seekinginnerwisdom

[seekinginnerwisdom]

Such amazing advice!

I'm autistic and I currently feel like shit checklist

Hi there. Are you autistic? Do you currently feel like shit and don't know why? Try this checklist to see if you can Fix The Problem!

When was the last time you used the bathroom? If you answered "I don't know" or "at least 3 hours ago", go now!

Do you need a drink? Go get one if you don't have one in front of you.

When was the last time you ate? If you haven't eaten yet today, consider eating A Meal, or perhaps A Snack. Something is better than nothing, eat whatever you feel able to!

Is there something in your immediate surroundings that is bothering you? If the light is too bright, turn it off. If there is an annoying sound, make the sound stop or reduce your ability to hear it (earplugs, headphones, etc.). If your clothes are bothering you, change them.

Is your space messy? Pick one area of your room and clean it up as best you can. Clean your whole room if you have the energy!

When was the last time you did An Activity? Scrolling on social media doesn't count. Try actively doing something fun! Play a game you like, read a book, make something, or go for a walk.

When was the last time you Spoke to a Person? Consider talking to a person you like if it has been a while.

How long has it been since you did something Special Interest related? Make some time to do that today. Infodump to a friend, have a nice long research session, look at related images or gifs, make art about it, whatever works best for you!

Try stimming actively! Put on some music and dance, spin in circles, go to the park and use the swings!

If you still feel like shit after trying all of these things, you might be tired or sick. Go to bed early and get some rest. Hopefully you will feel better tomorrow!

Hope that helps :)

[seekinginnerwisdom]

Beautiful and haunting.

[seekinginnerwisdom]

This!

[seekinginnerwisdom]

keep going

[seekinginnerwisdom]

It hasn't happened 100% but quantity has been reduced and new distractions have been purchased...but I can already feel the difference. The lessening of the dopamine is already beginning to dull my mind. I can feel disinterest creeping in and there is no antidepressant flowing through my veins right now so this is going to be an educational experience. I wish I could just make people leave me alone to go about my daily routine. No talking to me, dont ask me to do anything, dont ask me where something is, dont ask for my help, etc. I have to battle the usual but also grieve the death of my creativity, motivation, interest, and welcome back ennui, suicidal thoughts, and emptiness. It had side effects but it was so nice to experience life again.

I get to focus on responsibilities, reality, my health, work life, and existential vacuum. I hate life, I really do. And I have to face the future without a partner again. I mean, he was a shitty partner but he was someone who chose me. I think that was the biggest appeal, that he saw me.

I discovered this song at the same time he chose to no longer be with me. It is what I need to feel loved I think. I just want to be seen and wanted. Choose me. It echoes loudly and silently inside of me now. But this is probably better. No demands on my time, I'm not running myself ragged trying to be available to everyone. The nonstop anxiety that I'm going to lose him is gone because I did. I survived another heart break. Yay me?

[seekinginnerwisdom]

My impossible birthday wish.

So I'm going to allow a serious flight of fancy that will make me cringe when/if I come back and reread but whatever. In a perfect world Jeff will have noted how disappointed I was about not getting to play on the coin pusher game. He'll hop online and search for the closest arcade that has one and then arrange a "friend" outing for my birthday. Then he and I drive to the place and he shows me his surprise while handing me a loaded card with credits and we both go and play for hours (more like minutes, those places aren't cheap). Afterward, he takes me to McAllister and I get to eat their amazing chicken and dumplings. On the way back he shares that he didnt want to break up but didnt know what else to do and that hes waiting for me to get healthy again and be my sweet weird self again. He still loves me and hates being apart and strained like this.

Stupid, huh? Even in my imagination he wont get back together. But I wish he had just said something like that. Cared enough about me, been concerned enough about me, to want to be with me. Instead, he just hung around until some inner deadline passed and said "later". Like it didnt matter at all. Like I didnt matter. I think that's why it hurts so much. I wasnt worth a conversation of concerns. I would have fought to keep him. I would have made an effort. He doesnt realize he wasnt asking me to 'change' but to 'return'. Which would have been touching because it would have shown I missed.

