sativanature-blog

[sativanature-blog]

2018 11:11

Since last year and this year I'm always seeing 11:11 still haven't attached a meaning to it

[sativanature-blog]

Magical Atmosphere by Sawatch Joe

[sativanature-blog]

“To be kind means to be concerned with someone else’s demons as if they were your own.”

— Juansen Dizon

[sativanature-blog]

[sativanature-blog]

I love pot

I was depressed feeling and hating my self and tired laying around today

The moment i was home alone i lit up a bowl and now im playing music and eating

In gonna replace ciggaretes all together like this lol

[sativanature-blog]

[sativanature-blog]

121718

Stuck in my head right now

[sativanature-blog]

Head space

So I am back at my mothers as of now Dec 17 2018

Its december and it gets dark by 5 and its rainy and cold and just this weather really fits the weather of my head right now

I dont work right now but im a little hopeful i still have this pt job but at the same time i fucked it up because today was my first day and I kept falling asleep so they had me leave soooo 😞

I spent the weekend with B... when I went over saturday to get my stuff w my mom and this dude with a big truck. They drove me an hour and i wasn't scared or anything but the way looked and sat there waiting for me when I walked in. I got choked and it turned into rough sex. He convinced me and I ended up staying the night whilst my mom drove my stuff back to the house

Right now they are thinking of making me a room. Which I am excited for having my own lil space again here and I wanna be creative with it this time.

My best friend told me today that I need to see a therapist before we could talk again and I love her so much 💘 I feel bad for telling her things i shouldn't of shared and her witnessing that past few months of how bad I been... I really messed up by telling her the part where he choked me the other night. I don't care of it cause I deserved it but she doesnt see it that way and so. It's hard to explain rn.

Me and B are "just friends" right now. But you know how those things end or whatever.

My other "just friend" C knows of the cheating and the lies now of these past 6 months.

He seems supportive but I probably fucked him up too ..

Im taking my meds again after not taking then for a week when I told B I cheated on him.

I told my self over and over again how I would never do that and it was a secret that i would keep with me forever but i fucked that up too.

Anyway Ive said too much. But not enough to fit in this entry of what its been like this year.

I feel pretty fucking stupid and everything I say is fucking dumb to any party.

I don't wanna lose myself in that pity bullshit again though its whatever.

Only today i welcome it but tomorrow feeling fucking dumb is leaving and im gonna start not talking as much again.

I feel depressed but its not overwhelming and im not crying as much as i used to.

I feel much stronger like i could get off my meds for good strong yet im scared if i do ill kill myself.

Im just really tired and music is my favorite but right now i feel little nothing towards it and so im gonna keep playing the same two songs over and over again even though they make me feel hurt just embrace the pain in a good feeling way I guess I'm just trying to change my head to right direction...

I am doing good though im in a comfy couch with doggies at my moms and this is my most fav thing of the world.

I lost all my " friends "

That's a for sure

I learned its best to keep some things to your self

Specially fucked up things

Gotta check their mental space first because you don't fucking know

Its best to keep quiet and reserved and cool and collected

I see why now people like that fascinate me

Im sad yet its okay because I know better things are coming

Its december and it gets dark by 5 and its rainy and cold and just this weather really fits the weather of my head right now

[sativanature-blog]

[sativanature-blog]

Some people feel like heaven. Some people feel like hell. Some people feel a bittersweet combination of what is best in being human.

I.c.f.

[sativanature-blog]

“The more I wanted, the sadder I felt.”

— Juansen Dizon

[sativanature-blog]

Was

About to post something negative

But then i remembered

My new purpose for this blog

[sativanature-blog]

[sativanature-blog]

The mews!

[sativanature-blog]

[sativanature-blog]

For those of you dealing with exams and applications, please take a break. Go to sleep. You need it. I am a hypocrite.

[sativanature-blog]

Ah yes this is very ocd satisfying ❤

this is a clean set up.  Wiring done correctly!  I spend much of my day making sure my networks look as clean.