sandydoe

[sandydoe]

kat Philbin

[sandydoe]

7/26/2020 11:25 AM

I feel like im going crazy, i cant sleep, i can’t get that thing out of my head. I keep having this dream where im back there in the woods staring down the coyote, except i dont run, i just stand there petrified. the thing slowly lifts its claw, red paste and snapped bones splattering to the ground. i cant move as hard as i try but for some reason im not scared as it slowly steps out from behind the tree, head cocked to one side, staring me down with those empty eye sockets. its huge, at least 7 feet tall, and completely skeletal. its arms and head look like animal bones but from the waist down the bones look human. its wearing some sort of tattered rags and its has tons of these different charms hanging from its neck and ribs. hunching over it takes a few steps towards me, sizing me up. it flexes those skeletal claws and the last chunks of the coyote fall into the mud. im sweating despite the cold and i can’t stop shaking. every night it takes one or two steps closer before i wake up. last night it was so close i could have touched it. i dont know what the fuck is going on with my brain this is way too much. i checked that spot for that coyote the other day and there was nothing there, i dug around in the mud for what felt like hours and i didnt find shit. what the fuck is happening to me??

[sandydoe]

[sandydoe]

Midsummer Night (prints)

[sandydoe]

Magical Waterfall in Wyoming // Prints // Instagram

[sandydoe]

7/22/2020 7:22 AM

I saw it again. that thing ive been having hallucinations of. i woke up because of the damn coyotes again and couldn't get back to sleep so i decided to head up to the kitchen for some food. if you haven’t heard coyotes they make like this whining howl noise thats very irritating. i spent the next few minuets making myself coffee and microwaving a mini pizza all the while the coyotes would drone on and on. i remember wondering how my sister could sleep through this shit, i figured she must be used to it by now but something kept bothering me, i thought what if the reason im hearing these coyotes so loud is because they're just a hallucination too? i mean if im already having hallucinations its not that much of a stretch right? well i decided i would go just check it out like if i saw it was a coyote i would help ground me or whatever so i grabbed my flashlight and my jacket and took a step outside shutting the door behind me. it was cold and muddy, i guess it must have rained yesterday and i didn’t even notice. i shone the light over the edge of the tree line and saw nothing but my own breath. i could sure as hell hear the little bastards though, they were much louder from out here. i decided to head around to the back of the house, stepping down from the patio and following the yowling of the coyotes to the best of my ability. after making my way past the piles of discarded car parts to the back, i once again lit up the treeline with my flashligh and i swear i saw something duck further into the trees in response to the light. i thought for sure that was one of the coyotes, it was almost directly where all the noise was coming from so it must have been. I yelled into the woods, hoping to scare them away but they just kept on screaming into the dark. i hesitated for a moment thinking i could just go back inside but i was already out here with my boots on yelling into the woods so i though fuck it. i moved to the edge of the tree line and pointed my flash light towards the noises, i couldn't see anything clearly but it looked like there was some motion from deeper in. I yelled again. they didn’t stop. I took my first step into the woods twigs and brush crunching beneath my boot and the coyotes quickly fell silent. that seemed to do it, at least thats what i thought. ‘oh now your scared?’ i said with some newfound confidence. i held onto a nearby tree to support myself as i stepped further into the woods, flicking my flashlight here and there looking for some glimpse of the coyotes. I scaled this small hill, mud now caking my hands and knees from the short climb. i pulled myself up the last lip and immediately saw this coyote, standing next to a tree and staring right at me, it was low to the ground and i heard it growling. i had dealt with dogs before and was fairly confident this thing couldn't hurt me, i was more worried about future nights sleep so i took a few steps forward, made myself look as big as possible and screamed at it. it looked like it was about to bolt when it was instantly crushed by this huge claw? hand? i dont know, i want to rationalize this as being something real like a person in a suit or like a fucked up bear or something but if its a hallucination i guess ill just describe it as i saw it. it came down so fast, the coyote didnt even make a noise it was just gone,  buried in the mud beneath this huge skeletal claw. it was at least a foot wide and looked like it was entirely bone. the light from my flashlight poured right through the gaps. as i followed the limb with my light to where it disappeared behind the tree i was horrified to see an animalistic skull staring back at me with empty eye sockets. I dropped the flashlight and ran as quickly as i could out of there. i slid down the muddy hill, cutting my leg on something sharp and bolted for the door as soon as i got my footing again, i locked the front door and went straight down to my room. i’ve been in here now for a few hours and i cant get back to sleep. the face of that thing is burnt into my mind. my sister is gonna be up soon and i need to wash all this blood off my leg so im going to go take a shower. that thing cant be real but why the fuck would my brain make something like that up. i need to check the woods later today to see if i can find that coyote.

