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[serialtrials]

Four Months

One of the greatest illusions in life is continuity. The continuity of the dinosaurs had been going on for around 165 million years, and that didn’t seem to change. That illusion broke, the moment the asteroid escaped the shadow of the earth, and appeared in the night sky. Now, my asteroid has appeared in the sky, and it is going to collide in 4 months. My illusion of continuity has been broken, with several implications. 

Now, every moment in life feels like a fleeting image that needs to be grasped greedily, to collect as many “impressions” as possible, as if my survival and sanity in my new era depend on it. In a way, it feels as if every moment is a fist full of sand, falling from my fingertips. The perpetual feeling of running out of time though, has unlocked entirely new emotions within me. Knowing for certain that a stage of your life is reaching its terminal state, with the beginning and ending delineated, you feel as though you’re reading a novel. This is one profound implication among many others, of the 4-month asteroid. And “four” is essential: no more so I’d never lose sight of the asteroid, and no less to stay within a safe distance from action mode. 

Now the continuity is shattered, and I know when the story ends, just like a book, and somehow, every old experienced feeling is peculiar. It feels as though I’m observing myself from the outside, like reading descriptions of what a character is thinking and feeling. And this inspires more sympathy towards myself, and my story. It evokes a sense of impartiality.  

I had almost forgotten that I’d been living in a system of tyranny, like a fish in toxic waters, failing to remark on its dire condition. Today, I re-grasped the desperate position with a nudge, but this time around, the realization of adversity felt different.

Somewhere in the back of my head, defeat never felt like “defeat”, and victory was never really “victory”. I had a difficult time feeling my feelings, and a much easier time dealing with them. My feelings would at most, manifest as reactions in my physical shell. Somehow, I’ve always exempted myself from “the crowd”, but in this case, I was the NPC, and “the crowd” was always the protagonist, worthy of profound emotions, grand suffering to cleanse the soul, edification, and the triumph of victory. 

But today, I got to drink my feelings like some flaming brandy. It burned, I cried, and I felt. Then, I went to the end of the long corridor in the school building and turned the pages back 2 years. The pages moved forward as people moved about, and I drank again.

It is quite paradoxical how one shifts between feeling like the heroine and an insignificant creature in the grand story of being. This is still a mystery to me, but I believe it all comes down to my “Uncertainty”. This lethal Uncertainty that’s been following me everywhere I go, looming in every dark corner of my room, waiting for me to discover it time and time again, all anew, while sneering at the intensity of my passions. But in these 4 months, I know it will all feel more profound, because every experience feels like a novel, and there’s no uncertainty about the profundity of stories and legends. And right up to the collision of the asteroid of discontinuity, I will indulge in my cherished impressions, before plunging again into the absurd.

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"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I come to die, discover that I had not lived."

Thoreau

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The Contemplator

She was on the train last night, reading The Stranger. When she reached her station, she stayed there to finish the remaining pages. Then she walked home. The streets were deserted, and she decided not to listen to any music on her way that night. In retrospect, it was really just like Dostoyevsky described the painting The Contemplator. She was all by herself, on the street, in deepest solitude. An insignificant little woman, in jeans and a pale linen shirt; standing there as if lost in thought, but she’s not thinking, she’s “contemplating” something. If you nudged her, she would look at you as if just woken up, without understanding anything. If you asked her what she’d been thinking about, she would most likely not remember. But she would keep hidden away in herself the impression she had been under while contemplating. These impressions are dear to her, and she’s storing them up imperceptibly and even without realizing it, why and what for, perhaps suddenly, having stored up her impressions over many years, she will drop everything and wander off into the woods to save her soul. Or perhaps she will suddenly burn down her town, or perhaps, she will do both. She is greedily hoarding up her impressions, hardly knowing why. 

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When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer

When I heard the learn’d astronomer,

When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,

When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,

When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room,

How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,

Till rising and gliding out I wander’d off by myself,

In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,

Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

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Uncertainty

It's been over a year since my last post, and a lot has happened. Right now, I'm focused on the next significant step for my future: applying for a Master's program.

