sapphicwriter-maya

[sapphicwriter-maya]

What Is “Soft Domming” and How to Do It?

╰┈➤ A Detailed Guide

Soft domming is a style of dominance rooted in care, emotional attunement, and subtle power dynamics. It emphasizes psychological control, gentle authority, and nurturing dominance over overt force or aggression. Unlike hard or sadistic domination, which can involve intense power exchanges and pain, soft domming is more about leading with tenderness, calm confidence, and emotional intelligence.

This article explores what soft domming is, the principles behind it, and how to practice it effectively and ethically—whether you’re new to BDSM or an experienced player expanding your dynamic range.

This article includes:

What Is Soft Domming?

Soft Domming vs. Hard Domming

How to Practice Soft Domming

Common Types of Soft Dom Scenes

Soft Dom Archetypes and Roleplay

Soft Domming in Long-Term Dynamics

Communication Tools for Soft Domming

Tools and Props That Support Soft Domming

Soft Domming and Submissive Archetypes

Integrating Soft Domming into Vanilla Life

Emotional Risks and Boundaries

Is Soft Domming Right for You?

Final Thoughts

1. What Is Soft Domming?

Soft domming refers to a style of dominance where the dominant partner maintains control in a scene or relationship, but does so in a gentle, emotionally supportive, and often affectionate way. It’s not about being passive—it’s about being in charge without needing to raise your voice or break someone down. Soft domming combines intention with emotional presence.

Key Traits of a Soft Dom:

• Calm, steady authority: The soft dom isn’t reactive or loud. They exude grounded confidence that makes the submissive feel secure and guided. This can include measured pacing in speech, calm handling of unexpected emotions, and an unwavering sense of “I’ve got you.”

• Empathy and emotional awareness: A soft dom pays close attention to how their partner is feeling moment to moment. They notice the smallest changes in body language, tone, and energy. They prioritize emotional feedback over technical performance.

• Nurturing and validating behavior: Affirmation and support are tools of control. A soft dom leads through encouragement, not criticism. This is especially important for submissives who are sensitive, new, or healing from past trauma.

• Non-verbal control (eye contact, tone, body language): A raised eyebrow, a soft touch, a pause before a sentence—these tools become power moves in soft domming. Eye contact alone can keep a submissive grounded and obedient.

• Affectionate language, even when giving commands: A soft dom uses language that is warm, inviting, and laced with care. This could mean giving orders in a whisper, with a smile, or framed as a favor being done out of love.

Soft doms often engage in aftercare-focused dynamics, emphasize verbal praise over degradation, and create a safe space where their submissive feels protected, seen, and guided. That doesn’t mean it lacks intensity—it just manifests differently, often in a quieter, more psychological way. In many cases, soft domming can evoke even deeper emotional surrender because it builds on safety and trust, not intimidation.

2.

Both are valid expressions of dominance. Some people blend elements of both. The important thing is consent, communication, and knowing what works for you and your partner(s). A soft dom might still use physical tools or protocols—but the intention behind them is different. Where a hard dom says “Obey me or suffer,” a soft dom says, “Obey me because you trust me—and you want to.”

3. How to Practice Soft Domming

1. Understand the Power You’re Holding

Soft domming is not passive. You’re still leading. You still set the tone, establish the boundaries, and guide the experience. The difference is how you do it—with softness, consistency, and care.

Start by asking yourself:

What kind of control do I want to offer?

What does my partner need to feel safe and submissive?

How can I create a space where they can let go?

A soft dom does not seek control for its own sake—they offer it as a structure for the submissive’s self-expression. That’s a core difference: a soft dom views control as a gift given to the submissive, not a right seized from them. This mindset frames the entire dynamic in a more relational, cooperative light.

The role of a soft dom often resembles a caretaker, mentor, or protective lover—someone who holds space for their submissive’s surrender without violating trust. Many soft doms take on a teaching role, especially in newer dynamics, patiently showing their partner how to give up control safely and enjoyably.

2. Set the Scene with Intention

Environment matters. Create a mood that invites trust and openness. This might involve dim lighting, soft music, clear communication about roles, and rituals that reinforce your connection (like kneeling, collaring, or phrases of affirmation).

Soft domming scenes benefit from clear beginnings and endings. This helps define the emotional arc and signals when to “drop in” and when to return to everyday roles. The more intentional the scene, the more your partner can relax into it.

