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[sativaaaaaaa]

the way i forgot about this app skdbdjdb

[sativaaaaaaa]

The Secret In The Tears || Mildred Ratched & Wilhemina Venable

pt.2

Wilhemina and Mildred sat in silence as you slept for the next few hours. Visiting hours were soon coming to an end so Wilhemina got up and collected her things before turning towards Mildred.

"Get your things together. It's time for us to go." She said still acting completely unphased by this entire situation.

Mildred glared at her before crossing her legs and folding her arms over her chest.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Mildred its nearly time for bed. Let's go." Wilhemina stated again as she tapped her cane against the ground. She was growing impatient.

"I'm not leaving her here by herself. Go on, I'll see you tomorrow." Mildred said as she reached forward and pulled the covers over you as you slept peacefully.

"Fine." And with that Wilhemina turned and walked out of the hospital room leaving you and Mildred alone.

After she left Mildred sat back and sighed as she looked over at you whilst getting lost in her thoughts. She began to think about the last few months you had spent with them, desperately trying to figure out where things might have gone downhill. As she sat there thinking about what could have gone wrong you slowly began to awaken from your slumber, slightly groaning due to the lights and your fatigue.

She heard this and leaned forward placing her hand on your lower back, trying to gently lull you back to sleep. But instead of melting into her touch you flinched and quickly sat up before scooting away from her. Her heart ached at your actions and she slowly drew her hand away before setting it in her lap.

You cleared your throat before glancing at her. "I thought you would've gone home by now." You muttered lowly.

"I wanted to make sure you were alright. Do you mind if I stay with you?" She questioned in a soft voice that was laced with a hint of sadness. You heard it and immediately felt bad for your reaction.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to. I know you have to work in the morning, I'll be fine alone." You said still not meeting her gaze directly.

"I think they'll be able to live without me for one day. I need to make sure my girl is alright." She said with a sad smile.

Her girl. She called you her girl. This sent butterflies to your stomach and warmth throughout your whole body. But the feeling left as quick as it came as you thought about the conversation you heard earlier.

"Your girl is probably at home waiting for you. You should be with her." You stated plainly as you tried to fight off the aching in your heart. You weren't really hers, Wilhemina was. You were just a maid, a pet, a play thing, something to satisfy her needs when Wilhemina couldn't.

Mildred's heart sank as she realized what had caused all of this. Their actions and lack of affection towards you had made you feel unwanted, useless, unloved. She drew in a deep breath before moving to sit on the bed next to you. She slowly and gently cupped your face with her hands and gently lifted your head so your eyes met hers.

"You are my girl as is WIlhemina and I'm deeply sorry if I made you feel anything other than that. Is that what caused this?" She asked as her thumbs gently caressed your cheeks in attempt to keep you at ease.

The question made you freeze. The cause of your internal conflicts had been brought to the light, she was finally aware of what was happening and you didn't know how to react. You sat in silence for a second before tears started brewing in your eyes for what had seemed like the millionth time today.

You closed your eyes briefly to break Mildred's tender gaze before slowly nodding.

"I just.. It never feels like I do anything right. I try my best and it never seems to be enough for you guys." You sighed as tears began rolling down your cheeks.

"And then the conversation you were having as you walked in the house just made everything worse. And I let go, I stopped fighting to stay awake because what was the point? Am I even wanted?" You said finally looking up at her with tears still flowing.

Mildred's eyes had grown misty as well but instead of focusing on her tears she wiped yours away and gave you a small smile before replying.

"You will always be wanted. You will always be cared for and appreciated and furthermore, you will always be loved. I will always love and care for you sweetheart."

"But Wilhemina.. She doesn't care about me. I can tell she doesn't." You said lowly as if she would pop up and scold you if she heard you talking about her.

"She's not use to having people care about her the way we do. She cares about you, trust me. She just needs time to come to term with her feelings. Before you came along it took her months to finally admit she interested in me romantically." Mildred explained hoping you would understand.

You shook your head not believing what she had told you. It seemed implausible. How could she care for you but treat you like she had nothing but pure hatred for you in her heart?

"I don't think so. Maybe I should just leave. There's nothing in this for me anymore." You stated as you moved away from Mildred wiping your tears on your own.

Mildred's heart practically broke in two as she heard what you had said. She drew her hands back and set them on her lap as a deep seated feeling of sadness overwhelmed her. You had completely withdrawn from her and Mildred could see you making your decision in your head.

