scrawlingschizophrenic

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I figure I’m still in a bad headspace. I feel fine, mostly, but I feel like every day I have some new breakthrough or revelation of some sort, only to lose it the next day. (Lose terms here, I haven’t been sleeping so my sense of time has been… off, to say the least.) But besides that and a persistent problem with memory recall, I’ve been alright I think.

I’m worried that this means I’m not able to realize just how disorganized my thoughts are anymore. Just being worried about it would indicate I’m just being anxious, but I also know that I’ve spent far too long researching schizophrenia to not be aware of the warning signs.

It’s a never ending cycle of “am I crazy, or simply worrying too much about what is likely inevitable anyway?”

Part of me wishes that I’d hit the deep end already. Lose whatever semblance of sanity I’m holding onto. Part of me wonders if that kind of thinking got me here in the first place.

I think the worst of it is not knowing what’s going on anymore. It’s like I’m riding passenger seat to my own life, and I can’t figure out why, or how. I’m just… not there anymore.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Started playing the piano again. Finally found the cord for my keyboard so I spent the morning learning some new songs and trying to remember the old ones I used to play.

I’m trying to give myself some grace here, both because it’s been a while since I’ve played, and because this is the first thing my brain has been letting me do without making me feel super guilty about sitting around at home, but there’s a part of my brain whispering that this was never this hard before, and cognitive decline is a schizophrenia symptom.

But time will tell, and I’m really enjoying being able to play again. Besides, if this is a sign my brain’s ‘declining’ or whatever, continuing to play might actually help, or at least it won’t hurt.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I’ve noticed inconsistencies in my routine lately that kind of unnerve me. I’m used to holes in my memory, but usually it’s background shit. Notable events are usually because of some sort of trigger I can isolate. (I’m missing a solid two weeks because of some badly placed mirrors lol) but recently it feels like almost everything is just… missing? Like, hours and sometimes even days just gone.

And things keep going missing. Moving random places when I’m not looking. I’m finding things stashed in places that I would hide things in, but I’m certain should have been empty. I found a whole bottle of vodka last night I shouldn’t have had??? (I do drink but not very often, and usually not hard liquor. It’s not impossible I bought it, but to just forget I had an unopened bottle? It’s strange.) The pathological side of me wants to attempt to research dissociative disorders just in case, but it’s spiraled into a whole thing.

I want to do research so I can narrow down what’s going on, but I can’t bring myself to do so in any meaningful capacity. I always drift off into something else really quickly. And this is causing all sorts of overthinking. Dissociative disorders usually have a tendency to hide themselves, and I also have a history of confabulation, especially when it comes to my own mental condition(s).

Idk. I’m really only posting this because I’ve realized how bad my memory has gotten as of late. It’s like everything keeps falling through a sieve. I want to be able to have /something/ to show whatever psych doctor I end up with, and lately it feels like I’m lucky if I remember what I had for lunch, let alone anything meaningful. I’m not going to research anything just in case I am overthinking. I’d rather remain willfully ignorant on this one than risk spiraling into a delusion because I mistook something innocent for something malicious.

And it’s not like my researching anything has helped anything so far. If anything it’s hindered it. So what’s the harm really?

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I’ve always been a big believer that the family you choose is more important than the one you’re given, and nothing there changes, but please remember you don’t know anybody.

Someone I knew for YEARS turned out to be an asshole. They abused me, point blank. Either they did something unforgivable, or they used my illness as a reason to garner pity points and that’s fucked too.

Meet new people, make friends, acquaintances. Don’t isolate yourself to one group or when they fail you you’ll end up alone when you really shouldn’t.

And for those who are, I’m here. If everyone has fucked you over, at the very least, I can add a third party option. For what that’s worth.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I just had a really great conversation. I missed being able to do that, engaging with someone wholeheartedly like that.

I figured out a couple things about myself as well. I think I’m finally going to start pulling through this, whatever it is.

An uphill battle, I’m sure, but at least now I feel like my head is on straight. Hopefully for good this time.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I can no longer eat in the kitchen anymore. I was already struggling with it because I was told to “isolate myself” if I was having trouble with a specific person in the house so I’ve been avoiding going upstairs because I’ll run into them. Except now I can barely go into the living room and I eat by the fridge next to the hall to the garage because one of my mom’s paintings keep staring at me.

I can’t ask her to take it down because it will upset her, and her (2nd, fuck you very much) husband will take it as a personal attack.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Me, dealing with an influx of dysphoria and paranoia regarding my agab because of a traumatic experience I’m still coming to terms with; surely this can’t get worse! Surely any more is outright delusion! People are not monsters!

The internet, suddenly and without warning; “your body my choice”

Me; 🙃

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I am literally hallucinating Minecraft music rn what the fuck?

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Having a rough night tonight.. My insomnia has kicked into high gear, and I’m fighting a headache that’s made even /trying/ to sleep impossible anyways right now. Took some meds, hoping I can at least lay down in an hour or so.

