sarangbe

[sarangbe]

"that's not true, ren." sarang doesn't want to try and convince his ex that he's the more hated or disliked of the two, because this isn't a competition, but he hopes to frame things in a manner that isn't stark black and pure white. "even if it were true and everyone did like me, i would wager that most of those people don't really know me, so the depth of their fondness is superficial." honestly speaking, he finds this good practice for his future celebrity lifestyle. his fans will claim to love him, adore him, and will wish for his happiness, but they'll never know who he truly is as a person. all they'll see is beauty, and sparkle, and smiles. they'll convince themselves that he's genuinely that simple and that's all it'll take for them to fan his glittering flame.

little do they know though, he's just as flawed as they are, and that level of ignorance will have him put on a pedestal regardless of his struggles or imperfections. it's a cruel cycle if you think about it, but all he can do now is hold his head high and rise above. that's part of why he's here with ren right now. aside from any ulterior motive to keep him around, sarang thinks it would be good for them to remain some level of friends. they have a lot they can learn from one another, even if their romantic chemistry isn't always in line.

it's then when his apology is met with a question, one that takes him a little by surprise, but also reveals information that he didn't have before. he remembers the night they broke up, but he was in such a rare state of emotional intensity that his usually composed verbiage was overtaken by comments meant to cause harm. hurt people hurt people, as they say. clearly, this comment has lived with ren ever since that night and sarang feels terrible for adding to the voices that spiral within his ex's head. he knows there's plenty of them, and that basically all of them are unkind.

the server shows up to place their drinks down and once they retreat, sarang poises himself to speak once more; grateful for the few extra seconds to gather his thoughts, as well as the first big gulp to help ease the tension. "first of all, i'm sorry that i said that. in that moment especially, i was lacking better judgment and felt hurt by you, so i wanted to hurt you in return." admitting it causes the hair on his nape to stand tall, but he shakes it off as best he can. "i wish i would've had the mind to tell you that i wish it was easier for you to receive love, to see yourself how i, and everyone who loves you, sees you, even if it goes against everything that you believe about yourself."

he pauses, then takes another drink. "you are lovable, ren. i'm not sure if i was, or am, the right person to speak to your love language like that, but regardless, i'm sorry for making you feel as though you're not ready for love, or that you're not lovable, because that isn't true. neither of those things are true."

"it's not about who releases it, it's about him releasing it."

he knows he is being excessively petty, self-destructive even, lingering on a rivalry that was, in theory, squashed several months ago. perhaps it would have remained that way if the playing field had actually been levelled, if there had been a handshake and a reconciliation somewhere in public, where the world could agree the only beef they'd share from now on would be on a tabletop grill at a local barbecue spot. but between the billboards and the senior monitoring and the targeted ads and the comments on his social media posts, ren cannot escape siwoo, or his now validated superiority complex. and it only serves to make his already frayed nerves resemble exposed live wires even more.

"you wouldn't get it," he adds, not nearly with as much ire as he tries, and fails, to fabricate when addressing sarang directly, "everybody likes you."

it's such a bizarre, almost indescribable feeling, being in such close proximity with someone he once, potentially, loved and now, potentially, loathes. he is usually so keen on quashing his own fatalism, but now he leans into it, even when making eye contact with sarang still causes that odd fluttering feeling in his chest.

he orders the same soju cocktail, only because he can't be bothered to think of anything else or to be seen doing something as invested as reading the menu. and anyway, something sweet will make it easier to get drunker faster, and he can stop thinking so hard about all the things that make him miserable. he hasn't figured out how to tell his therapist about this newfound coping mechanism just yet. someday, maybe.

sarang fills the space between them with verbiage, like he's so good at. ren lets his words hang somewhere in the middle, suspended in a limbo between being heard and being ignored. it's all honeyed compliments and permanent flirtation, the usual recipe for disaster that he coaxes up so easily from within.

but then he utters what sounds like a genuine apology, which causes ren to look up from where he let his gaze fall on the edge of sarang's shoulder, a glint in his eyes clearing away the fugue state that clouded them a moment before. his scowl doesn't melt away, but there is something behind it other than annoyance now, a thoughtfulness as he contemplates the motive behind sarang's words.

"did you mean it when you said i'm not 'ready to be loved?'"

blunt. unyielding. to the point. let's see you talk your way out of this one.

[sarangbe]

there's a softness to leean that sarang noticed in their messages, but now that he's witnessing it in person, he can't help but find it all the more charming. the way he smiles, the manner in which he speaks, the compliments that he gives—they're all delivered in a way that's delicate and simple. leean doesn't need to say a lot of words to get his point across. it's a different vibe, but one that sarang thinks he can get into. after all, that's the most thrilling part about getting involved with a new man: discovering who he is and learning everything about him.

sure, he realizes that some, especially his female friends, may view his deep intrigue with the same-sex as something flawed. are men really that interesting? do they even deserve the attention? all that is up for debate, but sarang can't really help himself. they get his heart rate up in a way that drives him a little crazy, and that's precisely what happens when leean calls him pretty, then beautiful. it's a massive hit of dopamine, one that's more complicated than it seems, but he chooses to bask in its glow regardless—lapping up each word as if they're his lifeblood.

