the team and his aussie bro.

maybe he’d gotten too attached because, after all, the leader was the only one felix could truly be himself around, no language barrier to worry about.

or maybe he just felt special because chan had thoughtlessly pulled felix into his group, purely because he wanted to, and the younger hoped that it wasn’t just because of their hometown or because chan felt like he had to protect him.

it was strange, but felix both loved and hated the thought of being so close to chan because of australia. in a way, both of them saw a piece of home in each other, and that sounded pretty nice, but felix really hoped chan saw past that.

he wanted to be someone the leader saw talent in and was proud of and someone that added enough to the team to become special — which he guessed he was, because chan wouldn’t just work so hard to take someone back to the team he’d earned just because of some silly emotional attachment.

felix held back tears as chan hugged him back. he hadn’t been this happy in a long time. a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders now that he was no longer on a tightrope towards his dream, afraid to fall into nothingness with every step he took.

“i promised i wouldn’t leave you,” chan whispered, giving felix a last squeeze before pulling away. the younger never wanted to let go, but the rest of the team — his team — was waiting for them both to join the celebratiom.

from that day on, felix made a promise to himself. nothing would ever separate him from his team again. and as much as he told himself that it was because of everyone, he knew deep down that the one he never wanted to lose was the leader.

｡｡｡

“again!” minho yelled, his tired voice cutting though the loud music in the practice room. stray kids were practising for a new full album, had been for a few weeks, and the air was tense. not in a way that foreshadowed a fight, they never took it that far anymore, but it was clear that no one wanted to spend a minute longer in there.

it didn't help that they had been stuck on the same song the whole day. 3racha had joined the practice late, their own producing session having dragged on more than expected, and they were struggling to keep up with the dance. everyone understood the feeling of having a bad day, so they kept quiet, but their exhaustion was getting increasingly obvious.

“it’s not even that hard,” seungmin complained playfully at some point, a mischievous smile tugging at his lips. his voice meant to be teasing, of course, but to the three boys that couldn’t seem to comprehend the new choreography it only served as a reminder of their failing attempts at learning it.

“shut up,” hyunjin whispered so only the singer heard, gently nudging him and earning a mumbled apology. it was clear in 3racha’s eyes that they were totally done with today, no one wanted to discourage them even further.

the trio had been working nonstop, but they didn’t want to use that as an excuse because to be fair, everyone had. minho, hyunjin and yongbok had come up with tons of choreography that they had to teach the rest, and no one saw them complaining.

but the others knew that they were dragging themselves to he ground. it was obvious in the way changbin had to bite his tongue to keep himself from snapping every time he messed up, and in the way jisung’s eyes had looked glossy when he’d stepped into the practise room like he’d cry at any moment. it was nothing new to see 3racha worn down, but that didn’t make it any easier to watch.

one of them seemed to find the choreo particularly hard today, and it was chan. with how little sleep he’d gotten lately, it wasn’t surprising that his head couldn’t seem to wrap around the dance, messing simple details in every run-through. it was so frustrating to him, and sad to the others.

the leader’s eyes kept fluttering shut in between breaks, and the dark circles under them didn't help to make him look like less of a zombie. each time he missed a step and was the reason that everyone was held back from going home, he felt ready to burst into tears.

it had been a long time since he last felt so useless, but he knew that now was not the time or place to drown in self pity. he had kept it together the whole day, through the tiring session with han and changbin that had admittedly gotten them nowhere and now through the never-ending dance practice, so he hoped no one would notice just how much he felt like a failure.

and while the others resigned themselves to feel bad for the entirety of 3racha, there was a pair of eyes that had been set on him the whole day.

chan didn’t notice, too focused on doing his best — his best that today was clearly not good enough — and not falling asleep on his feet, but then minho called the end of practise, totally aware that their progress had been little to none but unable to push the members anymore, and while most of the members grabbed their bags and quickly exited the room, eager to finally go home, felix followed chan.

the leader’s vision had started to blur at some point and he really didn't want to deal with passing out, so he grabbed his phone and went to sit on the couch, planning to act like he was making a call so that he’d have time alone, but someone plopping down next to him shook him out of his daze.

when he looked up, his eyes met felix, who was looking at him so warmly. the care and worry in the younger’s gaze made him want to cry, and he had to turn his head away with a shaky sigh.

“what?” he asked, his voice embarrassingly unsteady as he tried to keep his emotions in check. he never seemed to manage to hide anything from felix, and he didn’t know whether to love or hate that.

“don’t what me,” felix said in english, running his hand down chan’s back in a way that made the leader’s heart skip a beat. it did that so often lately, but chan never wanted to think deeply about it, knowing that he’d find feelings he wasn’t ready to confront.“what’s going on?”

honestly? everything. the producing session had been a mess and dance practice had been even worse. he felt dead on his feet, too, but that only affected him, so it was fine. the rest however must’ve been so annoyed by his lack of utility today.

“i- i keep m-messing up,” he replied, choking on a sob and hiding his face in his hands. he’d tried his best to hold it back but the tears were already spilling, leaving cold trails on his cheeks.

he felt felix wrap an arm around his shoulders, the younger’s head resting coming to rest against his. “no you don’t”

he said softly, and chan almost believed him. “you’re just tired today, it’s okay”

hesitantly, felix reached up to pull chan’s hands away from his face, smiling when the older let him, but his expression quickly fell as soon as he saw the leader’s face. in a matter of seconds, chan had gone from looking tired to looking absolutely broken, and felix wanted to cry with him. in an idol’s life it was normal to have days in which no progress was made, but it was rare to see chan so worked up over it.

“why are you so upset?” he asked, gently brushing away the leader’s tears. it was useless as they kept falling, but chan still leaned into the touch, his body shaking. the gesture felt weirdly intimate to felix, even though it would’ve been normal if he did it with any other member, but he didn’t question why. he already knew the answer anyway.

“i d-don’t know-” chan sniffled, rubbing a hand over his cheek in an attempt to stop the tears. “n-nothing went w-well today and… a-and i held a-all of you back”

he felt bad unloading all of this on felix but he also felt like he could trust him, almost like he wouldn’t mind listening to him. and yeah, he didn’t.

“but you didn’t,” the younger promised, rubbing chan’s back again. “bin and hannie were tired too, none of us mind you having bad day”

despite knowing that the words were probably true, chan shook his head. “i-it’s not just a b-bad day,” he said, his voice cracking. “i’ve been messing up so much— i c-can’t do anything right lately”

this shocked felix. lately? what did lately even mean? in his eyes, chan did nothing but be perfect every day, whether that be creating music or as a person. he could understand the older being upset over today but he felt that chan was blowing it out of proportion, like he so often did when it came to berating himself.

“what are you saying?” felix asked, maybe a bit too bluntly by the way the leader immediately looked away from his eyes. “no- look at me.” chan did. “there’s nothing you’re doing wrong”

the way i see you is wrong, chan thought suddenly, the words popping up in his mind like a jumpscare. what the fuck? they weren’t even talking about feelings— and he didn’t see felix any way, he was his best friend. right.

“you can’t say that after seeing me dance today,” chan said, chuckling a bit. really, it was almost funny how bad he’d managed to be in practice.

“but i can say it after seeing you be perfect every day” felix replied quietly, staring straight into the leader’s eyes before realising what he’d just said.

“no wait- i mean!” he stumbled over his words, flustered. “you’ve been working really hard and still looking out for us— yeah, that. you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do.”

he mentally patted himself on the head, proud of his quick save, but when he looked back to chan, the leader’s cheeks had a subtle flush to them.

must be from crying so much, he thought, feeling sad for the leader all over again. that’s when he remembered that chan hadn’t replied to him. he was just staring at felix, his expression a mix of surprised and grateful, though there was still doubt clouding his eyes.

then, he smiled, looking unusually shy as he averted his gaze. “thanks” he mumbled quietly, hiding his face behind his hands once more. felix worried that he’d start crying again but instead he just whined, the way he did when stays left cheesy pick up lines during his lives.

“you can’t just say that,” chan complained, voice muffled behind his hands. “it’s not— ugh”

felix laughed, the sound echoing in the empty room, and it did nothing to ease chan’s feelings. his heart was doing somersaults and all because what, felix had called him perfect? it didn’t help that the younger still had his hand on his back from earlier, tracing shapes mindlessly.

or not so mindlessly.

eventually, the younger’s laugh died down, but he had a permanent smile on his face. seeing chan like that wasn’t usual, but for some reason he really liked it. “cute” felix thought.

“STOP!”

oh fuck. he did not just say it out loud did he.

“stop what?” felix asked, playing dumb while trying to come up with an excuse. he couldn’t, not with chan staring at him with flushed cheeks and eyes still glossy from his breakdown earlier.

“nothing.” chan pouted. he was sure he’d heard felix call him cute but maybe he just misunderstood him. his brain short circuited half of the time he was with the younger anyways so it wasn’t a surprise. he kinda wanted felix to find him cute tho… what was wrong with him?

“anyways,” felix patted chan’s shoulder, interrupting the sudden silence that made him feel awkward, “you got the point?”

“that i’m perfect? yeah”

“stop” felix groaned. now it was his turn to blush. “but yeah. i mean it, don’t beat yourself up over silly mistakes”

“got it,” chan mumbled, still a bit upset, but being with felix had really done the job of cheering him up. without thinking, he pulled the younger into a hug, breath catching in his throat when the other returned it instantly.

if he had any tension left in his body, it melted away in felix’s arms that were holding him even tighter. turns out he didn’t need alone time, just his personal sunshine.

his personal sunshine that wasn’t really his.

chan pulled away, albeit reluctantly, when the dancer started to play with his hair. he knew that it wasn’t on purpose, that it meant nothing because felix was felix and he took any chance to be affectionate with anyone, but he was dangerously close to letting himself believe that he was special to the boy.

the walk home was pretty quiet, surprisingly so. nothing was ever quiet when those two were together but chan was completely lost in his thoughts. his mind had become a whirlwind of contradicting emotions, spinning around felix.

he was only pulled back to reality when his hand accidentally brushed against the younger’s, though by the fifth time it happened he wasn’t sure of it being unintentional anymore. he didn't want to look up, not ready to face felix after having unraveled in front of him so easily earlier.

but the dancer seemed to have had enough, and when they both got to into the elevator of chan’s dorm he took matters into his own hands. carefully, he moved his hand to chan’s face, turning it towards him. he didn't need the older to speak because his expression said enough, but felix couldn’t stand it.

the way the leader kept avoiding his eyes like they hadn’t just shared a precious moment, like felix hadn’t accidentally showed his whipped self without hesitation.

oh. maybe it was because of that. maybe chan had found it weird, gross even, that one of his teammates, the one that was supposed too be his best friend, was head over heels for him.

when chan didn’t respond to his pleading look, felix let his hand fall, pretending that the way the older wordlessly walked out of the elevator and into the dorm didn't hurt him.

felix didn't think that what he had said was enough to give away his feelings for the leader, but it was the only explanation for his distant behaviour.

what he didn’t know was that back in his room, the same thoughts haunted the leader. chan hadn’t realised it until today, but he was truly on the edge of falling for felix in a way he’d never fallen for anyone before.

and it terrified him.

｡｡｡

the next day chan avoided felix with every fibre of his being. he knew it was wrong — specially after the younger had stayed behind yesterday, surely tired and out of patience but still doing his best to comfort the leader — but he needed to sort out his feelings.

he couldn’t fall in love with one of his teammate, it would ruin everything he had worked so hard for. the sole fact that he even allowed himself to begin to feel like this disgusted him.

he just needed some time to work around his feelings, maybe distance himself from the younger even if just thinking about it hurt until he found a way to avoid everything that made his heart flutter.

then he just needed to make himself fall out of love.

but it was hard. each time he looked around the studio or the practice room or really anywhere, he caught felix staring at him. and not lovingly, not angry and not confused — he just looked heartbroken.

and the members noticed, too. how the aussie duo hadn’t shared more than a few longing glances during the day, how their sunshine seemed to be in a trance, like someone had stolen his soul, and how the leader barely looked up from the ground.

they knew both of them had stayed in the practice room alone yesterday, and they were worried that maybe a fight had broken out. except no one believed that chan could ever fight with felix.

to the leader, the day went by in a blur, and it was his fault. this time it truly was him who had cause the heavy atmosphere, who had filed felix’s eyes with pain despite promising himself that he wouldn’t ever lose him again.

now he felt further away from him than he ever had before.

when the night fell once again and everyone went to sleep, chan stayed awake in his room, deep into the late hours. he would’ve never thought himself capable of racing this point, would’ve never believed it if someone told him that love could cause this much pain.

and while it could, it definitely could, it wasn’t love that was hurting anyone, it was him. him who always managed to mess up every special relationship, who was so scared of being hurt that he pulled away first and did the damage himself.

he could lie, of course, say that he was doing it for the sake of the group. that his feelings had no room in the world he and the members had built together and would only break their bond.

but deep down, he felt selfish. if he confessed, admitted to his silly crush that he only now saw had been developing from the very beginning, he’d lose felix, maybe even the group.

he was scared of the possibility of the younger looking at him with disgust in his eyes, but somehow seeing him in pain was even less bearable.

he only had three options. confessing, pulling away, or acting normal while his feelings ate him up inside.

the first one was impossible, it would spark every bad outcome chan feared, but the second one had hurt them both badly and i had only been his choice for a day. he couldn’t keep doing it, felix didn’t deserve it.

but he didn’t know how to keep going on as normal either. the thought of falling harder for felix while the other only saw him as a brother made his chest feel tight and his eyes well with tears for the second night in a row.

felix would find someone someday, and chan wouldn’t know how to deal with it — how to be the supportive friend the younger would need — if he still hoped he belonged to him.

for the first time ever, chan wished he hadn’t opened up to felix. if he had only kept himself together the night before, he wouldn’t have cried in felix’s arms, wouldn’t have let himself feel the younger’s warmth and wouldn’t have realised that he loved him.

ignorance is bliss, but chan had never known it until now.