Examples:

“Look at me while you breathe, just like that.”

“Good. You’re doing exactly what I need.”

“Let me take care of you tonight.”

These affirming statements are commands in disguise—gentle but directive. They keep the submissive grounded in the moment while reminding them who is in charge.

Rituals are especially useful in soft domming. Even small routines (like having your submissive wait quietly while you prepare a scene, or removing their jewelry as a sign of control) build a framework of consistent dominance without harshness. A nightly “yes, Sir” check-in or a morning collaring ritual can reinforce emotional connection and power dynamics outside of physical play.

3. Use Praise and Psychological Play

Soft doms often lean heavily on praise kinks and psychological dominance. Instead of breaking someone down, you build them up—controlling them by becoming the voice they want to please.

Phrases that work:

“You’re such a good girl/boy/pet.”

“I love how you give yourself to me.”

“Stay still for me. That’s perfect.”

The goal is to make your partner feel wanted, seen, and owned—without needing to scare or overwhelm them.

Praise is not just about ego-stroking. It becomes a tool of emotional conditioning. You’re shaping their behavior and deepening their trust by giving attention and affection for obedience, vulnerability, or devotion.

Advanced tactic: Mix praise with mild teasing or restraint.

╰┈➤ For example: “You’ve done so well—but not yet. Wait for my word.” (This uses affection to control pacing and anticipation.)

You can also use psychological play with consensual emotional vulnerability:

Ask them to confess a desire.

Encourage them to write or speak affirmations.

Have them journal about their submission, then read it to you.

Control their focus through grounding exercises (“Feel the floor beneath your knees. Good. Now give me your eyes.”)

4. Touch and Nonverbal Control

Soft domming is tactile. It’s about controlling pace, movement, and reactions through gentle touch—stroking hair, steadying hands, guiding with a fingertip. Eye contact, tone, and physical presence often speak louder than words.

Tactics:

Pulling a partner close and whispering a command.

Holding their face gently while giving instructions.

Slowing their breathing with yours.

You don’t need impact tools to dominate someone’s body. You just need presence and clarity. A hand on the back of their neck. A slow inhale followed by, “Now exhale with me.” Touch can be corrective, rewarding, grounding—or all three at once.

Body language should be intentional. Every gesture—where you place your hands, how you touch them, how you lead their body—should reinforce control while offering safety. It’s the dominance of reassurance.

Breath play in a very light and consensual form can even be part of soft domming—not in the sense of cutting air, but of guiding breath to build rhythm and trust: “Breathe with me. Good. Let go now.” You’re not taking their breath—you’re teaching them to feel it more deeply.

5. Be Attentive and Responsive

A good soft dom reads their partner moment to moment. You’re not just doing things to them—you’re doing things with them. Pay attention to body language, breathing, eye movement. Ask questions when needed. Stay attuned.

Soft doms often check in without breaking the scene, using subtle cues:

“Still with me?”

“Do you want more, or should I slow down?”

“Give me a word if you need to pause.”

This maintains safety without disrupting intensity.

Also consider incorporating verbal or visual safewords, especially if your dynamic emphasizes emotion over intensity. For example, “green/yellow/red” traffic light systems work well, or simply: “tap once for yes, twice for no.”

When in doubt, overcommunicate. A soft dom doesn’t guess—they ask. And then they listen.

6. Prioritize Aftercare

Soft dom dynamics often go deep emotionally. That makes aftercare non-negotiable. Whether you were stroking or spanking, your submissive may feel exposed, vulnerable, or overwhelmed.

Offer:

Water, cuddling, affirmations

Gentle grounding touch

Reassurance of safety and value

Time to decompress and talk

The dominant may also need aftercare—don’t neglect your own emotional well-being.

A soft dom might use aftercare to reinforce their presence and ownership: “You’re mine, and I’ll always take care of you.” It’s a continuation of the dynamic, not a break from it.

Consider discussing the scene afterward in a debrief, not as a critique but as a way to reinforce trust: “How did you feel when I said that?” or “Did anything surprise you tonight?”

4. Common Types of Soft Dom Scenes

Soft domming isn’t limited to one kind of dynamic. The emotional range is wide—romantic, parental, mentoring, spiritual, and sensual. Here are some popular soft dom scene types that reflect the variety of dynamics:

1. Guided Submission

The dominant guides the submissive through a series of instructions—simple, slow, and intentional—using voice and presence more than physical restraints. This can be a highly meditative experience.