It was clear that your mind was set on leaving. She could tell by the look in your eyes as you stared off into you lap.

"Are you sure that's what you want to do?" She asked lowly, trying to mask any pain that would come through her voice.

You simply nodded not wanting to look her in the eye; because you knew it would make you change your mind. You heard her take a deep breath then felt the bed rise as she stood up from where she was sitting.

"Well I'll go home and pack your things for you so you can leave once you get released. Is there anyone who could pick you up?" She spoke lowly while smoothing out her dress.

"Thank you, I'll call my sister and have her come get me and bring me to get my things." You stated still not looking up at Mildred to see her nod her head.

"Alright then I'll be on my way." She reached over and grabbed her belongings before quietly walking out of your room. She closed the door behind her but you could still hear the clicking of her heels fade away as she walked farther and farther away from your room.

Once the sounds disappeared you broke; allowing your tears to pull you into a deep sleep once again.

The next morning.

Your nurse had woken you up around 7:30 and let you know that you would be able to go home around noon. You thanked her and asked her for a phone so you could call your family to pick you up. She happy obliged and left the phone with you as she went and made her other rounds.

Your conversation with your sister went smoothly; she was the only one who had supported your relationship from the beginning and was shocked to hear what decision you had come to. About an hour before your discharge she came and sat with you and talked about everything you couldn't say over the phone. She could tell that the decision broke your heart but she also knew that it wasn't her place to try and persuade you to stay somewhere you didn't feel wanted.

The drive back to 'home' was quiet and quite stressful for you. Many scenarios ran through your head about how things would end up today but none of them ended well. When you pulled up in the driveway you noticed that Wilhemina and Mildred were home, as if they were waiting for you.

You took a deep breath and asked your sister to come inside with you so you wouldn't have to make multiple trips inside to get your things. You both stepped out of the car and once you got to the porch you reached inside the mailbox and took out the spare keys before unlocking and opening the doors.

You immediately saw Wilhemina and Mildred sitting on the couch, both with red, puffy eyes as if they had been awake the entire night.

"Hi, I just came to get my things and then we'll be leaving." You said as your sister closed the door behind her. She waved at them silently before standing next to your side waiting for you to make the first room.

"Your things are in the guest room but, can we talk to you for a few minutes?" Mildred said looking at you with hopeful eyes.

You sighed softly and nodded before pointing out the guest bedroom to your sister so she could start getting your things. You moved away from the door and sat down in the arm chair that faced the couch.

You all sat in silence for a moment, you looking at the ground, Wilhemina looking at you and Mildred looking at Wilhemina.

"So.. What did you want to talk to me about?" You asked finally raising your head to look at them.

"Was it not enough?" Wilhemina asked. Her voice didn't hold the coldness it usually did. It was laced with emotion.

"Was what not enough?" You asked with a confused look on your face.

"Everything we gave you. Was it not enough?" She asked again.

"I never cared for the materials. That wasn't what I was looking for when I agreed to everything." You answered.

"Then what were you looking for?" She shot back.

"A sense of belonging, acceptance, love." You stated.

"And was the not given to you?" She inquired. Almost as if she was trying to prove a point.

"Not from you." You fired back looking directly in her eyes. They widened in shock and she was left speechless for a second.

"I-,"

"It's fine. There wasn't any room for me in your heart even though there was an abundance of space for you in mine. You gave me what you could in the best way you knew how." You said whilst standing up from your seat. You looked over at Mildred before walking over to her and placing your hand on her chin. You lifted it up making her look at you before giving her a sad smile.

"Thank you, for everything but I'm afraid this is the end." You whispered. A tear welled up in her eye and fell immediately.  You reached up and wiped it away and she grabbed your hand squeezing it softly.

"Don't cry for me Mil, it'll be alright."  You leaned down and kissed her forehead before trying to pull your hand away from hers. She held onto it tightly before looking at you and speaking.

"Promise me something." She said softly. You nodded and waited for her to continue.

"Promise me, that no matter what happens after today that you won't forget how much I love you." Her voice cracked slightly as she spoke. Tears rolled down her face at a rapid pace as she awaited your answer.

"I promise, I won't forget it because I don't want to. Your love will be with me until we meet in the next lifetime. Goodbye Mildred." You said pulling away from her slowly.

