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Winter feels like home. A comforting sense that I quickly discovered is the cold. The winter hibernation is real and a reset after a very social summer

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"I don't belong to anyone I made you god because it was all that I knew how to do"

Lorde is the prophet when it comes to self loathing

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“To love me is to suffer me” - Ethel Cain, Nettles

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I feel like a sun bleached fly but in the middle of winter.

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“To love me is to suffer me” is for the people that feel like a constant paperweight on their loved ones lives. It’s also for the people that are so full of self loathing they believe that their existence itself brings pain to others

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Exploring Music - Episode 1: Thatorchia

Thatorchia, a word that is yet to exist in the English dictionary, can be described as many things to each individual. What I connect the word to may differ vastly from what my mother, best friend or the random girl I met in the club bathroom feels.

Thatorchia is the 8th track on Ethel Cain's dark ambience album Perverts and is often undermined by its more palatable sister songs such as Punish & Amber Waves. Hayden(Ethel Cain) has described the meaning of the word to be:

"The bitter acceptance of the knowledge that god will let you near but he won’t let you stay"

To the individual, this may seem like a straightforward and somewhat understandable description however, as an avid fan of her work, I know that this reference to God is much more complicated and in-depth than one could guess. Hayden's work often looks into the darker sides of modern-day religion and the various traumas many suffer at the hands of religious figures. Acknowledging that an all-mighty and powerful deity that encapsulates a vast majority of Religion in the contemporary world would not typically be the saviour some people expect is what I see most from this definition. Why would a presence with a higher power and control over entire populations not have disdain towards a lesser being getting too close? The acceptance of this difference is when an interconnected relationship between god and humans is possible. Knowing that one will always be inferior and, in many ways, lesser. I do not and have never had a close relationship with any sort of deity described to me throughout adolescence and my young adult years, so I can not fully comprehend the misery some experience to truly come to terms with their "divine creator" and find complete faith.

Looking away from the metaphorical aspects of the song and rather into the production and soundscapes instead, there is much more to dive into. As mentioned before, the project Perverts is typically described as a dark ambient album with aspects such as drone sounds, haunting backing vocals, and constantly evolving soundscapes. Thatorchia, an instrumental track, was mentioned as the track Hayden was most excited for her fans to hear. This piece has not gained the traction it deserves, and that's all I can say with confidence. From the first listen, I was immediately hooked and understood the placement of this song on the EP. Previously, in Etienne, listeners were guided down a path of soft piano chords with an eerie yet comforting presence throughout. However, the second Thatorchia commences, you know that you are being pulled far from comfort and instead thrown into what only I can describe as an everlasting void lacking any sort of hope. The production reminds me a lot of a broken sort of sound that would arise from faulty air conditioning or a factory machine that hasn't been tended to for many years. This continued sound slowly adds layers that can be heard clearly as the song progresses. It almost feels as if adlibs were used but not of the vocal type and instead of the instrumental. This deep layering makes for a dark and sensual sound that, in addition to possibly scaring the listener, can act as an emotionally resonant sound. Finally, a soft vocal that slowly progresses into the main focus of the song builds. These vocals are not that of a lyrical nature and instead, to me, feel like a constant gasp for air with the prospect of demise quickly approaching. The despair heard in her voice continues to establish itself until a sudden drop in the already encapsulating instrumental occurs. This drop is what allowed this piece to quickly become one of my favourites due to its sudden switch. This switch can be recognised as the moment one finds oneself too far gone and could almost relate back to the idea of getting close to a God yet not being able to reach that same level of power.

Thatorchia, interpretive to many and highly haunting to most has established itself as one of the greatest instrumental tracks to come about in recent years and as an ambient music fan, this is no easy feat with artists such as Aphex Twin holding the top position for a long time.

Thank you for reading if you got this far. For more music analysis and personal thoughts towards songs, Follow me<3