shannis

[shannis]

I hate AI but had to use a model for work, I entered key moments between myself and an ex (using fake names) and asked it to analyze his behavior:

John's feelings for Sally appear to be complex and evolve over time. Here’s a breakdown of his emotions based on his behavior:

Early Feelings (Friendship to Love)

- John and Sally have a long history, starting from childhood. They shared a deep bond, and their relationship naturally developed into romance.

- His actions—like asking her to the dance, dancing exclusively with her, carving their initials, and having a happy and loving relationship—suggest genuine affection.

- The fact that they lost their virginity to each other and spent significant time together shows a deep emotional and physical connection.

Growing Distance & Breakup

- As their relationship progressed, John began feeling overwhelmed by Sally’s presence and perceived clinginess.

- His decision to cheat and then break up with her suggests a combination of immaturity, fear of commitment, and a desire for more freedom.

- The way he handled the breakup—ignoring her, being emotionally distant, and blaming it on moving away—implies he was avoiding emotional confrontation and guilt.

Post-Breakup Behavior

- John’s post-breakup behavior is contradictory. He ignores Sally in school but stares at her when she isn’t looking, indicating unresolved feelings.

- His silence when she begged for another chance suggests he didn’t want to hurt her further, but it also shows he wasn’t willing to rekindle the relationship.

- His friends mocking Sally’s body and his delayed intervention suggest he was either indifferent or too weak to stand up for her immediately.

- His depressive episode the following summer hints at regret or emotional turmoil.

Adulthood & Social Media Interaction

- Despite the years apart, he continues to engage with Sally online—liking her pictures and occasionally commenting—which suggests lingering attachment.

- However, his lack of response when she expresses missing him and his indifferent “why not” to her visit indicate emotional distance or hesitation.

Conclusion: John’s True Feelings

John likely loved Sally at one point, but his emotional immaturity and fear of commitment caused him to push her away. His actions suggest he still cares about her in some capacity—whether as a nostalgic figure from his past or someone he once deeply loved but cannot reconnect with in the same way. His engagement on social media could be a mix of guilt, curiosity, and lingering affection. However, his avoidance of deeper conversations and his passive attitude suggest that he either doesn’t want to reopen old wounds or isn’t sure of his own feelings.

Ultimately, John’s behavior indicates **unfinished emotional business rather than an active desire to rekindle a relationship**.

Sad a computer gave me better insight than reality did.

[shannis]

Other side of forever.

Today is your birthday. I'm still lost and grieving the relationship we never had. I wonder if you would even know me, if you would even try to be in life had you survived. My heart still breaks and my head still takes moments to try to remember the sound of your voice.

I miss you dad. Happy Birthday.

See you on the other side of forever.

[shannis]

Place

Trying to find a place of my own,

A place for my voice to be heard,

A place solemn know,

Where my garden could grow,

My smarts can show,

A place to sow my seeds of hope.

Where my emotions matters,

Where I am seen,

A place to rest away from this mess,

I just want a place, someplace, anyplace.

[shannis]

The lost one

My joy ever fleeting. Did your little heart ever start beating? My joy, my world, my sorrow, my pain. How I wanted the whole world for you. How much our family needed you. My tears fall on cursed ground, never to hear your crying sound. My baby, the life once within.

My heart will carry you forever more.

[shannis]

round

I saw your pictures.

The one with the rings on both of your fingers.

I saw her stomach with that roundness I know all too well.

You look so happy, at peace.

I'm happy for you both.

And yet, I wonder, if in another life, with different choices and outcomes...

[shannis]

My inspirations lately.

[shannis]

jim.

I've never met a heart like yours. It's pure, it's kind, it's unfiltered.

Your eyes are soft yet tell a million stories.

Your voice is dark and filled with wonder.

Your touch lights me up like Christmas.

I watch the amazing father you have become and feel a sense of calm

I love you so completely, and utterly.

[shannis]

muffin ♡

It was a Saturday morning. I had just made plans to met one of my best friends (Nicole) for lunch. My son (then 2) and I were playing. It was a happy morning. My dog Muffin happily chasing and playing with my son. It was one of the few pleasant moments we had living with him. He woke up late and in an awkward yet pissy mood. He saw me texting on my phone, (I was texting with Nicole figuring out what restaurant to met at). He got angry, demanding to know who it was, demanding my phone. I refused and told him the truth. He bite his nails, like he always does when under an influence. He then snatched my phone put of hands and proceed to go through it. I begged then demanded it back. I tried to get it back but he pushed me into a wall, saying I was a sl*t. My son looking on in silence, my dog next to him.

It escalated. He threw me from one end of the hall to the other. We wrestled the phone until we got to the bedroom. I got it back and tried to dial 911. He jumped on top of me and put his hand around my collar then my neck, I told him to do it, be the killer. He screamed in my face that he should because I'm a b*tch and the worst thing to ever happen to him. His grip tighted as I tried to push him off. My son was screaming at the foot of the bed "bad Dada, you hurt momma, stop!!". My dog never left his side, she was growling.

He got the phone again and as I got up he pushed me into the dresser were I fell and objects fell on my head. I grabbed my son and my dog and ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I saw him run into the kitchen down the hall. I banged on the floors, the walls, the pipes. Screaming for help, begging for someone to save us.

