sendmenot

[sendmenot]

9/25/18 Butterflies and Farewells

Hey there, devil. Yes, you! That’s my pet name for you (and I also call you lolo but hey, who cares).  

It’s already 1:20am, and I just really need to release these thoughts I have inside. Just got home around 12:30am. I’ve had the loveliest night in months, truth be told.

It started earlier when I was playing league. Paul (you) suddenly messaged me whilst I’ve just started playing a normal game with a friend (lil’ bro K). 

“ how far are u from makati? “, your message read. 

“ let’s go out tonight! cmon cmon “

I got really excited when you asked me out. After the game ended, I showered as fast as I could and put on cute clothes and make-up. I was late, but hey, it’s deffo not my fault! You asked me out so suddenly!!! My heart wasn’t ready...

I first saw your back. You were wearing a gray shirt with black tones. You were fiddling your phone. I tapped your arm and announced my arrival. You smiled; Gods, it was such a beautiful smile. I love the way your eyes sparkled as you smiled. We were awkward for a bit; we haven’t seen each other for months (although we have been talking a lot for the past 6 months)! After a few moments of awkwardness, you told me that our grab driver has arrived. We looked for it, but we were too stupid to see it right before our eyes, hahaha~

Inside the car, we were just making small talk. I made sure not to sit too close to you. We aren’t even touching! You showed me your waifus and your beloved love live game. You suck at playing on pro mode!!!! :P

At long last, we’ve finally arrived at our destination. It was already around 9 pm. We ordered food and drinks. You told me that they serve local beer there and that you really wanted to try them. It was a tad bit too sweet for your tastes though. More conversations followed as we munched on our chips and chicken nuggets.

I told you that I’ve had the weirdest dreams for the past few weeks. (A.K.A. the preggo dreams). You called me a slut!!!! But I laughed it off, knowing that you were just kidding. As it turns out, you’ve been having nightmares of your own. You’ve dreamt of your ex gf doing something really bad, and you were trying to get her to stop doing that thing. There was another dude, and she’d rather listen to that dude AND flirt right there on your face, instead of believing you. You were pissed- hell, you LOOKED pissed. Kinda scary, truth be told. I wanted to hug you right then there but opted not to. It might not be welcomed yet..

I just let you rant about it- the way you wanted to get back with her, but couldn’t. There’s always doubt at the back of your mind. I played that role again, and I guess that’s just how it is with us. I know I’ve had my share of rants to you as well, and you never complained. I just extended the courtesy back to you; there’s nothing I can do about it at this point.

You took out your phone and told me to log on my okc account. I noticed that you weren’t even hiding your phone when you were putting in the code. (Yeah, I notice the little things) You told me to match with some guys and that you’ll chat them up. We’ve had fun looking at weird profiles, pointing out our observations.

Out of the blue, you suddenly asked me if I’m going home soon to Japan. 

“Yeah, but not so soon though”, I replied.

“But we’ll keep in touch, right? Let’s keep in touch!”, you said.

“Of course! Knowing you- there’s probably an ulterior motive behind that, yes? You wanted a dakimakura?”, I asked.

“No, not that.”

“I thought you wanted that? You told me so before.”

“That was before. I want figurines.”

Suddenly, you told me that you were leaving Manila soon. You were going back to your hometown, Iloilo. Tomorrow (later), to be precise. 

I suddenly felt really sad. There’s this crushing feeling and I feel so suffocated. It’s as if I have forgotten how to breathe. I can’t sleep right now since I’m still thinking about this lovely night we’ve had. I can’t handle how miserable I feel. 

Anyhoo, you told me the reason why you hated our school. Guess all schools are actually rotten to the core. You told me how school wasted your potential, and that you wished you could have gotten an apprenticeship instead (since your father already asked). You told me how you hated the fact that your father has a lot of connections, which is the precise reason why you avoided your previous school/ course. Gods, we laughed and ranted our hearts out tonight! I totally had a lot of fun! I just wish that it was the same for you.

