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adults disciplining children: i think i will communicate with this brand new human in the loudest, rudest, most obnoxious and socially off-putting way possible

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reblog this to be an annoying faggot at ur followers

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Imprimatura

Something I've been learning to accept recently is that my life has been rooted in the suppression of myself. I have ADHD/Autism raised in a household that did not know how to deal with me and I had 5 younger half-siblings whom I was told took precedence over me. Between my neurodivergence, emotionally distant home life, and a burgeoning gender crisis, I had a difficult time connecting with others meaningfully. My only guidance in this struggle was literally "fake it til you make it" and eventually it gets easier. As you might imagine, this doesn't work out well as a blueprint for going through puberty and adolescence. I stuck with the only people who could stand me and learned to fit in, which meant sticking around the boys who would eventually become part of the burgeoning incel and alt-right of the 2010's. This is probably all tmi for whatever rando person stumbles by thinking they are getting some coherent take on the journey of authenticity through introspection and experience but no, instead this is the lamentations of someone who wants to break free from the loneliness that became my home.

If you continue to read my posts, you won't find anything of substance, basically just a diary of an uneducated, undeveloped, egocentric trans woman. I don't have anything to say, but I do want to figure out how to say something of meaning. I've spent so long analyzing every word, every subconscious action, every minute social tell, every choice of words, but have come out of it understanding nothing. I instinctively suppress everything about myself, only letting the little bit of myself leak out that I have learned to curate for other people's acceptance. What at first let me feel safe at home and at school has become a prison which has become a matter of life or death to escape. I foolishly believed that transitioning could someday be my escape from this, but I was deluded. Not to say that I am not trans of course. This was always something I knew I would either confront eventually, or die. I had been living life on a tightrope, controlling every minute movement of my body and mind to maintain an image of serenity and confidence so that no one would even realize I was one step from falling. I thought that when I came out I was finally going to be able to put my feet on solid ground and walk, free to live my life. Feet gliding into some beautiful innate dance finally able to express what they had been held back from for so long. For some time it actually felt like my prophecy may have come true. However, even writing this I feel my body aching to return to the comfort of that serene walk. I feel the millions of potential eyes piercing my soul.

At first, I embraced this path of authenticity. Even with little to no "social skills", people respected my honesty and transparency even where skill in communication was lacking. In time I had a small but healthy group of friends, a supportive community, and a burgeoning career. But at no fault of mine (life happens) I lost all but one friend (who I had entered into a relationship with), and I had taken a step up into a career that included taking a supervisory role in my community that disconnected me from my peers. I was in charge of troubled 18-25 year olds hoping to guide them on what I had learned so far at the age of 26. Instead I slowly crumbled under the burdens of responsibility and my likewise crumbling personal life. The responsibilities pushed my behavior towards what I had seen in my parents over the duration of my siblings births. I needed to be perfect, I needed to do things right, I needed to be more than what I was. I was human, I am human. I had come this far by embracing my inevitable failures and accepting a sort of 'student of life' mantra. But I wasn't ready for how those failures would impact those around me that I felt responsible for. So I walked the best way I knew how. With the serene grace that I had honed for so long, channeling everything I knew into maintaining an image of competence so that no one would be hurt. But as I hit my breaking point I only hurt everyone more, stepping back onto my tightrope away from the solid ground of community.

I don't even know how to fit my SA or my loss of friends into here without completely diverging from what semblance of a thesis I can pretend to have. But this is all just to illustrate the backdrop for my current struggle that I intend to explore in time. Underpainting my canvas as if I have some worthwhile art to express upon it. My partner is providing a place to stay while I struggle to function let alone try to go back to work. I've dropped so far back into myself that I've gone back to /tttt for gods sake. Wrapping up all of this mess I once again state 'I have nothing to say' unfortunately. This is just a messy diary of a messy person who is practicing being messy in front of other people. I want to live my life again, but I don't want to wait until I have it all figured out to try living my life again. Maybe this whole post is just some form of self harm, but if you made it this far that's probably also an act of self harm lol. Thanks for reading anyways, I've always wanted to be seen for who I truly am. Unfortunately, this is all I got right now. Hopefully it'll get better if you stick around. I had some pretty cool friends until it all fell apart, so hopefully there's something there worth sticking around for.

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skirt go spinny xd

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Take care of yourselves everyone 💚🏳️‍🌈

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Queer 👏 people 👏 are 👏 not 👏 all 👏 fucking 👏 activists 👏

Stop quizzing us on queer history and asking us questions we aren’t qualified to answer about the world and about politics and about our identities

Stop trying to back us into a corner so you can justify your discrimination on the basis that we don’t know what we’re talking about or can’t “defend” ourselves to you

Stop treating every queer person that stands up and says “I want to be treated like a person” as if they’re an activist

Cut that bullshit out

Marginalised people just want to exist and be happy

I don’t know everything, and that doesn’t make me undeserving of your respect or my human rights you fucker

I don’t even owe you the stuff I do know- I still am entitled to basic fucking respect

TLDR; Queer people shouldn’t have to be historians or scientists for you to not be a fucking dick

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Ah yes, the 3 genders. Male, female, and “what the fuck are you, a cop?”