sheisamadcap

[sheisamadcap]

Today I just learned how much my mother blames me for everything

Fresh out of college and board exams at 21, I immediately started earning a living and providing what I can for the family. Call me a breadwinner if you may. A lot has changed in my life, from profession to last name, but providing for my first family has always been a constant for me. I am 30 years old now.

In 2020, my parents decided to end their marriage after I stepped in and gave them an ultimatum on what they wanted to happen with their relationship and our family. I basically got tired from all the scream battles and breaking things in the house, or everyone giving everyone cold treatment, there was no in between. There was a point where my father was nothing but deflective and even physically abusive to me and my siblings (especially the youngest, got beaten up multiple times). Mother was just always emotionally-absent and dismissive. I was 26 then, my younger sister 24, and our youngest brother 21.

In the process of their separation, dad wanted to sell our family home, take half of the money and go back to his parents to a far island province. Mom strongly refused, but I told her that if they really are separating, there's no point in keeping the house, and that I will help her get another house to live in (which I did). She did many ways to convince dad not to sell the house but dad was not budging, so she reluctantly gave in in the end.

In 2022, my dad would frequently message me and my siblings how he was deeply regretful of his decision to leave, he was sick and apparently running out of the money he took from selling our family home. He asked to let him live with us again. At this time my mother was in a new relationship and they were kind of on&off living together, my siblings and I were living our separate adult lives too. So it was easy to say that what he asked was impossible, because there was nowhere to return to.

In December 2023, on the day of my mother's birthday, my father died. He was a heavy drinker up to his 30s, but more than that he was a chainsmoker, I guess up until he couldn't smoke anymore. Some may say it was only a matter of time for those to catch up to him, especially because he was never health-conscious, never had a good diet and never exercised properly.

I saw it coming the day he left us, but it still devastated me. I love my father so much, or at least the version of him before he turned to his abusive ways. He was my superman and my comedian. He was all that before the marriage and money problems began.

What hurt more was that we were not able to go to his wake and burial because of financial problems (and the fact that the whole clan on his side of the family was "disappointed" in us because we did not accept him back into our lives). Despite that I still took out a large chunk of mine and my husband's savings to give my aunt money for hospital, funeral and burial expenses. It was the best I can do, as going there is so costly I would rather help them bury my father properly with the money, even if it means I would not see the remains of him one last time. It still hurts a lot. I am trying to move on day by day, but there is a large hole in my heart now he is gone, and I can't even visit his grave.

Fast forward to yesterday, my brother messaged our mom for me about something because I am not currently in good and talking terms with her, and I promise you it was for a very valid reason. My brother showed me what mother said to him about how she is so stressed about me not wanting to talk to her, about how she wanted to just leave and disappear because she is not wanted, the usual gaslighting lines. Honestly, she was always like this. She never acknowledged anyone's struggle but her own. She can make bad decisions but we were only allowed to sympathize because we can now understand things as adults, even if we got hurt or are still hurt.

What I cannot fathom about everything she said to my brother was how she "finally understood why my father left us". And that she might just do the same until the last of her remaining days, saying she is "ready". She sai she plans on going home to her hometown with her siblings so they can take care of her since we would not do it. At this time she is living in a house I bought using her money from selling our family home as downpayment, and my own income to pay for the remaining balance monthly under a 30-year loan.

I always knew she was not happy about how I convinced her to let the family home go and start again. I made peace with that indifference knowing it was the way to stop all the abuse and let everyone move on. What I was not aware of is how she thinks it was my fault (or her children's fault) that my father wanted to leave in the first place. How she can have the audacity to say that is shaking me to my very core, thinking how much trauma we got from their toxic marriage. So much trauma that I decided I never want to have kids.

I feel almost betrayed at this point, knowing all that revelation from her and after all I have done for the family for the last nine years. To be fair, I always had that sinking feeling that I everything I do will never be enough, now I can confirm it is true. I am so hurt that I do not want to have anything to do with her until she dies. But I know that my love and understanding for her will always kick in. I'm just lucky I live quite far from her now so I can physically distance myself at least.

But how do you go from here?

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Bringing this here bc I'm scared anywhere else

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WALL UP

While casually browsing on social media, I stumbled upon this opinion:

"The reason why you isolate yourself when you're struggling or you're upset, is because you were left alone as a child to deal with your emotions."

I felt it, but not to a degree that I blame my parents for it. And I always remember why.

My first heartbreak happened when I was 15. I was young and naive on how love and romance works. All I knew was I liked a boy and he did not like me back.

I remember mustering up the courage to confess my feelings while simultaneously saying goodbye to that boy through a text message. After that, I threw my phone out of the bed and started crying (very 15-year-old Taylor Swift, I know).

My mom came in my room to get something and obviously saw me crying. I don't remember how but I ended up telling her everything.

I was balling my eyes out while I tell her how stupid I felt catching feelings for a boy who liked someone else, and how it cost me my friendship with him. She was sitted on my bed, patting me on the back while I rest my ugly cryface on her lap, crying and sobbing uncontrollably.