A few drinks later and my bladder can’t take it anymore. I asked you to accompany me to the rest room (we were both new to the place, haha). God, you were so adamant not to! 

“God, do that to your okc boys.”

I saw you smoking outside, upon returning from the restroom and decided to just join you. I’d rather spend my time standing beside you than sitting by myself alone. You asked if I had a curfew and I shook my head. You asked for my address so you can walk me to my house. 

“It’s fine. Let’s just go back where we met tonight. I can walk home.”

“No! What kind of man do you think I am? I might be an asshole, but I’m a gentleman with etiquette. Speaking of which, will you offer me coffee?”

“NO.”

“Don’t you have etiquette? I was hoping to get atleast a glass of water..”

“Nawp, go home already!”

I noticed a cool place while we were in the car. It had a  humongous display of dino skeleton! I pointed it out to you and you said:

“Yeah, next time I come back..”

We got out of the car and started walking towards my house. There was a car passing by, but it won’t hit me by no means. You jokingly said:

“See! If I weren’t here to escort you home, you’d probably get hit by that car!”

“That car won’t hit me at all! And I’m not that drunk; I can walk home.”

“Naaaah, I’ll walk with you.”

We walked a looooooong way from the lrt station. Welp, I love walking home. Especially if I get to walk by your side...

You were panting by the time we were on our street! It was funny ‘cause you kept complaining. I think it’s cute though...

Soon enough, you were in the car, on your way home. We bid our goodbyes. I waited on our street until I can’t see that car anymore. It dawned upon me right then- the sadness I was trying to hide tonight when you told me that you were going home. We won’t play league together anymore; you’re gonna try your best to act like a responsible adult.

At home, I saw a message on my discord. It was from you.

“ you home yet? “

I thanked you for the lovely evening. 

“you're welcome! praise me more!!! im home n btw”

“ That was fast @@ You're the greatest human being to ever grace the planet~ “ 

“ man... make it a little more believable at the least “

“Alriiiggght”

“try again~ go!!”

“ You're an asshole but at the same time a gentleman “

“ see was that so hard!? work on the delivery though “

“ Which is highly contradictory “

“ no its not. u suck “

“ U suck too “

I remember consulting runes about a month ago. It said that my future decisions will rely on someone else leaving. Someone close to me. I thought that was my friends- Maj and Nikki were sent home as well. I don’t get to see them a lot anymore. Sleepovers were over. Their absence hit me as well, but it did not prepare me for what I’d feel when you said that you were leaving... 

Guess it’s time for me to grow up as well. No more hiding behind the safety of my room. I just wish I hugged you before you left... 

I realized it last night, you know? My feelings for you. Told myself not to fall since I’m still trying to heal myself from the scars of the past- I knew you were on the same boat. That didn’t help though. I still fell for you, stupid cocky human. 

Come back soon, alright? I’d love to hear your stories again. 

Love, Amoeba

P.S. You took me by surprise when you asked me to go out with you.

 “Let’s date! I won’t cheat on you.”

Tongue-tied, I just laughed it off. I didn’t know what to say. You looked serious but I didn’t know if you were just kidding or not. Ask me again when we’re both ready, okay?

[sendmenot]

9/22/18 Preggo dreams

For the past few weeks, I kept on having dreams of being pregnant and giving birth to a lovely baby boy. Just moments before waking up, I remember holding this beautiful child in my arms and being the happiest being in the whole world. I felt weak after delivering the baby, but oh, how content I was when I finally saw his smiling, innocent face! 

The dream then jumps into a different scene. I saw my old art teacher at uni who I’ve had a beef with. She was my professor again, and she told us to write a poem and draw symbols associated with the poem that we wrote. Mia, one of my grade school classmates was my classmate again in that class! She was telling me the things I have missed, and that I can catch up again. At first, I was scared of having Miss C as my professor again, but it seems like she was also scared of handling me again, too. We kinda befriended each other in this dream...