"Goodbye Y/n..." She whispered softly as you walked out of the living room and went into the guest room to retrieve the rest of your things.

Once everything was moved out into the car you stood in the doorway of the house and slowly took off the ring that sat on your right hand; it was the ring Wilhemina gave you at the start of this... arrangement.

You walked over to her and grabbed her hand. You placed the ring in her palm before making her close her hand around it. Your hands didn't linger on hers for long, you stepped back and looked at her seeing she had tears brewing in her eyes but you didn't let that waver your decision. It was final. This was the end.

"Goodbye Wilhemina." And with that you walked out the door and out of their lives.

They both sat there in silence until they heard your sister's car drive away. Mildred choked on a sob as she looked over at Wilhemina shaking her head.

"I told you, it was too late. You should have told her when you had the chance." And with that she stood up and walked out of the living room.

Yet Wilhemina sat there holding onto the ring as her tears finally fell. She lowered her head in shame and whispered the words that could have prevented everything.

"There was room for you. There was always room for you. I loved you." She knew there was no use in saying it now that you were gone. But that was the secret that lied in her tears.

~~~~~

word count: 2,255

[sativaaaaaaa]

:D 

[sativaaaaaaa]

hiii, you’re amazing 🥺💕💕

I FORGOT MY LOG IN BUT HIIII YOURE MORE AMAZING

[sativaaaaaaa]

i havent written anything in so long and its sad but everytime someone tells me to update or write a part 2 to something i no longer want to write. i hate being rushed and i hate when people demand things from me. like im a person with emotions and a life, i cant do things when you want them. i need time to myself and time to fucking think and be creative. im not some robot programmed to spew out things when the public wants them.

[sativaaaaaaa]

65?

Sorry in so late, im rarely on here anymore lol. But my girlfriend calls me Honey and i love it🥰🤍

[sativaaaaaaa]

Plz compared to mine you seem like a saint 😭🤦🏽‍♀️ Vanilla was the LAST THING ON MINE

What are your BDSM test results 👀

here you go!!!

[sativaaaaaaa]

MEE I KEEP MISSING THEM 😭

also I’m in SUCH a good mood today for a few reasons so who wants that other face reveal?

[sativaaaaaaa]

31, 37 & 48?

31: I had a miscarriage when i was 14 😬

37: I fantasize about being famous lmfao

48: I have alot 😭😭

[sativaaaaaaa]

18, 34, 66, 76, 84 💕

18: Run but i didnt finish it skdjd

34: Remember the time - Michael Jackson

66: JANET FUCKING JACKSON

76: Yes😭 its really sad

84: Twirl her around

[sativaaaaaaa]

21 ❤️

Its a strain/ type of weed😭 I smoke ALOT of weed

[sativaaaaaaa]

45 in the asks plse.

“I’ll only date you if____”

If you like me and i like you back 😭😭 im not picky i just want someone to like me back

[sativaaaaaaa]

Ask me stuff cause im bored and wanna interact with you gays 😭

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?

what is your body type?

what is your favorite part about your body?

is your current hair color your natural hair color?

are you more outgoing or more shy?

are you more femme or butch?

are you tol or smol?

wine mom or vodka aunt?

weird habit?

favorite meme?

do you sing in the shower?

ever used a bow and arrow?

are/were you a theatre kid?

have you ever seen a broadway musical?

do you think musicals are cheesy?

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?

last movie you watched?

behind the camera or in front of it?

favorite tv show?

meaning behind your url

reason you joined tumblr

who’s your closest tumblr friend?

what’s something most people love that you hate?

have you ever taken narcotics?

have you had sex?

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?

describe your passion without mentioning it.

describe your best friend.

give us one thing about you that no one knows.

how do you feel right now?

what is your biggest fear?

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?

something you fantasize about.

last time you cried and why

what was the last thing that made you laugh?

do you really, truly miss someone right now?

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

the last time you felt broken?

are you starting to realize anything?

are you more dominant or more submissive?

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.

do you have any kinks?

first thing you notice in a person?

how can someone win your heart?

been rejected by a crush?

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

is trust a big issue for you?

did you hang out with the person you like recently?

is confidence cute?

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

do you want to get married

worst thing you’ve ever done?

three things that turn you on.

who do you hate?

favorite term of endearment?

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

intimidating girls or kind girls?

what do you look for in a possible partner?

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

are you good at flirting?

who was the first person you came out to?

do you have any friends who are wlw?

is your crush wlw?

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?

write a short love poem to your crush/self?

do you fall in love easily?

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

are you good at hiding your feelings?

are you a forgiving person?

what is your “type?”

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?

tall girls or short girls?

hugs or kisses?

twirl her around or get twirled?

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?

hairline kisses or neck kisses?

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?

making out or soft kisses?

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?

how confident are you in your sexuality?

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?

what is love to you?

ask me anything.

[sativaaaaaaa]

[sativaaaaaaa]

hiii you’re amazing and i hope your day is going well 💖

you’re so sweet 🥺🥺🥺 Its going okay, i started work today and its going pretty easy

[sativaaaaaaa]

She DEFINITELY has a hair pulling kink. And she can’t say otherwise because we have proof

Sarah Paulson being Sarah Paulson.

[sativaaaaaaa]

The Secret In The Tears || Mildred Ratched & Wilhemina Venable

warnings: depression, intrusive thoughts, self harm, suicide attempt, major angst