"well, i appreciate you taking the time to make sure everything is safe for me," he muses, grinning. "i genuinely don't think i'm going to be good at this, but doing it means i get to be close to you, so... it's worth a shot, in my opinion." his vulpine gaze dons an impish gleam, his knee bumping against leean's. "sure! we can give it a go. though, if i fall, you have to promise to catch me. i'd hate for my knees to get scraped..." any blemish on his skin would cause him to wilt. it's pathetic, but it's true.

standing from his seat, he looks over to leean and smiles. "you're sweet for all the compliments, by-the-way. trust me, the feelings are definitely mutual." turning his attention to the board, he's hesitant to step on it without support, so he waits to be guided. "you're focusing on dancing, right?" that's what sarang's gathered from their conversations, but he hopes he isn't misremembering. "that's what i'm getting into right now, too. maybe that's something we can do together sometime? i'm trying to teach myself tutting and waacking. i'm actually getting pretty good at it, to be honest!"

he's focused on his task at hand; making sure everything on the board is tightened. he didn't want anything to happen and leean was always careful about these things. truth be told, leean never did any tricks, really. that was something that was entirely too dangerous, especially when dancing is so important, and he's trying to become an idol. so, he really just rode around on it, not actually doing much. but, hey, it was still skateboarding, wasn't it? and he could do the tricks, it just really wasn't worth it right now.

leean wasn't even paying attention, truthfully. not until he felt a nudge on his shoulder, making him raise a bit of a brow. he looks over, his face softening once he saw sarang sitting there. though, truthfully, he's a bit speechless seeing the other in person. he's gorgeous, he's beautiful, and he looks just like a model. he couldn't help but to have his breath taken away. though, his ears go red at the compliment given to him. "hi, pretty," he says, leaning in a bit closer to the other and smiling softly at him. though, he pulls away, lips staying in the soft smile. "i've got a thinking face, huh?" he asked.

leean finished up tightening the board, putting his tool away - just so he can focus on sarang now. his eyes going back to look at the beauty in front of himself; a beauty that aphrodite would seemingly be jealous of. he shook his head, "i've only been here a few minutes. i wanted to get here early, just so i can make sure everything was good to go," he says, before he's placing the board down upon the ground; his right foot settling on top of it. he smirks a bit, "your hair does look nice," leean says. "however, even if it was messy, i think it would still look really nice," he says. "i think, no matter what, you'd still be really beautiful," this time, his words a bit soft, a smirk glistening on his lips.

"did ya wanna take it for a spin?" he asked the other, eyes still staying upon him. though, he moves to look upon his skateboard now. "i can teach you the basics," he states. "though, i don't really do tricks. at least, not anymore. that's too dangerous for the things i wanna focus on."

[sarangbe]

[sarangbe]

yeom sarang is multi-talented and multi-faceted. even if he's never tried something before, somehow and someway, he's able to glitter so marvelously while doing it that he makes a good impression. ever the quick learner, he has a knack for picking up new tricks with an easy swiftness. however, this only happen when he puts his whole mind and heart into something. if he has no care in the subject or finds it boring, it'll go completely neglected. if it resonates with him enough, his natural confidence gifts him with the ability to gracefully develop many new talents. today, simply because of his intrigue in another man, he's going to take a crack at skateboarding.

now, he won't lie, he would never choose to do this in his downtime. he's terrified of getting hurt and he's never truly been a fan of outdoor activities. that being said, there's a guy he met recently that he's really trying to impress, and it just so happens that he enjoys kick-pushing his way around the city. even if sarang ends up being bad at this, he knows that going forward with it will give him many opportunities to woo his date. if not with an unlocked proficiency for the skateboard, then definitely with his adorability and charm.

upon arrival, he spots leean immediately. their conversations have been fun on grindr, so all he can hope is that the chemistry will continue even in person. making a beeline toward him, he takes the seat beside him on the bench he's sitting on, then nudges him with his shoulder; the delicious notes of apricot and white musk from his cologne sweetening the air around them. "hi, you," his voice is a delicate singsong lilt. "your thinking-face is so cute."

it's like him to start off with an obvious compliment, but he couldn't help himself. he witnessed leean fixing up his board from afar, so the vision of the other's expression is fresh in his mind. "you haven't been waiting here for too long, have you? i was trying to make sure my hair looked extra good for you, so i'm sorry that i'm a little late..." he's beaming, curious as to how the rest of their afternoon is going to go.

one thing's for certain, though. leean is absolutely gorgeous in person. it isn't exactly a surprise, but experiencing him here in the flesh is far superior than being confined to their phones.

kickflip ⏤ for @sarangbe !

he had made his way to the skateboard, riding his board along as he usually did. he wanted to make sure to get their earlier, just so he could be there for sarang. he almost was a bit surprised that sarang wanted to come to the skate park, truth be told; he wasn't entirely sure it was something the other would actually be in to. but, it was kind of cool - someone wanting to experience something like this that he enjoys. usually, it was just the people coming into the skate shop that he was really bonding over skating with. it never seemed to be the really pretty boys like sarang who were interested in giving it a shot.

