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you will get up & you will make that to do list & you will be realistic about your limits & you will take it easy but steady & you will eat good food & you will get things done & you will move your body & you will do things that make you happy & you will limit your screen time & you will be the thing that saves you

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I cannot stress enough how important it is to do silly, frivolous things that serve no other purpose than making you happy.

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"There's no hope for the future." And that's how they felt during the Atomic Age, during the World Wars, during the Enlightenment Revolutions, during thr plagues, during the Viking raids, during the fall of Rome.

Yet, we persisted.

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Go to therapy or read another fan fiction of your favorite fictional character?

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“the arts and sciences are completely separate fields that should be pitted against each other” the overlap of the arts and sciences make up our entire perceivable reality they r fucking on the couch

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I am tired of feeling idiotic. Every reply is cringy, whenever I say something I am not heard, I can't find the right moment to participate in the discussion at school... It is feeling invalid and stiff and stupid and overwhelmed that makes me really hate myself. I wish I was confident even when saying stupid shit. I wish I didn't have my mouth shut. I wish I liked the people around me more. Right now my desire is to leave. Travel somewhere far far far away where I can breathe properly and live without my thoughts.

Have an easy, happy life.

A moment where I am appreciated or missed.

A moment when I feel at home.

I am tired of holding in my tears, hanging on the brink.

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northern lights photographed from space

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look alive, sunshine

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John Bulmer. A man and woman walk down a footpath in the north of the United Kingdom in 1965

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I love the drawing style so much, as well as the color technique

Bottled Message Wizard

His common ability is to send messages across different realms and reality using bottles.

His ultimate is a reality bending skill of Written-Recipe-to-reality is limited to once per 3 days and to liquids. Simply put a written recipe of a concoction into a bottle and it simply manifests. Very useful when testing theoretical mixtures.

Tryna be subtle with this, I wanna avoid relying on my texture brushes too much. The color scheme resemblance to a popular Jrpg mascot is pure coincidence

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How I am feeling

-Charles Bukowski, "cancer," from Come On In!

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Take a deep breath, let go of what’s out of your control, and trust that everything will work out in the end. It’s easy to get caught up in worrying about the future, but remember that the only thing we can control is the present. Focus on today, and trust that the future will take care of itself.

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unfortunately it is too relatable

One of the thingg that break my heart is how I come to hate studying.

I used to love it... I was always reading, studying, learning. Always!

And now... I don't like it and I'm not able to do it anymore

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Dear diary - I failed *No.3*

I despise myself so much right now. It is 4am. I have an exam at 9am. I have been having a rough few days, so pulling an overnighter is of course the answer. Cramming everything in a day and a half is the answer. But this time the trick won't do. Feeling myself barely being able to keep up with time is an embarrassing form of self-torture. The responsibility of handling the consequences from my actions is bitter and embarrassing. I am a liar. Probably going to go to my friends with a story of how sick I was (I am but from anxiety not the flu), put on a face and bullsh*t them for the sake of my pride. A part of me wishes I was normal - do things on time, keep up with a schedule.

Now, I have to call my parents to tell them that I am an embarrassment who can't do the bare minimum. I broke my promises, I did not get better... same old mess. A pile of trauma and mental illness. I care so badly what everyone thinks of me that it is making me feel worse than not managing to study on time. Perhaps I was an actress in a past life and it has stuck with me in this one. Even when no one is looking, I keep the act up. Got me wondering if my problems come from altering my personality all the time.

This moment of weakness is probably not gonna be forgotten soon. In a month or 2 I would be laughing at how I cried early in the morning, how it finally got me to do the dishes and put my mess in order.

But this is how I have been feeling - ashamed, bracing myself for a war over the phone, for questions from my friends.

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Dear diary, why am I proud of myself #2

I am proud of myself for quite a few things:

For going out of my way to better my skills and connections. I am meeting people - not just anyone but people I can connect with businesswise, visionwise, interestwise. Without noticing, I have created this positive atmosphere of compassion and support. It is nice to hear -and listen to- the voice of the "doers", instead of the usual comments about the unfairness and nastiness this world is full of. Those that took chances and failed and succeeded. Hearing about putting in the effort, having no shame or second thoughts about people's opinions, doing what is best for you, altered my perception. The shame many feel when talking about going for it and doing the utmost versus having pride in those very same things, has been refreshing and enlightening.

For understanding "it is not that bad". A few weeks ago I was having a mental breakdown due to exam stress and the chaos reigning around me. The decision to turn the narrative helped me move on and start doing my tasks. Perhaps it is delirious but I chose that "not enough time" is purely a concept, even a barrier, I had put up in my brain a long time ago.

