shamelesshussythoughts

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I'm around.

Rescheduled for next week.

11 days to the nd of the month.

First hurdle, getting him into this appointment. Fingers crossed.

Next hurdle, (or first, whichever) is him scheduling an appointment for his anger issues. I gave him to the end of the month to make an appointment.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Hi toomblr.

Life still is.

Finally have an appointment with a marriage counselor next week. Fingers crossed. Imnot wven sure if he'll come.

Otherwise, just as angsty and insecure as always.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I spent the whole day alone.

It was okay. Not really bad, not a ton of fun either.

I wish I had someone to go with or meet up with.

I'm so tired of not having anyone who cares or wants me around.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

2 days.

I'm on day 2 of this fucking migraine that will not just let go. It's been lingering since Wednesday.

I'm really hoping it doesn't decide to come back on full force again. I don't think I could handle that twice in a week.

We finally have an appointment coming up in two weeks.

I'm really trying here. The physical effects of all this crap going on at home are something I cannot tolerate. I refuse to be incapacitated due to stress brought on by a situation I can, if needed, remove myself from.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I told him how hard it is for me to want him but know I can't have him..

I told him it was not a problem. Just something I have to accept.

I told him I'm still happy for him, even if it hurts.

Truth is I never lost my love for him. And if I cry myself to sleep until the day I die I'll take that pain just to still have him in my life.

Maybe someday I won't feel this way anymore.

Isn't it so romantic and beautifully tragic?

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I am so tired.

I'm so tired of trying.

I asked CD when to know when it's time to just throw your hands up and quit. His well thought out and intentioned advice was when you've tried everything and nothing has worked. Problem is, I am SO FUCKING TIRED of trying. I also, don't ever know when to quit.

I'm just so exhausted from it all.

Is it too much to ask to be loved or cared for by someone?

I'm watching all my friends who have been through the shits and they're getting married, dating, having kids with their new partners, they're all SO FUCKING HAPPY. They all are finally coming out the other side and I'm still lost in the middle without a flashlight.

I'm happy for everyone. JL is having a spooky little Halloween baby with her boyfriend, CD met someone, other people on my feeds are getting married and engaged, they're going places and taking pictures with these genuinely happy faces, arms linked, kissing, laughing, having the time of their lives with someone who cares. I know what I see isn't the whole story. But what I see is what I want, even if there are squabbles and obstacles behind the scenes, at least they all like each other.

I am just so tired of trying.

Twice in less than a month I have ended up with migraines so bad I've been nauseous. The first was a week or two ago. I had to leave work early and it was the most terrifying drive of my life. Every time I moved my eyes I wanted to vomit, every time I blinked I was afraid my body would decide it was time to nap and I'd doze off. I didn't know what was wrong at first, I've never had a migraine that bad. I picked up headache medicine and tums on my break and they didn't help. I was dry heaving off and on the rest of the afternoon until I finally was able to leave.

Yesterday I felt the tension headache coming on but I made it through the day somehow. By the time I got home I was nauseous, feverish, and in so much pain. Some time after 5:00 when I had dry heaved as much as I could I was able to finally drift off until about 7:00 when I finally felt a little more human.

The stress of this marriage is affecting my physical health now. I cannot and will not live like that. I have to protect myself and my health. I still have a tight neck and lingering head pain. It felt like I was being kicked in the forehead yesterday. Today it's more an occasional rap on the top of my skull.

I'm so tired of the half assed, apologetic lies I get. All the bullshit that is supposed to be said gets said. I mention his drinking is out of control, he says he'll stop next week. Of course, my bitter self scoffed at that. How many weeks ago did he first say next week? It's always next week and never today. I'm tired of waiting for next week, whenever that happens to be. I'm tired of the fighting, I'm tired of the bullshit, I'm tired of the meaningless truce that gets made each time. I'm tired of pretending I've not just been through an emotional paper shredder that is starting to leave more and more frayed nerves behind. I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of feeling like the only way to make it stop is to hurt myself. I did it a couple weeks ago, I did it again yesterday. If, by some strange chance, anyone sees it, I guess I'll give whatever answer fits best. It hurt so much I had to hurt myself to make what I felt inside quiet down. I kept having these terrible thoughts of slashing my arms to ribbons but I'm not trying to die. I just want the pain to stop. No one knows about this. I can't tell anyone, they'll ask too many questions and maybe attempt to intervene in some way. I don't need a damn intervention. I need someone to hold me while I cry and tell me it's going to be okay until I stop. I need a fucking sincere hug from someone who actually cares.

My hand hurts from punching the wall last night. I think I jammed my middle finger.

What the hell am I going to do tonight?

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I am lost in this echo chamber of my own head.

I want him to tell me the truth. I know it, I just want to hear him say it.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Fuck off with that shit.