Mia then got a call from her mother, who told her to go home immediately. 

Next dream sequence happens inside my very home. I saw my aunt (who was now working abroad irl) looking like what she used to look like, after giving birth to one of my cousins. In this dream, she just also gave birth and was weak af. She was looking at me in the most kindest way, and was giving me tips on how to handle my baby. My uncle was at home; so were my cousins K, L, and D. They were the picture of a happy family. My aunt was telling my uncle to lend her some of his t-shirts, and my uncle jokingly said that she has to pay him with “something” (wink wink). At this point, I was just observing them from a distance until the next jump began.

Suddenly, I found myself on the 9th-floor lobby of the SDA building of our school. There were posters everywhere saying “Cats aren’t evil!”. It was weird as you can imagine! Those posters were ironic, tho, for they are saying that cats aren’t evil, but were showing menacing photos of cats. Poor advertising on their part, hahaha! 

Whilst I was in the lobby, I saw my old world history teacher from a different uni. I asked him for advice regarding the homework Miss C gave us, and he was enthusiastic about talking to me about literary devices and whatnots. He also told me that he’s heard I’ve had a baby and congratulated me for being a trouper and raising a lovely kid. 

And then I woke up.

[sendmenot]

Uncertainty (2016)

Found one of my old entries from 2016. It was around that time when I was still scared of my feelings for you. To be honest, it’s fun re-reading this entry.

Until another wave of nostalgia kicks in and I have to cry again.

Here goes nothing!

It was…. around 1st semester, midterms. Last week of August, if my memory serves me right. He suddenly chatted me up, asking for movie recommendations. I still quite remember it vividly. Funny, I have never quite remembered something else quite vividly other than my memories with Jaspher. Our first meeting, though, I don’t really remember much. I have always felt that you were going to be just as phase that’s going to help me learn. And learn I did.

You were amusing. Have always thought that you were an idiot. An idiot who’s always on with the latest fad; like a mindless zombie who jumps at the caravan. But then, as I got to know you even better…. You were more than that. I’m even smiling as I’m typing these words down. Yes, you were an idiot who doesn’t even know what the word “babble” means, and you always have to google the things I say, but were an amazing idiot. You’ve got this wonderful imagination, that you could come up with crazy, crazy stories! I loved those bedtime stories that you have made up, complete with sound effects.

We chatted up for about a month. Around that time, it was just for fun. You always flirted and I flirted back. God, I love those little flirtation competitions that we used to do! Then there were the dares and that’s where it sort of started. Well, not really.

First date. Not our official first date, but I primped up when you first asked me out. It was a saturday; you had no classes but you still came just because I do.. I was so nervous; I thought, “omg this is my first date!!! What should I wear?!” I fussed so much that I bought new clothes! Casually told my grandmother that it was just so I would look trendy every saturday. Little does she know that her little girl was actually trying to be a lady for once.

I asked Liezel to come with us. I was really nervous. Nevertheless you were late!! Hahahahaha, quite a fail for a first hang out session. Because of that my nerves kind of settled and Liezel and I had a laugh or two about you being late. You wore an oversized red shirt. Looks kind of sloppy, but red is your color. Pants with garters at the end, and you wore those black ‘quite like stocking’ socks for ladies! Hah, you were fond of them. So we rode a jeepney, went to Robinson. You even paid for our fares, what a gentleman! I was quiet the whole time, being so anxious.

‘What if he doesn’t like me? What if I fail this first attempt at hanging out?” Those words echoed in my head. It’s been a year after my heartbreak with Jaspher. I wasn’t quite sure how to navigate the dating waters again. Oh, yes! I knew even then that you were making moves with me! Hahaha, you can’t fool a pisces girl like me. I just thought then, “What the hell! Let’s give it a try since I quite like him. He’s interesting enough.”