。。。

‘there’s a live scheduled in an hour, be ready’

chan had been staring at the message for the last five minutes. a live wasn’t a problem, it was something that everyone enjoyed every once in a while, but this one would be very different.

‘you and felix will chat with stays about the upcoming album’

in a way, he found it as an opportunity to apologise to the younger, let him know that nothing was wrong between them. he could even just pull out the ‘i was embarrassed after my breakdown’ card and hope that it would work.

that had happened before, after all, but felix had never been quite so upset after it. the memory of the boy looking so drained the day before still haunted chan, and he needed to fix it, however he could.

he didn’t give his outfit much thought, instead spending half an hour and the walk to the company rehearsing how he would approach and interact with the younger. he never had to fake anything in front of felix, the atmosphere between the two always honest and easy, but he’d carelessly ruined that.

when he opened the door to the room in which they would hold the live, he froze. felix was already there, one of their stylists doing his makeup. chan wasn’t sure why, shouldn’t they look natural in a morning live?

but when his eyes really focused on the dancer, he got his answer. even with what looked like a few layers of concealer, his face was visibly tired. his eyes also looked slightly puffy, like he’d been crying, and chan hated that he knew it was his fault.

“hi,” he said, standing awkwardly at the doorstep. the other two clearly hadn’t noticed him until now because they startled out of whatever conversation they’d been having. the stylist whispered something to felix, her eyes soft but encouraging as she gave the boy a gentle pat on the shoulder before she stood up. she walked out, barely sparing chan a glance. what was that about?

stepping into the room, chan greeted felix again, his heart twisting painfully at the poorly concealed sadness in felix’s expression. but the younger still tried to put on a smile.

“hyung, ready for the live?” he asked, his voice deeper than usual and slightly rough.

chan had to keep himself from frowning, but he nodded, opening instagram.

so pretty!

our lixie looks tired :(

chan write to me on instagram, i have something to tell you pls

the comments were nothing out of this world, except those that expressed stay’s concern for felix. it was okay, that’s what they told the public, but okay was the worst word to describe felix right now.

throughout the live, their interactions seemed normal, casual, but both boys felt the tension behind every sentence that left their mouths. there was a particular comment that caught chan’s eye and wouldn’t leave his mind.

chanlix are really like brothers! you can tell felix always looks up to his big bro

right. brothers. the word hurt chan more than he wanted to admit, specially because he knew that that’s probably what he was to felix. if only he could reciprocate that…

for the next hour, chan paid half a mind to the live and really thought about the conversation he needed to have. ‘do i just say sorry? i can’t lie to him but the truth is even worse… just lie, chan, its not like you can mess things up much more’

and then the moment arrived. after a few cute goodbyes and a big hug, the live ended, and felix didn't waste a minute before scurrying to his feet, ready to bold out of the room.

but chan held onto his hand, and didn't the touch burn

“wait” he pleaded, his voice trembling. there goes any attempt at a logical and calm conversation. “lix i-” he paused, trying to keep his emotions in check. “i’m so sorry”

he got that much out before he just started crying. not loud, not evident, just quiet tears rolling down his face, but he was so clearly scared. he was afraid that felix would just walk away on him, leaving him with the apology weighing down on his heart like he honestly deserved.

instead, felix sat down next to him again, looking at the ground while trying not to let the leader’s tears affect him.

“don’t be,” he said, his voice painfully cold. but it was only emotionless because otherwise he’d break. “i know it’s my fault”

his fault? how could felix think it was his fault?

chan looked at him through teary eyes, now holding tight onto his hand. “y-your fault? how is it y… i a-am the problem lix” he said sadly, unable to stand the though of felix blaming himself for something he should’ve controlled.

still, the dancer shook his head. he looked directly at chan for the first time that day, and his cheeks were drowned with tears too.

“you didn't force me to love you, hyung”

to love you. that’s what felix had said wasn’t it? chan couldn’t believe his ears, convinced his mind was playing some stupid trick on him again. “n-no” he sobbed, rubbing roughly at his eyes. the tears were making it hard to see. “d-don’t lie”

but when felix only pulled his hand away and turned his back to him, shoulders shaking with emotions that couldn’t be faked, chan realised that both of them were trapped in the same nightmare.

the nightmare of loving someone you shouldn’t, someone who could never love you back. except both of them had gotten it wrong.

they had thought they’d spend forever together without ever really reaching each other. like the moon and the sun, the world had pushed them together, created them to balance each other out, but they’d been to scared to see it.

“lixie,” chan said, grabbing felix’s arm and desperately trying to make the boy face him. he didn’t budge.

“i love you too”

that did the trick. felix quickly turned around, staring into chan’s eyes like he was trying to take a look into his soul, find any trace of a lie. there wasn’t. only the leader’s true feelings laid bare for him to see.

the realisation made him cry harder. he couldn’t believe that they’d kept everything hidden for so long, trying to avoid breaking their bond when the only thing the lies were doing was weaken it.

“h-hyung” he choked out, fingers grasping chan’s hoodie like he’d disappear if he let go. “i w-was so s-scared… i didn’t know tha-”

he didn’t have time to finish before chan pulled him into a kiss.

the older’s lip met his with a hint of desperation, and the boy melted. his hands found their way to chan’s hair, getting tangled in the soft locks and trying to pull him impossibly closer. they felt like two souls that had been caged for the longest time, an invisible string pulling them together until the restraint snapped.

no words were shared. this time not because they were afraid, but because it wasn’t needed. their actions said enough, their tears expressed feelings nothing else could. and the way they couldn’t seem to get enough of each other now that there wasn’t a barrier separating them was the universe’s way of letting them now they’d chosen the right person.

the sun and the moon, they were meant to be.

@lixiesstorys happy stay day pookie! i hope you like this! you don’t know how hard it was not to give you spoilers or ask for help writing

it felt weird to write friends to lovers and i don’t think i did it right, i kinda wanna do a second version that’s better. i didn’t proofread at all so there must be sm mistakes

thanks to @starlostastronaut for making this event, it was fun! happy bday!

dividers by @/uzmacchiato

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s3cret-secret · 1 month ago

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3racha ♡♡♡

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s3cret-secret · 2 months ago

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Dreamers Dream Until They Don't - Part 4

Trigger warnings: family issues, insecurity, emeto, panic attacks

Hurt one: Hyunjin

Comforter: Chan

Words: 2650

This is a mix out of 2 requests and the 'Dreamers Dream Until They Don't' series. If you didn't read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 I would recommend it to you, because they're always connected with each other :). Now enjoy <3

Hyunjin was insecure about himself. But not because he felt ugly, like many other people did. No, Hyunjin was insecure, because he knew his beauty. He knew that other people loved his visuals. But that was all. He wasn't seen for a deep voice like Felix, for his fast rapping like Changbin and Han, for his insane vocals like Jeongin and Seungmin, for his dancing skills like Minho or for being a good leader like Chan. He just was the visual of the group and that made him really insecure.

And it had been that way since he was born (or at least since he was able to remember). His parents always talked about his looks and how beautiful he was, but never about his character. When he was younger, Hyunjin thought the only thing mattered were visuals. Soon he learned that that wasn't the case and with that, the fear of being nothing than a visual, came into his life. It was his daily companion.

When Hyunjin came to JYPE he finally felt like he wasn't just a handsome boy, but someone who had talents. That however did only last until the group debuted. Even if no one had the intention to make him the main-visual of the group, he automatically became it. And there he was again. Nothing but a visual that was there for photos, but not useful for anything else.

The members always tried to convince him otherwise, because had talents. He wasn't part of danceRACHA for just being a visual. He wasn't part of the whole group for just being a visual. But Hyunjin didn't see it. The fear was to deep, his thoughts were too loud.

Hyunjin also knew that the contact to his parents wasn't the best influence for him. They were too focused on having a beautiful son than actually finding time to care for him. It had always been that way, so Hyunjin was used to it.

But there was one person that always got Hyunjin back to the ground: Chan. Chan was always there when the dancer felt insecure about himself. He was always there when Hyunjin needed a shoulder to cry on. The leader was just always there. No matter what was going on in his own life, Chan was always there for all of the members. In those moments, it was 1000% clear, why he was the leader. It was always clear, but then even more.

And then, the problems had started. Suddenly, Chan's parents turned their back on him, Minho's parents left him and Changbin's parents were haters of their own son.

All those incidents brought Hyunjin's mind back to his own parents, his own childhood that hadn't been a real childhood. The fear of only being a visual had been sleeping in him and now woke up again, stronger than ever.

Resigned Hyunjin put down the brush he was holding and looked at the picture he painted. It showed a stormy ocean. The picture was... okay. Not really good, not really bad. "Hyunjin, you coming? We have the interview in two hours!" Chan yelled from downstairs. "Yeah, I'm coming, wait a second!" Hyunjin yelled back and quickly rinsed the brush.

When the dancer came downstairs, everyone was already in the cars, except Chan, who waited for Huynjin. "Ready?" he nodded and followed the leader in the car.

After they reached the building in wich the interview would take place, all members gathered around Chan to get the last advices. "Okay everyone, it's the same as always: be respectful to the tsaff, they work very hard. But if they hurt you in any way, tell me and we stop the interview. Always think before answering and think about the question, are you allowed to answer that? If anything isn't right, come to me. So the same as always. Any questions?" no one said anything, so they went back to their manager to tell him that they were ready to begin.

Hyunjin followed them slowly. You are acting ridiculous right now! he scolded himself. The dancer got faster until he reached the group again. Shouldn't he be happy to be a visual? But no, he wasn't happy.

Some staff greeted them friendly and led them to a room, where the 8 members sat down.

A few minutes later a woman and a man appeared and the interview started. They were asked some general questions that were mostly answered by Chan. Then they started to ask some more individual questions that every member answered for themselves.

"Now, Hyunjin, you are known for your amazing visuals. How do you feel about it? Is it stressy to always have to look perfect?" "Well actually since I'm not the official visual of the group, no, it's not-" "why aren't you?" "Because we are all beautiful in our own-" "but stays say that you are one of the most beautiful people existing" "well, I'm sure as soon as you are their bias they say-" "and you got casted for so many brands because of your vis-" "okay, that's enough." Chan's voice sounded sharp when it cut through the interviewer's words. He must've noticed that Hyunjin was getting more nervous by every question.

"Hyunjin is not only a visual. He one of the most talented dancers and singers, without him the group wouldn't be where it is now." the other 6 nodded along and Huynjin looked to the ground. Why the hell did Chan always had to protect the members like that? It would only bring the leader in trouble. "But your group wouldn't have come so far without his visuals either." Chan opened his mouth to protest but the dancer quickly rested one of his hands on the leader's shoulder. "It's okay Channie, please don't fight about something like that" Chan seemed like he wanted to argue but eventually closed his mouth and just nodded. Hyunjin smiled at the interviewers and swallowed his tears down. Don't cry here, Hyunjin! That would only end in a disaster

As soon as the interview had ended, Hyunjin stood up and pulled Chan with him. He wasn't exactly angry but if they wouldn't cut Chan's anger out of the video, he would only get more hate than he already did. But as soon as he was worried, the dancer wasn't able to seperate it from anger anymore.

"Why the hell did you start an argument with the interviewers, Chan??" "I didn't exactly start an argument, I just told them that you aren't just a visual." Chan stayed way calmer than Hyunjin, who looked like he was ready to cry. But when the leader stepped towards the younger member, his friend stepped back. "I don't need to be protected, I can handle it my own, okay? I'm a grown man hyung, stop trying to protect me from everything, because you heard them, I am the visual if I want it or not!" an with that he went back to the car.

The ride back home was quiet, the others didn't dare to talk with Hyunjin or Chan, worried that they had a fight and didn't want to talk to anyone. Only Jisung and Minho were chatting quietly with each other. Hyunjin looked around in the car. Felix was playing a game on his phone, Seungmin looked out of the window, Jeongin made sweater paws, Minsung were laughing about something on Minho's phone (probably cat videos), Changbin wrote messages on bubble and Chan had his laptop on his knees, writing some new lyrics down. He sat on the other end of the van, next to Felix wich made it impossible to apologize. Why did he get so fucking angry? Why was everything so difficult?

When they were home, the members walked in different directions. Felix and Minho went in the kitchen to make dinner, Changbin, Jisung and Chan went up in Chan's dorm to work on some songs and Jeongin and Seungmin sat down in the living room to play a board game. Unsure where he should go, Hyunjin just decided to go in his own dorm and continue his painting.

But no matter how much he tried to distract himself, his thoughts always went back to the interview. Yet, not only to the interview. His casting for JYPE, his trainee years, dances, pictures, edits made by STAYs. All of the memories had one connection: his visuals. Am I really only that? Nothing more than a visual?

Hyunjin's hands started to tremble and suddenly, just like in slow motion and without any control about his body, the dancer took his phone out of his pocket and dealed a number. The number he tried to forget for a long time.