Recently, I've been contemplating uncertainty, inspired by an episode called "Uncertainty" from my favorite app, Waking Up. This coincided with a conversation with a professor of mine, which encouraged me to reflect on my mathematical passions. But first, I need to present a short background.

My first passions in university were Algebra and Number Theory. I took several courses in that field and wrote my thesis on a diophantine equation. In parallel, I found fascination in logic and the foundations of mathematics, particularly through a certain on Category Theory called Mathematical Structuralism a la Grothendieck. It connected me with mathematics at a much deeper and more philosophical level.

During my talk with the professor, I was struck by his insights into the mindsets of mathematicians in different fields. It reminded me of the limitations of human perception, as explained in "We are Here." Of how some people fool themselves all their life, thinking they are pursuing the truth, and the ones that ignore it altogether.  

This sudden awaremess scared me. At that instant, I felt like I needed to know just how deep mathematics goes. I needed the knowledge of where the truth lies. Not the truth itself, but simply the direction that leads to it. 

In the end, as an undergraduate, I recognize that I can't expect to grasp the full depth of mathematics, and I will never achieve that. Embracing uncertainty is my current path, and I won't allow it to paralyze me into inaction. I'll just float in the uncertainty, and come to terms with the fact that I will probably never know anything for certain. Life is good.

My first passions in university were Algebra and Number Theory. I took several courses in that field and wrote my thesis on a diophantine equation. In parallel, I found fascination in logic and the foundations of mathematics, particularly through a certain on Category Theory called Mathematical Structuralism a la Grothendieck. It connected me with mathematics at a much deeper and more philosophical level.

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Being Human

Contemplating :) 

Cyclic Group of Order 1 · Being Human (Demo)

Chords: Gm Dm/A Am Gm (Am Dm/A Gm) July 7th 2022 (3:30PM)

Desert nights, astronauts Holograms of reaching all the stars Earth is small, from afar Just a few things that make me cry

I've been breaking time and time again Cause I've been running around It's a tough choice between life and demise But I've been told that the war in your mind Is what defines being human

Rainy days, human bonds Nature walks and beautiful songs History of dead kings and queens Just a few things that break my heart

I've been breaking time and time again Am I wistful by design? It's a tough choice between life and demise But I've been told that the war in your mind Is what defines being human 

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Manifesto

This song is for the people who still believe in the current Iranian regime and choose to ignore the blood that it is spilling. 

Cyclic Group of Order 1 · Manifesto

Chords: E G#m/Eb C#m Eb Finished on June 8th 2022 (Wednesday 10PM)

Watching your TV  The stickers on your window painting New York city  Ignoring your heavy bleeding I’m heavy  What if you opened Opened your door, and you saw  You are stuck in this deep endless blackhole that you’re calling home

What’s the point of looking at this city  When I can take a photo of the galaxy  And stick it to my window Play it everyday in my memories

What if you could just look outside of your window Take a deep breath and feel at this wind blow This is just a "use your eyes" manifesto  The kids are cleaning windshields, begging at the terminal And dad has got no bread, he screams at the king "No!" This is just a "use your eyes" manifesto 

Watching my TV The bake shop has no dough but the barracks' never empty I know you see this blood So don't you feel heavy? What if you opened Opened your eyes, and you saw There are millions of these people firm on taking back their home 

What's the point of being a human being When you're a slave and he's your majesty Take my hand and History will play you everyday In her memories 

What if you could just look outside of your window Take a deep breath and feel at this wind blow This is just a "hold my hand" manifesto  The kids are cleaning windshields, begging at the terminal And dad has got no bread, he screams at the king "No!" This is just a "hold my hand" manifesto 

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Be my friend?

:_) 

Cyclic Group of Order 1 · Be my friend?