Elements to include:

Verbal pacing (“Take off your shirt. Slowly. Good.”)

Breath synchronization

Eye contact as a command

Praise for each step

Gentle corrections without shame

This scene is ideal for submissives who enjoy focus, structure, and affirmation more than degradation or discipline.

2. Service-Oriented Domination

Service submission is where a submissive expresses devotion by serving the dominant in practical or ritualistic ways. A soft dom uses tone and structure to reinforce that this service is an act of love and obedience—not obligation.

Examples:

Preparing tea, folding laundry, or assisting with self-care

Ritual grooming (brushing hair, running a bath)

Massage with instructions and affirmations

Following a daily care or task list from the dom

A soft dom might say, “Polish my shoes for me—not because you have to, but because it’s how you show you’re mine.”

3. Emotional Edgeplay

This is the most delicate form of soft domming. The dom gently pushes the submissive to explore emotional vulnerabilities—desires, fears, insecurities—while holding a secure, affirming space.

Examples:

Confessional scenes (asking the sub to speak secrets or confessions while kneeling)

Writing scenes (journaling assignments with deep reflection)

Mirror scenes (having the sub speak self-love affirmations in front of a mirror while guided)

Warning: Emotional edgeplay requires advanced trust and strong communication. Only engage in this with a solid aftercare plan and clear emotional consent.

5. Soft Dom Archetypes and Roleplay

Not all soft doms look or act the same. There are many expressions of gentle dominance. Think in terms of energy and archetype.

Common Soft Dom Archetypes:

Caretaker Dom: Focuses on healing, support, and soothing. May use nurturing tasks like feeding, bathing, and cuddling.

Romantic Dom: Uses poetic, affectionate language. Highly sensual, attentive, and deeply emotionally invested.

Mentor Dom: Offers structure, growth, and wisdom. May help the submissive with personal goals, mindset training, or emotional development.

Elegant Dom: Composed, graceful, and subtle. Dominates through poise, gaze, and precision.

Protective Dom: Soft but firm. Prioritizes safety, security, and acts of shielding. Physically or emotionally stands between the sub and the world.

Roleplay Scenarios That Fit Soft Domming:

Teacher / Student: Encouraging performance, gently correcting mistakes, rewarding obedience.

Royal / Servant: Soft authority, quiet command, focused on protocol and devotion.

Boss / Assistant: Not aggressive—more like calm guidance, mentorship, “I know what’s best for you.”

Healer / Patient: Grounded in body care and surrender. Can involve consensual caretaking in a ritualized way.

Roleplay is a way to express fantasies while reinforcing the tone of the dynamic. For soft domming, roleplay often emphasizes reassurance, personal development, or romantic tension—not humiliation or punishment.

6. Soft Domming in Long-Term Dynamics

While soft domming is often discussed in the context of scenes, many couples build ongoing power exchange relationships based entirely or primarily on this dynamic.

These long-term D/s relationships can include:

Consistent rituals and rules that affirm the power exchange in daily life (e.g., bedtime rituals, meal prep tasks, honorifics like “Sir,” “Ma’am,” or custom titles).

Emotional leadership, where the dominant offers guidance in the submissive’s personal or professional life with care and intentionality.

Long-term service tasks that provide the submissive with a sense of purpose and devotion.

Relationship coaching-style dominance, where the dom helps the sub achieve their goals by using encouragement, structure, and emotional accountability.

In this context, soft domming becomes a blend of dominance, life coaching, and gentle authority. It’s not about micromanaging—it’s about curating a lifestyle of support and erotic control.

7. Communication Tools for Soft Domming

Clear, compassionate communication is a hallmark of soft dominance. Here are some techniques that strengthen emotional safety and deepen connection:

Active Listening

Soft doms listen with their full attention. They mirror their partner’s words, offer empathy, and respond with care—even in disagreement.

Open-Ended Questions

Instead of “Do you like that?” try:

“What are you feeling right now?”

“What does this make you think about?”

“What do you need more of to feel safe?”

Tone Framing

Soft doms pay attention not just to what they say, but how they say it. A command in a calm, low voice lands very differently than the same words barked out.

Emotional Check-In Rituals

Establish regular moments where both partners can step outside the dynamic and reflect. Example prompts:

“How are you feeling about our dynamic this week?”