Mom: Hello?

Hyunjin: Hey mom

M: Hyunjin?! Oh how lovely to hear from you! How are you?

H: Good, thanks for asking. I don't want to bother you, I just have a question

M: Sure, go ahead

H: What am I to you? Except you son I mean

M: You are the most beautiful and handsome boy in the world of course!

H: And what about my... character?

M: ...

H: Mom?

M: Well, you know, character isn't really important

H: You think so?

M: At least not if you are beautiful! You shine brighter than anyone else, so who cares about your- I mean the character?

H: Oh, okay... I have to uhm go back to the other members now because of... work

M: Do that

Hyunjin hang up the call. His phone fell down to the ground when his vision blurred with swallowed-down tears. He was a visual. He had never been anything else. A beautiful face on pictures not needed for anything else. The dancer had known that and still had believed that someone cared about his other talents, about him.

When the first sob escaped through his lips, Hyunjin didn't even try to hold it back. Soon, his sobbing became uncontrolable. Yeah, he had lost control about all the emotions he had swallowed down for years. In all the interviews and livestreams he had swallowed down the tears and the anger that came up when someone said how handsome he was. What a great visual he was.

Chan walked upstairs again. He had gone down to see if the kitchen was still useable or if it already started to catch fire. He didn't mean to listen when he passed Hyunjin's door but abruptly stopped. The leader didn't even needed to listen closely to hear the shaky sobs out of the dancer's dorm-door. The Aussie hesitated for a moment, maybe Hyunjin wanted to be alone. But who wanted to be alone while crying like that? So he slowly opened the door.

Hyunjin's head shot up when he heard how the door opened. He looked in the direction from where steps came towards him but he couldn't see anything. Tears and panic made it nearly impossible to recognize the person that kneeled down next to the chair he was sitting on, the warm hands that rubbed his back for comfort, the soothing words that were nothing more than mumbling in his ears.

"Sshh Jinnie, it's okay, it's okay. I'm here, everything is going to be okay" was the first thing he was able to understand after several minutes of crying in someone's shoulders. When he looked up, Chan softly smiled at him. "Hey, you understand me?" the dancer nodded. His mind felt like he just fainted. Everything was still blurry and he couldn't find a reason for his outburst. His heart was racing and his stomach churned, probably from his fast and uneven breathing but he decided to ignore it. Normally his stomach calmed down again after a few minutes.

Chan was still kneeling next to his chair looking at him with now worry filled eyes. "care to tell me why you were crying like that?" Hyunjin took a deep breath before he started to tell the Aussie why he had had a panic attack. Every emotion and feeling he had swakllowed down came back up again. The leader's eyes grew wide and the worry was replaced with anger. "Hyunjin, that is not true! You aren't just a visual, you are just as talented as the other members and just as unique and that not only for your visuals"

"But I don't want to be unique for my visuals, no matter what else makes me unique, I don't want to be a visual in any way!" Hyunjin clapped a hand over his mouth, shocked about his yelling. Then, the color started to leave his face and the contents of his stomach slowly made its way up his throat. Shit! He forgot about his stomach. Of course, normally it would calm down after a while but since he became even more agitated, his stomach was out of control now.

His friend looked at him and slowly asked: "Hyunjin-ah, is everything okay?". Unable to speak, Hyunjin just shook his head as a no. "What's wrong? Wait, do you feel sick?" this time the dancer nodded, fear in his eyes. Chan reacted as soon as he got the non-verbal answer. He fetched the bucket that was placed under the table and gently put it in Hyunjin's lap. His friend looked up and shook his head wildly. "Jinnie hey, it's okay! If you need to let it out, let it out. You'll only hurt yourself with holding it in"

Hyunjin hesitated for a moment, unsure what to do. The leader alsways knew what to do but still.

After a few seconds of thinking, the dancer slowly moved his hands from his mouth. For some moments, nothing happened and Hyunjin already wanted to tell Chan that it was wrong alarm, but suddenly hunched forward with a gag. His friend jumped in action and wrapped one arm around his chest, so the dancer wouldn't fall off the chair he was sitting on. The leader started to rub slow circles on Hyunjin's back and tried to comfort him a bit.

Tears started to sting in Hyunjin's eyes again. Why? Just fucking why? His throat started to burn because of the stomach acid that came up and if Chan wouldn't have held him, he was sure that he would have lost balance because of the force with wich his body tried to get everything out.

After some minutes, finally Hyunjin's body gave him some rest. The dancer slumped back in his chair and closed his eyes. His throat and lips hurt and tears were falling down his cheekd. Chan slowly took the bucket out of the younger's lap and placed it on the ground. Then he wrapped his arms around Hyunjin, who froze by the sudden embrace. But then, he wrapped his own trembling arms around the Aussies middle and let out a shaky sob again. "Everything's a bit much right now, hm?" Hyunjin nodded and burried his head deeper in the leader's stomach.

They stayed like this until Hyunjin had calmed down again. "Better?" "Hmh" "Good. But I think we need some rules for you. First: don't write or call your parents, at least when you are alone. Second: you will let us defend you in interviews for example. Third: if you have a problem or feel insecure about anything come to me. Okay?" tha dancer nodded and they sat there in silence until he spoke up. His voice was quiet an raspy of vomiting but still audible and clear: "Hyung? I... I think I want to cut my hair off. Not liek normal short like you or Minho, but like off-off." Chan tilted his head and looked at Hyunjin. "Like... a Buzz-cut?" "Yeah! Maybe... maybe then they won't only see me as a visual..."

The Aussie stopped himself from sighing and smiled instead. "If you want to do that and you think it'll make you feel better, do that." Hyunjin was close to tears again, but this time tears of relief. Tears of finally feeling being seen for something else than visuals. "Thank you!"

END

After years I finally finished this 😭😭. I hope I won't need that long for the next one :,)

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

Text

Dreamers Dream Until They Don't (version 1) - Part 3

Trigger warnings: family issues, body dismorphia (?), low self esteem, hate comments, insulting about weight, littlespace (mentioned), bulimia (?), self punishment, body shaming

Hurt one: Changbin

Little: Chan

Comforter: Chan, Minho

Words: 4290

Part 1 and part 2 :). This series is related to the parts before just like my other series in my masterlist. So I recommend to read them :D. And I may do a escond version of this fic after I finished this series because I have another idea XD.

Feeling lonely wasn't a feeling that Changbin didn't know. He knew all negative feelings way too well. As a child he was a bit chubby at first and then skinny. In school he got bullied for not looking like the others, not being as tall as the other boys.

When he came to JYPE it got even more intense. Not that changbin was forced to do diets or that he was bullied by anyone, no. But the pressure to look perfect was there even if no one talked about it. At the end of debut he was so skinny that he felt insecure about that. So he started to gain muscles.

However, no matter what he did, the hate comments toxic 'STAYs' sent him never stopped. At first it was more like 'eat something', 'sceleton', 'you don't even look Korean!' and then turned in 'fat pig', 'your weight isn't healthy anymore!' and 'bro acts like he has muscles but is actually just fat, lol'. He didn't want to say those comments affected him, but of course they did.

And to his bad, his family didn't give him the support he had needed. He was sure that they didn't mean what they said or at least that they didn't mean to hurt him with it, but they were more like the haters.

That was the reason why he had the contact with them as little as possible. Because Changbin had a family. It was made out of 7 sweet and chaotic people. They always helped him to come back in reality when he stood in front of his mirror and didn't see his beauty. They were there when he started to overwork is body in the attempt to lose 'fat'. No matter what was, they were always there for him. And the rapper was always there for them too.

He noticed how strong their bonding had become, when Chan's and Minho's parents started to turn their backs to his hyungs. Changbin wasn't sure if the group would have stayed together, while facing those problems a few years ago. But now they did.

Changbin smiled and looked at his laptop. He sat in the living room and worked on some songs. It was their day off, so most of the members weren't home except him and Chan. Okay, except him. Chan was in the studios of course.

The rapper looked through the lyrics to correct writing mistakes. After not finding any, he started to scroll through some social media platforms, but what he read there, made his blood feel like it froze in his veins. Maybe he was on the wrong page but toxic STAY went crazy right now. 'Did you see Changbin? He gained weight again', 'Chan's behavior is really weird nowadays' 'They both are so stupid! Look at how they work so much and never suceed, lol'. Changbin closed his laptop forcefully. Just in that moment, a message from his dad arrived. Yes, he staill had contact with his parents, most times to celebrations or sometimes just for saying hi. Changbin felt like ther regretted what they said once.

DAD:

Dad: Hey Changbin! How are you?

Binnie: Hey dad, I'm fine, how about you and mom?

Dad: We're fine too. How is work? Seemed hard the last months

Binnie: Oh, that is good! Work is tough right now, that's true. But how do you know that?

Dad: I know we had some problems, but you're still our son and we want to know what you're doing.

Binnie: Thanks dad! Oh wait, a friend calls me, I think it's urgent. I'll write you back later!

The call wasn't a lie Changbin told to escape the texting. He would've loved to text a bit longer with his dad, since the conversations had gotten friendlier again. But seeing 2 missed calls from Chan on his phone never was a good sign. He quickly dealed the leaders number, hoping nothing bad had happened.

Changbin: Chan? Everything okay?

Bang Chan: B-Binie?

CB: Channie, are you small?

BC: Y-yes. Can chu come? Studwio ish scawy

CB: Of course sweets, hang on, I'll be right there! Shall I stay on phone?

BC: Pwease

CB: Okay pumpkin, I'll stay on phone, don't worry, I'll be there as soon as possible

While he talked to Chan, the rapper had taken his coat and went out of the door.

After 5 minutes, he reached the JYPE building. Panting slightly, he first wanted to take the elevator, but remembered what happened last time, so he chose the stairs instead.

Reaching the door of the studio, he opened it with a shaking hand. When he stepped in the small room, his heart broke. Chan sat in the exact position he sat in the first time Han and Changbin found him. His knees were pulled close to his chest and he sat on the couch in the corner of the studio. The little looked up at Changbin and choked out a sob. "B-Binnie!" he cried out and Changbin hurried to him. "Sshh Channie, I'm here, I'm here. It's okay. What happened?"

Chan's teary eyes met Changbin's worry filled eyes. "Big-Channie w-wead hate commentws and then he felt smol but nuh stop wowking and... and... laptop suddenwy didn't wowk no mowe and..." "Hey sweets, it's okay yeah? I'll look what's wrong with the laptop and then we'll go home" the Aussie nodded and Changbin stood up to take the laptop with him.

After struggling to convince Chan to walk on his own, they made their way back to the dorm. The little held on to Changbin's hand like his life depended on it and the rapper wished that he was able to carry his friend, because it would have been way easier. But Changbin already carried a backpack and a bag with a laptop and he was afraid that, if he would pick Channie up, he would let one thing fall and in the worst case it would be Chan or the bag with the laptop.

They needed nearly half an hour back to their home and Changbin was happy when they arrived. "Come on pumpkin, lets get you in bed" "But whut 'bout laptop, Binnie?" the rapper sighed. "I'll have a look on it. Don't worry it'll be fine." Chan nodded and followed Changbin through the door.

In the inside Changbin put the bags on the floor and helped Chan out of his jacket and shoes, before he carried the little upstairs.

When the Aussie fell asleep, the rapper sat down in the living room again, but this time with the (physically) older one's.

Unlocking the laptop wasn't a problem, but when he was on the front-page, Changbin's heart stopped for a moment. The system was completely cleared, not one of their new songs was saved. Panic rose in him while he looked at empty pages. Shit. Shit shit shit shit!

Of course the work wasn't gone forever, but it would take forever to get it back. With a shaking hand he opened his phone and dealed the manager's number.

Manager: Hello?

Changbin: Hello, here is Changbin. We may have a... little problem...

M: What happened?

C: Well... Chan's laptop accidetally cleared it's system with all our new songs... They aren't gone completely, but we'll need ages to get them back.

M: Why isn't Chan calling me himself?

C: He... uhh... has a... mental breakdown because of that! Yeah, a mental breakdown...

M: Then I hope you'll get them back fast. If not, you all will have problems!

With that, the manager hung up. Changbin sat there in silence for some time. They wouldn't get problems, they had problems. The rapper wasn't panicking anymore, now he was scared. And not only about what would happen. No, he was scared that Chan would get even bigger problems, since it was his computer that deleted their work. Of course it wasn't Chan's fault, but industry was cruel. As soon as their leader was back in his adult-headspace he had to talk to him.

Knowing that the Aussie was still sleeping, Changbin opened the chat with his dad again.

DAD:

Binnie: I correct myself. Nothing works right now.

Dad: Oh, that doesn't sound good. May I ask what happened?

Binnie: Sorry, not allowed to tell.

Dad: That is fine too. Hope you all still do okay!

Binnie: Yeah, everyone is okay :). Now I have to go to Chan. There is something I have to talk about with him.

Dad: Sure, no problem. Just text me whenever you like.

Changbin put his ophone down and sighed again. Now he had to explain that with the laptop to Chan. Gently. Because of what he thought, Chan should be awake again.

When he entered the room the Aussie shared with Minho, he was proved right. Chan sat cross-legged on his bed, staring at the wall of the room.