truth be told, leean almost didn't think sarang was real at first; in some sort of way. seeing him on grindr, he thought for sure that it was a whole set up; someone was pretty as him matching with him and talking to him. there had to be loads of people throwing themselves all over sarang, right? guess he just got lucky; leean was always someone who seemingly had a bit of luck on his side, so he couldn't really complain all that much. yet, still, he didn't believe sarang was truly real until he started to get photos and the such - it was quite nice, really.

nonetheless, he had made his way there, stopping himself in his tracks. he kicked the board up, before moving to go sit down upon a bench. he takes out his little tool, making sure to tighten everything up - just so it was nice and safe for the other. he had to be careful, right? make a good first in person impression, didn't he? he wasn't really necessarily nervous, but his usual cool looking exterior kind of couldn't help but to have that little bit of dweeb-y smile as thinks about meeting sarang in person. something he does his best to really just shake off a bit.

[sarangbe]

𝒃𝒖𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒈𝒖𝒎-𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒓𝒂𝒓𝒊— 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒉, 𝒊'𝒎 𝒔𝒐 𝒃𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒚

a solo written in 710 words. highlighting 𝒅𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈.

so the results are in. if he wants to continue training at sr media, he needs to hone his talent. turns out, being beautiful and engaging on stage isn't all that's needed to excel in this career path, and while that may be simple and obvious to some, ever since he got signed, he figured he could lean almost completely on his beauty while the others made up for his lack of musical prowess. he'll be a part of a group, after all. everyone will likely have their own defined role. if there are main and lead vocalists, rappers, and dancers, then why does he need to put effort into becoming proficient in any category? in his mind, he's always been the one that stands center in formation, beaming bright, and to him, that's a talent in and of itself.

however, for some peculiar and inane reason, it never dawned on him that he could be stunning, and talented; that both things can coexist in one vessel. if he can harness them all at once, he'll be unstoppable. he'll prove to his company that he's not just all sparkle, and that he, indeed, possesses a fiery work ethic, as well—like seo ran suggested to him. so, in order to revitalize his energy, sarang decided to teach himself some choreography that he found online. it's fast paced, powerful, alluring, and it allows him to work more on improving his novice waacking and tutting skills.

in other words, it's perfect.

he's been working at it all week long, even staying late sometimes to pour extra time into his arm, wrist, and finger isolations. this dance is so detailed and precise, but also quick in motion, so not nailing every single flourish will look extremely messy. what's more is that, for the first time in months, he doesn't find himself bored, uninspired, and wistful. instead, sarang has been enjoying seeing himself evolve into someone more multi-faceted. not to mention that, over the last several months, he's been taking aerial pilates classes to further strengthen himself. through learning this choreography, he's finally noticing the positive impacts its had on his body.

now that he's even more limber and strong, he's in touch with his physique in a totally different way. it makes dancing feel even better. when he feels like he's got every motion locked tightly into his muscles, sarang sets his phone up to record himself. there's a confidence about him as a he stands before the camera, one that's always been there, but now in a more assured way, and when the music kicks off, he locks in.

what challenges him about 'vroom vroom' is the fact that he's always struggled adding power to his moves, and this choreography forces him to do a lot of that. his frame has a softer touch to it, one that lends itself to grace, and clean alignments, but it doesn't exactly pack a punch when the mood calls for it. here, he can still possess that stereotypical feminine glamor that's become his signature, while also applying necessary tension for better dynamics.

his hard work is showcased as he dances. every line created with his arms, wrists, and fingers is immaculate. it's over before he realizes it, and he rushes over to his phone to watch his first take. he's still not as powerful as he'd like to be, so he now knows he needs to continue working on that. he wonders if it's because he's also paying a lot of attention to his expressions. that said, he has a specific style that he's discovering, one that makes good use of his curvature. sarang knows this will set him apart from the rest. he just hopes that he'll be able to weaponize it. there's no telling what the future concept will be.

wanting to keep trying, he sets himself up to record another take, then another, and another after that, until eventually he's been at it for many hours. exhaustion takes over, so he decides to stop, but this type of tiredness feels so good to him, and by the end of his evening, he's genuinely really glad with his advancements. now, he's looking forward to how much better he can get tomorrow and onward.

[sarangbe]

RENEWAL, MAY 2025.

the morning of the day your contract is set to expire passes uneventfully. it’s at the very beginning of your lunch break that one of sr media’s staff pulls you aside and asks you to follow him. 

the path you take is different this time – not to the familiar conference rooms of your last contract renewals. instead, he guides you to an elevator that takes you to an unfamiliar floor you’re certain trainees don’t usually have access to.

you eventually arrive in front of a door with a tag that reads, “SEO RAN, CEO.” 

the staff member knocks twice, then opens the door, motioning for you to head inside.

seo ran waits at an imposing looking desk, chair already set across from her, waiting for you to sit. it’s just her – no familiar lawyer waiting to walk you through the terms of a new contract. the door closes behind you with an imposing click.

when you take a seat, she sighs, “sarang,” in a way that is somehow both exasperated and fond. “we’ve come a long way together, haven’t we?” the question is clearly rhetorical, and doesn’t feel as sentimental as it sounds. it feels more like a warning.

