sczphanc

[sczphanc]

schizo posting, n.

a style of writing characterized by interrupted sets of phrases delivered in a series of fixations upon a subject, dramatic conclusions with little connection to that initial subject, and expoundings upon the initial subject in the direction of the foregone conclusions.

ive just been having a bit of a hard time speaking sometimes recently. it gets foggy and I get so nervous and breathy and it's hard to finish the thought. I feel like the meaning is always on the tip of my tongue but I can't quite get it out fast enough and I know it doesn't really make sense so I keep going. but I can't get it out. I know what I mean. I know what I'm trying to say. I can still understand what is happening and process words but I can't express what I'm trying to think besides by chasing down the meaning but never being able to end the sentence. it's very frustrating. it makes me panicky and frustrated. and sad. Sometimes I think about when they tell toddlers to "use their words" when they want something instead of screaming but I'm trying so hard to use my words and I can't do it right and I understand why they'd rather scream instead. I realize how jumbled it all is after trying so hard to make it come out and I immidietely feel this horrible wave of pain in my chest and my head his light and buzzy. I try to stop talking but I can't. I cannot speak but I have to, like if I finish explaing what I'm thinking and feeling it'll clear up all the fog and give me my words back but it just makes it worse and worse. recently it's been a matter of sleeping it away. whenever it comes it's time to lay down silently and rest. maybe a nap, maybe asleep for the night, maybe wait until 2pm to wake up. it's been very hard. I am not saying I don't have time to do everything I need to because I do and I do stupid shit all the time but it is hard to do classwork and exams when Im never at full brain capacity and my thoughts are so jumbled minecraft is intense. I don't know. maybe I just need to sleep better and straighten up my medication routine but it feels bad to live like this. I feel insecure and scared and alienated. everything is difficult and everything is overwhelming and everything is overstimulating. end schizo post.

[sczphanc]

me and the gals wandering out of quarantine

Anthropomorphic Tree

Anthropomorphism which is the recognition of human-like characteristics or form in animals, plants or non-living things. This tree, which can be found in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, has roots which have taken a human-like form.

[sczphanc]

noam chomsky has lived a full life. he is 92 years old now and unfortunately that means he will die very soon and it's been upsetting to me as he has always been one of my heros. but this is a good time for him to die. he was born in 1928 which means he spent his childhood writing articles and essays for US labor/anarchist newspapers. He entered college at 16 the same year that the bombs fell on Japan. his academic career overlapped with the dawn of a new political era. He reinvented the field of linguistics just as psychology entered it's new medical era. As a child he wrote essays on the Spanish Civil War and US imperialism and in adulthood he was an activist fighting against American imperialism's new age during the Vietnam war (he was put on Richard Nixon's Enemies List and arrested many times). He layed out a model of the US propaganda machine during the height of the cold war. He watched Ronald Reagan reshape American economics and has been putting out work on the subject and lecturing on it since and it is one of the most important eras in modern economics). He was there to work tirelessly to poke holes in the neoliberal ideology that came after. he is still here, right now, to watch this pandemic. COVID 19 is a very exciting thing to Chomsky. not to say he has any positive feelings about it but he sees it as a chance to save ourselves or a chance to blow herself up. Chomsky has lived a life defined by intellectual progress, cultural critique, academic critiques of our modern world, outrage over international domination and here at the cusp of rebirth or destruction he is set to die soon. He will never see what really happens after this, the most volitile time for our species ever. I mean that, ever. there have been pandemics like this before in human history but never at a time when liquid assets and debt are the major currency in international affairs, when we don't even know what nations are ready to launch nukes across the world anymore, when we are already in a transitional period in politics in most of the western world towards more radical political currents (even before this), in an era of global economic inequality and hierarchy like never before in history, a ticking time bomb. if Chomsky is right (and I think he is) then this is moment that could reshape humanity. however, change like that is an extremely painful process. a long, tortuous, brutal struggle. Chomsky has done enough worrying and protest for one life and a death in perhaps the most pivitol moment in recent history, one that he believes could save us or damn us, there is now a kind of hope among us radicals that I don't think has existed like this since the Russian revolution. To die now, to live with a hope that things could be different this time, is better than seeing the struggle, better than the paranoia and panic of the flux, better than never being quite content. he can die imagining a better world than the one he's been so cynical of his entire life.