"Uhm Chan? Can I talk with you?" the leader snapped back in reality and smiled a tired smile. "Sure." "Sooo, about you laptop... I was able to unlock it but... the system is cleared. Completely cleared. And I talked to the manager. He said if we don't get our work back fast, we are in trouble." Chan looked at him in shock before he spoke up. "With we you mean me right?" Changbin had to look down to the ground. Yeah, Chan was right. But they would be able to face it together. Right?

"I know it's hard for you, but you have to get under control when and especially where you slip in littlespace. What shall we do if you slip on stage?" the leader looked at him again, unable to say anything. "I don't want to be angry at you hyung, but we have to get that under control or we all get in trouble!" Changbin didn't mean to get loud, he didn't mean to snap at Chan. But he was scared. His leader already got hated, what would happen if STAY would find out about littlespace?

Sadly he didn't say the last part. "That? You mean my 'condition'? Am I embarrassing for you?" tears welled up in Chan's eyes and Changbin instantly regretted every word that he said today. "No Chan, of course not!" but he realized that it was too late. He had cut right through Chan's heart. "I-I want to be alone right now." "Channie-" "Please Changbin, leave me alone. I have to fix my laptop and then I have to fix my condition!" Changbin opened his mouth to say something but one glance in the Aussie's eyes mad him nod and leave.

Just when the rapper wanted to go in his room, he walked right in Minho. "Changbin? Why the hell were you and Chan-hyung yelling at each other?" Oh great. Just great. Now he had to explain what happened. "There was a little accident?" Changbin just told the dancer about the laptop and what he said to Chan. Again he didn't speak about why he said that.

Of course, Lee Know's eyes widened. "YOU SAID WHAT?! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU TELL CHAN SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!" Changbin made himself smaller as soon as Minho started to yell. He didn't often get that angry. The rapper choked back a sob, stammered a "sorry" and speed-walked to the room he shared with Jeongin. When he was in the room, he slammed the door shut behind him and just let the tears fall down his cheeks. The haters were right. He was mean, fat and ugly! If he wouldn't loose weight and somehow apolegized, he could just leave Stray Kids.

But before he could start with that, he did something he always did when he was angry at himself: reading the hate-comments STAYs wrote about him. Most of them were 'attention seeker' 'pig' and 'fat'. His thoughts slowly drifted from the argument with Chan in another direction. To be honest, Changbin didn't really what he was supposed to do. Yes, he used the hate to hurt himself but he wanted STAY to be happy with him. After thinking a bit longer he breathed out and did something he hadn't done for maybe one year or more.

Dad: Hello?

Changbin: Dad?

D: Changbin, wow that is a suprise, when was the last time you called me??

CB: Long ago I would say

D: Wait were you crying?

And with that sentence, the words just poured out of Changbin's mouth. He was still fully aware of what he was telling his dad, so nothing that wasn't supposed to be out to anyone would get out. After he ended, it was silent for a moment.

D: Well that sounds not very good, especially the part with the hate comments. But, just as a question, have you considered working out more? They should be kind as your fans but maybe they’re kind of right… isn’t it your job to keep a likeable body image? just give it some thought, maybe you'll feel better after it!

CB: Yeah, maybe you're right. Thanks dad!

D: You're welcome, son. Love you!

After his dad hung up, Changbin took a deep breath. Yeah, the idea his dad had should work. He wanted STAY to not feel embarrassed to stan Stray Kids just because of him!

So the next day he started with his new, not-so-healthy plan. He worked out even more cut out some meals and snacks and tried to ignore the members (especially Chan and Minho) as good as it was possible. The only time he really saw them was to practice lessons and recording. Felix asked him why the rapper wasn't with them anymore, but didn't get a real answer. His hyungs made it way easier to him, because both ignored him, just like he did.

But one week after their fight, Chan seemed to think now was a good time to talk to the younger member. "Changbin can I... talk to you?" Changbin however looked up startled and lost his balance. He had been doing a plank and the sudden movement of his head made him dizzy. "What's up hyung?" the leader flinched at the cold tone in Changbin's voice and Changbin himself felt guilty right after. He didn't want to hurt Chan more than he already did., but that apparently didn't work. "I uh... wanted to talk about our argument we had one week ago." "Oh. Maybe we can do it later? I'm working out as you can see." the leader didn't look too comfortable at him.

Changbin was a bit confused. He had never seen the Aussie that shy. But suddenly life came back into Chan. "Oh god damnit Changbin! You worked out the last week non-stop! That isn't healthy! You're drowning yourself in work and I don't know how little sleep you get!" the rapper was offended by Chan's sudden outburst and as always when he was offended or stunned, he started to snap. He didn't know why, but he couldn't control it. "Well whatever hyung, just let me live! You work yourself to death, so why am I not allowed to work more?! If you excuse me, I have to continue my session and you should maybe work on you laptop's issues."

His friend stood there for a moment until he turned around wordless and went back. Changbin instantly regretted how he reacted, but he couldn't just say it like that.

He waited a bit until he went back in his room. The rapper looked at the clock. 11pm. So he could take a quick shower before gioing to bed.

When Changbin stood in the bathroom he looked at himself in themirror. Ugly, definitely. And fat. But when did he gain so much weight? He had worked out so hard, but it didn't seem to work. Swallowing down tears, he just turned on the water.

After the shower he sat down on his bed. Jeongin wasn't there, so Changbin asumed that he went to cuddle with one of the other members.

Sighing the rapper took out his phone again. He wouldn't be able to sleep now anyways. While he scrolled through the hate comments again, he looked at some random profiles of the haters.

Suddenly, Changbin stopped scrolling. One picture of one of the profiles looked somehow familiar. He clicked at the picture to get a clearer view on it. At first he didn't knew what made the picture so familiar, until he recognized the house in the backround. It was the house his parents lived in! But why the hell did a random man stand in front of his parents house? Wait... no that was impossible!

Changbin slowly scrolled down to the posts. They all showed the same places, most of them near or even in his home. And that was the point, where the realization hit Changbin so hard, that he felt like he didn't get enough air in his lungs. This profile definitely belonged to his dad.

The young boy sat on his bed in shock. His father wrote hate comments about him? But why? Was he really that ugly? Changbin slowly started to tremble. He had to confront his dad with that! Maybe it was just...

Sighing the rapper took out his phone again. He wouldn't be able to sleep now anyways. While he scrolled through the hate comments again, he looked at some random profiles of the haters.

The young boy sat on his bed in shock. His own father wrote hate comments about him? But why? Was he reall that ugly?

Changbin slowly started to shiver. Mybe it was just... a coincidence? With trembling hands he opened the chat between his dad and him.

DAD:

Binnie: Dad, I have to show you something.

Binnie: *sends screenshot of the account and the hate comments*

Binnie: That is your account, right?

Dad: Yes, but it's not what it looks like.

Binnie: Oh, and what is it then??

Dad: I just tried to help you!

While texting, a tear escaped his eye, then another one, until Changbin had started to cry waterfalls. But, wasn't his dad right with the comments? The rapper got disturbed in his spiraling thoughts, when the door opened slowly.

"Changbin-hyung, you're still awake?" the voice definitely belonged to Jeongin. Changbin scold himself for crying right now, well knowing that the maknae could come in every moment. "Y-yeah I.N-ah, don't worry." the older one forced a smile, even if his friend wasn't able to see it in the darkness. "But, why do you sound like you cried?" Jeongin questioned.

"I.. uhhh... had a nightmare..." "Oh. You wanna talk about it?" Changbin just shook his head: "Nah, it's okay Innie, don't worry. You should sleep now, it's late." I.N nodded and smiled at his hyung, before he climed in his bed.

Changbin however wasn't able to sleep. He tossed himself around in his bed, until he fell into an unrelaxed slumper.

When he woke up in the morning, the rapper felt completely drained. He rubbed his face and stood up. The others must be in studio, the city orstill asleep, since it was one of the rare days off.

He went downstairs and slowly sat down on a chair in the kitchen. No member was in sight, what wasn't really a problem to him.

Changbin pulled out his phone and he opened it again, but froze. He didn't close the account yesterday and the clear view on the profile brought back everything he had managed to ignore until now. The rapper's bottom lip started to quiver and he closed the account as fast as possible. He didn't want to cry right before practice.

After closing his eyes for a moment, while wondering if he should eat something. But the decision was made by someone else. "Good morning Changbin-hyung!" Seungmin's voice echoed through the complete hous and Changbin flinched at the volume. "Jesus, Seungmin do you have to give me an heart attack??" "Sorry" the vocalist, clearly unbothered about the fact that he scared Changbin nearly to death.

"I'll make food now. How you look you just came out of bed, so I'll make you something to." without asking if the rapper wanted something, the young boy started to make a fruit salad.

Changbin thought about just 'waiting' with eating until Seungmin went out of the kitchen, but the vocalsit had other plans again. "Here, hyung :D" his friend smiled as he put down a bowl of the salad in front of Changbin and one in front of himself. The rapper knew that he wouldn't be able to say that he'd eat later now, unless he wanted to to hurt Seungmin's feeling.

Even tho his mind protested, he forced to eat at least a few bites. But right after Seungmin went out of the house for meeting Hyunjin at the mall, Changbin jumped up. No, this was NOT fine. He ate something and way too much.

Taking a shaky breath and he went in upstairs and slowly opened the bathroom door. Changbin looked in th mirror. Why was he like this? Fat and ugly? The other members were so beatuiful, why couln't he be like that?

When the rapper looked through the small room, his gaze stopped at the toilet. Should he? Maybe it was the only way to get rid of the fat... but Chan would be mad as fuck. Then Changbin rembered his dad's words in the comments and chats: "How ugly can someone be? Changbin: yes" "Have you considered to work out more?" "I'm just trying to help you!" "He is so fat, why is he even allowed to be in such a cool group?" "You really have to be embarressed when you say you stan Changbin!"

Why was it so hard to be beautiful? He just wanted to be someone people could be proud of! His gaze was fixed on the toilet again. If you want to achieve something, you have to make sacrifices, right? Changbin thought while he slowly kneeled down in front of the toilet.

Then everything happened too fast. Changbin only felt how his own fingers rammed into his throat. The rapper gagged but nothing came up. He was shocked by his own action, but he wasn't able to stop. He brought his index and middle finger back in his throat, to trigger another gag. But again nothing happend. Why was that so fucking hard?

Meanwhile Chan and Minho talked in their room. Chan was still hurt by Changbin's actions and refused to slip ever again. Minho tried to tell him that Changbin was just shocked about their manager#s reaction, but the older was too stubborn to listen.

"Come on Chan, he didn't mean it like that. I know it hurts but it won't get better if you refuse to talk to him!" "I already tried to talk to him, but he didn't want to talk with me!" the dancer sighed. He wasn't sure how often he had that conversation already. Just when he wanted to reply, both heard some not-to-identify noices from the bathroom. Chan's leader instinct snapped in action. Was one of the members sick or hurt? "I'm right back, Minho, I'll just look what's wrong over there." and with that the Aussie left the room. But Minho didn't wait. He stood up and followed Chan.

Changbin was still hunched over the toilet, with his finger's in his throat, when Chan came in the room. "Changbin! What happend? Are you sick?" the leader rushed over to his friend and kneeled down beside him, his eyes wide of worry. The rapper pulled his fingers out of his throat and realized what he had gotten into. Chan found him. Shit!

"I...I..." the young boy didn't know what to say. Tying to Chan was nearly impossible, but saying "Oh, I tried to trigger myself until I throw up" didn't seem to be a good option either.

Minho stood in the doorframe, quietly watching the scene. "Let me guess: you tried to trigger yurself until you throw up?" Changbin looked at Minho, shoked that the dancer seemed to read his mind. "How... how did you know?" "I had a friend who had bulimia. He, well... didn't make it" Chan looked at Changbin. Then he pulled the younger member into a tight hug.

That was all Changbin needed to break down. "I'm s-sorry Channie-hyung! I-I didn't mean to... hurt you an-d to do... this, p-please forgive m..me!" "Sshh Binnie, it's okay, I'm not angry at you, I promise. I never was" Chan tried to comfort his friend while Minho looked at them thoughtfully. "Binnie-ah, what made you do that if I may ask?"

"M-my dad..." Chann gasped and Minho looked at him with wide eyes. To tired to explain, Changbin just took out his phone and held it in Minho's direction. The dancer kneeled down too and carefully took the phone out of Changbin's hand. After scrolling through the comments, he lookd back to his friend. "Changbinnie, that is NOT okay! We'll report this instantly!" "What do we have to report?" Chan asked, but Minho ignored him, afraid that their leader would slip, what happened quite often when he recieved bad news.

Changbin however nodded and tried to explain the situation to Chan as gentle as possible. The Aussie made big eyes and looked even more worried, after he pulled his dongsaeng even tighter to his chest. "Never ever listen to those hate comments Binnie. You are beautiful and not fat! Some people are just jealous and try to make others sad! If you feel like you need professional help, we'll help you to find a therapist, but please never do that again, yeah?" the pleading look Chan gave him, made Changbin's heart feel heavy.

How could he ever think his members didn't like him? Tears started to sting in his eyes again and he nodded. Minho who sat on Changbin's other side looked at him again. "How long did that already go?" "O-only to...today" the dancer nodded and quietly joined that hug.

Changbin closed his eyes. He lost his dad again, but he found himself and most important: friends who supported him and loved him, no matter how he looked.