“and yet…” she taps her nails against her desk in thought. “i’ll be frank. your improvement has not met sr media’s standards. we don’t expect you to be perfect as you train, but we do expect consistent growth. consistent effort.” she lets that word in particular hang in the air.

“we love working with you here, and you wouldn’t have won next gen if we didn’t all believe you have what it takes to be a superstar. however, your star quality cannot do all the work. eventually it falls to you, and your work ethic and dedication are what really concern me.”

she pauses for another moment, eyes boring into yours. “if you find the balance between charm and work ethic, nothing will be able to stop you. as it is now, however, you are relying a little too much on that charm to get you through training. you need to understand that won’t cut it here. even if you were the most charming man in the world, i would take the 10th most charming if it meant knowing he’d truly dedicate himself to his work and what we’re building at sr media. you are special, sarang. there’s no doubt about that. but you aren’t so special that you can’t be replaced. so let’s not waste each other’s time.”

she pulls a packet out of a manilla folder on her desk, then turns her attention back to you. “i’m offering you a 3-month probationary contract. this is the information you need to know, so please read it over carefully,” she says, passing the papers to you. “if you show enough improvement in the next three months, we can extend your contract. if not, or if you decide you don’t want to continue with us, you’ll no longer be an sr media trainee, and you’ll be free to pursue whatever your heart desires.”

she smiles softly at you again. “i would be happy to sign another longer contract with you if you meet our standards in the next three months, and i hope you do. i personally think it would be a shame for you not to debut. we have seen a lot of wonderful things from you here. we’ve seen your sparkle, but now we need to see your fire. okay?”

it’s another rhetorical question. she doesn’t wait for any response from you. instead, she motions toward the papers once more. “take that with you and think it over. whenever you’ve come to a decision, let any of our staff know you’re ready to speak to mr. kim, and they’ll guide you through what to do.”

with one more smile and nod, she says, “that’s all. please return to your lessons.”

OOC:

congratulations on being offered to extend your trainee contract with sr media…but there’s a catch!

you may want to refresh yourself on the sr media probationary contract. this is a 90-day contract and opportunity for your muse to prove themselves. if their dedication and growth meets sr media’s standards over the next 90 days, they’ll earn the opportunity to extend their contract. if it doesn’t, they won’t be offered a new contract, and will no longer be an sr media trainee.

should your muse decide to accept the contract, please send the following to the sr media blog no later than 11:59pm on june 7th, 2025:

I, YEOM SARANG, HAVE READ AND AGREE TO ABIDE BY ALL TERMS OF THIS CONTRACT.

if you plan to reject the contract, please submit your decision to the sr media blog by the same time.

[sarangbe]

(video by kimfox0624)

[sarangbe]

𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒍𝒂𝒏 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈 ?

a solo written in 860 words. for the 𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒎𝒂 𝒂𝒖𝒅𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 event.

while he's convinced that he's practically one of the only people in axis labels that's equipped to star in a drama, sarang wasn't sure about auditioning for this project at first. he knows that he possesses a wealth of talent when it comes to shapeshifting into different roles, and he knows that his visual appeal is the most striking amongst all the trainees, but despite this knowledge, he still tries to be realistic. sarang knows that he's beautiful and charming, but when he looks in the mirror, he doesn't necessarily see a leading man. at least not in the traditional sense.

drama fans ache to see a masculine, deep-voiced male ideal lead a series, and yeom sarang doesn't cross off those boxes. he doesn't even know if he would make a serviceable secondary lead either. as unfortunate as it is, this is simply the work of modern reality and he doesn't blame himself for any of this. in truth, it's the fault of society. in most all instances, his people aren't incredibly willing to accept those who differ from a culture built by the hands of their ancestors. a small part of him understands their apprehension, but above all, he longs to use his future platform to inspire broader acceptance.

that's why he decided to throw his hat into the ring. he can't make change just by yearning for it to happen, and after further encouragement from his friend and fellow trainee, jay, he started to prepare for his audition. going into this, he wasn't familiar with any of the dramas the scenes come from, but overall, he considers that an asset. this way, he can approach each of them with his own unique interpretation, as opposed to being influenced by the original actor's performance.

after careful consideration, sarang decided on the scene from 'start-up'. in his opinion, it's the most complex out of the other scripts, at least from the male role's point-of-view, and he's confident in his ability to handle the emotional intensity of it. as there aren't many lines for him to utter over the length of three minutes, the acting is focused largely on his face and body language. it starts with heavy emotions, and it ends with heavy emotions, but the heaviness is conveyed largely non-verbally. it appeals to him for these reasons.

now, he stands before the panel of judges and is about to showcase what he prepared. sarang is confident that he'll do well, but if nothing else, he's just glad that this helped kill the boredom he's been struggling with lately. it was a rough winter, so he's grateful that spring is ushering in renewed energy. that's neither here nor there in this moment though, and after introductions, he takes one final deep breath, shuts his eyes, and takes on a completely new form once the process starts; painting himself in broad strokes of blue and black.

he is a master of facial expressions, a natural-born talent that's become even more obvious now that he's been an idol trainee. this makes emoting using every square inch of his face effortless. he's largely silent for the first portion of the display, but the depth of soul that's conveyed through his eyes, the faint quiver of his bottom lip, the forlorn furrowing of his brows... he's still telling his side of the story, all while earnestly reacting to the lines he's treating as new information.

