#fearful avoidant attachment style

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

Disorganized (aka fearful-avoidant) attachment style is overanalyzing/overcorrecting when you think your partner might be pulling away from you, but then pulling away from them when they draw close to you.

It is both craving AND fearing intimacy so deeply that you grip people tight in your hands lest they leave you, but keep them at an arms length lest they love you.

[broodyjoey]

Ah I feel so alone in this place called “home”

Escaping so far into my fantasies and phone

I wish I actually had a proper partner, looking at my friends and sibling, they’ve got relationships

My sis’s gf is sweet to my sis

But 2 of my friends’s respective partners are shit

I’m not willing to be vulnerable to people that are going to hurt me.

I can’t do this, this thing called relationships.

I still want someone to love me,

Can I buy a mother?

Can I buy love?

Does therapy count as buying care? Buying the love and attention I craved, when I found a good therapist.

Ah but the insurance lapsed and what am I left with?

I opened up and was left on my own again.

Tell me why I have to be vulnerable to people who will hurt me and/or leave?

Leaving me is hurting me.

Please don’t leave me.

Don’t hurt me.

I hate this.

It’s just like one of my reoccurring nightmares, about someone leaving me and when I tell them that I love them, they just end up walking away still.

I hate it.

Don’t go away,

Don’t leave me.

I don’t even know who I’m asking this of. I just wish my happiness didn’t walk away.

[with-reverence]

Unresolved abandonment is the root of self-sabotage.

Susan Anderson, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing

[myun-saidthoughts]

Disorganized Attachment Style: What Happens When Someone Becomes "Consistent"

One thing no one talks about with a disorganized attachment style, is the way your brain will automatically block and suppress feelings for someone once these feelings don't mirror the same pain you once felt growing up. Once they become somehow consistent for you, it can feel worse when they come to you because suddenly they don't fill your deepest void, and you'll ask yourself "do i still care?" "why am i not overly attached to this outcome anymore?" "i don't feel fear but i also don't feel this intense need for them, do i even want them?"

Struggling with a disorganized attachment style with abandonment issues creates this idea in your head where those questions causes deactivation and the desire for them somehow vanishes.

The intense lows and highs/feelings that once persisted must always be there or the lack of will showcase a less desire for them.

Therefore a lack of fear = lack of interest.

You feel comfortable with the scarcity mindset, you feel comfortable with "'needing" someone, so when you don't have that need, there's a part of you that feels like they won't be able to give you the "fulfillment" feeling you think you always need in order to like someone.

The truth is, that feeling you are holding onto is just a comfort zone for you and keeps you from letting that one part of you that you hide, out.

That feeling of not needing is something you're not familiar with, so with it brings up the need of past patterns that you once subconsciously or consciously always held onto.

It's okay to not need someone, it's okay to not have this black or white mindset with other souls, and it's okay to just be okay in the moment and not have a constant rollercoaster of emotions embody you. This "desire" you think you always need in order to feel emotionally safe is only because now it doesn't represent the home or care you received as a child.

You're comfortable with the highs and the lows so when someone you once felt you could lose no longer gives you that fear, somehow that need for them dissipates.

Now if you experience this, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you can't fall in love, it just means you now are experiencing love or care in a way that you feel is unsafe because it's the love you've never had the chance to hold onto.

It's okay to not need someone.

[sentientsky]

on marrow-deep fear. on loving despite it. on burning up with want

“Hold it in”, Jukebox the Ghost // “invite me”, Jasmine Mans // Jeff Buckley // “Bite the hand”, boygenius // “You are Jeff”, Richard Siken // Tumblr user @halfof-mysoul

[demonmoon00]

dear fearful avoidant,

you let someone you love overstep your boundaries over and over and over again. you react, you pull away, you get defensive. but you say nothing. you let your needs go unmet. and yes, you have needs just like them. needs left unsaid. and one day, when all of this builds up, you implode. now look at you. drained, tired, and overwhelmed. you hurt the person you love and you hurt yourself. and all you needed was space. let them know how you feel. they have no clue youre suffocating. let them know. you want to be close, but you need some air. you need to clear your mind. this is your reminder to speak up. it will save a whole lot of hurt in the longrun.

[sunyee]

dealing with abandonment issues is so draining. its so jarring. i hate putting people i love through this. its like going into a blind rage, having no common sense when those feelings hit you like a truck. no one ever wins. if i convince myself someone is going to leave, its like written in stone, even if this person countlessly proves themselves, even if they show me they wont leave in the moment, my brain convinces me that if they dont leave now, they will soon, its just a matter of time. like what the fuck man, what wires are missing in my head. i wish i was a better person, i work on these issues, and when they dont surface for a while it feels like i've completely healed. only for the disappointment to be astronomical when they eventually resurface with potency, like it was charging in hibernation. idk anymore man, people underestimate how fucked abandonment issues are.

