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I think you better back off. I've been having bad thoughts. You think it's fun to be me?

I think it's time to take the mask off.

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I tried so hard to make the best out of life. Now guess where I am again.. om fucking tumblr because i lost fucking everyone trying to be open about my feelings

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That’s the slogan right? Pretend we’re all alright?  But we actually hate our lifes, and we want to die. But we can’t do shit other than hurt and hide. 

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“Its getting hard again. Hard to wake up, hard to go about my day. Hard to live, hard to breathe, hard to love my skin. At times like today, I don’t want to feel my skin anymore. I don’t want to exist anymore.”

— g.d (its getting hard to love myself again) 

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If anything, I'm just so stressed out. Making choices yet they leave me with doubt, what the hell do I gotta do for someone to be proud? It's so tiring, I just wanna end this life and walk out. But that's not the way out. So please, just grab my hand, bring me a new tomorrow. Don't let me continue this pain, where I start to drown in sorrow. So many people left, whether they died, or slept with regret, regret of knowing me, friending me, being nice to me, until they realise I'm not the person they want around to be 'Cause being around me, nah not anyone you'll see. I sit in my room and just swallow to drown, why can't I be your king,to which I'll give you my crown? Why do you always leave these words with a laugh followed by frown? Is it this hard to just be honest instead of letting me down?

Cause down's what I've been for a while. But it's cool I guess, start the engine and we just go another mile. Cause that's work right? Step behind the wheel and start drivin' while these thoughts just keep going deeper and they start divin' Cutting out papers and wires Leaving me wireless, I can't express, it's just such a mess, a beautiful disaster, but not one I want to live after.

So I drown in these thoughts of self hatred, Leaving me debating, if I should cut, take a pill or start drinking, maybe that's the way to have these demons sinkin' And yeah the sink, just like one's will to live. Except these demons come back, and the will to live is just something I can't seem to outlive. Cause I think when I finally get my shit together, with reason to stay, my live will be over, and my soul's sinking abay. Far away, astray. like my cigarettes burn out in the ash tray. Leaving nothing but a dust of smoke, and some ash, Let's end this live, a last.

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I want to get my  life back on track, but instead I seem to just be stuck in the mud, waiting to rot, fade and carve away. I'm 21 but my body feels as if it's ready to decay,? no more reason to stay. I know I got plenty of friends, with whom I can hang out. But the only type of hanging I want, won't make anyone proud. I try my damn hardest, buit I'm still not seeing anything positive. Am I perhaps just another 'supposed-to-be-dead' on God's hit list? Is that what this is? Even if all my issues fade away, solve themselves, will I still grab for the bottles on the top shelf? Is this my meaning of "Doing well"? Because if this is how I'm doing well, then I am starting to dwell, on the fact that I don't want to live this life. So all my thoughts aim for that knife, carryi it ever so slow to my wrist. I let the blade sink in, and it's starting  to split, my skin apart. Blood starts dripping hard. I can feel the pouncing of my heart. I'm leaking blood and my heart is trying to pump it to the right veins, but it's only in vain. Because that vein, has been split in 2 names. One's called eternal life. The other's called the friend of my knife. And that's how I'm taking my life. And I might do it tonight. Because tonight seems to go towards my imagination. And my heart's beat's been racing. But it's a race against the clock. before all blood drops down and it's starting to clog. Clog all over my new white carpet, which by now turned red.

And I'm loving it. The pain, the emotion, the devotion in which I have taken myself to end my life. But it all would've gotten this far, hadn't they torn my life apart. And I wouldn't have turned into such a loser, a misschooser, left  a loner. That's cool. It's what i would do too. Just the difference is, I feel forced to make this choice. And you madem yours for personal joys.

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It’s crazy how loneliness kills you on the inside but loving someone hurts even more.

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