[sczphanc]

[sczphanc]

people often fail to recognize that psychosis exists all the time. people with psychotic disorders still have psychotic disorders outside of the dramatic psychotic episodes and if you are close to someone who experiences psychosis it is important to recognize that people with psychotic disorders have very real symptoms that exist everyday.

delusions do not just come in the form of grandiose, absurd beliefs completely removed from reality. most people with psychotic disorders experience delusions everyday and those delusions need to be addressed just as much as those that typically occur during acute psychotic episodes. they can be very subtle, they can be very difficult for the sufferer to express, they can be relatively congruent with reality and they can be much harder to pick up on but they are delusions. for example, yesterday I became convinced that a text from my neighbor was actually sent by my landlord in order to entrap me in admitting to something that was cause to evict my girlfriend and I. I don't know what they would have tried to have been coaxing me to admit but that only made it more distressing to me. this is obviously less clinical than something such as a belief that I am the host of a fourth dimensional time goddess but it is nonetheless a delusion, a very distressing one in fact.

there are many different types of hallucinations. many hallucinations are subtle things. many people with psychotic disorders hallucinate many times a day everyday. hearing voices scream at you or being followed by whispers can be very distressing but hearing actual people around you say something about the way you are dressed or the way you are walking throughout the day can be similarly distressing. hallucinations do not always take the form of entirely fabricated perceptions, they can also be distortions of the things around you. they can be hearing air raid sirens but they can also be seeing cars around you flash their highbeams as they pass you. they can be distortions of everything around you but they can also be a sudden change in the intensity of lights and sounds around you.

there are many different types of disorganization. most people with psychotic disorders experience some level of disorganization everyday. disorganization is not something that turns on and off, it is something that can exist to various degrees and as ratios of different types of disorganization. disorganization, at it's worst, can mean not being able to speak, not being able to maintain any semblance of coherence, not being able to process information, not being able to understand what is going on around you but it can also mean not being able to speak concisely, not being able to convey what you are trying to say clearly, repeating the same idea or phrase several times over the course of a conversation, having a hard time writing and phrasing ideas. all of these things are disorganization; disorganization is not defined by inability but rather by difficulty

negative symptoms exist all the time for most people with psychotic disorders. if you've ever been close to someone with a psychotic disorder you've almost certainly seen them in a state in which they either had no desire to or could not take care of themselves or maintain their responsibilities. things like not showering for days, not drinking water or eating, not changing clothes, doing little besides laying around doing close to nothing. however, negative symptoms are always there, not just during these types of episodes. negative symptoms can mean not being interested in being around others, not enjoying things you used to, not responding to things appropriately, indifference towards the happenings of others, general apathy, blunted emotional responses, etc. negative symptoms exist all the time and they need care and understanding to heal in day to day life.

it can be hard to be close to someone who experiences psychosis. it can seem like they aren't who they used to be even when they are doing okay. it can seem like they are no longer the same person at all. this is not the case. just as the flairs of acute, off the rails symptoms can be treated and managed the day to day symptoms of psychosis can be treated and can improve overtime but they require just as much care and understanding. people who have psychotic disorders need to be able to be comfortable expressing their day to day struggles and it's important to do your best to understand that they are just as much symptoms as everything else and that they need reassurance and empathy in those day to day struggles

[sczphanc]

hey guys, acidic-pixie's schizophrenic girlfriend here.

I'm actually a schizophrenic who is prone to delusions and accompaning hallucinations. A lot of this information seems to be based on their experiences with my delusion and is incredibly useful and accurate. They has used these type of tactics to calm me down many times and these tips, in addition to my trust of and affection for them, have brought me back to reality many, many times. When psychosis gets really bad you completely lose self awareness; that's when it gets truly dangerous. When I am hallucinating, even scary things, I can usually keep it together (relatively) because I know that they aren't real and can keep myself from interacting with them. However, once that self awareness slips away, when that knowledge that I am in fact schizophrenic and that these aren't real things it gets scary. Every hallucination becomes I possible to distinguish from reality. Delusions are the same way. Even when I'm self aware I still think that they are true but I know I shouldn't and that keeps me from acting on them too much. But then, boom. Now I don't just think someone is trying to shoot me, I'm running as fast as I can and weaving around so they can't. Now the radio under my skin really is letting them control me so I need to dig it out with a razor. Now I really am being spied on and I can't do classwork or text anyone back because if I turn my phone or computer on they are going to find me. (those are all real examples by the way). however, when they hold me and tell me I'm safe and secure and let me know I'm okay it helps bring me back. They are right, telling people like me that it simply isn't real is incredibly counterproductive. Our minds are not working; we are not considering your point, our mind immidietely start working to find all the ways we can that you're wrong because the delusion is the thing we know above everything and everything in us is dedicated to justifying it. when you give people new ways to justify it you're just making it stronger. however, calmly telling someone that you think they may be experiencing symptoms and that you think they are safe is so fucking helpful. it enables us to climb back out of that madness and bring back our self awareness.