END

How long can you need for writing? Felix: YES!! I'm sorry that it took SO long for me to write it and without @eternal-stay and @startforstay I wouldn't be done with it now! Next part will folllow (hopefully sooner qwq)! And I had to make the ending a bit shorter because I was scared that tumblr would say 'nahh, too many words!' :,). And maybe it turend out a bit too chaotic and is too much, sorry if yes. Now you have to live with it XD!

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

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It just hit me that I have a year and two months left of being in high school. How the time flies.

I feel like I've learned and changed so much and I'm not even done yet. After high school I have college. After college I have...

I guess after college my future is unknown. After all the years I've been asked:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

The truth is that I've only thought out my life to a certain extent. College was always the goal. I don't know how I'm supposed to go from there.

Sure I have a major picked out and five colleges I want to go to. But where do I want to spend the rest of my life living? Do I want to start a family? Do I want to get married?

The goal has always been college. I'm almost there now. But I don't know what's next.

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

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Man is literally telling his own fandom that they are TRAUMATIZING him by not letting him say or do ANYTHING without crashing out.

For fuck’s sake can people leave him alone.

And he brings it back to a silly question about his hair because as always, he feels bad for yelling and is worried about how people will react to being (rightfully) told off.

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

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chan’s bubble 🫧 — 220525

01:06 PM KST

Saying bad things to my company is the same as saying bad things to me

They’re treating me perfectly fine

So stop please

02:03 PM KST

Here, let me try and help with a tip,

In whatever situation maybe think, “Oh maybe it was the member's decision?” That might solve all your worries k?

02:17 PM KST

Anyways been a while since we’ve been to North America!

Can’t wait

Canada is legit fist time…

02:23 PM KST

Oh and sorry one last thing

Only the kids are allowed to tease/make fun of my age

So leave them alone~

Don’t make me mad ^^

02:26 PM KST

STAY’s are allowed too

Hahahahahahahaha

STAYs*

02:33 PM KST

The weather’s really nice but I wanna apologise for letting out my feelings

It’s just that… you know… it’s kinda frustrating…

Like it’s my choice, my decisions, but why can’t STAYs understand my intentions… kinda vibes

02:35 PM KST

Oh I said “fist” ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

Sorry ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ first*

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

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Dreamers Dream Until They Don't - Part 2

Trigger Warnings: being ignored, family issues, littlespace

Hurt One: Minho

(Little: Chan)

Comforter: Han, Seungmin, Chan

Description later, as always. Like in my other series, they will always be connected somehow. So if you didn't read the first part, part 1 is here :)

Minho's relationship with his parents was always a bit complicated. He was completely fine with them and they were good people but he always argued with them about even the little things. When he was younger it was about food, how long he was allowed to be outside or what he was supposed to learn.

The biggest fight he remembered was about his decision to become a Kpop idol. "You don't know what you're doing!" was what his mother said and his dad told him that he "would never reach anything with that!". But he went to JYPE and now he was in one of the most famous groups and in the group with the best members!

When he came to JYPE, the contact with his parents broke down. Sometimes the dancer heard something from them, but those messages were rare. Yet, he had a new family wich believed in all his steps and decisions. Of course, Chan was a bit over protective and the kids were chaotic all the time but they were all he needed.

Still sometimes it hurt to see the others with their parents. Especially Chan's parents were very supportive. Okay until the drama with him being a little. That was a few weeks ago and reminded Minho painfully on how hard it was to feel like the own family didn't care about a member.

The young dancer snapped back in reality. He stood in a dance practice room of JYPE. Minho was panting slightly and he remembered that he had practice some dance moves. Glancing at the clock made him jump. It was 1:43am. Chan would kill him if he found out.

Putting his things back in his bag Lee Know left the practice room. But when he hurried down the hallway, he bumped into someone. "Ouch!" shaking his head he looked up... into Chan's concerned eyes. "Minho? What are you doing here? It's... 1:50am!" his hyung looked at his face, studying his facial features and expressions as if´he wanted to read the dancer's mind. "I.. uh... was... forgot... wait, what are you doing here?" Minho asked back, his words had a tone of force in them and he hoped Chan didn't hear it.

The Aussie had been really sensitive lately and he didn't want to hurt him. The leader however looked stunned at the question, but eventually answered: "I forgot the time. Got stuck with some computer problems..." "You should buy a new computer." Lee Know suggested, wishing that Chan forgot about his own question.

But of course he didn't. "No, it's fine. But why are you still here? You didn't answered." "I forgot the time too. Got lost in my thoughts while dancing..." Chan nodded, obvioulsy believing him. In the end it even was the truth.

"Then both of us should go back. Both of us." the dancer said, again with the force in his voice, but this time clearly audible. His leader nodded hesitantely. "I just have to grab my things out of the studio." and with that he left.

Minho sighed out in relief. Chan tended to ask the members what kind of thoughts they got lost in and he didn't need that. Thinking of his parents was nothing he had to talk about. But lying to Chan was nearly impossible.

When the Aussie cam beack, the dancer smiled at him. "Come on, we both should go home." and with that they went out of the JYPE building.

Even though it was summer, the air was cold and Minho pulled his light jacket closer to his still damp body. Hopefully he wouldn't catch a cold.

They just walked in silence for a bit, until Minho spoke up: "You don't have to answer, but what is littlespace like?". He felt the tension that came over his hyung's body and already felt guilty for even asking. "Why do you want to know?" Chan asked, his voice was shaking nervously. "I just want to know what it's like. To be a little. I know not everyone wants to understand it, but I want to. I want to understand you, so I can help you." Lee Know looked at the Aussie and smiled. The leader nodded.

"Littlespace is somewhere safe in your head. You just let go of your thoughts and worries and you can just be. You don't have to worry about the next comeback and about the schedules. You don't have to think about your responsbilitys." Minho nodded along with what Chan said. "Now, can I ask you a question?" Lee Know looked at him and nodded again. "Sure. What's up?"

"Why were you lost in your thoughts? The last time I checked on you was after dance practice and that was at 6pm! You stayed there, dancing, for nearly 5 hours! That is not healthy." You're behavior isn't better! the dancer thought but one look in Chan's eyes stopped him from saying that. He didn't want to upset or hurt the leader, so he had to tell the truth. "I... I thought about my parents." the Aussie's gaze softened and the worry was replaced by empathy. "Do you... want to talk about it?" Minho shook his head. "No. I didn't have contact with thim for half a year now. I just got lost in my thoughts and they drifted to them." Chan nodded.

When they arrived at the dorm, the leader gently squeezed Lee Know's arm. "I'm always there to talk. You can always come to me." Minho nodded and smiled at Chan grateful.

The next day was pretty packed with schedules and the members had to stand up early. Minho however was already up when all of them (except Chan who already was in the studio -_-) came downstairs. "Wow Minho-ah, you look tired!" Han commented and looked at his friend with worry in his eyes. "Yeah, I forgot the time in the studios yesterday... or today and got home with Chan-hyung... who is already back in the studios."

Minho tried to pull the conversation to a different topic, but without success. "That is not good. But it's also not very healthy that you came home with Chan. At what time did you both arrive here?!" "At 2:20am maybe, relax, okay? It won't happen again. Besides you act like I'm the damn maknae!" "HEY, I HEARD THAT!!" Jeongin yelled out of the kitchen. "GOOD, THAT WAS WHAT I PLANNED!!" the dancer yelled back.

Han just shook his head about his bestfriend and decided to help the others with making breakfast.

After they ate breakfast, the 7 of them went to JYPE together. When they arrived it was 7:39am, so they had a bit time since their dance practice started at 8am. "I'll go check on Chan. I'm afraid that he accidently slipped. He didn't slipp for nearly 2 weeks now!" Felix said and went in the studio of 3RACHA to look if Chan was okay.

Lee Know who talked to Hyunjin about a new choreography nodded at Felix. It wouldn't hurt to check if their leader was okay. At least he would be punctual then. The dancer was still engrossed in the conversation, when his phone beeped. Damn, he forgot to mute it! but when Minho opened it, his heart felt like it stopped for a moment.

MOM

Mom: Hey Minho, it's been a while since we lasted talked. I see you have made great success with your friends. Would you like to meet me and your dad in Seoul in the next weeks? We are there right now and would love to see you.

He started at the message, unable to move or react. Nearly 2 year had passed since his mom wrote to him and all of the sudden she asked him to meet her??

His thoughts were disturbed by the door opening again. Felix stood in the doorframe with a sniffling Chan in his arms. The young dancer koala-carried his hyung to the little couch that stood in the practice room and sat down. Changbin was the first one who came to the couch, followed by Minho.

"What happened?" the second oldest asked worried, while he stroke through Chan's hair. "Channie here, kept himself from slipping over the last 2 weeks and slipped accidently one hour ago. He thought he was all alone." Felix gently looked at the little in his lap who just burried his head in the other Aussie's shoulder and choke out a little sob.

"Oh Channie sweets, we would never leave you alone! Tell big Channie that he isn't supposed to go to the studios all by himself." Minho cooed. He couldn't understand how Chan's parents could think being a little was embarressing.

Lee Know volunteered to stay with Chan while the others practiced. He was still able to yell at them from the couch and he practiced so much in the night that he had a head start compared to the others. The dancer's thoughts were still with the message his mom sent him. Oh he wished he could talk to Chan about that. He didn't want to talk with the youngers about it. Not even Han knew how complicated his relationship with his parents was and that was a statement.

He was disturbed in his thoughts again, when Chan decided that he wanted to talk to Minho. The leader wasn't very talkactive as a little wich was a reason no one ever expected that he would start to talk. But he did, wich startled Minho. "Chu look sad Minmin. Chu'we pawents meanie like Channie's pawents?" Chan looked at him with big eyes and the dancer wanted to cry. Even if Chan was in the headspace of a child, maybe even a toddler, he had seen that Minho wasn't happy.

"Yeah Channie, my parents are meanies too. But you don't have to worry about it, okay?" "But me not liking that chu sad!" Minho's heart melted with those words and he felt how tears started to sting in his eyes. "I... you're too sweet pumkin, do you know that? Don't worry, MinMin will be happy again very soon!" "Otay!"and with that the little hugged him and he held Chan as tight as possible. He didn't want to let go of this sweet person.

Their practice ended after 2 hours and Felix and Changbin agreed to bring Chan back to their dorm and they would look after him.

Minho stayed in the practice room, so he could 'practice'. But as soon as the others left, he opened his phone again.

MOM

Minho: Why do you contact me all of the sudden? It has been 2 years!

Mom: I know and I'm sorry sweetheart

Minho: Don't call me that. You had so many chances to message me but you never did. Not even a 'hey, how are you?'.

Mom: I know.

Minho: So, you see. And why do you think I should come? I'm an idol, I have a busy schedule.

Mom: To see that your dad and I are sorry. We want to show you that we are sorry! We are in Seoul for 2 more weeks, so if you want to come, just let us know.

Minho: I will think about it. Now if you excuse me, I have a meeting.

The last part was a lie, but honestly Lee Know didn't care about it. He had to swallow back tears. Why did he feel like he would cry? There was no reason! He didn't even like his parents anymore. But his heart seemed to think differently.

This time he came home around 11:10pm. When he opened the door, he was suprised that there was still light in the hallway and the living room.

Coming closer, Minho saw that Seungmin and Chan sat on the couch together. It seemed like Chan was still in his headspace, since Seungmin read a story to him. The dancers heart melted again. With what did they deserve such an angel? His thoughts about his parents seemed so far away all of the sudden.

"Hey, why are you both still-" "MINMIN!!" Minho's words were swallowed by Chan's scream and he only was able to lean against the doorfram when Chan threw his arms around the dancer. "Missed chu!" "He wanted to stay awake *yawn* until you come home *yawn*" Lee Know laughed. "Okay, now I'm here! Why did you wait for me, little kangaroo?" "Bwecause Channie wanted to know id not sad anymowe!" Minho laughed awkwardly when the vocalist looked at him confused. "And why was Minho-hyung sad, Channie?" the dancer stared at Seungmin with a death glare "Bwecause MinMin's pawents awe meanies twoo!" "Ah hahaha, *whispering to Seungmin* that was not fair to use Channie!" Seungmin nodded. "I know. We talk later hyung. Come on Pumkin, we'll bring you to bed." but the little had other plans: "Noooo, me don't wanna!" "Come on... sweetheart, I'll read something to you."

Minho picked the little up and Seungmin shot him the we-talk-later-look.

After bringing Chan to bed, Minho came back downstairs. "Why the hell did you use Channie to get informations about me?! That was not fair, he is not someone who si supposed to give you informations! You could have just asked me!" "I know that it wasn't fair! But what should I have done in your opinion?! You wouldn't have told me and you know that!" the dancer looked to the ground.

Suddenly he didn't seem to be older than Seungmin anymore. "I know I wouldn't have told you and I'm sorry. It was nothing, really. He was just sad because of his parents and I told him about mine and that mad me sad. But please don't use Chan again for getting informations! You should go to bed now, it's late." and with that Minho went upstairs and left Seungmin alone.

Laying down in his bed, Minho suddenly didn't feel tired anymore. Yes, Chan had made his thoughts about his parents go away for a short time, but the argument with Seungmin brought them back up. He groaned and moved around in his bed, until he fall in a restless sleep...

He woke up in the morning thanks to his alarm. The dancer sat up, still not completely back in the reality. Now Minho definitely knew how Chan felt every night. After he fall asleep, his mind jumoed from one nightmare into the next.

