s3rin3ty - Tumblr blog

[s3rin3ty]

my new meds r workimg butni feel really nauseous recently. they worked for liekw couple weeks but now i feel like i have no energy to do anything. my body always hurts and i keep fainting and blacking out. everything hurts physically. my arms keep falling asleep and im shaking a lot. fuck ass meds. theyh lep but they dont oh my god

[s3rin3ty]

im clean from cutting so i get my friend to punch me. she thinks its just some fun silly thing but i seriously want to kill myself

[s3rin3ty]

####### #######. I've always hated my name. Since i was born, there was never once, for a single second, that i've loved every part of myself, there was always something wrong with me. I have problems, im fucked in the head. My first suicide attempt was at 13. Ive lost count, but i tried on my 14th birthday, february 16. I wouldnt call this an attempt, but ive overdosed on pills since then at least once every month until april 13, when i was hospitalized. I came out after a week in the psych ward, and my next suicide attempt was in late june. I tried again in september, then halloween, and new years. Since september 2023 ive been slicing up my arms. I cant even say wrist because from my elbow down, both arms are covered in scars, front and back. My next attempt was on february 20th, then the 27th i overdosed.

Everything is wrong with me. Not just my depression, but just, me. I look wrong, and my body isnt mine. My hair doesnt fall right, and i always feel like my bones are trying to leave my skin. I cant stand the sight of myself. My weight, and my face. My hair, my voice, my hands and arms. My body wont allow me to eat without feeling discomfort, to look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed. The sound of my own voice repels me. I feel like a fish that cant swim. I shouldnt be here. Im an embarrassment to everyone around me. No father wants a daughter who has a D average, or at least mine doesnt.

I break things when im upset, and i yell. I get angry easily. I dont know why im angry. Im not an angry person, so i dont know why i act the way i do. I dont know what i am, but i know Im not a good person. I drag everyone into my own problems. Im like a black hole. Im a bad friend, im a bad influence, im a bad daughter. Im a bad person.

“Im tired of being your friend, i dont want to talk to you again or be friends or anything”

“Never unblocking that bitch”

“She think everything a damn joke”

“Is rin going? ‘No, i can only bring so many people anyways’ ‘oh thank the lord”

Out of context, its all bad, but i was the problem everytime. I dont understand boundaries, and i never take anything seriously. To me, im the only person that matters. I cant comfort people, but expect others to comfort me. Maybe, im not a bad person, but im not the person you should be around.

The only thing stopping me from taking my life is my siblings. My sister saw my arm, and she crid with me. She held me, and talked to me, and i saw her crying.

“Im scared to leave. Im scared that ill leave, and when i come back you wont be here” thats what she told me, and i keep thinking about it. And im sorry that i make everyone worry. Im sorry my mother cried everyday for the week i was in the hospital. Im sorry my sister has to worry about me when she should be worried about herself. Im sorry that this is how i am, and that i cant change myself.

I think, im impossible to love. To truly love. If you knew every part of me, my every thought, you wouldnt like me. You wouldnt want to be anywhere around me. Youd be ashamed to call me your daughter, your sister, or friend.

[s3rin3ty]

my life has always felt like nothing. like it wouldnt matter if i were to go to sleep and never wake up. when i was too scared to actually attempt, i would shower at night. i would shave, and wash my hair, and rub on scented lotion. i would light candles, and spray perfume. i would put on my silk night dress and lay in my bed, the orange night light illuminating my room. and i would pray with every breath in my body that i would not wake up. that i would pass with no pain in the comfort of my bed. of course, it never worked. while im not perfectly fine, and im still sruggling, i wouldn't ever try to take my life again. my sister, my brother, and my mother who deserves better. they mean the world to me and i don't ever want them to live with the pain. i wouldn't ever wish for my sister or brother to hesitate when someone asks how many siblings they have, whether to say 1, or 2. i live for my family, i live for my friends. i know ill never be their first choice, but they're mine, and i love them with everything in me. id give my skin and bones for everyone in my life.

[s3rin3ty]

may 7, 2024

Tuesday. its 12:17 am, so technically its the 8th, but whatever. its not the next day until i sleep and wake up again.

Don't think anyone's gonna read this, so i wont bother explaining anything, but these new meds i got put on are fr helping. aripiprazole, i think. they kept raising my Lexapro dosage 5 mg higher and nothing worked until this. I'm still using Lexapro, 20mg, but they added this new one, 5mg.

i actually finished my online homework for my math class that I've never been able to even start. yeah, i have mostly d's rn, but ill get them up!!

anyways. 16 more days left of school, oh my god??!!?! 3 weeks until summer. ugh, i hate the heat. i hate the humidity and the way my clothes stick on my skin when i sweat. when bugs come out and. I saw this video on TikTok of this girl out running and when she stopped for a break there were like mosquitos stuck on her skin like ew....

(minor mentions violence) well, other than that, and the fact that testing's coming up, everything's good! my parents got in a fight two days ago, Sunday night, and oh my god. me and my sister, 18 years old, are too nosey omg. i recorded most of their fight. my dad was all like "don't push my buttons, you won't like how i react" yeah meaning he's gonna hit her. "you're gonna make me do something ill regret" ok buddy. no but the way he actually slit her neck once. i wasn't born yet but knowing my mom she would never lie about that. and the way my father won't even deny it too is crazy. oh, and btw my dad's 68 (69 in November) and my mom's 47. she was 19 when she met him at 41. my dad told us that his ex wife cheated on him, but listening to that fight, turns out it was my dad who cheated with a girl whose fresh out of high school. damn. everyone knows my dads a fuckin weirdo. not to mention he's a Zionist nazi. he totally supports Israel and whatever shit they're on, and he said hitler was only "doing what needed to be done" damn i could write a whole book on everything my father's done. that bitch piss me tf off. ykw, tomorrow, im gonna tell y'all what happened November 13, 2022. damn that shits crazy.