selfdiagnoseddepressedboy - Tumblr blog

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

When I was a kid I could read everything.

I could read all day and never have enough, anywhere with no sight issues, and I would enjoy every second of it.

Now reading has become something like a chore for me. I dropped a book after coming back to it like every 2 or 3 months, picked up another one and stopped reading it basically when I got to the last chapter. I can't even read a full article in a magazine.

I fucking suck.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

For some reason I hate knowing other people are having fun.

It's not that I envy them, I've reached that level where I don't want to get involved with other people in activities and wish I was just left alone in silence...

But then when I hear the music from a party in the distance, or I see a lot of people gather somewhere, I can't avoid thinking "can't you all just go away?"

For example, I live by the beach and in this period they're organizing some event for whatever the 15th of August is called in english, and I'm just constantly looking at these cars passing, filling up the area around my house, people going and making a mess, maybe starting fires in the beach at night and leaving all their litter behind because they're all polluting little bitches, and I've got this annoying music blasted 50 meters away from my window all day and night and I just want the rain to come down and ruin all their plans.

Knowing people are having fun not too far from me just... Drains my energies, completely. And I get salty about it as well.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

That's beautiful.

That's it.

Sirius

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

College is that place where you either succeed with max grades or you drop out.

There's no room for in-between mediocrity.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

God I wish that was me

Do you know that scene in Evangelion where Shinji realizes he wants to live and exist and try to like himself more, and then suddenly he's surrounded by all the people that he loved, cheering for him as he finally realizes what's wrong and good with him?

I want to be that. I want that to happen to me. I want to have that fucking realization and say "I want to live life at best because I don't hate myself anymore!" And then all the ones I love will be happy because I finally found my purpose, right?

Why can't I fucking have that?

You know what? I don't even need the whole interior monologue to find myself because I already know what's wrong with me, I just want to have the courage to fucking change it, so that it's no more something that pulls me down, but it can become the first step towards a better life. But why don't I have that courage? Why can't I just be done with all the bullshit in my life and admit that I was wrong, that I made mistakes?

Why am I not Shinji?

Because he's a fictional character, and life is much easier for him. It can be whatever he says, because there's no effort in it changing. It's easy for the main character of an anime to have an existencial crisis and make everything up with his life because that's just it. That's their purpose. And you know that if they believe in that thing, it will be so. No matter what your skills are, no matter your will or strenght, your character, your motivation...

But for real people it's different. We're not supposed to "function" properly and we definetly cannot choose to change from one day to another... So why are we shown these things that will only make us believe it's easy to be that thing we want to be?

It only draws us closer to despair. It carves a hole in our souls and makes us think "I'm such a worthless character, even Shinji made it and I'm here, wondering what is wrong with me."

So why can't I be Shinji, just for a brief moment?

When I first watched Evangelion I kinda didn't take it as seriously as I should've... I was messing around during the final monogue, not understanding anything about the real purpose of all that chatting, and I thought: "wtf is this?"

Now I look back at it and try to understand the meaning of all those words, try to pass through the barrier in my head that makes every concept unreadable. And the more I hear it, the more I think the only reason that I'm not happy is because I'm looking for happiness instead of what makes me happy.

I see happiness in the eyes of others and I believe I would be happy if I had what they had. But even if I achieve something, that's still not enough.

So why can't I just find my happiness? Why do I have to put up with all the half-satisfaction of reaching a goal I don't even care about and drown myself even deeper in self-deprecament?

Again, why can't I be like Shinji and find that reason to be happy?

I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this post, I just felt the urge to express my feelings somehow after rewatching that last scene from Evangelion for the undredth time... So thanks for putting up with me...

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Yet another day being blissfully clueless

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Me: I want to be in love.

Me, after getting what I asked for: get that shit off me pls

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Saying goodbye to someone by telling them "merry Christmas" has such a cozy and magical feeling it makes me feel like I'm in some cheesy Christmas movie.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Today I confessed to my crush.

She didn't accept it, but I was just really happy to have been able to tell her that. I've always had a rough time to express my feelings to others and even though it could've been much easier to just pretend it was nothing and think at how beautiful we could've been together, but would it be honest? I just wanted her to know how much I liked her, and even though I was rejected I now feel amazing!

So always talk to your crushes. There really isn't a loss; you can only gain something from the experience.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

There's two kinds of people

I want to kill myself.

I want to kill that person.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Whenever I see an empty house I get invaded by an unexplicable sadness. I think that that house once had people in it that called it "home" that shared memories no one will ever know about... Students, a couple in love, a whole family... And now they've moved on with their lives, parted ways, and maybe they forgot about that house and about all the emotions they felt while living in it.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

I really struggle at studying lately, and I've been getting a lot of advice like giving personality to my notes and such to make it easier to remember stuff...

Bold of you to assume I have a personality to actually put in my notes.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Depression is like playing Hide and Seek

Depression is like playing Hide and Seek because you keep hiding the fact that you're ill and you don't want others to find out, but you lowkey want to be found so things can get a turn, but everytime you try and come out of your hiding spot you just make a huge turn and it's like "maybe I'm depressed" and right after "jk lol there's no way something could go wrong in my life" and so you keep biting your tongue for being such an ass for keeping it in and eventually you get to a breaking point where you either get found or you explode.

Of boredom, if you're playing Hide and Seek. Otherwise it's meant literally.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Last night I was just chilling at our family bar and it got time to close down, so I got up and started gathering the chairs and tables.

Then my mother saw a bunch of ants walking around some grease or else that dropped down on the floor. So she went and took the bug killer spray and sprayed it on them a few times.

At first the ants didn't look troubled. Then they started moving slowly and trembling, while some other stopped on the floor dead. Then I stayed to witness the rest of the ants slowly dying, while some of them writhed in pain and others futilly tryed to get away from the poison. It was devastating! I wanted to cry.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

I wish I read more

For the summer I had made a program to finish at least the book I was reading at the moment (a collection of short stories from Stephen King) and start a new one as soon as possible, but then I realized I barely took the book in my hands.

When I read, I need to prepare for it, I need to be calm and need my time to go through the book. I used to finish 600+ pages books in mere months when I was little, but now I barely find the time to read a few pages...

And that's supposed to be bad for a guy who wants to be a writer.

[selfdiagnoseddepressedboy]

Might do this shit. Lately my back has been hurting for every little movement I did wrong...