Going down in the kitchen, he already heard that Chan was definitely not in littlespace anymore. Maybe he could talk to him now? No, he didn't want to stress the Aussie more than already sounded. But who could he talk else to? Changbin would be an option but he hated to talk to his dongsaengs about his problems. The only optons were Han or Seungmin... he would just wait and look how it would turn out! That sounded good!

The other members were already there, except Hyunjin and, suprise, Lee Know. "Good morning" the dancer grumbled and sat down next to Han, who gave him a cup of coffee.

They just waited until Hyunjin came downstairs too. Chan had already went out to the 3RACHA studio with Han and Changbin.

Minho waited, till the last member left the dorm. He excused himself with "I'll work on a choreography in the dorm just as well as in the studios."

As soon as he was alone, he took out his phone.

MOM

Minho: I have a day off tomorrow. That is the only day I have time.

Mom: Sure, we have time too. Where?

Minho: I don't care, as long as it's not near my place.

Mom: I don't know where your place is, Minho.

Minho: Fine. Than at the big park. You know wich one?

Mom: Yeah, I guess so.

Minho: Good. See you both tomorrow around 1pm.

Putting the phone away the dancer wondered if he would regret his decision. But maybe his parents were really sorry? He would see tomorrow.

Tomorrow came faster than Minho wished and he only felt his legs walking to the park. He had made an excuse up like: "I'll meet some old aquaintances."

He sat down on a bench and checked the time. 12:54am, okay he was in time. Minho took out his phone and wrote a quick message to his mom. Then he waited again.

At 1:15pm the dancer stood up. They wouldn't come if they didn't come until now. But just when he wanted to leave, he heard a familiar voice calling his name. Turning around he saw a woman and a man, walking towards him. "Hey Minho, here we are! The traffic here is horrible!" the man said and (forcefully) smiled at Minho.

"I thought you wouldn't come anymore." Lee Know said dryly and looked at his parents. "I'm sorry Minho. Now how is your life currently?" his mom awkwardly tried to change the subject. Minho sighed: "fine so far. My group and I had to face a few... problems, but nothing worth to talk about." "Oh, that is... not so good. The problems I mean." his father said, but didn't look really convinced. "Now, how are your friends? We never had the pleasure to meet them." Of course you didn't, you ignored me for 2 years! the dancer thought, but shook those thoughts away again. He had to give them a chance.

"They're fine. We are 8 people, so it's pretty chaotic and our leader had some... trouble with his family and my best friend struggles with a bit social anxiety but we managed." Minho tried to choose his words carefully. He didn't want to tell his parents more than they had published.

But of course they weren't happy with the answers. "Social anxiety? What was that again?" his mother looked at him confused. "It means that he is afraid of the contact with new people. He can get panic attacks from it and it makes him insecure. He feels like everyone sees him and his mistakes." "Ahhh. But is it smart to be in a job like yours then?" "Yes, because it helps him to be with us." Minho answered though gritten teeths. "Ah, I see and your leader what about him?" his dad asked and looked... empathetic? Maybe they weren't that bad and just didn't understand his job and friend's problems? With those thoughts the dancer decided to explain a bit more. What should happen anyways? If they told someone no one would believe them.

"He had some problems with his family about a special... 'condition'. They felt embarressed about him being the way he is and left him all alone." "Oh, that sounds bad! What is his 'condition if I may ask?" his mom looked at him interested.

Without thinking, Minho just answered: "he is an age regressor, wich means he has a headspace, somthing safe in his mind where he can just be himself without worries.".

Right after he saw his parents' lookes, he hated himself for saying that. "That really sounds... confusing?" his dad said with a careful tone in his voice.

"But sweetie, just a concerned question from your mom: is it good for you to be with people like them then? I mean they need much attention then... they surely keep you back from growing." "Yeah, and wasn't your leaders problems something like a kink? I read something about that..."

Minho looked at them in shock. Then anger formed inside of him. "No one is allowed to talk like that about Chan and Jisung, NO ONE! I'm able to ignore that you ignored me for 2 years, but you won't insult my friends EVER again! They were there when you weren't and they are more worth of respect than you'll ever be! And just for saying: they don't keep me from growing. Only thanks to them I am were I'm now and that is way bigger than you ever thought. Because one thing I know for sure: you both never believed in me. But my friends do! Now, I have some more important things to do than talking with strangers! I'll take Soonie, Doongie and Dori to me as fast as possible."

And with that he turned around again and speed-walked back to the entrance of the park. While walking, he pulled out his phone and dealed Han's number.

Han: Hello?

Minho: Han? A-are you near the park right now?

Han: With Seungmin, yeah. Why?

Minho: Can y-you both come please?

Han: Of course! Did something happen??

Minho: I'll tell you when you're here.

Han: Okay, we'll be there in 5!

Minho sat down on the bench again. Tears started to roll down his cheeks. He didn't only trust his parents again and already knew that they wouldn't keep his trust safe. No. He also told things about Han and Channie that no one else was supposed to know.

Han kept his promise. He saw Minho from afar on a bench. Together with Seungmin he ran towards theri hyung.

"Minho-ah what happened?" the rapper asked. Seungmin sat down next to Lee Know and opened his arms for a hug. Minho nearly threw himself in the waiting arms and told them both what happened. The whole story from the text message to right now.

"I-I am so so sorry Han-annie-ah! I n-never should've told... them!" "Sshh Minho, it's not your fault! Mistakes get made and that is completely okay. Chan won't be mad at you either." "Yeah, he won't!" Seungmin said, definitely convinced. "But-" "No buts Minho! That happens!" with that Han hugged his friends too.

"But Channie is right in one thing: Parents are meanies!" Minho had to smile when he thought about the way Chan had said that to him. Yeah, parents were meanies, but friends were family too. And that kind of family was better than meanie-family!

END

Oh damn, maybe I over did it just a liiiiiittle bit XD. But it was fun to write! And thanks @eternal-stay for the idea with Minho's parents insulting Chan and Jisung: Without you I would still wonder how to write it!! I'll start with the next part now and already have an idea!!!

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

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WE JUST REACHED 250 LIKES OMG ♥︎

(WITH ONLY 3 FICS ITS KINDA SURPRISING! TYSMM)

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s3cret-secret · 3 months ago

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WHEN THE SUN DIED

And if the end is near and her rage consumes as all, my dear, let us be together...

because someday mercury will burn in the fire, and venus will disappear into nothingness, and the earth will melt until no trace of life remains. when the sun dies, she will grow so far that nothing but her blinding brightness will exist. the blaze will consume all that meets its path, and no one but the lucky ignorants will forget the day the brightest star shut down. when the end begins, everyone will know, for she’s been burning forever, dying under the hellish flames she couldn’t escape. all who have ever felt her warmth will feel the fury of her last breath, and she won’t be forgotten.

and so the souls thought that they’d be warned, because they trusted the foolish words of those who believed to know the sun. so the day her light began to fade in lieu of becoming a haunting glow, no one noticed. so drowned had they been in the merciless fire that was claimed to come, that when she slowly lost her magic, no one thought to help. and so the sun grew small and cold, cornered by threats she couldn’t run from. because she wasn’t selfish, and her death seemed a reality so heavy, she kept quiet. but when she raised her voice, for the burden of life leaving her was too much to carry, it was much too late. and so, the planets and stars that had for so long been oblivious watched the one they’d formed around disappear, until one day, she was gone. but it wasn’t an explosion, it wasn’t a scene, it was a desperate goodbye that should’ve never come. the day she left, no one was taken with her, no.

when the sun died, mercury froze.

because the warmth he needed so much, he didn’t miss until he lost. and so the nights grew longer and the days turned cold, until mercury realised he couldn’t be happy on his own. but who could he blame when it was his fault? the sun had been his, but he wasn’t the sun’s. their love had been a lie but the prettiest illusion. the universe had thought them lovers, but their halos, though longing, never got to touch.

she’d faded before his eyes into nothing but darkness, and now that her place was a void, he’d be no longer guided. by the time she became a memory, mercury had lost his mind, but little did he know that further away, the planets too were turning to dust.

because when the sun died, the moon stopped shining at night.

and the earth, that couldn’t bear the darkness, didn’t know but to cry. both strayed away from each other until the cosmos broke them apart, and the moon, drowned by the loneliness, tried to orbit another star. with a broken bond and shattered trust, the moon and the earth separated their paths. and though remnants of their love haunted their hearts, no gravity would ever make them come back.

13•05 ○ it’s been the first year since the sun died, and now my universe bathes in the ashes of what used to be alive.

and i didn’t notice that she was our star, until the day she disappeared the sky fell on us

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s3cret-secret · 4 months ago

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It's a never ending story, Seungmin - Anxiety series part 7

trigger warnings: nearly Stray Kids ending, panic attack, angst (?)

scared/hurt one: Seungmin

comforter: Minho, (Bang Chan)

Note: I thinks this one will be really short, because I don't have ideas, but I'll try to make it sweeter and fluffier than cotton candy >:3

Seungmin doesn't want that Stray Kids will ever end. But he knows that this day will come sooner or later...

The whole dorm was messy, chaotic and most important: funny. Seungmin loved the other members. They were his family and he know he was their family too. But this day seemed not as funny as normal days. Sure they had many schedules, because they had more and more STAYs. But still, especially Chan-hyung seemed kinda off. Seungmin shook those thoughts off. Their leader probaly just didn't get enough sleep. He opened his phone, just to see that a message came from the group chat.

SKZ Group Chat ❤❤❤

Old man: Emergency meeting at JYPE. 12am. Please be on time it's urgent.

Sunshine: Why?

We know: Yeah, why?

Old man: Can't tell you now. Just be there please.

Seungmin raised one eyebrow. He knew something seemed of.

After Seungmin practiced with Minho together, both went into the meeting room. Felix and Chan were already there, talking English with each other so fast and with such an Australian accent that Seungmin and Minho gave up traing to understand what they said. But from the stressed look Chan had it didn't seem to be good.

The others came bit by bit and at 11:50am all members were there. Normally one of them would come late, but Chan's message made clear that he wouldn't accept that today. As soon as Minho stood up to close the door, Chan started talking: "As you all read, it's an emergency meeting today. And this time it's a real emergency. Everyone in JYPE noticed that we... well... had our... problems (?) this year. So to come straight to the point: JYP mailed me around 6am that, if we don't get our problems under control, he will..." Chan paused and it looked like he was close to tearing up. JYP won't give the leader position away right? Chan is our leader! Seungmin thought. His said leader took a deep breath to pull himself together and started speaking again. "That if we don't get our problems under control, he will disban us.". Silence. That was all that followed their eldest words. Nothing but silence. Minho looked at Chan in shock. Changbin tried to keep is shock in his body, Han swallowed hard. Hyunjin and I.N exchanged looks. Only Felix looked like he knew what Chan would say. And Seungmin? Seungmin just froze in his chair. That wasn't possible! JYPE wouldn't ban Stray Kids! That wasn't possible. No! No! "NO!" Seungmin was as suprised as the others as he rised his voice. "No. No, he can't! He can't disban us! We will get those problems under control, right? We always did it. Right, Chan?" he looked at his leader with hopeful eyes, but Chan looked away. "I... we'll try, of course Seungmin but... I'm not sure if I can pull it up this time" Seungmin looked at his leader in shock. His leader was letting them down? Or was he just tired? Suddenly anger rised in him. "I hope you pull this around Chris!" and with that he stomped out of the room. Chan slumped back into his chair, Felix and Minho hurried to his side. "I want everyone to leave, expect Binnie, Lix and Minho" the others did what he said and left the room, still in shock. As soon as the door closed, their leader broke his walls down. "I'm really not sure if I can pull it around this time" he said, while his shoulders started to shake. "I-I don't want to let you down, but I don't know how to save this... us. I just can't! I can't, I can't, Ican'tIcan'tIcan'tI-" "Channie hey, look at me yeah? Take a deep breath and focus on my voice okay?" Felix tried to comfort their leader who slipped between Korean and English, which confused Minho and Changbin. When their leader eventually calmed down again, he banged his head on the table. "Ugh, Seungmin is dead-angry with me! I promised y'all that I would never ever let you down and now this..." "Hey hyung, you talk like we're already disband, but we can pull this around! We, not you alone, WE" Minho said. "Yeah, we can do it!" Changbin joined in. "We just have to work hard and then it fits!" everyone laughed a bit at Felix' chosen words. "I'll talk with our puppy now and when he calmed down, you should talk to him, Channie-hyung" And with those words Minho left to find Seungmin.

Seungmin sat on his bed, his knees pulled as close to his chest as possible. He didn't cry anymore. He had cried. But now he just felt empty. Would that already be the end? The end of his family? The end of his friends? The end of his world? His head shot up when he heard a knocking. "Come in" he said, his voice still sore from crying. He expected Jeongin or someone like that but it was Minho. "How are you feeling, cherry-boy?" he asked with a suprisingly soft voice. Seungmin shrugged. How should he feel, was the question he asked himself. Being honest with himself he didn't know. "I... I just don't want that this... us will end now. Or ever" Minho gently opened his arms and the younger member melted into the embrace. "Me neither puppy, me neither. And it won't, I promise" Seungmin sniffeld. "But how can you promise it, when even Chan couldn't promise he can pull this around?" Minho smiled warmly at him, something he didn't see often. "You're right Seungie, he said he can't promise that he can do it. But how should he do it alone? We can, together. Chan-hyung, Changbin and Felix and maybe the other mambers, I don't know, already work on ways to get us up again" "But what if that doesn't work? What if-" "Hush now dandy-boy! There is no 'what if'! We can do it! I promise you that!".

