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sorry i got scared by the passage of time. can yuo hold my hand

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I miss the time fell asleep on call. Distance didn't matter then, would it matter now? Maybe it's because the sun sets at different seconds now, but we do see the same moon at same minute maybe a few hours off, yet

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i want to talk to her. Not that I don't, not that I can't, not that she doesn't want to. But sometimes- no most of the times to all the time, she doesn't want to hear my stories, my shenanigans, my feelings and thoughts about a specific matter at all. Though I speak out sometimes but she just seems so…bored or uninterested and sometimes even upset. "I'll hang up" she says; I comply saying alright. I don't know if she wants me to request her to stay "stay a little longer?" or if she doesn't want to talk or she's really just done talking. it feels so confusing.

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yeah…i adore her.

I adore her a little tooooo much

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even a listener needs a listener sometimes

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one day when I'm far away from home. One day, I wanna wake up, look at myself in the mirror, smile to a realization, rush to the phone and call mom and say

"Hey mom? I'm happy"

maybe not successful, maybe not chasing the dreams that I thought I'd chase until I reach them but I'll be happy.

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bottling it up

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there's always something that i have left unsaid, something so little yet heavier than the weight on my shoulders that im bound to carry, to person, to so many, yet a few that i wish i could speak to them again, face to face, eyes to eyes.

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I waited for hours on the roof, it probably did not matter much. I knew the routes the planes took, or at least guessed them well enough. Some flew over my house, some flew far. But I couldn't insist on waiting at home. This was the last time I could see her. But fate was unwilling, God was unwilling, time streamed away, not that it ever cared. Like gravity and a game, every piece fell exactly where it was meant to be placed. But her piece, was the one that seemed missing, one that slipped away, and the game seemed forever unfinished. The plane, didn't turn this way, veering far, far from my house, far from me. Clutching the knife even more... hey God, I hate you. Going as far as to paint the sky with clouds, the plane hidden behind, where only it's lights flickered faintly visible in the dark,

“Until we see each other again,”

I murmured to it, gleaming through the curtain of rain that poured as if it was the perfect ending to a movie. The humms of the engine strayed away further and further, slowly fading to the far distance and then silence. My chest felt heavier the more echoes faded.I sent her a text and glanced at the sky again. A hollow breeze brushed me off as the last echo of the engine went cold.

I laid there on the roof, rain sprinkling over my face, winds singing their songs. I felt them, the rain, the wind the crusty concrete under my back, rubbing on my hair. Yet I couldn't feel her hands on mine. Distant howls of cars and rackets of dogs, I heard everything. I was hearing everything. Yet I couldn't hear her voice beside me again. Clouds raced, the moon didn't show its face and the stars couldn't be seen like her eyes that I miss staring at.

I shut mine, pondering about the last 7 days and the three that I got to see her, every day fearing it could be the last. Here I am beneath the open sky, like the first day we met except without her; her cheeks resting on her knees tugged tightly to her chest, arms wrapped around, looking at me while I sit beside her, watching the sun set across the marvellously painted sky in every hue of blue and red; now it's blank, painted in black and stroked in grey clouds, rain dripping from the canvas to my face. As if light was taken away from the artist, as if he had been blindfolded, as if

he had lost muse and all that was left was desolation.

I fell asleep. When exactly i couldn't remember, i didn't know, i didn't bother to remember. All I could was her face, an album of diluted affection waving off with cherished eyes and cherry like lips. Her warm breath touching my face like a wave at a beach. Her lips grabbing mine, tongues in war while her palms in mine. Finally, the warm salty tears of my own eyes mixed with the dark inked rain bore on my cheeks; i howled out to the sky, to reality, to fate and order, to ever apathetic time and to God. The sky rained while my eyes did too. That was all i could do, i felt so small, like call for help in a wildfire under a dry hellstorm.

I dreamt of her, of course i fucking did. Like god was testing me, my patience for how long i can endure.

The dream was short-lived. I saw her--for a while...just being herself. It felt nice but hurtful all the same. Like God's twisted form of mercy for he took pity on me or a nasty fucking joke he could tell me, when I'm at his doorsteps. Another taunt to give me a mindful for what was kept only to a could've been.

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a novel in fragments

to be felt through each vein while they hold your hands, a feeling I have yearned and haven't experienced in a while. I find her staring at me sometimes, not often yet stealing glances here and there. Whenever I'm not close by her-- as i did too. i looked at her more than I intended to. More than my consciousness had planned for me, as if she's fishing my eyes to herself. A whirlpool of uncertainty, instead of making you fear it, to swim away, I wanted to sink. i wanted to drown. i wanted to let my body and mind be pushed out of air inside and be filled to the brim with the salty water of the sea. Be overladen with her astuteness for me. i liked the way she tiptoed on her foot and spreading her arms out a little like a penguin when she walked. Sway her hair, too, like “look how pretty my hair is” to the world. How she talks in an undertone, her voice a little raspy with a pulp. How she mispronounces a few words, talking too fast. How her eyes never blink when she does so and only when she's over with a period, talking from one topic to another, shifting from everything in between. How her lips purse smally when she's thinking about what to say or pauses between her speech. i like her. The simmering brown of her eyes glimmer even when there's no light. How she lifts herself to every decision she makes and just goes with it, never caring about the consequences for what it might hold. Even she knows what would happen, that doesn't stop her. She's adventurous, impulsive, stouthearted yet unbelievably charming. i adore her. Her hands, brittle yet smooth to touch. She held mine when we were crossing the road, which I hadn't intended on either. The ease and emptiness when i hold her sparks something that for so long hasn't. It feels nice, really nice how her hands feel on mine. she feels nice. i might adore her a little too much.

