serotonindeprivation-blog

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

Sunday - 18/03/18

Maybe I should make this a monthly thing? I kinda hope nobody actually reads these. This week was the worst in a long long time. Between fighting with my best friends, bad news, being hysterical to the point where suicide has entered my mind all week and I’m still not sure on how to come back from this.  Hand on heart, I 100% feel like a burden, like a hassle which people honestly wouldn’t care if I was gone.  Many people would probably be relieved.  I don’t really get why people see me as such a horrible, mean person and why I’m getting into fights with everyone in my life; even my landlord. I have no confidence, I can’t go on dates, I miss Tyler so much with all my heart but I know he’s happy with someone else now so I’m not gonna enter his life again, I don’t think I’ll even apply for a PhD cause I really don’t think I deserve it, will get it or will be able to even do it. Like where do I go from here? One positive thing from this week was that I learned something new about 2 people in my life, about how much they care and have my back. This week could have went a lot worse if it wasn’t for them. But yeah, I can’t get him off my mind no matter how I try. I’m listening to the songs he used to play on his speaker over and over, thinking about the balcony, about town, our sleepovers, his clothes...fuck, even his damn parents. I hope he’s okay. I’m seeing Brophy next week, I don’t know how it’ll go, probably end up in tears. Or else, the complete opposite where I’ll be chirpy and pretend everything is rosy. I just feel like so many tabs are open in my head; friendships, exes, how i’m alone, my body, Thailand, college grades, after college, PhD, thesis, everything.  I can’t get the feeling of fear and hopelessness that I felt on Thursday night out of my head, it won’t leave me. 

I hope to talk to you soon. 

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

Saturday - 12/02/18

I’m still here.  Year 5 of dealing with depression and anxiety, but now more so depression.  I’m just after reading over my old posts and it feels weird that it was half a decade ago, so much has changed, happened.  In one of my last posts I was debating going down the medication route; I’m on them for nearly 2 years now.  I’ve had some really good times, but extremely bad times, including another break up; which I saw his valentines post with his new girl just last night...  I can’t believe I’m in 4th year of college, my final year, and it’s destroying me.  I’m sure everyone feels this, like what do I do with my life when it’s all over?  We (Becca, Sarah and I) had plans to go to cali for the summer, but that fell through.  Now we are planning to go to Thailand for 3 weeks, and I’m terrified tbh.  I don’t want to stay here for another summer, bored, lonely and not having interactions with people, but then again I’m scared to leave everything I know.  On another note, everyone is happy in relationships as usual, except me.  I always wonder am I the common denominator, the problem?  So to conclude, I’m still depressed.  I’m aware I sound completely negative and ungrateful, and that I should be proud of how far I have come and how I’ve just got my results of 4 out of 5 firsts in my exams.  If I had to describe myself in 5 words; lonely, scared, empty, panic and upset.  I’m trying to take it one day at a time but it’s really difficult.  That insta post is really eating away at me.   

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

Tuesday - 24/12/13

This is the worst Christmas I've had. I woke up at half 11 and I only got out of bed like 15 minutes ago because I didn't have the energy to get up. My dad asked me to help wrap mam's Christmas present, and then proceeded to shout at me because I didn't get her anything. At the beginning of December I was unbelievably excited about Christmas and now I don't even care if I don't wake up tomorrow at all. The only person I bought presents for dumped me last week and I just can't bear it. Whenever I think of one of our memories or how we used to be so happy together it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach repeatedly. My appetite still isn't back, I haven't eaten today as of yet. I'm so jealous of everyone, being happy, enjoying Christmas, having someone of their own to spoil and love. My first love has had 3 Christmas' with his girlfriend at this stage and they're so happy, it's not fair. I'll never know what I did to deserve this because all I try to do is please people and I end up sitting in bed, crying and having panic attacks on Christmas Eve.

'Tis the season to be jolly? Yeah right. 

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

I'm making a list of things I want to try accomplish throughout 2014, or my life in general. To improve myself and become a better person. 

It's just as easy to my kind to myself and others, than not to be. 

In with the positive, out with the negative. 

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

Maybe I can get through this, it's all mind over matter I guess.

Just wish I was looking forward to eating dinner...

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

Sunday - 22/12/13

Seriously struggling to cope. It's been 5 days after he broke up with me and tomorrow would have been our anniversary. A part of my mind is still giving me hope, telling me that he'll realise he made a mistake or that a few months down the line we'll see each other and it'll fix itself. In reality, I know that won't happen. He'll be out pulling girls like he used to and I'll be sitting at home crying over him. I'm just after writing to him on Facebook saying that I can't talk anymore, I've deleted his number, and maybe in a few months I'll be able to be friends again. I feel guilty as if I've hurt him, but he was the one who hurt me. I need to stop putting other people's thoughts and feelings before my own. On another note, I have no interest in Christmas whatsoever. Well quite frankly I've no interest in anything anymore. I always said I wouldn't turn to medication because it would change who I am and I haven't really heard of any stories where it has helped someone in my situation. I'm seriously thinking about it though, because I can't do this for much longer. I doubt my parents would let me go down that route. I'm sick of having no appetite due to the knot in my stomach, lying in bed all day but not sleeping at all, and if I do sleep, when I wake up I just start crying. To make things worse I only have one session of counselling left, I don't know what I'm doing to do. I'm hopeless.

[serotonindeprivation-blog]

First post. The main reason I've created this blog is to vent my thoughts and feelings, somewhere that won't bother my followers on my original blog. Unfortunately over the past few months I have been struggling with depression and anxiety, so that is mainly what this blog is going to be based on. Personally, I find it easier to write down, or in this case type my feelings as opposed to speaking to my parents or best friend. I'm not quite sure why, I think it could be because of how guilty it makes me feel, as I know everyone else has their own problems to deal with.

Anyway, I'm not expecting anyone to follow or anything. This blog is purely for myself as I have mentioned before but if you're going through something similar or you'd like to follow, then feel free!