“Is there anything I could do differently to support you?”

“Do you feel loved and seen right now?”

8. Tools and Props That Support Soft Domming

Soft domming doesn’t always involve impact play, but some tools can complement the dynamic if used with care and intention:

Silk or leather cuffs for light restraint—focus is on containment, not struggle.

Blindfolds to heighten sensory focus and trust.

Feathers, soft brushes, or fingertips for sensory teasing and control

Vibrators or temperature play used while commanding your partner’s reactions.

A voice recorder (for recorded affirmations or commands they listen to when apart).

The key is not what the tool is—but how it’s used. The dom’s voice and presence remain the most powerful instruments in soft domming.

9. Soft Domming and Submissive Archetypes

Different submissives respond differently to soft domination. Here are some sub types that often pair well with this style:

The Romantic

They crave closeness, compliments, and feeling emotionally safe. They bloom under affection and poetic language.

The Caregiver Sub

They enjoy nurturing and domestic service and respond well to doms who appreciate and structure their efforts.

The Anxious Sub

They may have past trauma or fear around intense domination. They need stability, repeated reassurance, and warm authority.

The Praise Addict

They crave validation and emotional reward. Responds well to verbal encouragement, structured goals, and being noticed.

Soft domming isn’t one-size-fits-all—but understanding your submissive’s core needs helps you shape the tone of your dominance effectively.

10. Integrating Soft Domming into Vanilla Life

Not all soft doms are “in scene” all the time. Many couples incorporate the energy of soft domming into everyday interactions without formal BDSM sessions.

Examples:

Offering calming instructions during stress: “Pause. Take a breath. Look at me.”

Providing praise after difficult tasks: “You did that beautifully. I’m proud of you.”

Using rituals for intimacy: “Kneel in front of me before bed. Let me hold you.”

The power dynamic doesn’t disappear outside the bedroom—it just adapts to context. These moments reinforce the emotional bond and trust that soft domming thrives on.

11. Emotional Risks and Boundaries

Soft domming often goes deep. It builds strong attachment and emotional intimacy. That’s its power—but also its risk.

Potential Challenges:

Over-attachment: Submissives may idealize the dom as a savior or emotional caretaker.

Burnout for the dom: Holding space for someone else 24/7 emotionally can be draining, especially without reciprocation or breaks.

Blurry boundaries: Gentle dynamics can blur the line between kink and vanilla intimacy. It’s important to define what’s play and what’s relationship.

Unacknowledged emotional manipulation: When affection is used to subtly control without clarity or consent, it crosses a line.

How to Protect Against These:

Establish regular check-ins about emotional tone.

Define the boundary between dom/sub roles and “regular life.”

Encourage the submissive’s autonomy outside of submission.

Dom and sub both should maintain a self-care routine outside of the relationship.

Soft domming isn’t easier—it’s just a different kind of emotional labor. It requires ethical self-awareness and mutual respect.

12. Is Soft Domming Right for You?

Soft domming is ideal for:

Partners who crave emotional connection as much as (or more than) physical intensity

Submissives who feel unsafe with aggressive energy

Relationships built on caregiving, structure, or mentorship

People interested in blending intimacy and eroticism, without cruelty or humiliation

Doms who enjoy service, romance, or teaching roles

But remember: soft domming still involves power exchange. It’s not “just being nice.” It’s about intentional leadership with care.

And soft domming can absolutely include intensity—it can involve edging, restraint, orgasm control, or even tears—just held inside a container of kindness and safety.

13. Final Thoughts

Soft domming is about commanding with care, leading with love, and holding space for vulnerability. It requires maturity, patience, and empathy—but offers profound rewards: trust, depth, and intense emotional connection.

Whether in a short scene or long-term dynamic, soft domming is not about being less—it’s about being deliberate. You’re not giving up power. You’re mastering it.

In the right hands, soft dominance can make someone feel not just aroused—but cherished. Not just owned—but understood. It’s not about whispering instead of shouting—it’s about choosing your words like silk gloves instead of steel cuffs.