10 months later Seungmin and the others went backstage. They were exhausted but proud. The concert was perfect and STAYs had been wonderful. The second youngest went to his leader. "Channie-hyung?" Chan looked at Seungmin. "Hey Seungmin-ah, you did great today!" "Thank you, you too, but I wanted to say thank you to you" the eldest blinked a bit confused, when Seungmin oulled him into a hug. Completely stunned, Chris returned the hug. "Wha-" "Thank you Channie! Thank you for nat giving us up and letting us down. Thank you for continuing. Thank you, that you made Stray Kids stay! Thank you!"

END

Well, it's not as short as I thought it would turn out! And I hope it's fluffyyyyy XD. I'll try to finish with the last part today, so pleaseeeee send new ideas 😭😭😭😭! STAY safe my pookies :3

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s3cret-secret · 5 months ago

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aww ♥︎

this is so cute!

tags (np)⇒ @zz-skzz @y3joon-png @feelslikestardust

taking the cat picrew tag from @squintclover because I wanna play!!!

np tagging: @lynxindisguise, @faggylittleleatherboy, @kaleidoscopexsighs, @polaroidcats, @lifeisabitch-butimcute, @chericheribaby, @emlovessid, @fruityindividual and anyone else who wants to be a feline!!

#cat picrew #tag game

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s3cret-secret · 5 months ago

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so that wasn’t nearly as psycho as i thought it’d be?? i really thought you’d make them kill each other or sth wth 😭

def 10/10

A Dance of Daggers

HERE IT FINALLY IS THE FINAL CHAPTER OF ADOD !!!!!!

I hope you will like it caus ei really enjoyed writing this fic. The next one is already in the oven but i won't spoil you anything yet :PPPP

Anyway enjoy and gimme your opinions in the comments !!!! kiss kiss

Chapter V : A Crown of Daggers

The great hall, once adorned with the echoes of laughter and opulence, now lay steeped in silence. The blood of the House of Han had been spilled, and in its wake, a new ruler had risen. Jisung stood before the throne, the scent of iron still thick in the air, his silk robes stained with the remnants of the past. He should have felt victorious. Instead, he felt nothing at all.

The court, now fractured, was not so easily swayed. Whispers curled like smoke through the corridors, doubts nesting in the minds of those who had not fled in the wake of his father’s demise. A boy barely past twenty had orchestrated this, had torn down the great House of Han with hands far too soft for war. They questioned his strength, his resolve, his right to rule. But Jisung knew the art of masks better than anyone.

He played the part of the reluctant heir beautifully - lowering his gaze when spoken to, sighing with the weight of responsibility, feigning hesitation where there was none. They underestimated him. And that was precisely what he wanted. But Jisung did not do this for power alone. He had not orchestrated this coup merely to sit on a throne draped in bloodstained silk. His father had been a tyrant, a man whose rule had crushed the poor beneath his greed, whose laws had turned justice into a commodity for the highest bidder. Jisung had seen the suffering firsthand, the quiet desperation in the eyes of those who bowed before him, not out of respect, but out of fear. And if fear was all they had known, then Jisung would give them something else.

He was not a savior. He did not believe in kindness without purpose. He did not think himself noble. But he believed in something greater than his own ambition - order, stability, the end of a reign built on cruelty.

Behind closed doors, however, the silk unraveled to reveal steel. Plans unfolded like petals, sharp as the knives he kept hidden beneath his sleeves. Those who had once whispered of his father’s power now found themselves speaking his name with an edge of wariness. They called him ruthless, manipulative, dangerous. And perhaps he was. But in a world where the strong devoured the weak, where mercy was seen as a flaw, Jisung knew what had to be done. He had inherited more than just the title - he had inherited the game itself. And Jisung had every intention of winning. Not for himself, but for the world he was determined to shape, no matter how many knives it took to carve it into existence.

Minho remained by his side, the assassin without a master, the blade with no sheath. He told himself it was because he had nowhere else to go, that his presence here was merely survival. But deep down, he knew better. It was not duty that bound him to Jisung. It was something far more dangerous.

They had killed together, bled together, and in the quiet of the palace, they shared something unspoken. Something that neither of them dared name.

One evening, Jisung found Minho standing by the balcony overlooking the courtyard, his hands clasped behind his back, his presence as solid as ever. The wind tugged at the loose strands of his hair, carrying the scent of rain and lotus blossoms. Jisung approached slowly, his bare feet soundless against the polished wood.

“Do you regret it?” Jisung asked, his voice quiet, but sharp enough to cut through the night. “Choosing me?”

Minho didn’t turn, his gaze still fixed on the distant lanterns flickering in the courtyard below. He was silent for a long time, long enough for doubt to creep into Jisung’s chest, something foreign and unwelcome.

Finally, Minho spoke, his voice lower, rougher than before. “I don’t know.”

Jisung studied him, his lips curling into something between amusement and challenge. He reached out, cupping Minho’s face, his thumb ghosting over the faint scar on his cheek. “You could leave,” he murmured, tilting his head. “Or you could kill me.”

Minho’s eyes darkened. “Could I?”

Jisung smirked. “You tell me, hyung.”

Before Minho could answer, Jisung closed the space between them, pressing his lips against his. It wasn’t soft. It wasn’t gentle. It was a clash of teeth and hunger, a battle in its own right. Minho growled against Jisung’s mouth, his hands gripping the fabric of his robes, pulling him in, pulling him down.

Jisung’s fingers curled around the back of Minho’s neck, nails digging in just enough to sting. “You act like you have a choice,” he whispered against his lips, breathless, teasing.

Minho’s grip tightened. “I don’t.”

And then he kissed him again, rougher, deeper, as if trying to erase the uncertainty that had settled between them. Jisung welcomed it, let himself be pulled under, let Minho claim him the way he had claimed his throne - with force, with fire, with inevitability.

Minho shoved him back against the cold wooden wall, the force of it making Jisung gasp - though the smirk on his lips remained, taunting, daring. Minho’s hands moved with calculated roughness, bunching up the silk of Jisung’s robes, pulling him closer, pressing him into the wall as if he could pin down the very essence of him, control him just this once. But Jisung was never one to yield easily.

“You're so desperate,” Jisung breathed against Minho’s lips, his voice teasing, his fingers sliding beneath the folds of Minho’s tunic, pressing against the warm, battle-worn skin beneath. “For control? Or for me?”

Minho bit down on Jisung’s lower lip in response, just hard enough to make him suck in a sharp breath. “You talk too much.”

“Yet you always listen,” Jisung purred, rolling his hips against Minho’s in a deliberate, slow motion that sent fire racing down Minho’s spine. He hated how easily Jisung unraveled him. Hated how much he wanted more.

Minho growled, gripping Jisung’s wrists and slamming them against the wall above his head, keeping him still. “You act like you hold all the power, but look at you now,” he muttered, voice rough, teasing. “Trapped.”

Jisung’s lips curled into something wicked, his eyes glinting under the dim lantern light. “Am I?” His tone was smug, inviting, knowing damn well that Minho would never truly have the upper hand with him.

Minho let out a sharp breath, then leaned in, his lips brushing over Jisung’s throat before biting down, hard enough to leave a mark. Jisung gasped, his body tensing for just a moment before melting into it, his breath hitching. His fingers curled against Minho’s grip, not to break free - but to pull him in.

For all the roughness, there was something softer beneath it, something neither of them dared put into words. Minho's hands loosened slightly, enough for Jisung to wrap his arms around him, pulling them closer, as if this was where they had always meant to end up. Minho kissed him again, slower this time, but no less intense - an acknowledgment, a surrender, a claim. Jisung let out a quiet hum of satisfaction, one hand threading through Minho’s hair, holding him there as if he feared letting go. Maybe he did.

Jisung smirked against Minho’s lips, tilting his head. "See? You’re just as caught in this as I am."

Minho exhaled a laugh, dark and breathless. "Shut up." He silenced Jisung the only way he knew how.

Even as the fire between them burned with unchecked ferocity, there was something deeper beneath it - something neither of them wanted to name. Minho’s hands roamed Jisung’s body, rough and possessive, leaving bruises against the silk of his robes. He wanted to make him feel it. Wanted Jisung to wake up tomorrow and still carry the evidence of this moment on his skin. Jisung, for all his arrogance, let him - let himself be handled like something claimed, but never tamed.

Jisung gasped when Minho’s teeth found his collarbone, a shudder running through him as his fingers tangled into Minho’s hair, pulling hard enough to make him hiss. "So violent," Jisung taunted, his voice breathless, teasing. "For someone who claims not to care."

Minho growled in response, pressing Jisung even harder against the wooden wall, his breath hot against his throat. "You love it."

"I do," Jisung admitted easily, his smirk widening as his nails raked down Minho’s back. "But do you?" His hips rolled forward, the deliberate movement stealing Minho’s breath for just a moment. "Or are you still pretending?"

Minho didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. The way he kissed Jisung - deep, bruising, filled with something raw and unspoken - was answer enough. Jisung moaned into it, his hands sliding beneath Minho’s tunic, mapping the hard lines of muscle, reveling in the way Minho trembled under his touch.

“Still don’t know if you regret it, hyung?” Jisung murmured against his lips, his fingers dipping lower, teasing.

Minho exhaled a laugh, dark and breathless. "Just let me kiss you, devil." It didn’t seem like an answer. But Jisung - he only - knew what it meant. He chuckled, but it was swallowed as Minho took his mouth again, rougher, more desperate. There was no need for words now. Only this - only them, tangled in heat and tension, in something neither of them could escape from.

The game was over. But the dance? That would never end.

#fanfic #han jisung #lee know #minsung #skz #ao3 #a dance of daggers #mlm #minsung fan fiction #minsung fic #han jisung x lee minho #assassin x heir #historical romance au #kinda??#y3joon-png

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s3cret-secret · 5 months ago

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I hate how the only way to read a fic with the exact specific tropes and dialogues that you want is to write it.

Like I wish what I want just existed already.

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s3cret-secret · 5 months ago

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jisung is lowkey crazy it scares me 😭

A Dance of Daggers

Well guess i worked like crazy-

Here is the 4th chapter of ADOD, the last chapter will probably be posted tomorrow. Meanwhile, enjooooy

Chapter IV : Blood on the Lotus Throne

The palace was alive with laughter, the sound of wine cups clinking against porcelain filling the grand hall. Golden lanterns cast a warm glow over silk-draped tables, their shimmering light creating an atmosphere of opulence and excess. The air was thick with the scent of roasted duck, spiced broth, and the aged liquor that had long since dulled the sharp edge of reason. Servants moved gracefully between the lords and generals, refilling goblets, setting down trays of delicacies, their quiet steps barely heard amidst the low murmurs of the gathering. Whispers, like threads woven into the very fabric of the evening, drifted through the air, carrying secrets, alliances, and betrayals meant to remain hidden.

Jisung sat near the head of the table, his expression composed, his hands folded neatly in his lap. His gaze remained steady, though his mind buzzed with the weight of what was about to unfold. His father, the head of the House of Han, sat only a few feet away, oblivious to the storm brewing beneath the surface. He spoke to a group of officials with the ease of a man who believed himself untouchable, his voice carrying over the low hum of the hall as if the very sound of it held dominion over all in the room. It should have been simple. One sip. One swallow. And the man who had ruled with an iron fist would be reduced to nothing, erased from history as easily as a stroke of ink wiped from parchment.

Minho stood behind Jisung, a silent sentinel, his presence solid, unmoving. His fingers twitched against the hilt of his sword, the cool steel a constant reminder of the danger that surrounded them. His sharp eyes scanned the faces in the hall - some laughing, others deep in quiet conversation, and some watching, waiting, the tension in the room palpable, thick as the scent of the wine that filled the air. Every man, every woman, was a potential threat, a future ally, or an enemy who could turn at any moment. The quiet before the storm was a dangerous thing.

Then, the moment arrived.

A servant approached with the kind of grace that belied the gravity of the task at hand. He poured dark, fragrant wine into the head of the House of Han’s goblet. The wine seemed to glisten in the candlelight, the deep red liquid shimmering like blood in a glass. Jisung watched intently, his breath slow, controlled, his heart thumping in his chest like a war drum. It was done. His father reached for the cup, his fingers curling around the delicate stem with a practiced ease, raising it to his lips. And then –

"The heir is a traitor!" The words rang out like a blade unsheathed, slicing through the golden glow of the hall with a cold, harsh finality. Silence fell. The din of laughter died in an instant, leaving only the echo of those fateful words lingering in the air like poison. A single goblet slipped from a noble’s hand, the delicate porcelain shattering against the polished floor, the sound like a bell tolling for the death of all that had been carefully constructed. Jisung’s father didn’t drink. Instead, he turned – slowly, deliberately.

Jisung felt it before he saw it – the shift in the air, the weight of gazes turning on him like arrows drawn from a quiver, aimed straight at his heart. Something had gone horribly wrong. Across the room, a general rose from his seat, his hand resting lightly on the pommel of his sword, his posture calm but resolute. His voice was steady, clear, cutting through the silence with the precision of a blade.

"Your son plots to kill you, my lord." The general’s words hit like a thunderclap, reverberating off the walls of the grand hall. This general had once been one of Jisung’s allies, a man he had convinced to join the rebellion. And now, he was betraying him. Minho’s hand was on his sword before the first guard moved, the metallic rasp of steel from its sheath a sound too familiar in moments of danger.