[kenmakaminari]

Having a disorganized attachment style is so weird and frustrating. Because, like, I want and crave love and attention but the second someone tries to show me it I push them away and shut down. Because that's scary, if they give me affection then they'll either leave, or want something back, and I'm not ready to find out what kind of payment they'll want.

[copingwithmemes]

[lycheeteeni]

🔒Recluse Heart ❤️‍🩹

In the shadows, distant and aloof,

Lies a heart guarded, a soul that's proof.

Reclusive in love's embrace,

With walls erected, a lonely space.

Emotions hidden, locked away tight,

In the caverns of a wary night.

Intimacy feared, vulnerability shunned,

In the dance of love, they stand undone.

They retreat to solitude's quiet call,

Preferring the silence, the soft night's thrall.

Averse to closeness, they shy away,

From the warmth of love's gentle sway.

Commitment a burden, a weight to bear,

They fear losing freedom, trapped in love's snare.

Mixed signals sent, a tangled thread,

Leaving their partner lost and misled.

Their needs unspoken, their desires veiled,

In the depths of their soul, a longing jailed.

Minimizing problems, sweeping them aside,

Leaving wounds unhealed, hearts unsatisfied.

But beneath the mask, a longing yearns,

For connection true, for love that burns.

In the caverns of their guarded heart,

Lies the hope for a brand new start.

So tread with patience, tread with care,

For love's light can pierce through despair.

With understanding, empathy's art,

Love can heal the reclusive heart.

JI

04-03-24

[exclusivelyhomosexual]

Turns out, I had no idea how much I fear love until someone presented me with the real thing

[eli-zab3th]

Me: upset and overwhelmed, wanting to be held and cared for.

My partner: wanting to hold me and to care for me whenever he's available

My brain: no. Reject and isolate. No being cared for. Independent person. Will suffer on my own.

[with-reverence]

For all of its pain and intensity, abandonment serves as a catalyst for profound personal growth.

Susan Anderson, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

[shallowcrypts]

Avoidants are unfairly demonized.

And you know what? I’m sick of seeing anxious-attached folks being treated as if they’re fully the victim and totally blameless.

They just cannot ever admit that they might make mistakes, especially serious ones. Can't apologize. Self righteous as hell, and so, so blaming. It's such bullshit. It’s so often that the avoidant partner is forced to take “accountability” for whatever the issue and the AP gets to be relieved that its “not them” and they don’t have to look at their own outrageous behavior that may have contributed to the original issue.

AP’s get all the sympathy because they are usually the loudest, therefore we all have to center around their feelings. It's not that the avoidants DON’T want help, it's avoidants are more likely to avoid and if someone doesn't like conflict and the AP is constantly having a temper tantrum... so who is going to get heard? Have the most attention to their problems?

I was recently talking to a friend about couples therapy with her avoidant partner & even in listening I could tell that she didn't realize how much she dominated the therapy sessions, while simultaneously complaining he wasn't there enough. When he finally broke down and cried about something she had said, her response? You've never cried about that before but it bothers you NOW?

And that’s the thing, it's never good enough for APs. It is hard to be a person when an AP is suffocating the room, and it's easier for them to blame avoidants because we are the only people who will continually put up with their shit, because we ignore it and somehow they are the victims in that too. The goal post is forever changing with them, and nothing is ever good enough. They complain and put pressure on to be, think, feel a certain way and when you manage to come close, you're still somehow in the wrong. I would rather shove everything down and suffer silently than possibly trigger an AP into an episode because THAT is pure psychological torture.

And don’t even get me started about how they then proceed to be the "humble brags" of self-work:

"I just have too big of a heart and I over-give because I'm too generous.”

If all the APs I've known ACTUALLY took accountability it'd sound like:

"I make comments with the intention of making you feel ashamed and guilty so that in your diminished self-worth you might be insecure enough to come to me. Maybe if you're upset we can have a conversation or emote at each other, which is a form of connection, so I force that since I can't force you do do whatever I want at any given moment. I push and push and push and push you so that when you break A) again, I can feel the connection that comes with conflict, at least, and B) I can feel victimized by how 'mean' you are by finally breaking at my prodding. I do not ever stop to consider how this might be tanking your life and our relationship... because I always find a way to blame you for that. I have the audacity to purport to know what your problems are and your inner work should be, and though I'm begging you to open up to me, I don't listen when you do. I just cry because whatever you say scares me, and my fear is still ultimately more important than any of your experiences." APs don't "care" anymore than Avoidants as a default, though they may try too hard, sure.