Chords: C Em/B Am (G F Am) Date: May 7th 2022 (Saturday 10PM)

I kinda like you , I really like you  You’ve got a quiet face  I would love to know more about you  And your music taste  When we talk about things, I think We’re similar in striking ways  Now I fall for you again This time with some grace  

But I know when I try to love somebody  The universe pressures me into loving nobody 

Makes me pay (x2) Is it me or they who run away? I’m okay without a friend  But this time I might change my ways  So if you ever hear this song  Will you please be my friend?

You care for justice and social issues  Politics too  And I’m a passionate mess for truth  I think that’s what drives me to you  When we talk about things, I think  We’re similar in crazy ways  Now I talk to you again  This time with no shame 

But when I try to care deep for somebody  The universe asks me “Ain’t you better with nobody?”

Makes me pay (x2) Is it me or they who run away? I’m okay without a friend  But this time I might change my ways  So if you ever hear this song  Will you please be my friend?

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Coffin

Anybody with the slightest idea about the Iranian regime knows what I’m talking about here. I don’t wanna be convicted of تشویش اذهان عمومی, اقدام علیه امنیت ملی, تبلیغ علیه نظام or anything of the sort but here we go. 

Cyclic Group of Order 1 · Coffin

Chords: G F E Finished on May 4th 2022 (Wednesday 9PM)

Humanity can truly come up with foolish things God damn Free-riding cause you can? And who said that one man can lead an entire nation With one brain and hand Cause you’re like 83 and I’m 21 The only thing you haven’t seen is World War One But you are never wrong

One day You will die and I’ll be looking at your coffin And I’ll be smiling Cause you did me wrong (x3) Yeah you killed the sons of Iran

Three thousand years of culture couldn’t prevent these blind and foolish views You see, bullets and nooses are the way they respond to me and you Even if I die, they’ll need 80 million minus 1 shots Even if some don’t know now, history will connect the dots

One day I will die and you’ll be looking at my coffin I hope that you’ll be smiling Cause I did you right (x3) No I didn’t leave without a fight

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Lilly

About 2 years ago, I was freestyling and got the idea for the chorus of this song. It was left untouched for about a year, then I wrote the first verse. Then it took about 6 more months for me to finish the lyrics on the 5th of April 2022. I have Nicki to thank for it. :) 

Cyclic Group of Order 1 · Lilly (finally finished the lyrics...)

Chords: B G#m A# D#m

Lilly, I like to fantasize about who I'll be I cried on my way home But I look so fucking silly

Now the animal in me wants to go for a walk Though I tried to convince it to settle for a talk

And the light of the thoughts and the reason Falls into its evening Back to looking for my room in the stars My room in the stars My place in the skies My room in the stars 

Lilly, they told me to pick some values from the sea They told me to follow my passion but I don't know what they mean I have ambitions but I don't know what it brings I'm laughing at the honor of the kings

And the light of the thoughts and the reason Falls into its evening Back to looking for my room in the stars My room in the stars My place in the skies My room in the stars 

Oh every night that goes on God I wanna be normal I don't wanna be normal I just wanna behave But then why should I behave Don't wanna die unknown

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Thoughts

Firstly, Pluto’s moon’s rotation speed matches that of Pluto’s so it appears stationery in Pluto’s sky and for some reason that is oddly satisfying and creepy to picture at the same time. 

Imagine a sapient species on Pluto. The rich capitalists would probably live on the side where they could see the moon. The others would live on the other side. They would have slangs for the moon people. The rich ones also probably have derogatory terms for the ones who live on the dark side. I’m so inspired and I feel like writing an entire science fiction story about this. 

Secondly, this randomly crossed my mind for some reason and I’m laughing so hard and I can’t stop thinking about it:

Nullholz,

Dreimetall 

Get it? AH I CAN’T BREATHE.