[sapphicwriter-maya]

Hello! I'm a lesbian who's a virgin and will be getting fucked soon enough, (I am off age, please do not worry), how should I go about making a girl cum? I'm very worried my girlfriend wouldn't be satisfied with me during those sessions and want to make sure she'll be pleasured to the point of her legs shaking and js, you know what I mean, could you give me some advice? Thank you !!

hey, love!

my number one piece of advice, always, is to communicate with your partner!!

everyone likes this slightly different, and communication is not just important, but can be really hot.

asking things like "do you like that?" or "do you like it when I xyz" is a really simple way to check, without killing the mood.

naturally, there are things that tend to be universal. clitoral stimulation is probably your best bet, to make her cum. let her tell you what feels good, and honestly, don't get in your head about it.

think about what feels good for you, anatomically. start there, and fill in the blanks as you go!

oh, and importantly: don't rush. foreplay is absolutely essential for good sex! there's even been a study done about it!! tease your partner. frankly, making them ask for what they want might be an easy way for you to make her feel good without seeming too nervous!

tldr; foreplay, clitoral stimulation (not always even necessary, but a sure-fire method) and good communication are all you need xx

[sapphicwriter-maya]

in honour of my potential return to tumblr... ask away x

I love the emoji ask games, but I couldn't find one nearly as long as I'd hoped it would be, so I made my own one. Feel free to reblog to see what your followers think of you <3 It's a mix of SFW and NSFW.

💌 - You live too far away from me

💘 - You're so pretty

💝 - You're so handsome

❤️ - I think we should meet up

❤️‍🩹 - I think you need therapy

🎮 - I want to play video games with you but I'm too nervous to ask

💛 - I love your energy

🖤 - I don't know whether I want to punch you or make out with you

💍 - Marry me.

😈 - I'd let you use all your kinks on me

😚 - I despise you

🫣 - I have a crush on you but I'd never admit it off anon

💕 - You're my favourite mutual

👅 - I want to fight you

🍇 - You scare me but I like it

🍑 - I want to see your nudes so badly but I'm too scared to ask

👢 - Step on me please

🍓 - I think you're the sweetest angel on this app

🌈 - You're super gay (yay)

☔️ - You're super gay (ew)

💧 - If you ever deactivate I'm going to cry

🎆 - I want to be closer with you

🫂 - I wish I could hug you at least once

🎀 - I want you to be my valentine every year

🧸 - I wish I were one of your teddies (yes, I mean this in a creepy way)

⚽️ - I want to kick this ball at your head

🪩 - I want to go to a club with you

🔪 - I'd help you kill someone

🤓 - You're the biggest nerd in existence (I find it hot)

🫠 - You make me melt whenever we interact

😍 - I want you to be my first time

🐛 - You're short

💐 - Here's a bouquet because you're amazing

🥀 - Here's a dying rose because I'm a secret hater

🐇 - You're so cute it gives me cuteness aggression

🐴 - I'd pay a lottt of money to ride you

🕊 - You're really gentle, and it makes me feel safe with you

🐝 - If I were a bee I'd sting you and die happy

🍻 - I want to get drunk with you

🧁 - I bet you taste amazing

🍆 - You have BDE

☕️ - I want to sit on a porch and drink tea/coffee with you

🌚 - You need more sleep

🛸 - I wish I could abduct you

🪱 - Yes, I'd still love you if you were a worm

🤭 - It's insane how much you make me blush

🍀 - You're my personal lucky charm

💋 - I really want to kiss you

🗣 - I like the way you talk on your blog

🐈 - If you were a stray cat I'd take you home with me

🪼 - I'm in awe of you and if you ever interacted with me I'd scream

🥧 - Here's a warm pie, because you deserve a delicious warm pie.

🌅 - I want to watch the sunrise/sunset with you

🎡 - If we were at the top of a ferris wheel together I'd push you off

⚓️ - You give amazing advice

☁️ - You help my anxiety lessen, and I always feel calm around you, even online

🏘 - You're my favourite mutual

🛻 - Why don't you have your license yet?

🎨 - You're so beautiful somebody should paint you

🚩 - You're a walking red flag

🏳 - You're the biggest green flag I've ever seen (pretend it's green)

🏁 - You help me finish

🚭 - I want to smoke with you

🪭 - I'm just silent fan of your blog

🎶 - You have great music taste

🍯 - You're a good girl/good boy

🙊 - I could spend hours talking to you

[sapphicwriter-maya]

thinking about making her watch me ride the strap, before she ever gets to try it. seeing the wet patch on her underwear grow 😏

"be a good girl and get the strap for me, hm?"

"oh, and a pair of your underwear. something light, white or grey."