[sandydoe]

[sandydoe]

Pandemonium by Kim Jakobsson

[sandydoe]

Etchings by Louis Joseph van Peteghem (Belgian, 1825-1900)

༄ Adagio In G Minor •  Tomaso Albinoni

[sandydoe]

Deer Eyes by CirseSabino

[sandydoe]

El baile en la candela (2018) - Guido Ricciardelli

[sandydoe]

7/20/2020 12:42 AM

So i decided to meet up with that girl who texted me and take her up on her offer after dancing around it for like a week. when sunday came around i just thought fuck it church is a sunday thing right? and just went for it. so we met up for coffee first at like 6am, worked for me since i dont really sleep that often anyways. Her name is Chris and holy shit i was just immediately blown away, shes one of the smartest people ive met, although to be honest thats not a hard bar to pass since ive spent about half my life in a mental ward. we basically just did some small talk hey nice to meet you im Sandy that kinda thing, turns out shes going to collage for like molecular biology which is nuts like how do you even begin to learn that shit. i told her i hadn’t finished highschool but i was thinking about getting my ged. which imean was a lie but like id like to at least like to look like i was trying. she was very nice about everything didnt once bring up the whole alleged child murder thing so like thats cool. an hour passed like nothing and we headed over to the church at 7. she drove. her car smelled like citrus, i think she had one of those air freshener things but i dont remember what kind it was. the ac was blasting and the whole car was immaculate, it was wierd, felt very sterile. anyway we got to the church and Chris introduced me to a few people, i dont remember any of them. just remember watching Chris like a lost puppy the whole time. we sat through service, it was all like fine i guess, dont really know what to say. Chris was kinda walking me through everything as we were going but communion was the one part that kinda stood out to me. it reminded me of waiting in line to take your pills at the ward. the wafer was very plain and the wine was bitter, now that im thinking about it thats the first alcohol ive ever had. anyway afterwards she drove me home, she asked me how it was, i said it was cool, she said to text her anytime i wanted to come with her to church, and that they do different little things all week not just on sunday, i told her i definitely would, she smiled and said she was looking forward to it. we said goodby and she left. i let out a breath i didn’t even know i was holding. Is that like normal? maybe i have anxiety or something.

[sandydoe]

Planet Earth II (2016) Episode 05 “Grasslands” Directed by Chadden Hunter

[sandydoe]

7/13/2020 1:20 AM

Got a text from a girl who says she used to be a classmate of mine, she heard I was back in town from a friend of hers and decided to invite me to come to her church sometime. I guess word spreads fast in a small town. I’m not like religious at all, neither was my family but my sister thinks it would be a good idea to go anyway. make some friends. church is about community right? and they have that whole ‘forgiveness’ thing going on. I don’t know, guess i’ll think about it 

[sandydoe]

7/8/2020 12:49 AM

Kay so I guess im just gonna put this all out there, not like I care anyway. My name is Sandy Doe. When I was 12 I was involved in the death of one of my classmates. Patty. I know that sounds sketchy as hell but im not like trying to cove my ass about it or anything. I honestly dont remember much at all of what happened, most of what i know comes from what people have told me. Apparently me and my friend Kaitlin ‘lured’ Patty into the woods after school and nobody really knows what exactly happened after that, me and Kaitlin came home, Patty didn’t. They found her body a few days later. She was floating in a pond and had a head injury. Everyone assumed it was an accident and that we didn’t tell anyone because we were scared, but when we got questioned Kaitlin told the police that we killed her. Again I barely remember anything about what happened, its been years, my therapist says ive repressed most of it so i cant tell you whats true. Either way the court decided it was second degree murder, me and Kaitlin got sent to different psychiatric hospitals, from what i hear Kaitlin got out early because shes progressed so well. I just got released earlier this year, im back home living with my sister in our old country house, dad died while i was away so its just me and her and her ten year old. I have to check in weekly with my therapist to make sure everything is going okay, which brings me to these diaries. My therapist suggested i start writing these because ive been having audio and visual hallucinations, she said it might help keep me grounded in reality. Of course she suggested i keep like an actual diary, like a book not like a blog but i thought this way i would be more likely to keep up with it, when i sit down on the computer i can tell myself not to fuck around till i write a diary entry. Idk hopefully it works.

[sandydoe]

7/7/2020 1:48 AM

I just woke up, decided i’d finally make this blog since my therapist has been suggesting i keep a diary to help ground myself. Thought why not, im not getting back to sleep anyway with those coyotes screaming bloody murder. I’ll type up a proper introduction tomorrow or whenever this throbbing headache goes away.