~~~~~~

Your relationship with the two reserved redheads had been purely carnal to begin with. They used you for sex and you were fine with it. It then turned into something more....intimate. Long nights spent keening underneath them turned into early mornings wrapped between their arms.

Soon after these changes they asked you to be their submissive; their pet. And of course you happily agreed. You had always let them lead in the bedroom, so everyday life couldn't be much different right?

Well you were wrong. It had been much more than you expected and thought you learned quickly, the adjustment to the new environment was rough. Now here you were six months in feeling like your head is underwater. You life scheduled out by the hour and punishments handed out when things are not up to par. You were trying the best you could, but it seemed like you were being degraded more than praised and it was breaking you on the inside. Yet you never said a word. You just kept with the motions; doing things just good enough so you wouldn't get yelled at.

You were reaching your peak. You started sleeping in a different room at night just to have some peace but it was never granted. You spent many hours of the night crying silently and holding yourself as you tried to put the pieces back together. You felt low, unappreciated, unloved, empty. And once again you cried yourself to sleep, this time not caring if you woke up or not.

~~~~~~~~

To your dismay you did. Alarm blaring at 5:30am like any other day. You hit the button to turn it off and stayed in the bed just staring at the wall. You laid there until you heard Mildred rumbling around; getting up and going to your bathroom to avoid her for the time being. You lulled through your hygiene routine and changed into some sweatpants and a t shirt. You made your bed despite the desperate want to climb back in it and headed downstairs. You walked down the hall and towards the kitchen; the smell of brewing coffee roamed through most of the house. As you turned the corner you saw Mildred in her nurse uniform packing her lunch for the day. She glanced over her shoulder looking at you as you walked into the kitchen.

"Well good morning to you too." She said frowning. She looked over your attire before shaking her head.

"Sorry. Good morning." You said in a low voice with your gaze fixated on the ground in front of you. Mildred paused what she was doing to look at you properly; frown still plastered across her face.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you. And what on earth do you have on?" She chided. You drew in a silent breath and raised your head to look at her.

"I'm not feeling too well so I just put on something that'll help me be a little more comfortable." You replied whilst wrapping your arms around your abdomen.

Her eyes scanned over you once more to take in your appearance. Your glassy eyes and dark circles led her to believe you were telling the truth about not feeling well. She turned away from you and continued to pack her lunch.

"Do you need to see a doctor?" She asked as she set her lunch to the side and poured herself a cup of coffee.

"No, I'll just take some tylenol and lay down later on. I should be fine."

"Alright well if you change your mind just give me or Wilhemina a call." She said as she turned around to face me.

"And why on earth would she need to call me?" You hear Wilhemina ask as she walked into the kitchen. She almost immediately walked over to Mildred to place a soft kiss on her lips. The action torn you to pieces.

"The poor girl isn't feeling well. Just look at her eyes." Mildred said pointing in your direction. You shifted uncomfortably now that the attention was on you. Wilhemina looked over your physique before scoffing.

"She looks perfectly fine to me. I expect everything to be done by the time we make it home. Understood?"

You swallowed the lump that was forming in your throat before looking up at her and nodding.

"Yes ma'am. I understand. If you'll excuse me." You said before turning around and going back upstairs. As you were walking up the stairs tears stung your eyes, you wouldn't allow them to fall though.

Meanwhile in the kitchen Mildred was feeling conflicted. She could see that something was wrong with you. At least she thought she could. But she didn't want to start an argument with Wilhemina over the matter; so she stayed silent. They both left the house bidding you goodbye as you slowly made their bed.