The issue is that the “I care too much" gets recognized as "and that causes problems for ME” and they're like "oh look I'm taking accountability!" But they never get to the part about how them "caring too much" caused problems for OTHERS and they never want to earnestly apologize. Their behavior can be seriously, seriously, damaging to be on the other end of.

"I'm impatient, have unrealistic expectations, and I over-perform for love. I'm going to work on this with my therapist because I'm realizing now how this is backfiring and causing me pain."

^That would be accountability.

[myun-saidthoughts]

What is a disorganized attachment style and why can it be detrimental?

With this attachment style, there is a push and pull internally that you struggle with. You have this dire need and desire to be wanted by someone, to have someone, to be someone’s person, yet nothing terrifies you more. Nothing makes you more sick to your stomach, and nothing brings you more anxiety.

There is a constant dilemma wavering over your head. Usually, one parent emotionally starved you through their non-verbal absence, they never met your needs, they never protected you, they never gave you the unconditional love you so desperately craved for, and quite frankly needed and deserved. And in most cases the other parent represented a constant rollercoaster of emotions. They were unpredictable, chaotic, abusive, but also loving, nurturing, and caring in some circumstances. They brought you the safety and took it away just as fast. Over and over again, “I’m here!” to “I left again” over and over again. Because of this you looked at your parents in fear instead of comfort. Instead of walking towards them for protection, you ran away in fear and confusion. This abandonment wound has grown so deep in you to the point where you believe they wouldn’t come to you when you need them the most, because they never did.

You started to believe that they wouldn’t give you the security or stability that you need. Both parents emotionally (sometimes physically) left, with no explanation or communication. Or in some other severe cases both or (one) parent abused or neglected you and your needs at a very young age, and so you grew up thinking that 'love' is a conditional circumstance, and it's not given, especially by the people you're supposed to hold close to. In short, they didn’t provide the emotional or physical support or security a parent should have brought or in a way that you needed.

You felt as if you weren’t enough for their love so why would anyone else in your life be different? Why would another soul bring you the security your own parents starved you from? How can you become vulnerable to someone who would just leave in the end? How do you show the darkest parts of yourself to another? How do you let the wall come down? You were taught that no one will be there when it does. And with all this fear, there is still a part of you that wants a home.

You want someone to hold you and give you the peace you never felt. You want someone to look at you with pure intentions, and with care. You want someone to put you first because no one in your life ever did. No one ever showed you that your feelings matter, or that you are worthy of the love you crave. You want a home, a safe, secure, stable home. And now you search for it. Everywhere. And when and if you do, you run.

The idea of someone else actually seeing you, and all your parts makes you insecure and afraid. Being vulnerable is terrifying, showing a part of yourself just means they will take that part from you, and leave. Because they always do. Yet still, you have this deep void. A deep void of wanting a connection, wanting to be needed, and wanting to give. Now you may struggle emotionally and wither between being numb towards wanting a partnership to wanting nothing more. “What if the person I choose doesn’t choose me?” And this constant dilemma goes around and around your head. You feel as if no one is able to understand you, or love you in the way that you need. So instead, you fall for the people who naturally represent the abandonment wound that bleeds in you.

You fall for the one person that you know will leave, because that's what's most comfortable to you. It’s what’s most known in your eyes, it's deemed as what’s most ‘safe.’ The person you choose to give your heart to, is the same person you know that will abandon you. You already know how the story ends, so you naturally will choose someone who fits that absent character. They will never love you in the way that you long for, in the way that you search for, but that’s the type of love you only feel safe enough to accept. You’ll go in circles with this person, and you’ll constantly ask yourself “Why am I never good enough?” “Why can’t they just understand me for a second?” “Am I asking for too much?” “I’m never worth it, I’m not enough.” And the cycle repeats.

Or in some cases you find someone special, and the second they don’t represent your abandonment wound, the second they get too comfortable being with you, too comfortable with showing you their affection, their secure love, you run. This type of love is not common for you, nor does it feel safe enough to have, or to hold. Only until you heal that abandonment wound you have deep down, the only people in your life will just be a walking affirmation that says “You are not worth it.”

Ultimately, you crave to find the love you never received, but search for it in all the wrong people.

The people you choose are mirrors of everything you feel about yourself. You don’t think you deserve the safe love you yearn for. So when someone comes in, and they don’t represent the ‘safe’ mirror of being the person who will leave, nothing scares you more.

So until you look in the mirror, and see someone who is only deserving of the love you never received, you will only keep seeing a broken soul crying to be truly seen.

[fxaa]

I think my "hot dykes fumbled" counter is about to tick up