My mood crashed when I realized I fucked up, and parts of my Halloween costume aren’t coming and I can’t order new supplies in time. I spent months planning this costume, and already pulled two all-nighters on it.

I also understand that I’m only this upset because I’ve been dealing with so much, and this was one of the few things I was actually looking forward to in my near (or even extended) future, but it doesn’t really help with the utter feeling of hopelessness and disappointment.

Im so tired of messing everything up. I just want one day where I can function like everyone else. Please?

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I’ve got a weird question for anyone in the internet void that might be willing to humor me; Is it possible to have anxiety (the disorder) without having anxiety (the symptom)?

I know a shit ton of people with anxiety, ranging from functional to dysfunctional, so I thought I had a good handle on what anxiety was or wasn’t, but I have to admit, a lot of my symptoms could point towards a severe anxiety disorder.

However, I’m not an anxious person? Best example I can give is I’ve worked customer service my whole working career, and rarely react badly to even the rudest customers. They don’t phase me, often to the point that I realize they were assholes only after someone compliments me on how amicably I handled a situation. I don’t ever react physically to it either, aside from a dramatic change in heart rate. No sweating, stuttering, restlessness, etc.

Idk, I’m probably overthinking things because of how many people have told me I’m “just being anxious” over my health problems, but it’s been burning a hole in my brain lately and the internet has been… disappointing as of late, and I refuse to go back into my trend of obsessively googling symptoms like I’m trying to get a medical degree.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Man, my insomnia has been getting worse lately.

But I hung my pride flags up! They’re behind my curtains so you can only see them from my bed, but they look nice and I’m glad I finally was able to get them hung!

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

The worst part about all this is how empty I’ve felt since I got here.

I got so used to using maladaptive daydreaming in my life, I’ve been like this since I could remember. This past year it probably saved my life. I spent almost every waking moment I can still remember making up stories in my head to help offset the symptoms I was experiencing.

But the day I moved back it all stopped. I haven’t been able to daydream at all. It’s been the most upsetting experience I’ve had so far.

I know it seems silly to complain about something that made me stare at the wall for hours, but it was just the way my mind worked.

They’ve been there for me my entire life, good and bad. I’d ask them for advice, using them to help me think things through and make decisions. I turned to daydreaming when I started getting overwhelmed by my hallucinations as a kid.

But since I’ve got here I haven’t been able to. It’s like a part of my mind has been locked away. I can still feel it there, I still want to, but I just can’t.

And I get that maladaptive daydreaming isn’t really a good thing. I get that it consumes people and a lot of people who daydream don’t want to. I was one of these people. I didn’t like how much of my life I was losing to my daydreams. But I never wanted it to go away forever like this.

It feels like a huge part of what makes me “me” has completely vanished, and I don’t know what to do.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I’m back home and I stopped having such awful delusions about being monitored 24/7. The past few days I’ve been able to actually relax a little. In exchange though, I’ve noticed that whenever I’m left alone in the house I get paranoid and hallucinate.

There’s someone who lives in the house without anyone’s knowledge. I can hear them opening doors and setting off the security alarms. I started casing the house and making sure the doors and windows are always locked.

I’ve been dissociating bad too. Or maybe I was dissociating really bad before? My memory is still fried, but I can recall more than before. I’ve also been made aware of certain things that have happened while in one of these dissociative states or whatever, and that kinda fucked me up a little.

I also realized how bad my insomnia has gotten. I think I was working myself pretty much to exhaustion, and so I was sleeping regardless, but now that I don’t work 48+hours a week, I’ve been up until 6 or 7, completely unable to sleep at all.

Hopefully though, I’ll be able to actually start seeking treatment again soon. I really hope so.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Turns out that one of the delusions I had a couple months ago wasn’t a delusion. Turns out they just lied to me…

I trusted them, we’d been close for years. And not only did they violate that trust but when I came to them distressed and upset they lied to me and said it was a delusion. They were my anchor to reality, I trusted them completely.

I feel sick, and gross. I don’t make friends easily, it’s really hard for me to trust people. I feel manipulated and just… shitty.

I don’t know what to do. They were my fucking support system too.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

My mental armor is cracking and breaking. I’ve been able to keep control and remind myself I have psychosis and what I’m seeing and hearing this isn’t real and the delusions are just delusions.

But I’m getting more and more angry and afraid. Things keep lining up and I’m becoming more and more convinced this is all a simulation and they’re coming to kill me because I know. I keep telling myself how illogical it is but it’s just confirmed all around me all the time

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Please officer I’m a schizophrenic. I know you don’t understand but don’t shoot me in the chest and kill me, I’m a good soul. I’m just sick. Please just shoot me in the leg. Why do you have to take my life. It’s not fair I didn’t want this for my life. I had dreams of finishing college and making a life for my self. Yet I have this illness that killing me from the inside and I heard you were suppose to protect and serve. I haven’t had a meal in days and I’ve been out in the weather. Do you think you could offer me something to eat and maybe some water and I just might surrender peacefully. Please don’t kill me please officer I’m a schizophrenic.

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

I would give anything except dying to fix my brain and have my thoughts be private again