~~~~~~~

You did your daily routine of cleaning and preparing things for dinner before collapsing on your bed. You curled up in the center of the bed and let your eyes close from mental exhaustion. You never fell asleep though, you only laid on your bed in silence. After a while you finally opened your eyes and checked the time. 4:15pm.. They would be home soon.

You sighed and forced yourself to get up and go downstairs to the kitchen to start dinner. You took all the ingredients out of the fridge and laid them on the counter. Soon after you moved on to chopping the ingredients needed to make the redhead's favorite foods for dinner.

You gaze turned to the shiny blade of the knife and you zoned out, getting lost in harmful thoughts.

'Just do one.'

'Stab yourself.'

'Do it.'

'Do it.'

'DO IT!!'

Before you realized it you had given in and acted upon your thoughts; deeply cutting your inner forearm. You dropped the knife on the floor and grasped your arm with a pained gasp. You turned to go towards the sink but the sudden movement combined with you not eating all day caused your vision to blur. Time seemed to slow down and you hit your head against the edge of the counter before crashing onto the floor. The fall knocked the wind out of your body making you frantically gasp for air.

You were fighting to stay conscious when you heard the front door unlocked with some banter.

"All I'm saying is you don't need to be so rough all the time. Loosen up some." You heard Mildred say.

"I still don't see why I need to. I made a commitment to you, not her." Wilhemina shot back almost as if her words were laced with venom.

Upon hearing that you let go. You stopped fighting to stay awake and let the darkness take over you as you heard the click of heels approaching. Your eyes were finally shutting as you heard a loud gasp and the drop of a bag. Then everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A faint beep noise met your ears as a wave of pain surged through your body. You lowly groaned and struggled to open your eyes; a bright light blinded you causing you groan a little louder. You heard a gasp and heels clicking over to where you were, the sound pained your ears.

You began to blink slowly as you took in your surroundings. Painfully white walls, two chairs and the sun setting beyond the other side of the window.

"Y/n, Y/n honey can you hear me?? Wilhemina go get the nurse."

"You are a nurse."

"Her nurse. Jesus Christ must you be so literal right now?"

"Fine I'll go."

You groaned once again before moving to cover your ears; a searing hot pain ran through your arm causing you to stop and whimper.

"You're being too loud." You rasped lowly as you fully opened your eyes and looked towards Mildred.

"Oh I'm sorry sweetheart. I'll talk softer for you. How are you feeling?" She asked pulling her chair next to the bed so she could sit with me.

"I'm fine. When can I go home?" You saw a wave sadness in her eyes as you questioned her.

"Are you sure you're okay? That was a really bad cut." She poked again. But she was weeks too late, you had already shut down and closed off your true feelings.

"Yes I'm fine. I just want to go home." You said in a huff while rolling your eyes.

She frowned at your sudden attitude but stayed quiet. Soon Wilhemina had walked back in the room with a nurse; she took her seat next to Mildred laying her hand on Mildreds knee whilst the other hand rested on the head of her cane. She hadn't spared you glance so you didn't dare look in her direction.

You let the nurse check you and answered all her questions as best as you could before taking some pain medication and sitting in silence. You all sat in silence before Wilhemina spoke up.

“So what was that?” She inquired quite harshly.

“What was what?” You shot back in a low voice. You had been slowly falling asleep due to your pain medication so you were basically on the edge of consciousness.

“Oh don’t play dumb. What’s your problem? What are you tired of living or something?” She interrogated further. Her voice was harsh and usually they would hurt but this time they didn’t.

“Wil, now’s not the time. Let her rest.” Mildred butted in trying to calm her down and also keep her from stressing you any further.

“I’m not living.. I’m surviving. I’m barely doing that correctly. Doesn’t seem like I do anything right anymore.” You said in a small voice. The room went silent.

A wave of sadness had over come you. Tears stung your eyes causing you to close then completely. You rolled over onto your side; back facing them as you finally let your feelings and sleep take over. You fell asleep curled into yourself with tears running down your face.

~~~~~~~~~~~

word count: 1687