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کدخدایی که گمان کرده خدای ده ماست

کدخدایی که گمان کرده خدای ده ماست کدخدایی که گمان کرده خدای ده ماست کدخدا نیست خدا نیست بلای ده ماست کدخدا نیست خدا نیست بلای ده ماست روزگاریست به گوش همه خواند که خداست روزگاریست به گوش همه خواند که خداست خانه اش در ده ما نیست جدای ده ماست بینوا بی خبر از حال و هوای ده ماست بینوا بی خبر از حال و هوای ده ماست بینوا بی خبر از حال و هوای ده ماست کدخدا دیر زمانیست که دیوانه شده ست کدخدا دیر زمانیست که دیوانه شده‌ ست از زمانی که به دیدار خدا رفته و در خانه شده ست خانه را دیده خدا را نه ولی با همه بیگانه شده ‌ست غافل از آن که خدا در همه جای ده ماست بینوا بی خبر از حال و هوای ده ماست بینوا بی خبر از حال و هوای ده ماست بینوا بی خبر از حال و هوای ده ماست

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من مردم را به طور کلی دوست دارم، ولی وقتی، با تک تک آنها رو به رو می‌شوم- به جز در موارد بسیار نادر- احساس تنفر می‌کنم، برایم غیر قابل تحمل می‌شوند، از کوره در می‌روم و چشم دیدنشان را ندارم

اواریست گالوا، لئوپولد اینفیلد، ترجمه پرویز شهریاری روی چمنای جلوی پردیس علوم دانشگاه، یکشنبه ۹ اسفند ۱۳۹۹

Annnnd, here’s a piece I’m learning right now instead of doing my actual piano homework.

P.S A world in which all text editors support Farsi script in an elegant manner would be Utopia.

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Today, I would like to share with you the 8th prelude in Bach’s “The Well-Tempered Clavier”. Another one of my classical obsessions this year in one of my favorite keys ever: ✨ E - f l a t    m i n o r ✨ Though I really like C-sharp minor, G minor, and B-flat minor as well. 

Being a non-perfect pitch human being, if you play 2 different minor scales with a delay in-between, I wouldn’t notice the difference so why are these keys so freaking different? I mean, I get that the pieces are different. (Duh) but these keys all feel so different. (Duh) Don’t judge me, most of the music theory I’ve learned is via reading mathematical music papers. 

Also listen: Fugue XIII in E♭m

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The rest of the proof is left as an ✨ e x e r c i s e ✨

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۲۲ بهمن

آه که غمگینم  ساعت یک و چهل و هشت دقیقه‌ی نیمه شب است می‌دانی این یعنی چه؟ یعنی که حال روزی دیگر است ای کاش می‌توانستم در هر دو جهت به یک نقطه‌ی زمانی نزدیک شوم اگر می‌شد، هدفم ۲۲ بهمن است

پیروزی انقلاب آسمانی و مقدس اسلامی ایران بر همه‌ی شما مبارک باد

Real Music 

🇮🇷

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“Human Rights”

Once a German guy asked me if I’d read the book 1984. He then said that he feels like he’s living in a similar condition. He believed all governments are corrupted and that everything is a facade. Of course, that wasn’t too appealing for me. A lot of Iranians would leave everything behind to be able to live in Germany. While America and Europe are the epitome of (realistically applicable) justice to my Iranian brain, this got me thinking.

All countries have human rights issues, some more frequent than the others. We live in a world where human rights is quite fashionable and if there’s a human rights issue occurring somewhere, other (doubtlessly non-ally) countries can pressure the said country into respecting human rights. This in turn can help leverage a world where more nations comply with human rights. Or more accurately, a world where nations won’t dare break human rights because that will simply be undesirable trouble. 

As an example, suppose Somelandica and Othercountria oppose eachother. If Othercountria does shady things like jailing journalists, Somelandica will use that to demonize Othercountria. This might in turn pressure Othercountria into having more freedom of press. What I’m trying to say is, you’re less likely to cross the line when you’re being watched. 

Here’s my rather off-putting conclusion: Maybe we the people are better off if our countries have enemies. 

But really, I’m not being serious. Is there a word for “thinking” that doesn’t imply being “logical”? Because that is what I’m doing. It is highly improbable that countries would be jailing journalists and things of the sort in a world so advanced that nations don’t fight. Obviously, there are other structures besides scrutiny that cause countries to abide by human rights.