The coup had begun.

Jisung’s breath stilled, his mind racing, each thought crashing into the next with frantic speed. This wasn’t right. It couldn’t be. He had accounted for everything – every whisper, every weak link, every shadow cast upon his father’s throne. And yet, his plan, the plan that had taken years to weave, was unraveling before his very eyes. His perfect plan.

A hand caught his waist, strong and unyielding. Before Jisung could react, he was yanked back, his breath knocked from his lungs as he collided with Minho’s chest. “Jisung, are you okay?”

The words were whispered with urgency, but Jisung’s mind was elsewhere, still stuck in the impossible. His fingers reached instinctively to his cheekbone, where a sharp cut had opened. The sting barely registered amidst the chaos that was beginning to unfold. Minho was still holding him tightly as they moved through the maelstrom of bodies and shouts, running, desperately evading the guards who were closing in.

“Are you bleeding?” Jisung barely nodded, his breath coming in shallow, uneven gasps. This was the first time in his life something didn’t go as planned. The world felt upside down, and he was completely lost in it. Minho tightened his grip, his steps firm, even as chaos erupted all around them. There was no time to think. His decision had already been made: Keep Jisung alive. Silence the old man. Kill every bastard in this room who wasn’t already loyal to the heir. No loose ends. No mercy.

Minho didn’t hesitate. His sword was out in an instant, cutting down the first guard who lunged for Jisung, and then another. The hall erupted into chaos, the air thick with the sound of clashing steel, the shattering of porcelain, and the screams of those who had not yet realized they were caught in the maelstrom. The scent of wine turned to blood.

Jisung barely registered any of it, his mind still trapped in the weight of his failure. Minho cursed under his breath, his grip on Jisung’s wrist tight enough to bruise.

“Move,” Minho growled. Jisung blinked - once, twice - then finally ran, his legs moving before his mind caught up. The once grand and pristine hall now seemed like a labyrinth of chaos. The polished floors were slick with wine and blood, and the air rang with the clash of swords. The morning would be bloody, and Jisung knew it. It was going to be his father’s side or his. But at the end of the night, only one would remain.

The world tilted as he ran, his heart racing, the ringing in his ears drowning out the screams of the dying. For the first time in his life, Jisung felt small, insignificant. The weight of failure pressed down on him like a boulder. He had lost Minho – he didn’t know where he was, but he wasn’t too scared for him. Minho would never fall. He had to believe that.

A blur of movement – then pain. The floor slammed into his ribs, glass biting into his palms. The sharp sting barely registered over the weight of failure pressing down on his chest. His heartbeat quickened, panic beginning to set in. God, what could he do now? He stayed on the floor, staring at his bloody hands, feeling the rush of desperation flood through him.

A man came to him, kicking him in the stomach, knocking the breath from his lungs, making him choke. A shadow loomed over him, and he looked up, vision blurry. Then, a boot, sharp and unyielding, pressed into his ribs.

“My own flesh and blood.” His father’s voice was almost amused, the cruel tone grating on Jisung’s ears, making him want to scream. “You never did know your place, did you?”

Jisung coughed, blood spilling between his lips. His father towered over him, eyes cold and unreadable, his presence like a dark cloud blotting out the light. The old man’s words hit harder than any blow, each syllable a jagged knife.

“Look at you,” the old man sneered, his voice dripping with venom. “Crawling. Pathetic.” He spat at his own son. Jisung’s fingers twitched, his resolve hardening even as his body screamed in protest. He wasn’t done. He refused to be. Jisung coughed again, a sharp sting blooming across his ribs where the kick had landed. His father’s presence loomed above him, casting a long shadow, a dark silhouette against the golden glow of the banquet hall. His face was unreadable, but his eyes burned with disgust.

“No but seriously… Look at yourself,” the old man sneered again, his voice laced with contempt. “Crawling on the floor like a rat. My son? No. You were never my son.” The words hit harder than any blow. Jisung swallowed hard, the sting of them sinking deeper than he wanted to admit. He had already planned to kill the man, had whispered lies into the ears of nobles, had woven a noose of doubt around his father’s neck. He had wanted this moment. He had prepared for it. And yet, something inside him cracked.

The hall was in chaos, guards shouting, steel clashing, tables overturned. Minho was somewhere in the fray, cutting men down like they were nothing, keeping them both alive. But Jisung could only hear him.

"You have always been weak." The old man’s voice was a low growl, a bitter sneer twisting his features as he took a step forward, crushing shards of glass beneath his boots. “Too soft. Too foolish. You were never worthy of the House of Han.”

Jisung forced himself to sit up, his breath ragged, chest heaving with every breath he took. He wasn’t weak. He had spent his entire life learning, calculating, manipulating – shaping himself into something untouchable. He had built this rebellion from nothing, had orchestrated the fall of an empire. And yet, his father still looked at him like he was a child who had disappointed him.

Jisung let out a dry, breathless laugh. “Then why do you look so afraid?” His father stilled. For the briefest moment, there was hesitation in his eyes – a flicker of recognition that Jisung had never been soft, never been weak. But it didn’t last. With a low growl, the old man drew his sword. The steel glinted under the candlelight, its edge razor-sharp.

"You are not my son," he said again, his voice colder now, final. "You are nothing. And I will correct my mistake." Jisung barely had time to react before his father raised his sword to strike.

In that moment, Minho acted without thinking, without hesitation. The world around him seemed to collapse into a singular focus, a singular purpose. His grip on his sword tightened, muscles coiling with a sense of inevitability. He had been trained for this - to act swiftly, decisively, without mercy. But never had he imagined it would be like this. Never had he imagined that the blade he wielded would pierce the flesh to protect.

With a single, brutal motion, Minho lunged forward. The sharp edge of his sword found its mark, cutting through the air with the precision of a predator’s strike. There was no time for thought, no room for second-guessing. The weight of the moment pushed all other considerations aside. The steel tore through the air, sinking deep into the flesh of Jisung's father, the once untouchable patriarch of the House of Han. The old man’s eyes widened in shock as the sword carved through his chest, and his lips parted in a strangled gasp, but no words came.

The blood spilled onto the floor in a crimson pool, mingling with the shattered glass and overturned furniture, a brutal testament to the violence that had erupted in the heart of the palace. The finality of the act settled over the hall like a suffocating fog. The room fell into a stunned silence, save for the faint sound of Minho’s breath as he stood over the corpse, his face unreadable. As the man collapsed, blood squirted all over the heir’s face and hanbok.

Jisung’s heart was pounding, his breaths coming in shallow gasps as he watched in disbelief. His father, the man he had spent years plotting against, the man who had ruled with a ruthless hand, now lay lifeless at Minho’s feet. It should have been a victory, a triumph of his plans coming to fruition. But instead, it felt hollow. Something had broken in him, something he couldn’t quite place. Minho stood there for a moment longer, his sword still dripping with the blood of the man who had been so central to Jisung’s life - for better or worse. He didn’t look down at the body, didn’t seem to acknowledge the enormity of the act. He simply stood, still as stone, his chest heaving with each breath. There was no joy in his face, no satisfaction. Just a deep, heavy silence.

Then, as if to break the stillness, Minho’s voice cut through the tension. His tone was calm, even detached, as though he had anticipated this moment for far longer than Jisung had.

“I’m on your side, Jisung.” Minho said, his voice steady but laced with a quiet, undeniable truth. Jisung blinked, the words sinking deep into him like a sharp jab to the chest. His heart stuttered for a beat, the weight of those words pressing down on him, suffocating him. His mind whirled, caught between the shards of his fractured plans and the reality that now stood before him. Minho had done it. There was no turning back now.

The silence between them stretched long, filled only by the sound of the blood dripping from Minho’s sword and the distant echo of shouts and chaos reverberating through the palace. Jisung’s chest tightened, the sting of failure still raw and fresh. But beneath that, there was something else, something more powerful than the bitterness of defeat: there was a sense of truth. Minho had chosen. And in doing so, he had forced Jisung to choose as well. For the first time, Jisung felt the full weight of what it meant to have someone stand by him, to have someone who would go this far for him, who would choose to burn everything down rather than let him fall. But that didn’t change the fact that everything was broken. Everything had changed. And there was no undoing it.

Jisung’s eyes locked onto Minho, searching for something - anything - that could make sense of this moment. But all he found was the quiet resolve in Minho’s eyes, the certainty that now defined him. The same certainty that had once made him a protector, but now, with one single act, had turned him into something else entirely. The sound of their breathing was the only thing that filled the space between them as the world continued to unravel, one thread at a time. Jisung softly rubbed his face with his hands, unconsciously spreading the blood on his skin.

“What happened to the rest?” He asked, trying to get his composure back. Minho sighed and squatted in front of him.

“Dead. As you asked.” He ripped a part of his robes, using the silk fabric to wipe his new master’s face. Jisung shivered softly at the contact. It was the first time Minho had seen the heir so shaken. But he didn’t say anything, he didn’t use this moment to mock Jisung. He couldn’t get himself to it.

“Your mission is complete, assassin.” Jisung pulled away Minho’s hand which was cleaning his face. He then slowly got up, giving a disgusted gaze to his father’s corpse lying in a bloody puddle. “You can kill me now.”

Minho raised his hand, putting it on Jisung’s soft lips. “I won’t. Not now.” The heir looked up at him, confused. “I know it was the deal. But - right now - I don’t want to kill you.” Minho felt Jisung’s sparkly and round eyes linger on him for a bit too long. This time it wasn’t a game, it wasn’t seduction, it wasn’t manipulation. Jisung’s gaze was raw, full of emotions and deeply touched.

“You should kill me, Minho. I am a monster. Only twenty and look at all the blood I have on my hands.”

The assassin chuckled and shook his head. “At your age I had twice the amount you have, silly. Plus, I was the one holding the blade. If you are a monster, then what am I?” Jisung laughed softly, his playful and usual cocky attitude slowly coming back.

“I told you you were too rough with me. I’m as delicate as a flower.” The heir threw back at him. Minho rolled his eyes and slapped Jisung’s bottom softly.

“But you love it so much when I’m rough with you, softie.”

As the bloodstained remnants of his father’s rule slowly seeped into the floor, Jisung found himself standing tall again, despite the weight that still pressed against his chest. His eyes flickered over the carnage around him, the wreckage of what was supposed to be his triumphant moment. And yet, it felt like the beginning of something far darker. His lips curved into that familiar, dangerous smile - the one that had earned him both fear and admiration.

“Well,” he said, voice smooth, almost playful, as he wiped a bit of blood from his lip, “I suppose this makes me the head of the House of Han now, doesn’t it?”

Minho’s eyes narrowed as he stood by Jisung’s side, his body tense and ready. The sword was still in his hand, the blood on it drying slowly, but he made no move to sheath it. His gaze stayed on Jisung, sharp and calculating. “You should stop smiling like that. It doesn’t suit you after... everything.”

Jisung raised an eyebrow, the mask of charm slipping back into place, but there was something colder in it now - less play, more purpose. “What? You don’t think I’ve earned it?” he asked, his tone light, but his eyes were ice. “I’ve waited so long for this. It’s time to take what’s mine.”

Minho shook his head, his posture still defensive, as though protecting Jisung from more than just the bloodshed. “I didn’t kill him so you could throw it all away. I thought you had ideals.” His voice was quiet, but the weight of it hit Jisung like a thunderclap.

“Throw it away?” Jisung chuckled, but there was a flicker of something darker behind his eyes. He leaned forward slightly, placing his hand on Minho’s chest in a casual, almost teasing motion. “Oh, Minho. I’m not the one who’ll throw anything away. You’ve already seen what I’m capable of. This is just the beginning.”

Minho’s eyes tightened, though there was a flicker of something else - concern, maybe, or a warning. His hand instinctively went to the hilt of his sword, though he didn’t draw it. Not yet. “Just be careful, Jisung. Don’t let your hunger for power blind you.”

“Blind?” Jisung’s smile deepened, his charm returning with a new intensity. “I’m not blind. I’ve been seeing this moment clearly for years. And now... I’m finally getting exactly what I want.”

The room fell silent for a heartbeat, save for the distant sounds of chaos outside the halls. In that moment, Jisung wasn’t the broken, uncertain heir who had watched his world crumble. He was the man who had risen from the ashes, ruthless and cunning. Minho’s hand tightened around his sword. His voice was low and steady, though there was an undercurrent of something darker in his words. “I’ll follow you... as long as you remember what you’ve become.” He hesitated before adding, “But if you lose yourself in this - if you become the monster your father was - then I won’t follow you anymore.”

Jisung’s gaze softened, a flicker of something unreadable flashing through his eyes, but his smile remained. “You worry too much, Minho,” he said, brushing off the threat like a trivial thing. “I’ll be fine. I always am. Plus…” He marked a pause, before adding. “We still have a deal, now that my father is dead you can kill me anytime, assassin.”

With that, he turned, the bloodied floor slick beneath his feet, as he walked toward the door. Minho followed, his hand still on the hilt of his sword, though his eyes never left Jisung's back. The door opened with a creak, and they stepped into the unknown future - one where only the strongest would survive, and Jisung had already claimed his place at the top.

#a dance of daggers #ao3 #fanfic #han jisung #lee know #minsung #han #skz #minho #assassin x heir #minsung historical au

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