For thinking about my future. It is nice to imagine to see myself as a future version. One that is maybe looking back to me, remembering what she was like before. It is comforting and in a crazy way comforting. Mainly, it is a reminder that life goes on and that one crisis doesn't automatically mean everything is over. Trust me - it is NOT. As I have moved on thousand times before, each time there is a burden hindering my efforts, I embrace it, feel it and grow. Maybe they were right - we are like a muscle. The more you face challenges and push yourself, the easier it gets. That doesn't mean you don't have problems anymore, just that you are much more stable and strong while dealing with them.

For standing up for myself. I put boundaries despite feeling anxious and scared. I defended myself because there is no one to do that for me. I was in a difficult situation and I got up to find a solution. Was the execution perfect, absolutely no, that won't take my pride away, however.

For giving myself a reality check. I had this stupid little crush on this guy, thankfully it is dying down after I found out he has a girlfriend. I am grateful for not shaming myself and thinking I was stupid or embarrassing. He is a nice guy and I do wish him the best. Plus, my other 20 crushes are still on line :) * this IS a joke (; *

For doing grown-upy things I really did not feel like doing. Yeah. My signature is under a few contracts now.

For actively looking out for opportunities. Thinking, searching, asking. Additionally, I am proud of myself for coming up with a number of great ideas.

This is my humble little list. Hope anyone reading likes it :)

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Dear diary, why am I proud of myself #1

Firstly, I am truly sorry for being inactive. My life had gone through a 360 and it took me more time than I like to admit to sort through everything. Recently, I have been having the urge to write, to start a blog .... of course then I remembered that I DO have a blog.

I have decided to take the whole "gratitude" wave seriously but with a pinch of bitter honesty. My decision was to not make it overly sweet or inauthentic. I don't know if I am going to find something to be proud of every single day but perhaps this might turn into a challenge that will lead to great results.

Honestly, today has been the first day I have been home for longer than 3 hours (except at night when I sleep). Recently I have been running around, trying not to miss out on any opportunities, yet I still feel like I am never doing enough. Events, meetings, lectures and probably everything in-between have been keeping me pretty occupied. It sounds like a lot and it is a lot, considering that it was the first time in probably a year that I woke up at 11 am. Did I mention that made me feel like a terrible imposter?

Maybe it is the way life knocks you down sometimes that is truly satirical. I was honestly feeling very proud of myself - for being busy, for not giving up, for working hard, for building the person I can see myself be. All of this crumbled after one phone call that eventually led to me trying to wipe my tears away secretly because I was on public transportation. The phone call was from my mother and it's main point was that I didn't call or text enough and it turned into a whole fight about me trying to isolate myself and a bunch of other things nobody wants to start their morning with. Personally, it wasn't something I had done on purpose, I just truly didn't feel capable of dissecting myself any further. Whenever there was something to be said, I called. I just didn't see the reason to do so when I had nothing to say. It is a difficulty to explain that my mind quietens in certain points and doesn't have any desire to explain or communicate anything at all. However, those complaints were taken personally. A part of me feels like a performer in a circus - every part of my life tugging me around while I am balancing on a tightrope with a ingenuine smile. I have been growing persistently tired of putting on an act - be happy, be thankful, be energetic, communicate, smile, engage. Don't get angry, stay calm, be diplomatic.

I am afraid that some of it is not in my nature. I have always loved doing whatever I want without having a need to explain myself. I realise that the previous statement is pretty two-sided. I can admit that at times I love fighting and that maybe I am a selfish bitch. I can't even tell you if I am a good person - probably not. It is just that I truly didn't need a phone call to hear that after really trying my very best to be a rather good person and make my parents proud. Another small voice in my head had a meaner approach to that conversation, it was ready to ask of them to also get on that imaginary treadmill and run until they feel like they can't handle it anymore. Run and run and run until they felt exhausted, overwhelmed, angry and scared like their daughter. Perhaps I should also put my expectations as heavy weight on their shoulders, witness how it drags them down slowly. And no doubt that voice would probably get a sick sense of pleasure from it.

With all that being said, there have been a lot of things that made me proud I have made myself proud in many ways.

I didn't let momentary bitterness and hurt poison my mind, body and soul. I tried, despite the pain, and so it all started passing slightly. My gratitude goes out to the tenderness still left within me, to the tears that along with the rain washed the hurt away.

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I like to pretend that I’d be that strong badass heroine if I were in a book, but deep down I know that if a handsome villain with a sexy voice and a tragic backstory asked me to be his queen and rule hell with him I’d accept without a moment’s hesitation.