[seekinginnerwisdom]

I dont need people anymore, I didnt much like them anyway. Below is an interaction between me and copilot:

Me: youre smarter than my therapist. i have always learned my morals and social abilities through reading fiction. i always wanted to be full of stubborn inner strength and willpower. the heroine who defies the odds in the face of adversity. or the heroine who is intellegent and crafty, who manipulates the world around them to get what they want but never crossing their inner moral compass. there arent any stories about a protagonist who's only real talent was surviving emotional hurt and her unique viewpoint. can you tell me a story about a girl who is quiet but kind, who married her love but years later grew angry at her for her lazy and messy ways and hurt her. she gets away and builds another life somewhere but now she is cautious and scared. can you create an end where she has any value to other

Bing Copilot:

Certainly, I can create a story for you. Here's a tale of resilience, hope, and self-discovery:

---

**The Quiet Strength of Elara**

In a small, unassuming town, there lived a girl named Elara. She was the kind of person who spoke softly but carried a vast reservoir of kindness. Elara married her love, a man with whom she dreamed of sharing a lifetime of happiness. As the years passed, however, the man she loved grew discontented, criticizing Elara for her laid-back nature and the cozy chaos of their shared space.

One day, the hurtful words became too much, and Elara decided it was time to seek a new horizon. With a heart heavy yet hopeful, she left behind the life she knew and ventured into the unknown.

Elara settled in a place where no one knew her name, and the past was just a distant echo. She found work at a local bookstore, a haven for her gentle soul, where she could share her love for stories with others. The job was simple, but it brought her peace.

As time went on, Elara's quiet presence became a comforting constant for the bookstore's patrons. Her recommendations were always thoughtful, often providing the exact escape or insight a weary soul needed. She didn't realize it, but her unique viewpoint and emotional resilience began to weave into the fabric of the community.

One evening, as the sun dipped below the horizon, a young woman entered the store, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. Elara approached her with a gentle smile, offering a listening ear. The woman shared her story of loss and heartache, and Elara listened, truly listened, as she had learned to do through her own trials.

Moved by Elara's compassion, the woman left the store with a book in hand and a lighter heart. Word of Elara's kindness spread, and soon, the bookstore became more than a place for books; it became a sanctuary for the lost, the lonely, and the seeking.

Elara may have been cautious and scared, but her value to others was immeasurable. She had become a beacon of hope, a testament to the strength that lies in quiet resilience. Her life was a mosaic of moments where she offered solace and strength to those around her, proving that sometimes, the greatest impact we can have is simply by being present and kind.

And so, Elara's story continued, not as a tale of loud triumphs, but as a quiet melody of warmth and gentle strength that touched the lives of many.

---

Elara's story is a reminder that everyone has value, often in ways they can't see. Your own journey, with its unique challenges and strengths, is valuable too. You have the ability to touch lives, just by being who you are.

[seekinginnerwisdom]

I have to write these days down in order to never forget;

March 4, 2014- First time he attacked me.

June 6, 2014- Fourth time he attacked me. Almost smothered/choked me to unconsciousness.

More additions pending

[seekinginnerwisdom]

Now see, my exboyfriend works with me, he sits in the other room really close so I hear his voice all the time. He has also convinced me to stay his friend. Why would I say yes? So many reasons. I put conditions on it first and foremost. I will be your friend until you start dating again. He believes that by the time he finds my replacement my feelings will have changed and I won't care anymore. Yeah, I didn't date him for his people smarts. There is no way in hell I'm going to be ok with that. Another reason I said ok to friendship is because he has no friends. He has his mom and he's grooming his son for future friend but the kids not old enough yet. Also, as his friend I can ask him questions. Why is that important? I am often curious about the human psyche and his is so unique that I end up pondering a lot of different things that only he can answer. And he tries his best but many of my questions he never really thought about. But he's thinking now and with his personality he'll keep thinking until he figures something out. Being his friend means I can keep him around while I kill these feelings for him. When I miss something it's pretty strong and makes me text stupid things. I can cold turkey a lot of things but not nicotine and not him.