"dal-mi, please..." when he speaks, the texture of his voice is tense; strained. it perfectly accentuates his countenance. then, as the scene unfolds and even more is revealed, another tidal wave of emotion crashes over him, but he's careful not to let his first tear fall. his eyes storm, his heart sinks into his chest, and his visage shatters—he's a ravaged, wilted flower trapped in a hurricane. his visuals being how they are add a certain softness to his delivery, likely working in his favor as the innocence of his moon-shaped face adds a new layer to his showcase. "are you breaking up with me?"

sarang remembers the one and only time that he's been broken up with. it honestly really fucked him up. it felt so unexpected. somehow, it felt like a sucker-punch to the gut, and he relates to the questions uttered by his character on a rather personal level. he pulls from those memories to carry out the rest of his audition, finally letting tears fall toward the tail end of it—timed quite well, in his opinion.

"from the beginning... was this your plan from the beginning?"

he uttered a similar question to seonghan the night they ended. while they're not on horrible terms anymore, sarang still remembers how deeply he felt the end of their union, especially since seonghan was someone he once thought of as his first love. it adds a lasting impact to the end of the scene, and when he's done, he takes a deep breath to collect himself, dabs tears away from his eyes, bows, and when he rises back up, he greets the panel with a smile and thanks them for their time before taking his exit.

[sarangbe]

[sarangbe]

SPRING SWEEP 염사랑 & OPEN

his closet is overflowing with garments that he's spent his sundays creating, and while he wishes so badly that he could keep most of them for himself, it's getting to the point where he absolutely needs to part ways with some of them. most of them are fit to his shape, but they can be altered, and there are also handfuls of other looks that were constructed merely for the sake of creation, as it's important to him to remain versatile in skillset.

while all designers have their specific areas of expertise, sarang has always wanted to expand his knowledge to capture various types of silhouettes; from wearable day-to-day, to haute couture you see on the runway, to extensive and complicated habiliments meant for grandiose theatre productions, drag, or for those with an insatiable need to make a statement wherever they go. there's nothing he can't do, even if he excels in certain areas and not others.

lately, he's been tempted to open secondary social media platforms to showcase his work, as well as to possibly auction off the pieces to better line his pockets, but before he does any of that, he wants to ensure that his loved ones have first pick of his collection. not only does he love dressing his friends, but someday in the likely distant future, they'll be able to say that they've been lucky enough to wear yeom sarang originals since before he became the biggest revolutionary figure in fashion. it's a win-win situation for all.

so, as he guides his guest into his bedroom, he swings open the door to his closet and begins laying out ideas for them on his bed; taking moments to give them once-overs to assess their measurements, as well as their overall vibe, skin tone, eye color, and hair color.

"almost all of this is up-for-grabs! i already separated most things i can't part with from here, so even if you don't like anything i put on the bed, there's more..." he laughs, happy to have something to do other than training. "i'm just glad whatever you choose will be going to a good home. oh, and don't worry, if you need something taken in, or out, or anything needs alterations at all, i can do them for you!"

it's in moments like these where he wishes that sr media would retire him from the trainee program and hire him as a stylist. sarang knows they wouldn't regret it, either. all of the senior groups would look absolutely immaculate in his work. "is there anything you're looking for, or like, any styles or colors you love to wear, or would rather avoid? just so i can start pulling things that'll already align with your interests!"

[sarangbe]

hi, friends! your local wannabe ghost ( ryan ) here to say 'hi' after what feels like eons of being absent. ;_; i was feeling rather burnt out for awhile, but am feeling more energized than before & it's a goal of mine to reconnect with my wannabe muses, as well as all of you! <333 i will slowly be working on theme-makeovers & other things across all my muses, but i also need LOTS of new threads & plots for them all, so if you're interested in discussing something, or being written a random starter for now, please like this post & i'll reach out asap! can't wait to dive back into wannabe!verse & to see what everyone's muses have been up to! ^^;

[sarangbe]

improvisation isn't something that scares sarang. while he may lack formal training, there's a confidence and wit about him that adds to all of his natural theatrical skills. before chasing the idol dream, he considered making a name for himself as an actor, but whenever he looked at himself in the mirror and wondered what types of roles he'd be seen for, the more discouraged he became. unfortunately, he's not tall nor traditionally masculine enough to be a dashing male lead, and while he can be dolled up to the nines to exude potent femininity, his true anatomy wouldn't allow him to be considered for female leads either, which is a shame to him, but he digresses.

