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an ironic thing about the posts I make, a lot of them are feelings I either had when I was a bit younger, or feelings that I have in passing, nothing permanent anymore. I've done a lot of work to get to where I am now, and I have a good support system when I didn't have one before. my posts are now moreso reflections of the life I lived and how hard I remember it all being, how it's still hard sometimes.

but I say this cause I want you to know that this isn't permanent. it won't haunt you forever, and the work it takes to crawl out of this hole is hard, but worth it. I believe in you, and I love you

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Wanting The Love That Only Comes in Waves

i sometimes feel these moments of wanting a safe and secure love,

i sometimes want someone to see me, and see past every flaw and broken aspect i withhold,

only for a moment i picture myself holding onto another,

and that part of me wants nothing more than to look into someone's eyes and see a home i've never felt.

i sit in this feeling, just for a moment.

and then this other part of me starts to shake,

my stomach starts to turn, and fear starts to overflow.

"i don't want to be scared anymore," i tell myself

and "i don't want to run away."

but how can i let these moments of wanting last, when i can't view myself the way i wish someone else would,

how can i give myself the safe and secure love my parents starved me of,

how can i see past through the constant internal struggles where my self worth was tested over, and over again,

leaving me broken and bruised,

sad and disappointed,

how do i let myself actually feel at my full capacity?

i want to want love in the way Romeo and Juliet once did,

i want to be so sure of wanting the person thats looking at me,

and i want to be okay with accepting loves offering,

but for now, my heart will ache for it and my soul will deny it.

i can't absorb it, not until i'm able to love myself fully & whole heartedly,

but until then-

i'll just keep wanting the love that only comes in waves.

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. . . the feeling was so intense that he just said, 'Bye!' and ran away.

Lev Grossman, from The Bright Sword

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Well, what do you know...