Unprofessional, racist, homophobic, chauvinist asshole wants to be difficult at work. I have tried to work with this person and he has gone out of his way to either not give me correct answers to questions or fill out paperwork for me in such a way that I can't figure it out.

I have been told to keep trying and figure out how to communicate with this person.

No.

That is not my job, to tell someone to get right or get out. All continuing the way things have is not going to fix anything, it will only make my life more difficult.

I'm having enough issues with men right now. I'm not going to go out of my way to be disrespected by someone.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Spoon

When I hear Spoon on the radio I know it's going to be an okay day.

Saturday, well, plans changed. It was raining and CD ended up having a panic attack because his tires are shit. Of course, I get these messages right as I'm pulling up to Centennial. I ended up going to to his and going with him and his nephew and his nephew's friend to an arcade for a while. Then SD came back to pick up the boys and CD and I went to eat. Had a nice meal, talked for a while outside, then I dropped him off.

There was a bit of a moment last week. I guess we both forgot ourselves and he came out to say he inadvertently flirted a little too much and he was sorry. I was pretty irritated at first. After I cursed his name a cried a little I decided to be honest with him and say that I was still on the same page and was a little disappointed but I shouldn't have read so much into it. I felt immediately better after just being honest and not stewing in my emotions and holding a grudge. So, needless to say, NOTHING happened. We had fun, we talked, no awkwardness. It was really nice, even SD was friendly enough.

But he owes me, I drove out to the Boro for him at the last minute. He's going to have to trek to me next time.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I don't know how to be happy on my own.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Almost there.

Thursday, I have an appointment, then back to work, then home.

Then Friday work and cleaning.

And Saturday! Meeting CD at the Parthenon, if the crowd isn't too much Pups and Pints, then he has proposed a run/walk around Centennial Park if it's not too hot.

This has evolved into what I think will be a very interesting day. I'm really looking forward to it. Actually more than an awkward beer and talk at the lake.

Is it a date or a day out?

And what actually will we end up doing?

Half (okay more than half) hoping he makes a move. Even if he just touches me or kisses me, that would probably make my whole weekend.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Do you even know what you're doing?

I wonder if he has a single clue about what he's doing to me?

My heart skip-skips every time I think of you. When I imagine your voice I feel everything inside me flip. I want to tell you this, I want you to know this. I want to know that you feel the same. Does your heart stop at the thought of me? Do you feel the same electricity run through your body and soul when you talk to me? Do you have to close your eyes and breathe deeply to calm your heart? I do.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

New week.

Been a bit. What's going on?

Not much, last week sucked. By Friday I had my car back to myself though. Was going to meet up with CD but it just didn't work out. We're supposed to go to some dogs and beer festival this weekend though. Should be fun,

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Oh wow.

It's been a bit.

Guess who's fucking car broke down and I'm having to ride to work in the morning with?

Every fucking day has been a nightmare.

I have therapy today. Thank goodness.

I have got to figure something out. I can't keep living like this.

I want to suggest living as separate entities for a while. At least until we can get an appointment somewhere. I have got to be able to breathe and I feel like I'm being suffocated.

Trying to come up with a plan to meet up with CD this weekend. DM isn't coming to the graduation open house thing with me, which is more than fine.

Maybe if I get the guts up I can even tell my mom that things are not good at home. I don't really want to discuss any of it with her right now, but I can't keep telling this lie to everyone and pretending everything is okay when it clearly isn't.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

We went the whole weekend without fighting. Granted, I managed to spend most of it away from him. Last night, right before bed he tries to pick a fight. I went upstairs to bed. He fucking followed and kept it up. As I'm trying to sleep he starts playing videos on his phone. He wouldn't turn off the sound so I got up and went to the guest room. That pissed him off too. This morning he tries again to stir up shit.

Get me out of here.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I forgot what it feels like to fall for someone in that totally normal way.

Just have to make sure I don't gt burned.

[shamelesshussythoughts]

I had SUCH a good time yesterday!

We had a couple beers, sat by the water, walked some, talked. I drove home happier than I've been in a long time. It was so good to see him after so long!

He's been really supportive of my situation and I finally told him some more detail. Told him a little more about the wreck, explained the lack of trust and the different types, that there was some emotional abuse I was just recently starting to wake up to. Response, "Oh." I think maybe then he knew that when I said it probably wasn't going to work out, I really meant it I wasn't just being dramatic or down about it. He's not a fan of men who treat women poorly, I kind of braced myself before finally saying it. I wasn't sure what his response would be and saying it out loud is still kind of hard. Did not go into the whole violently agressive, angry drunk he is. Touched the subject, but did not go into detail.

Maybe in the future. I'm pretty sure we'll see eachother again. Hope so anyway.

Maybe not somewhere AN HOUR AWAY FROM MY HOUSE.