the fact of the matter is, in tv and film, especially in his country, he wouldn't stand much of a chance unless he sought out roles in 'BL' dramas, and while they sound titillating and fun in theory, they have a reputation for pigeonholing an actor's career into one specific lane, and torching other opportunities for them because people simply can't be normal about same-sex relationships here. it's sad, really, but there's not much he can do about it. at least not right now.

nevertheless, whenever sr media offers acting workshops, sarang makes sure to sign himself up for them; enjoying them more than any of the other types of instruction they offer him. this go around, he's paired with hangyeol, a 'bestie' of his that he loves so much, and he's excited to see what comes out of their work together. their closeness could be an asset to them and their chemistry, or it could be a deterrent. familiarity when it comes to things like this goes either way, at least from what he can tell, but when hangyeol dives into their scene, sarang empties his mind and stays present in the moment. he's 'locked in', as they say.

pretending as though he's lost in a pc game on a make-believe screen in front of him, he whines out loud when his shoulder is tapped and enacts how he'd imagine a gamer would after losing a final match, agitated and coping with too much adrenaline from the stress. "c'monnnnn, i was just about to nuke the boss!" sarang hollers, then stands from his seat; perturbed. "that was the longest winning streak i've had in weeks, but nooo, you just had to come up to me and ask for my computer!"

is he escalating things too far, too soon? he doesn't know, but he proceeds anyway. from what he remembers, he should make big choices and stick with them. "no, you know what, instead of me giving up my computer to you, now, you have to pay for more time for me. you need to let me try and beat that boss again because you're literally the only reason i lost! you ruined my high score!"

what comes next?

@sarangbe

so far, in hangyeol's twenty minutes of acting experience, he had quickly learned acting, as a concept, wasn't so different from what he inherently brought to the table when he was expressing himself through dance. every routine was made infinitely better when the face, as well as the body, told the story of the movements it made, and when he put himself in the mood of the story he was telling. this acting thing, he'd discovered, was just that, but with words, instead of dance moves.

and improvisation, in this context, was just like improvising a dance. he would have to pick the mood, the story, himself, with no script or routine, and with a scene partner. they would have to work together to tell the story without any inkling of where it might go next: infinitely more difficult, but no less exciting. and fun.

they should have, however, known better than to pair hangyeol and sarang together for such an unpredictable task. they already lived each day alongside each other carefree and virtually untethered, despite the stringent expectations of their career trajectory. they fed off of each other's fun-loving energy, their creative minds and untapped chaotic positivity a recipe for some kind of entertainment. even if the only ones they were entertaining were each other.

pc bang. pc bang?? between the two of them, hangyeol couldn't think of any two people in the world who had spent less time in a pc bang. winging it felt like the biggest understatement possible for what they'd have to do next.

"excuse me," he tapped on sarang's shoulder, smile terse and posture scrunched, all the picture of the timid computer enthusiast too shy to let their obvious annoyance at being ignored yet again slip through the cracks, "you've been at this computer for a while, and all the other seats are taken. do you think i could hop on soon?"

[sarangbe]

"it's strange how people are even allowed to smoke indoors at certain places..." sarang muses, agreeing that that type of atmosphere would ruin whatever mood he's trying to create. ren's finicky about his vocal cords and sarang doesn't want to wear tobacco as his perfume for the rest of the night. it's so hard to get the scent out of fabric.

that, plus the harshness that cigarettes have on the complexion and teeth, are the sole reasons he hasn't picked up the habit himself, even if it's felt a bit tempting due to the stress he's been put under. like many his age, he could just reach for a vape with a saccharine sweet flavor, bubblegum or cotton candy or apple sugar or whatever, but the negative health and beauty effects still creep up regardless of how the vapors are inhaled.

known for his visuals, he'd rather be safe than sorry. if he's cursed to waste his prettiest years in the dungeons of sr media, then he's dead-set on making sure they never, ever falter. come hell or high water, he will be the most beautiful man that roams those hallways, forever. "don't worry though, i wouldn't subject you to that. i know better."

the cool night air embraces them, but despite the spring chill that nips at his cheekbones and nose, there's a very obvious heat that's emanating from ren. it could just be the warmth of his body after being trapped in the studio for way too many hours, but sarang doesn't think that that's so. it feels different than that, than how it used to. this fire paired with the ferocity of ren's words tells him that what burns beneath the other's skin is anger, and maybe he's insane for this, but he finds it enticing; sexy. there's a danger to it that he's attracted to, even if it makes no sense for him to be. it's just how it is.

"ren, don't sell yourself so short," sarang begins, treading carefully. "i don't think i've ever heard anything bad from you. that, and isn't your music being heard a good thing? like, even if it's not you who releases it, people are going to love what you create." is giving ren a pep talk a good call right now? he doesn't know, but he hopes that his ex can tell that there's truth to his statements and that he's not just gassing him up for no reason whatsoever. either way, they arrive at the bar and make their way inside; grabbing a table in the corner away from the majority of the crowd.

sitting parallel to him allows sarang to get a better look at ren's face, even in the moody lighting. he can see how tired he is, how his brows seem permanently furrowed, and his jaw holds most of his tension. there's part of him that longs to cup his face and give him a kiss to soften him, like in the past, but he knows that type of affection won't settle his emotions. if anything, it'll cause them to surge, and not in a good way, so he distracts himself with their conversation, sighing.