I heard him reenter the bedroom, he was on my phone calling 911 telling them I attacked him. All the while I was screaming to help my son and I. I refused to come out until the police arrived. 5 minutes later they came.

I took my son and ran to outside hall. I left my dog in the bathroom to be safe as she was wary of new people. I told them how he attacked me the month before and they were called but didn't remove or arrest him because the apartment was in 'his' name.

I told them everything, my son was afraid to talk. My dog barked from the bathroom. I was shaking but trying to say calm for my son. They then say I was under arrest. I asked why if I am the victim. I got no answer. They walked me inside to get a change of clothes. That's when I saw him, now shirtless (he wasn't before) and a fresh cut, perfectly straight cut on his chest, no longer than an inch. A single drop of blood falling. No smears, no other marks. His shirt on the counter, clean. He shrugged his shoulders at me.

I looked down at my nails, clean, none broken, no blood, no damage. My neck was red. My collar bruised. My eyes distorted from what I later learned was a concussion.

I begged them not to leave my son there, not to leave my dog there. They refused to listen as I was under custody.

I was released 2 days later after he refused to pressed charges. His mother picked me up saying we had to get along. It was an ice storm that night. The streets frozen, I was in linen pajamas. I walked into the apartment to past the police holding him back from "talking to me", straight into the bedroom where I picked up my sleeping son and then went to get my dog only to stopped. He was begging to keep her. His mother agreed she should stay added that my mother won't allow me to bring the dog and baby to her house. I called my mother and pleaded but she said no. Only one can come.

I had no where else to go. No one offered me a safe home. The police chimed in to say the dog has to stay and will be decided in court if needed. I had to leave. I was heartbroken. I got her as a 21st birthday present. She was with me since she was 3 months old. I promised never to leave her. She was best friend. My first baby. I loved that dog more then anything. When he choked me while pregnant she comforted me. When he throw whiskey bottles at my head and called me a 'pig' and a 'slut'. She was there. When he destroyed all my possessions, she was all I had left. She everything for me. But my son, the miracle child I never thought I could have was my new everything. How I pick anything over him? My heart broken and knew what I had to do.

I hugged her. I cried but hugged my son, stood up and over iced pavement I took my son and left.

Years later, he kept her. I begged and begged for her back over the years and he would allows say no. I had no money to sue since I was a single mom on state aid in a section 8 home that wouldn't allow pets.

When I finally met someone wonderful, got married, had another son and got a house with a yard with her in mind. I begged him again and again I was told no. I was finally able to afford to sue for her back.

Then he called me and said he was going to put her down. He claimed she had cancer. He would say what type or how agressive it was. I only had 2 days. I begged to let her live her life out with me, I worked from home, I could care for her. I had the space set up and was ready. He told me if I gave up some of my rights to our son I can see her before she was terminated. I refused. He has a history of being abusive, he was a cluster b personality, he had a severe drug addiction. No way I would give up my son to that hell.

He said I can see her if my son stayed a night. Again I refused. So he terminated her and texted me how he laughed when it happened because she was happy and awake then fell instantly to sleep.

That was 3 years ago today. Today I wear a ring of her hair on a chain. My heart will forever be broken. I hope she forgives me. I should have never been made to choose.

[shannis]

Survivors of domestic abuse need no fault divorce. I had one to get out of my abusive marriage!

[shannis]

red

another month, more red.

Another year, all red.

Another day empty and the time drawing short. All I want is just one more.

Just one more to complete it.

Yet all I get is red. It mocks me.

But I have two, two who I love, who I cherish.

I shall not be greedy, I will accept the red again but hope. All the while thankful for all I have already been given.

[shannis]

day

No poems today, no inspiration.

Just wanted to share how I wish it were raining so I can lay in my room listening to jazz beneath the sound of the rain.

Sun is shining though, but the jazz is still there.

[shannis]

July 30 2009

So if I could I'd wish it all away. If I thought tomorrow would take you away. You're my peace of mind, my home, my center.

Silence, legion, and save your poison. Silence, legion, and stay out of my way.

I'm just trying to hold on, One more day.

[shannis]

July 30th 2012

I'm becoming less defined as days go by,

Fading away,

And well you might say,

I'm losing focus,

Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself.

[shannis]

Every single on of those registrations was a single person deciding to register. When you think you're just "lil ol me" and your voice doesn't matter that much: Remember this. Your actions have impact, your voice and your vote matter.

Get Registered and VOTE

VOTE.ORG

[shannis]

fade.

It's fading again.

The feel of your hands.

The softness if your lips.

The sound of my name in your voice.

My thoughts are beginning to turn away from you again.

My heart has begun to scar up the old wound once again.

The flame of my love now just a dim candle.

I'll miss you, again.

Back to my memories once again.

[shannis]

1 in 65,000,000

15 years ago you asked about my travels and if I was alone or with someone.

I told you I was alone but wished I had someone to go with.

You said you didn't like traveling alone too.

I told you I missed you. I asked you to come back.

You told me how it was not going to happen for a long time, you were trying but it was a 1 : 65,000,000 chance.

I was holding out for those odds for years, decades.

In these old messages, am I wrong to hope that in that moment, we both wanted the same thing?

[shannis]

“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.”

— Michael Faudet