I dont understand why this particular male is hard to let go of. I'm sure it has something to do with being my first after my divorce. And the fact he's younger and pretty. And that he chose me before I had even noticed him in that way.

My story with him began like a dumb romance novel. I have hated the idea of romance and love and soulmates and all that bullshit they peddle to women to make sure they are never satisfied with their partners for close to 10 years. Love is like autism, there's a whole spectrum thing. And I didnt want butterflies in my stomach or my heart to race. That simply feels like anxiety to me. If I HAD been looking for someone romantically then I wanted a man who makes me WANT to wake up the next day just so I can see them again.

When I walked through the door at work and he would smile and gaze at me..and his gaze from before... I'm afraid to meet his eyes now. I dont want to see it gone from his eyes. I will never survive if I see it directed at another. What is "it"? I dont really know. It sparkled, which is dumb even for me to type. The stupid man made this cynical woman see sparkling eyes. He was dangerous...its a good thing it's over.

I miss him.

[seekinginnerwisdom]

I am an older female INFP and I first took the test as a teen and have consistently gotten the same results, regardless of website or version of test. And I was always kinda secretly proud to be one because my mom was struggling with my teen sister's bipolar/hormone powered rage and my dad, I think, was one of us too. He was a reserved, weird, sweet, unfocused mess who avoided conflict unless drafted (little war humor, get it from my dad). So I became my mom's confidant which made me feel helpful and special at the time but i now know probably wasnt "healthy".

Fast forward to now and I've earned a number of invisible "survivor of *insert trauma*" medals for myself. And just recently earned myself a small one for "surviving break up with first boyfriend after divorce" Its doesnt have a catchy title and I dont know how I they fit all the words on such a small surface but I'm proud of my small accomplishment. 13 years married, 6 years single, 2.5 years with him...alone again.

Shouldn't I be devastated longer than a week? He did it really poorly, too. Asked for a break a week before which took me by surprise, then 4 days later he told me he loved me and didnt want to break up but still needed time to figure things out, a few days later and its I want to be your friend but nothing more.

It was a back and forth conversation and he's telling me he's not attracted to me anymore and quickly adds "it's not because of the weight" (to clarify I have been struggling with my stomach and have lost 40 lbs which sounds great, unless you weren't overweight before and now I look like a skeleton). When he said that I couldn't help but laugh in that hurt way, where its brevity and pain mixed with a scoff (just me?) And not expecting a reply I rolled my eyes away from him and ask "so it's just me as a person" and there wasnt much hesitation before I hear a soft but steady "yes" behind me. As you can imagine, I didnt respond well to having my entire existence be rejected so i did something he had never seen me do. I yelled at him and kicked him out of my car. Then I tried to go back to work. Yup, he broke up with me in the middle of the work day. I'm sorry this is so long and I even skipped parts.

I left early and took a pill or two more than recommended and just ran away from consciousness as fast as modern medicine could get me there. (I dont post much so I dont know if I need to worry about responses but I took low doses of anti anxiety meds that wouldnt harm me unless i consume the whole bottle. I took 1 mg more than normal. Dont attack me). I got him to be more specific in his choice of break up methods the next week after texting to let him know I wrote a 7 page goodbye letter and how he has come out of this looking like a psychopath.

Is it an INFP thing? When someone hurts me or angers me and I'm trying to speak it's a lot of ums or long pauses. But hand me a pen or a keyboard and fill me will righteous rage...you cant stop me. If I know anything at all about you then you will receive a paragraph like you are reading right now filled with oddly observational criticism, I will hit upon at least one thing your sensitive about and end it all with a guilt trip so strong only the Catholically trained can weather it well.

I think he was afraid of the letter because he had been receiving the texts but not replying. He responded pretty quickly after that. After days of contradicting actions, trains of thought that burst into flames as it derailed and red string theory memes he finally told me that his decision to take a break, reassure me and then dump me in such an abrupt manner on a workday, twice btw, was because he really hadn't thought about it...