"tsk, why is not something you need to know right now, baby."

"good. now take off your underwear. aw, so wet for me already?"

she bends over to take off her black underwear and I take the opportunity to slide my fingers inside her, getting them wet before I make her clean them off with her tongue.

"good girl, now put on the grey ones. beautiful. now, put on the strap."

she turns to me, confused. I just wait, and once she does as I ask, direct her to sit.

"I'm gonna give you a good show, baby. I like the way you squirm, with that pretty little wet patch between your legs."

[sapphicwriter-maya]

my girl has been on holidays in another country for nearly a month, and let me tell you I have plans for when I see her again.

plans to pin her against the door the second we get home and kiss her so filthy that she's wet before I've even touched her

plans to slide a bullet vibe inside her but make her wear the strap on top so I can ride her

plans to not let her cum until I have, or until she's so desperate that she's begging the way she knows I love

plans to then overstimulate her until she's begging in a very different way, telling me it's too much

oh, the plans are endless

[sapphicwriter-maya]

the gf and I are finally buying a strap 🤭

[sapphicwriter-maya]

everyone who has ever experienced Agatha All Along needs to go read "my boy builds coffins" on ao3

mandatory reading.

[sapphicwriter-maya]

I just thought it'd be funny to mention that I am now a masc, dating a masc 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

YES I AM A FEMME AND YES MY TYPE IS FEMMES

(in other words, femmes come say hi please?)

(and then you can text/send anons to me about how you'd like to rail me into your mattress)

[sapphicwriter-maya]

update: my fwb is now my girlfriend

lol.

[sapphicwriter-maya]

hiii, its me again :3

except its not for advice this time, i have a question about asexuality !

i thought that asexual meant you dont want anything to do with sex, or at least, you dont fantasize about it. when for example my friend whos asexual says she doesnt want anybody touching her ever.

now im finding out about asexual people who think about, want sex and have sex... im just curious to know how that works, and how you know you're still asexual? im sorry if this comes across as mean or like im doubting you or something i promise im not i just want to hear an explanation from somebody who's asexual and not off of google !! 😭

- 🐈

hey, sweet thing!

I'm always happy to explain my experiences as an ace person 😘

The thing about asexuality that most people don't understand is that it refers to sexual attraction, specifically. What this means is that an ace person doesn't see another person's body as sexually attractive.

I've heard it said that sexual attraction is essentially what gives sexual desire direction. You can be aroused without having seen a sexy person but once you see them, their "sexiness" is a big contributing factor to whether you sleep with them.

For me, I feel sexual desire but the factors that push me to have sex are different. I typically sleep with people I like and I find aesthetically attractive. Also, I find sounds, words and power plays quite sexy (just not bodies).

Some ace people are what we call "sex-repulsed", meaning they want nothing to do with sex. They don't masturbate, they don't fantasise and they don't have sex.

Ace people fall at all kinds of points on this spectrum. The only defining thing about asexuality is that we don't get hot and bothered at the sight of a "sexy" person.

tldr; asexuality is defined by a lack of sexual attraction, not a complete lack of arousal and desire xx

[sapphicwriter-maya]

I wore a suit today...

she told me after she saw me in it, she went home and touched herself to the thought of me fucking her 👀

[sapphicwriter-maya]

feeling silly and goofy bc I just had my first one night stand haha

[sapphicwriter-maya]

Hiiii so I need advice

If you don’t feel like sharing or if it’s not something you’re comfortable discussing, it’s perfectly okay to just ignore this.

sooooo I like this person, we’ve been “talking” for about 8 ish months(before you say anything! We are long distance😭) and I really like them but I’m 99.9 percent certain they only view me as a friend and I’m so scared to tell them I like them because I don’t want to ruin things.

(I give them a lot of compliments and make it very clear that I have feelings for them almost too clear. However, it seems like those feelings aren't reciprocated, which leads me to believe they don't feel the same way about me.)

~🐬

hiya, sweetheart!

I love that I've become a little advice guru for my nonnies.

I have to say, my advice on this one varies a little, depending on what you expect to happen.

I'm usually full force, completely in favour of open communication. in this case though, I wonder what you think would be helpful about telling them.

if you think they already know, and think they don't feel the same, what's driving you to tell them? it's hard to say what the best way forward is here.

there's a chance that telling them doesn't change anything, and just clears the air.

there's simultaneously a chance that telling them makes your friendship a lot more awkward, instead.

