shauntamae

[shauntamae]

Hey yall, Hey! This may possibly be a difficult blog to follow with so a bit of a disclaimer. Some of my family history with mental illness, drug addiction and abuse will be mentioned. Please protect your heart and mind and proceed with caution if you so choose to continue reading.

I sit almost daily with my thoughts. One in particular, "my life was/is a shit show. There's no way people are going to believe I went through all of this." While I am an open book, some stuff I hold close because of this very thought. In all honesty, this thought is encompassed with fear and protection. I'm afraid that some of the deepest darkest things I've experienced won't be believed. Sure, who cares? Well, I do. If I'm not believed, then Little Me is silenced again. AND THAT THOUGHT is still what needs healing!

I came into this world swinging. My biological mother was addicted to crack/cocaine. She hit before I made it earthside, and I was born addicted as well. I used to be ashamed that I was "Crack baby." Especially growing up in the 90s. The many foster homes I jumped around to had no problem bringing it to my attention. I was slightly bullied for being a crack baby, a foster kid, and having a mother who was addicted to it and known for sleeping around town to get it. I say slightly because I learned how to fight early, and I didn't play those games. I also knew my mother was going to come back for me, and if you said anything that didn't align with that, I was meeting you on the blacktop or the streets... imagine little 5 year old me scrappin. Yeah... I know... Plot twist. She never came and that was the best thing that could ever happen. Save this for another blog.

I fought away from home because I could never fight at home. I say quite often that my memory from childhood is a blessing and a curse but mostly a curse. I remember my first assaults happening while I was in pull-ups. I didn't understand what was happening, clearly, but I remember being told that it was okay, because this is how "dads show their love" My biological father was nonexistent but my foster parent at the time had a boyfriend... And we were to call any man she had "dad"... I was potty trained fairly early, however, I'd have accidents quite often... sometimes they were true accidents out of fear and other times once I caught on... they were intentional. Somehow, I felt a whooping was far greater than "dad's love" and other times, well, both were equally unbearable.

I became too much of a problem for this foster home and eventually social services came and got me. I moved to another foster home but I never escaped the assaults and the abuse. Each home I went to became worse than the one before. The physical, emotional, mental, sexual abuse I endured is unfathomable at times. I also sit and wonder how I really went through this all and managed to make it to this day to write about it all. The simple answer is God! I'm a firm believer that He covered my heart and mind for all of these years because He knew there was a purpose far greater than I could have ever dreamed for myself and nothing... NO THING OR PERSON was going to stop that. To say I don't struggle mentally about it all would be a lie. I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. Looking at me, you'd have no idea but baaaaaby it's rough. However, I do the work to heal and find healthy coping mechanisms to get me through on the hardest days.

Peloton plays a huge role in my mental fortitude. On days when I am unable to get into a therapy session, I check in to therapy on my bike, mat, or treadmill. Movement is really medicine. I say all of this to say that we all have stories. We all have journies, and while they may not all be the same, one thing we all hold in common is our truth. We all hold autonomy over them, and there isn't a soul on earth that can take it from us. So, while my story (this is a TINY fraction of what I've endured) is absolutely horrid and unbelievable to someone out there, my truth is mine. I KNOW there's someone out there who is living or lived, maybe even a fraction of what I did who needs to hear it and may find solace in knowing they are not alone and that there's so much beautiful life to be lived beyond the confinment of our Trauma. For that very reason, I will continue to honor not only the things that have made me the person I am today, but I will forever honor Little Me, who deserves to be free and validated... BY ME! May you find the courage one day to do the same!

[shauntamae]

Welcome back. Upon my last engagement with you all on IG I stated I was grappling with how often to post. I decided to post when I felt led... Well, consider me led.

For the past couple of days, I've really been thinking about the dreams I envisioned for my life over the years and how they've shifted. As a four, maybe five year old kid, my first dream was to be a tap dancer. I was so fascinated with music and how one could create it with their feet. I love music, and at the time, I loved tapping my feet, being on my tippy toes, jumping around, and dancing. Honestly, I still do! Unfortunately, It was quickly shut down. So, I wanted to be a ballerina. That was shut down as well. Everything I wanted to do creatively was shut down. I remember asking a foster parent at the time, "If none of these make money, what does?" After listing several options, I chose to be a lawyer. It made good money, and I could talk and voice my opinion as much as I wanted. Something I was never afforded because "Children are to be seen. Not heard." That dream quickly dissipated. At that same age of about 5, I began my journey in acting. It was a little school or church play, but I loved it because it allowed me to escape the horrors in my real life and become someone completely different. As much as I loved theatre, at the time, I didn't even consider it because, again, it didn't make money. I did, however, fall in love with basketball. I was always the only girl in most of my foster homes, so I did what the boys did. And did it well. I loved basketball so much that I vowed I would become the first woman to be in the NBA and the first woman to dunk... Clearly, I never made it to the NBA and Lisa Leslie beat me to the punch.