....i, was noticing a little too much We talk, and in every word, every syllable, every period-- I question myself is this verisimilitude? Or have I been seen through this entire facade? I felt hesitant, I wanted to back out. I wanted to run away turn everything off because I was going the same road again like all those times, begging with to beget that this time it's different like every other times. i was spiralling down the same spiral again, my head hurt, my chest hurt my legs felt heavy, i didnt wanted to walk any more, i felt myself go silent, my eyes seemed to go dull, i could feel the blood in my chest rush in waves, i could feel the tsunami crawl on me again, the carnation of my own wishes that will break me in to so many pieces yet again, burrowing hollow abyss for what my choices, indifference to bias pushed me over to decompose, where it took me my all to climb back up, from a place i could see everything yet nothing at all, hear everything yet nothing at all and feel absolutely bone chillingly nothing. I didn't want to trust myself, I didn't want to trust my brain when it calculates with emotions so heavy already, am I that far gone already?

And Yet

i gave in.

succumbed myself to her.

sank in her lips and her palms.

It started with me knowing it's a tragedy, and I made it known to us as a catastrophe. Maybe it's the way, she holds my hand, maybe it's the way she says my name with a brief pause only to throw a weird question or sentence at me. Maybe it's the way her eyes flutters when she stares at me, the way she flirts about every little thing about me, the way her energy just befalls on me, the way we share so similar things the way she's dead focus on one thing and everything all at the same time. Maybe it's the way how i feel around her, when my eyes are on her, my hands in hers, how our feet matches the same rhythm when we're walking, how she waddles around, how her hair sways. How we talk through every nerdy stuff and wish for more time. Maybe it's so many things altogether, but it's definitely her for what she is, exactly how she is, her being and behaviour and her utmost carelessness with so much pride that i just can't hate but adore. i want to watch her sleep, i want to keep holding her hands while we explore more, until there are no rivers, no cities, no towns, no tea stalls, no alleyways we haven't been to. i want to share the sky with her, a sky full of clouds dyed in a red hue, a sky full of stars in the countryside, a sky completely illuminated with the reflecting light of the moon. i want to click her pictures to immortalize her, i want us to be in pictures together, i want us to be a part of history where we could tell infinite stories, i still wanna keep looking up at her while she shares her struggles, i want keep hugging her every seven minutes, give her kisses on her temple and on the back of her neck. i wanna cry together with her. i want to stay out late with her, feed her, cook for her, build a house somewhere only we'd know far from responsibilities and the only responsibilities we'd have is each other.i want us to spend so much time together i cannot--she cannot find it more fun, more at peace and comfort with any other person in this world swaddling with 8billion lives. I want to embrace her in the beach, our bodies are drenched in sweat, out of breath our throats dry to the point of bleeding, but we won't stop, even after we've finished so many times. Being in an absolute embrace is the closest a human being can get to another. I want her to embrace me so dreadfully that our neighbours wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I want to do it with her at every any given time, the moment she gives me the cue, the second she gets comfortable with it.

I want to embrace her until we discover a new planet in the solar system. i want her. I didn't want her to leave. Yet, this chance is something that i'd wish for, even wish for my worst to get. I wanted her to stay with me, stay with me even if a hundred miles away, a thousand miles away, on the moon, in Mars even as far as the fucking sun. I want her to stay with me, maybe with texts, a call, a letter from a fucking pigeon i wouldn't care less i wanted her to stay with me. For i adore her, too much. I fucking adore you! You hear me!? i want you to stay because i might just to grow to love you.

These seven days felt like all those books i've been reading since seventh grade, but, it won't end in the way i so wish it had. I was a little late, time was late, the universe was late, destiny was late, fate made for it to be late. “Maybe it was for the best” i would never say that and end the story. If it was for the best, i'd have been in the same plane to Australia with her if not the same plan the same destination if not the same destination maybe another city a thousand kilos away but in the same soil that both of our feet are touching and the same clouds that we could be seeing. The universe was against it. And maybe even if not in the same country, at least some place away from this cage of hell dweller's paradise, free to run away free to run away--anywhere--and if I could, I’d make it to her. And I blame God, if He exists. I blame the world, my father, my family… even myself, to an extreme relentless retortion, all of that to turn this into a “could’ve been.”

we were friends, until we weren't we weren't more, weren't less, it was transparent we weren't dating, though i wished it was aberrant to time and fate, i wanted to fight against i blamed the world for what it fenced i blamed god, for creating time, for what it commenced i'd want her to smile, i'd want her to be free i'd want her to jump, cry, laugh and love, to every degree but then again, i'd want her with me. Her lofty steps and fluttering mouth, such calming eyes her warmth eases me so, hugs that feel so whole her lips on mine, an ever lasting demise we weren't lovers, until we could've been a novel in fragments, an ending that'll forever be a could've been

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what is this ungrateful desire of having crazy sex or to be love bombed physically, verbally and spiritually. it's like a two spectrum tube light one beaming after another in several different intervals and I'm going absolutely crazy

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I'll take his what?

would you take his sweets ? i would

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this fills me with joy

This is the cover of the doujinshi I released this year. I drew a manga where Kuma and Ginny get married… But every time I think about how they were never able to be together, I can’t help but cry😭

This is the illustration I used for the bonus postcard!😘

Since it’s my birthday today, I’ll be spending it thinking about the Kuma family (though, honestly, that’s just like any other day for me…)

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i wish and ponder to the thought of catching her randomly at a place only to see if she'd care to look back, at my face

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I'm only a growing mold of my mistakes put together by spectrums of time; never more never less