"when have you ever been easy on me, ren?" he laughs, then playfully rolls his eyes. "i think back then my feelings would get so hurt because... well, because of rather obvious reasons. i really just wanted to impress you, but i was in no shape to actually do so."

when the waitress arrives, he decides to be indulgent and orders the special strawberry soju cocktail on the menu, and once ren settles on his preferred poison, sarang resumes his thought. "that, and... as you know, i had other things on my mind a lot of the time when it came to you." this statement rouses a half-smile out of him; wistful. "i, uh... i don't think i ever apologized for making you uncomfortable, but i do want you to know that i am sorry for that. i definitely needed to be spritzed with cold water sometimes."

sarang reaches toward him and ren reflexively retreats, his arm flinching away from the shorter male as if soft, seeking fingers are actually the tip of a white hot iron poker. the sallow gray bags under his eyes twitch with a warning, unspoken this time, brow hardening as he processes sarang's audacity. he doesn't know what his ex's intentions are, but by now it's clear to both of them that it'll take a lot more than sarang pursing his lips and batting his lashes to get ren to let his guard down. he was so sure ren wasn't ready to be loved--why not give him exactly what he was expecting?

"as long as it's not one of those dives where everyone smokes inside," if he makes eye contact, it is cloudy and without feeling, virgo judgment and adolescent scorn painting dark browns the tragic gray of tombstones and fog, "i can't stand the smell."

sarang continues on as if oblivious to the facade of loathing ren is so meticulously painting over himself, a confident puppeteer indifferent to the fact that his sloppiest creation might be plotting his demise as he sleeps. even now, he is so powerful, and it makes the voice in ren's head shout pathetic at him even louder.

"that's assuming any of it is actually any good," he mutters in response about his own music, bitterness at his professional situation now battling for the forefront alongisde that which sarang's presence produces in him.

"for all i know, they'll sell it all to vybe and tell me to fuck off," he doesn't mean to be so candid with the very person he'd prefer to hide all of his vulnerabilities from, lest he find another golden opportunity to throw them back in his face when he decides ren is, once again, underperforming as a human being. but he hasn't had the chance to be so honest about his truest feelings about his music, about his worst fears and discarded aspirations. sure, being in sarang's presence for more than a few seconds is enough to turn his stomach with tumultuous emotion, but so is the thought of a certain vybe member getting his hands on one of ren's musical babies and making it his own.

and, after everything, sarang is bold enough to suggest ren assist him in a professional setting and critique his songs, as casually as proposing they discuss crypto over coffee or see the newest marvel movie or baseball.

"is your skin thick enough for that?" he is being harsher than he would have been in the past on purpose, deliberately bypassing his tendency to coddle sarang and his tender gazes and his soft, plush exterior. and he knows sarang is keen enough to tell the difference, "i won't go easy on you just because you're you."

[sarangbe]

ＮＯＵＲＩＳＨＥＤ． ｆｅａｔ． 염사랑 & 송제이

jay continues to prove sarang's theory that most-all men are absolutely useless. sure, it's a pretty obvious theory, and yes, it may seem strange coming from him, a fellow man in this world, but he likes to think that he's one of the rare few that actually knows how to care for himself. lately, it's become all the more obvious that many men con women into marrying them, but the second the rings are on their fingers and they carry on with their newlywed lifestyle, more and more of their flaws begin to appear. instead of being a devoted husband to their wives, these men revert back to children and lean on their spouses much like they did their mothers, expecting the woman in their life to baby them in ways that are horribly unbecoming.

while jay isn't attracted to women, nor is he getting married anytime soon, he's a typical example of a man who is clueless when it comes to self-care of any kind. can he put together an outfit and ensure that his hair looks at least passable? sarang supposes so, but it barely scratches the surface. when it comes to other methods of self-care, his good pal is severely lacking. existing solely on ramen is a sure way to create a long list of problems, so when he learned that that's what jay had been doing ever since his sister moved out of their apartment, sarang took it upon himself to show up around dinnertime on a sunday to make him a nice meal.

it's not going to be anything gourmet or luxurious. sarang is only a relatively decent home-cook himself but he knows that, if he can learn to throw some simple ingredients together to make a hearty, healthy meal, then jay can, too. while nothing fancy, what he plans on preparing contains more vitamins, minerals, and nutrients than the instant meals jay has been using as his sole sustenance. so, making himself at home in the other's kitchen, he spreads out the supplies he picked up from the market earlier: one package of sweet potato noodles, a block of smoked tofu, a zucchini, a carrot, an onion, scallions, garlic cloves, spinach, and shiitake mushrooms.

after washing everything off, he sets them in a large bowl off to the side, then turns to jay. "can i trust you to chop some vegetables, or are you someone that shouldn't be trusted with a knife?" he teases, giggling. "if that's the case, you can work with the noodles and i'll make sure our veggies are in good order. seulgi actually taught me a sweet trick on how to make sure everything is cut uniformly into matchsticks, so i've gotten pretty good at it!" his older brother made sure sarang know how to cook at least 3 meals for himself, and over time, he's learned a few others out of sheer curiosity.