As I grew older, my dreams shifted quite a bit. But one thing always remained. That was to be a voice to the voiceless. A safe space for those who've never experienced security. A cheerleader for the ones riding the bench... the underdogs. I'd say this aligned more with my purpose as opposed to a dream... I'll dive into the difference on another day.

Now, My way of doing this has simply gone from owning a childcare center, to solely being an actress, to being an actress AND an advocate, to being an actress AND an author AND an advocate, to being an Actress AND an Author AND an advocate AND a motivational speaker AND AND AND....

I've found that the world expects us to pick something and sat down somewhere. To find a lane and stay in it. The world tells us there's only room for one dream, and that dream has to be so big that it consumes your every thoughts and being. I was born a rebellious human being. I've always upheld opposition to what society, the world, tells me I should do, be, act, and look. I move to the beat of my own drum. It's mine, and I'll strike it however I please. With that being said, I'm a firm believer of "Yes AND" as well as "This AND." I don't believe everyone was created to simply do one thing or have one desire. If we were, the desire to do more would never be ingrained deep into our souls. I remember a while back, I shared that I wanted to be a foster care advocate. This person said, "But you said you wanted to be an actress. You don't know what you want. " Pause for a second. While I believe in "Yes AND" as well as "This AND," I also believe in the ability to shift directions, to have a change of heart or desire, and simply NOT KNOWING. If you're in this place of uncertainty... LEAN INTO THAT. there's so much freedom in unknowing. As my wonderful Peloton Trainer, Tunde Oyeneyin says, "The Beauty of Uncertainty is Infinite Possibility. When You don't know what's next, you don't know what's next... Thus, ANYTHING can be next." The possibilities are endless. There's no limitations or boxes surrounding uncertainty. It's all open and free for you to explore. Don't allow someone else's ticking clock to turn your hands before their time!

Now, back to the words this person spoke to me. For a moment, I allowed what they said to discourage me. I felt guilty for choosing something else other than acting. And then my perspective shifted and I replied "who says I can't do both?" They had no answer.

Ultimately, this is my life. If I choose to do one thing or I choose to do five. That's my choice. If I choose to strike my drum once or ten times, it's mine. No one can tell me how to live, what dreams I pursue, or how I go about them.

The same goes for you all. Dare to believe in the uncertainty. Dare to believe in the "Yes AND" or "This AND" Do what makes you happy, fuels your soul, and makes you proud of who you are! I hope you found some good nuggets in here. Until next time... 💜

[shauntamae]

Well, let's try this thing again! Hello, I'm Shaunta-Maé also known as #MaeBackBaby in the Peloton world. If you're here, chances are we've met through the amazing fitness community we all adore... Peloton. If you're completely new here, hello! I'm a Peloton lover through and through. If you were to cut me open, I'd bleed the logo. Hahaha.

On to why you're here. I share quite a bit of my journey on my social media pages. However, the way times are setup... we all have short attention spans. IG, FB, TIKTOK are all "Get To The Point" platforms. The problem is for people like me who are passionate about a lot of things or have deep personal stories is that there isn't much space to freely create and get the attention we or I desire. While I have absolutely no intention on leaving IG (I've made some beautiful connections with wonderful people in whom I admire and look up to as well as created community and family out of some of my supporters) I want to make room for me to share what I feel either won't be well received there or what the algorithm won't make time for.

Shaunta-Maé, what are we going to get here that we don't already get on your IG and FB?

I'm glad you asked. My blog will give you an opportunity to dive deeper into how and what makes me tick. More personal stories, the opportunity to freely engage with me and ask questions. More insights on what I endured in Foster Care, What I go through as a disabled woman who found healing in and through fitness, my love for fitness and how I navigate the world with mantras I've adopted from my trainer(s) How I deal with so many autoimmune diseases and a more in depth look at what it is to live with them, and lastly how I'm using this all to fulfill my purpose in life! Because, after all, My Disability Does Not Disqualify Me From My Purpose! I hope you enjoy the ride! Thank you, and welcome to Maéz World!