I don't know enough about your situation to tell you what to do, sweetheart. I just suggest that you explore your options, and decide which one will leave you, and them, feeling the best.

[sapphicwriter-maya]

helloo i got an update!!

i got the courage last night to ask her if we can slow down a little and she was really understanding :D

the advice is really helpful im gonna ask her if we can impliment the traffic light system i feel like thats gonna be really helpful for the both of us

thank you again !!

- 🐈

so proud of you, sweet thing! I'm so glad she was understanding. happy I could help, too😘😘

you, and any frankly anyone who needs a bit of advice or encouragement, are more than welcome to come ask anytime xx

[sapphicwriter-maya]

heyy, so i need advice 😭

i have a girlfriend now, and we're long distance. its important to note that im a virgin and ive never done anything sexual with anybody in my whole life. we like sext and stuff and im okay with that (she makes me go feral), but the second she says something suggestive on call i freeze up and i have no idea what to say. like i AM turned on but i cant find the confidence to respond and voice what im thinking about. i feel like i need to ask her to slow down a little but i feel like thats stupid to say since we already say all of that just over text... i want to make her happy and all but IDK WHATS WRONG WITH ME

like today she told me over call that she touched herself while i was screensharing a show we like while thinking about me, and i got unbelievably turned on when she said that but i froze up and lowkey freaked out and i have no idea why. i love her so much and i want to please her in any way i can so i will be happy if you see this since i know you're more experienced in this field than i am.

what do you think i should do?

- 🐈

hi, my little kitty!

first off, congrats on the girlfriend! I'm excited for you x

I'm honoured you came to me for advice, angel. my best advice is to talk to your girlfriend, love. trying new things sexually, online or otherwise, can be very vulnerable! it's okay to not be ready for things.

try to talk to her about it before a sexual setting arises, it might help you to articulate your feelings without freezing up as much. but at the end of the day, it's important that you tell her if you're uncomfortable with anything she's doing at the time, as well.

if your girlfriend has any issue with going at your pace, then she doesn't deserve to have you at all. I'm sure she's wonderful and I'm sure she'll be perfectly understanding, but do not jeopardise your personal boundaries to please her.

if eventually you feel like progressing things over a call, instead of text, then having her know your boundaries will be really important! you can even try using a safeword system, if you like. I find that traffic lights are really helpful, because you can "yellow" or even "red" as soon as you're uncomfortable and find the words to articulate why, later.

I hope this helps, sweetheart! let me know how it goes, and if you gave any other questions xx

I'm proud of you 😘

[sapphicwriter-maya]

my fwb has been gone for three days and I'm twitching

when she gets back, best believe I'm going to wreck her

[sapphicwriter-maya]

never ceases to horrify me, the number of people who don't respect safe words.

everyone listen to luce, she's so right

Hey so i saw this tik rok the other day, and the mistress was talking about like first sade word is not a safe word they just got scared and used it. They don't mean it. And she's a PROFESSIONAL Dom that teaches others and she said she taught everyone the same. Is it an actual thing people do? Because if someone does that to me I'll get a panic attack???? Like do people actually ignore the first safe word

Hello, darling vollyval!

Okay. No. That professional Dom/me sounds terrible. Any genuine person in the k!nk community knows that a safe word is a safe word, period. Consent is consent. "Safe, sane, and consensual", or SSC, is the motto of the community.

Everything stops immediately upon the use of a safe word, and anyone who says otherwise is unsafe to play with. It's called a safe word for a reason. And your reason for using it never has to be "justified". There are no instances where you cannot use it.

A position is making your leg cramp? Safeword.

You need to pee? Safeword.

You don't want to continue with a scene anymore? Safeword.

Anxious about something? Safeword.

Unsure about something? Safeword.

The point of a safeword is so that a scene immediately comes to an end (or pause, depending on the nature of the safeword used). For example, with the stop light system: Green is an enthusiastic go, keep going, everything's fine. Yellow/orange is slow down, check in, we need to talk about something. Red is stop. Simple as that. A safe word is the revoke of consent, whether that is to completely end the scene, or hit pause.

What's ever more important, is the communication that comes after the use of a safe word.

In short, a safe word must be taken seriously the moment it is uttered. It's there for a reason. It makes zero sense that it's ignored the first time, and that mentality is dangerous and disrespectful.