"also, i assumed that you probably already had soy sauce and sesame oil handy, so i didn't buy any... please tell me that i was correct in assuming that?"

[sarangbe]

sarang can hear the voices of his friends in his head, all telling him not to go forward with this, but he does his best to silence them; refusing to heed their warnings and rationale out of the desperate need to reach his hand toward the fire. if he's going to be burned at the stake for this, he at least wants to enjoy it, and in this instance, he can feel the heat that's radiating off of his former flame; its warmth dangerous, yet enticing, and he knows that, all he needs is a certain spark to really get him going.

maybe it's selfish of him to continue making himself a presence in ren's life, a phantom sheathed in the shadows of his memory, only to reappear whenever ren is close to forgetting about him. sarang doesn't specifically time like that, but that seems to be the trend. it's like he has a sense for it, and out of fear of being eradicated from the caverns of his mind, he places himself right back into it—for better or for worse. it seems sinister. rather, it is sinister, depending who you ask, but in his own point-of-view, he just wonders if things will be different without alex around.

he and ren never had a lot of time to themselves during their tryst, and though sarang tried to push for more intimacy, they seldom fell into the same rhythm. he would slam on the gas pedal, and ren would pump the breaks; practicing restraint and responsibility as opposed to taking any risks. he won't lie, he found it excruciatingly boring at times, but there's a part of him that always knew that, if they had the time to really fall into step with each other, magic could be created.

ren always felt uncatchable. sarang knows why, to some degree, but it's made him curious about how things could have gone if they had more time alone. in a way, he hopes tonight will prove his theory to be accurate, but he's also trying not to get his hopes up too high. for all he knows, they could have a couple drinks, ren will remember the depth of his hatred, and then they'll never see each other again—becoming ghosts for real this time.

when ren accepts his invitation, albeit rather aggressively, sarang smiles; changing the expression on his 'stupid face' naturally. "i promise it'll be fun," he begins, reaching a hand out to grab onto ren's, but then stops himself; knowing that it would probably be too much too soon. "i don't wanna go to a club, per se, but i thought finding a shadowy bar we can find a corner table in would be nice. there's one not that far from here." he's become familiar with all of them after he started training. maybe a little too familiar, but he digresses.

pivoting on his feet, he begins to wander down the length of the empty hallway; ensuring that ren is still beside him along the way. "i see you're still devoting all your time to the studio. i feel like by the time either one of us debuts, you'll have, like, five albums put together with all of the music you write. maybe even more." sarang wonders if any of the songs ren's written are about him, but he doesn't ask. he knows his music is personal, and there's no way in hell he'll get any information about it now.

"believe it or not, i've been trying to get better at this whole music thing, too. it's more fun than i thought it'd be."

it doesn't take them long to exit the confines of axis labs, and once they're outside, sarang once again fights the urge to bridge the gap between them. he yearns to lean into him, but once again, doesn't bother. at least not yet. "maybe one of these days you can look over something i've worked on. it's just lyrics, for now... but i think i'm actually pretty good at it."

cw: religion, religious motifs

if ren had still been stuck in the church his family had narrowly escaped, or if he had followed them to the one they called home now, or if they had all been born a few centuries earlier, sarang's end would have been imminent, on a flaming pyre lit by frightened, angry men in dark robes and starched collars. he recalls, against his own will, and with startling accuracy, what few passages he remembers from the crucible, tenth grade english class discussions of it tinted with the bias of growing up on the distant tip of the bible belt.

...i know how you clutched my back behind your house and sweated like a stallion whenever i came near...

how scandalous it had been then, read aloud among a throng of going-on-sixteens who still sat sheltered in their own respective bubbles. how familiar it felt now, as if sarang was actively speaking the words to him between every syllable he uttered aloud.

ren is still upset with him; he has clung to the quietly simmering anger that comes with heartbreak, an emotion that seems to well up inside him every time someone so much as mentions sarang (an unfortunate byproduct that lies therein, the fact that his name is love itself). but he can feel himself weakening to his pull already, to the known fact that sarang carefully curated his appearance for this moment, to the faint waft of his familiar fragrance, even from this minimally respectful distance. and under ire and resentment still sits desire, an undeniable longing he hasn't yet figured out how to shake.

it's true, he can't help the way his eyes flit down the modest length of sarang's form. his expression doesn't budge.

...i may think of you softly from time to time. but i’ll cut my hand before i ever reach for you again...

"fine," he concedes, almost icily, after a surreptitious glance down either end of the otherwise empty hallway. it is only one word, but he knows sarang will catch the layers behind it, the warnings, the only-because-if-something-happened-to-you-i'd-never-forgive-myselfs, the i-still-hate-yous, the i-miss-you-but-don't-let-it-go-to-your-heads.

...you loved me, john proctor, and whatever sin it is, you love me yet...

"but you have to stop making that stupid face."