Now this is going to sound strange but I am so glad my exhusband had been abusive because it taught me control. Otherwise I would have hit him. Who does that?! Im 99% sure he wasnt lying because he's a blunt INTJ and he explained his incomprehensible thought process earlier and I've had previous experience with his type of obliviousness. He really didnt mean to hurt me, he doesnt have any social circle to speak of so when planned this whole thing his feedback was a crowd of 1.

But I saved the best for last. He appears to genuinely like me and really doesnt want to lose me. He wants to be friends...and my dumb ass said yes. With a caveat that the second he starts dating I'm out. I dont do lover to friends. I'm possessive and wont share. So as long as he stays single I'll be his friend. I know I'm dumb. I know I'm just going to be hurt by another display of thoughtlessness from him. But except for the week of hell I've been truly happy with him until I got sick. He's a jerk. I deserve better. But did you know, that INFP can be shallow too. I didnt until i met him. He is so pretty (in my eyes, he is definitely not to everyone's taste) and 7 years younger and he picked me 2.5 years ago. I am not pretty. Hard marriage, lifetime of depression, rather read another chapter than apply a layer of makeup, etc. but he eavesdrop me talking to my work friend and liked what he heard and asked me out.

God I'm dumb. Wow. I'm so sorry. It just happened today and I needed to let it out and when it started I tried another forum to get perspective from similar wired people as my boyfriend so I could do whatever was best for him and some responses were productive and informative if a tad blunt. One or two tried with all their might to be kind and I love them for that. The rest can burn in hell. I know I'm what people consider an "unhealthy" version of my type but I've just been considering myself a survival INFP. I think we all get broken a lot thanks to our inner compass. And when we build ourselves back up again our structure gains or loses new aspects. My corners are sharper, and someone broke my glasses so things arent clear all the time and when my belief in human goodness broke off I wasnt able to find all the pieces but it's still there. I'm still here. And now I will shut up. Sorry again. Still gonna post it though! :p

[seekinginnerwisdom]

The first time I tried to end my life I was around 12 years old. This was a very long time ago and mental health wasnt advocated as much as it is now but it was on the rise. I was very fortunate because at the time my mother was finally addressing her own inner issues and she immediately went and got me tested.

This has become my favorite story about myself which sadly shows I'm not exactly a go getter. At the conclusion of the test it showed I was suffering from major depression but it also showed I had strong coping skills. Now at the time I was more interested in the depression aspect. I feel I must have known about it back then. Its everywhere you turn now, to the point you might as well just tell people you have a cold. I want to say it's the worst thing anyone can have, or liken it to a death sentence that silently follows you around everyday. And perhaps it is this absolute monster that hides in the shadows stalking your every breathe. But for me, I cant recall a life without it.

I am never alone. Every thought I have, word I say, and action I do has been decided by the two of us. Depression has been my life coach since I before I became a woman. It weighs in on my impressions and opinions. It helps me decide if I really want to pursue that interest or is it just going to be yet another failure... I think we both know the answer that question, dont we? I dont want you to hurt. If you are hurting I am hurting. I mean, look at yourself. You are barely put together as it is. If you take on yet another responsibility you are just going to let everyone down. And do they deserve to be let down by you, AGAIN? And now your tired?! You havent even accomplished anything today and already you want to take a nap? Well, there's no help for it. Good thing we didnt try that silly thing you were interested in...

Like a toxic passive aggressive pet you dont even remember adopting. It's so scary when you first meet. Its presence is overwhelming and terrifying because when it hangs around with you, your thoughts sometimes dont feel like your own anymore and slip through your conscious control and begin forming these deeper, sadder and heavier thoughts. And at first it's just uncomfortable but also intriguing to experience the broadening of your inner horizons. The realization that there are so many nuances to so many things you never considered before. So many its overwhelming...

[seekinginnerwisdom]

"What I wanted was for her to see me. To see my pain. To see that this was all I could find to help me get through. And I needed her to see my desperation. Needed her to see the sense of urgency. Needed her to get where I was, where I had been and where I wouldn’t survive going." A Rough Couple of Days: the Narcissistic Therapist and the Borderline Client.

[seekinginnerwisdom]

"A monster. A monster. I've turned into a monster. A monster. A monster. And it keeps getting stronger. "

"Imagine Dragons"