A few other tips:

When someone expresses the fear that something is following them, let them move away from it. just go with them. making them stay where they are not comfortable will make it more distressing and harder to come out of. allowing them to make themselves more comfortable is okay so long as they are safe and it is of their own volition. it is not the same as playing into their delusions as long as you interact with them and not their delusion.

Make sure they are monitored, distract them and stay with them as long as you can. If they are not in a position to talk you can do things like touch them (especially in patterns), preform flashy gestures to attempt to express basic things, tell them a story or even just move around the room and doing little tasks. All of these these things will help them pay attention to something else. It is important not to leave them alone if you can help it because a: it is possible they could do something to hurt themselves and b: the longer you are alone the longer you have to convince yourself. assess their state and your means carefully.

Lastly, please just be as kind and soft as you can. it's so upsetting. it's hard to understand this but oh my god it's horrific. it is real to us; it is completely, 100% real. It's easy for outsiders to understand that these things are not real and it's hard not to understand it through that lens but for us whatever we think is happening is happening. imagine if you were in an actual situation where someone was trying to kill you. you were 100% certain. what would that feel like? what would you be thinking? how terrified would you be? that is what it is to us.

*acidic-pixie appreciation time*

these are not just things that they are suggesting, these are things they do over and over and over and never give up nor get frustrated. at some of my low points this was something they were dealing with everyday. Usually memories of psychosis are flashes, they are like how you remember dreams almost but I have an incredibly vivid memory of them helping me one time in particular. I was convinced that there was this god that was controlling me. It looked like a bipedal deer with strong muscles, huge antlers and these bright blue eyes that I just knew were full of absolute malice and spite. I saw it when we were driving. I saw it state at me in the distance and get closer and closer and then as we passed it it was immidietely sprinting and following us. he was going to torture me. he was going to make me torture myself. he was everywhere around me and always would be. I was distressed to a point that I could barely speak. I was babbling incoherently, mostly about him and what he was and what he was doing but it was still nonsense. I was crying and shaking and I couldn't breathe. acidic-pixie just put my head in their lap and talked to me. they just ran their fingers through my hair and told me sweet things and that I was okay and protected. this went on for about an hour and they never stopped. eventually I was calm enough to talk and process things again and they explained to me that I have a psychotic disorder, that "you have had this type of thing happen before right? remember?", that I was sick and they thought I was just having another bad day. I broke out if it. they brought me all the way from incoherence to functional in like an hour and a half and they kept going no matter how hopeless it probably felt. then they just held me, made sure I took my meds, tucked me in so I could sleep. that whole experience was miserable. I still think about him. but as I write this my eyes are watering and I'm happy in a weird way. I am sitting beside them right now and I hope they like this. I love you baby, thanks for it all.

i wish people were kinder with people who experience delusions. even if they claim to be God or that someone's following them or that the FBI is coming to kill them. just be kind. It's a symtom of psychosis, something they can't control. It doesn't help to make fun of them and treat them terribly. Its either you support ALL mentally ill people or you don't. You don't get to pick and choose because there's "uglier" and "stranger" symptoms

[sczphanc]

you've just described crust punk

is Adventurecore a thing? If not it should be…

Collecting knives

Layered clothes and big coats

Nature but Hardcore

Combat boots

Bruised knees and scrapes n stuff

Carrying way too much shit Just In Case

Always having a backpack and basic survival shit

I live in the western suburbs of sydney but I act like i live in the wilderness and I NEED an aesthetic that captures that…

[sczphanc]

So You Think You Can Abolish It Without Abolishing The Social Conditions That Give Rise To It: my new game show