We ate at the food court. Another fail! You ended up eating my food, pancit hahahhaa what a greedy guy :3 You ordered a new one though, hahaha. We talked about lots of things- braces, veganism, meat and dairy, restaurants you know… We then played at time zone and we used your card. Bashfully, I really didn’t want to show my competitive streak at games. And what if I fail?! Oh, the shame! Hahaha but you were just so good at making me comfortable. And when we sang, my facade was all looooooong gone. We were just belting out songs; singing at the top of our lungs! Even Liezel, the ever shy one, got to sing! Fun times! I almost never wanted to come back to school for world history, hahaha. We came back late, but everything’s okay. Tan was there, and oh! We took photos as well by the photo booth and we’ve shown those pics to Tan. Even to sir Mendez, hahaha! He speculated that you were courting me but we denied it! What could you expect from the denial queen?

I must end this for now. Will write more of our escapades from last year. I just feel.. nostalgic and really sad about it. Sad because I have just lost a dear friend. Can’t really blame you for being so bitter with me. I did love you, but it was the kind of love that wasn’t meant to be. All this time… I knew that all of this had a time limit. And somehow, maybe, that time limit was just in my head, waiting for any excuse to stop it. We were getting intimate. I’ve never been intimate with anyone, and it feels so vulnerable. The timing wasn’t quite right. I suppose I haven’t healed myself quite yet. Valentine’s day was just an ordinary day; just like any other day. It would’ve been magical if we continued our date… but no. I’ve got to to stop this. I can’t deal with it. I’m so complex, I don’t even know myself.

We reconciled and dated afterwards. Then, we became a proper couple. 

[sendmenot]

9/20/18- Still Into You

Was listening to Paramore songs again on a midnight. Paramore was always associated to your name since they are your favorite band. Decided to check up on you (on twitter), and saw that you were tweeting All Time Low lyrics. 

What’s wrong? What’s bothering you? I wish I can take you in my arms right now and say that everything’s gonna be alright. But alas, I can’t do that anymore. You wouldn’t let me, and I highly deserve that. 

I cheated and broke your precious heart. I’m sorry. No words can take those bad memories away, but I’ll keep on apologizing. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry...

Somehow, I’d like to believe that we are still linked somehow. The red string of fate. You aren’t exactly a fan of ATL but after our break up, people have been telling me that you kept on tweeting my favorite band’s song lyrics. Don’t you think it’s weird? We are connected thru music right now by listening to each others’ favorite bands. Back then, you don’t really listen to my music recommendations and vice versa. I thought Paramore’s new sound is too different and you thought that ATL was too pop for your tastes. 

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd."

Over the past few nights, I’ve been having this weird impulse to rewatch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Do you remember? I was the one who recommended the movie to you. It was one of our first conversations that lead to many late nights of just talking about life in general. Of the dreams we’d like to achieve. Of the skeletons in our closets. We shared vulnerability and came up with something beautiful- companionship. You were the Joel to my Clementine. I was the girl with dyed hair who tries to keep a bubbly facade. Too childish and immature for this world. On the other hand, you were a deep thinker who’s always wondering about something. Someone who’s full of emotional scars and is terrified of getting rejected..

I miss you so bad. I’m doing my best to make peace with my demons but it’s hard. I always find myself thinking of you- of how you laugh without restraint. How you always lend me your jacket and how warm your arms are when you hug me. I miss your perfume and I miss hearing your voice. I miss how you calm me down when I start to panic; how you make up jokes just to make me laugh when I’m sad. I miss eating your special spicy curry! I miss the way you bring me sushi when I’m sick because sushi is one of my favorite food. Gods, I’ll give everything just to have you back.

I still can’t swim. You tried to teach me, but I was too terrified to dive and trust you to pull me back before I start to drown. Looking back, I was petrified of a lot of things. I said I’d trust you but I didn’t. 

I should have trusted you. 

I’m not gonna make excuses; I’m a pathetic excuse of a human being. What would I do to feel your warmth again.... 

I love you, always.