When I was done ranting she wiped my tears, got a hair brush and started brushing my hair. And while she brushed my hair she started speaking,

"That's life and you're human, you will feel things no matter how strong you think your control is over yourself; and because of that you will be prone to pain and heartbreaks. But the good thing about all this is that you get to experience it at your age, now, and not later when you're old and have lots to lose. Because of this experience you will know better next time. You're young, and he's not the last boy you will ever meet, ever fall for, and ever cry for. If you ask me, I think you can use this experience to focus on yourself and your dreams for now, and then the right one will eventually come."

And if I remember it right, she was saying that with tears in her eyes. Those tears and what they meant, is a mystery to me until now.

That was the biggest memory I have being vulnerable around my mom. Its unforgettable because she is this unshowy, naggy type of mom, but at the time I felt truly seen and empowered just by being comforted by her.

A year after that, life started testing our family, especially my mom and dad's marriage. They started having infidelity problems on top of our pressing money problems. And mom was mostly alone in raising us because dad was working abroad. The fights over the phone went for the worst, it even reached a point that she became depressed and suicidal.

Maybe that was it, that was the turning point where I started distancing myself from her when I struggle or get upset about something else than our problems. Maybe I got scared that if she hears one more shit from me or any of her children, she's going to lose it. Maybe, and I say 'maybe' in all of this because I am honestly not sure up to now, but maybe I wanted to protect her, and as a child that was my way of doing it. Easening the burden she carried, even in the tiniest way that I can. Maybe I did it until it became a part of my belief system: believing I can help others love me more by not letting them know all the dark shit that goes through my head on a daily basis.

So yes, I can relate to that particular child trauma, but its not entirely the fault of my parents. I chose to do that as my childish way of keeping my people sane and happy while loving me. But I am blessed to have met a few people who wanted to have more of me and break my walls, even if it hurts them or burden them. These people are the ones I fear, but they are the ones I love the most, the ones I know I will die for.

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Reblogging this cos it happened again.

I want to feel included bc they want me, not bc I'm some incidental happening that needs accountability bc its too late to avoid it now like an unwanted premarital pregnancy or failing school.

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Recently I've been avoiding singing like its too much heat from the sun.

But inside I hope to sing again like that 5 year-old girl on a karaoke pleasing everyone watching her including the man whom God used to get her talent from. Even if that man isn't here with me now, I hope I sing again.

I just can't find the push anymore.

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I miss the best friend I had in you, especially after seeing you again after some years.

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Hindi ka sa akin galit. Galit ka sa mundo, pero sa akin mo binubunton. Dahil ako yung nandito, dahil ako yung ineexpect mong tatanggap ng kahit ano galing sayo..be it pretty things or nasty blows.

You demand I just accept your incidental flaws like these but you cannot give me the life you PROMISED to give.

You take me for granted. Kaya di ako makahinga. Kaya ako kulong.

I want to die.

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I want to clear my head, like literally everything. Like a brainwash or something. Of who I used to be and who I am and who I want to be. I want a reset.

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I keep wanting to take care of everybody but I long for their care as well, Why do I keep loving these broken people? How can I care if I'm this empty? Why? I wish I was just out of love or straight up selfish. It hurts to be hurt by the same people who say they love you.

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I want to feel included bc they want me, not bc I'm some incidental happening that needs accountability bc its too late to avoid it now like an unwanted premarital pregnancy or failing school.

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Sometimes loving can be tiresome, a setback, and just a plain stab in the chest.

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In the Gray : Mute Screams

Part 2

Its been too long since I last blogged. Many things have changed, luckily I became happier because of my man and my sister's children, they are undeniable blessings.

But somehow, somewhere, there is still that void. I know its there, I feel it. So here goes nothing:

I want to tell someone. I want to shout at everyone. I want to show how trapped I am in the life that I mindlessly chose.

I’m sure I’m not the only one having their hell loop on earth, certain there are people like me—people who endure. In fact, there are people who successfully survived this and are killing it out there. That, I know, is supposed to make me feel a bit better. Still, this ability to commiserate on how we humans exist and coexist, how we act, react and overreact in what life throws at us, the mature awareness—is what making this hard. I sometimes wish I was oblivious on these things, or can I try to be a little insensitive?

Maybe that’s why I now like getting drunk when I learned how to. The numbness the alcohol kicks in incredibly shrinks the damn out of the vulnerability to these strong, trespassing emotions. Quite a sure but costly and deadly escape from reality.

Maybe that’s why I now like to sleep more, not out of a peaceful mind settling to the night but out of a desperate call for a quick shut down to everything.

Maybe that’s why I am now unproductive at what I do. Every day is a constant struggle between me and everything inside that wants all of this to change.

With all of these accusations pointing out to the shackles, I feel so left out. What is making it worse is the truth that I never looked at anyone in competition; I never compared my life to anyone else’s. My own clock is the one ringing in my head, telling me that I am wasting years of my life now and that I am running way behind.

No, not on material things. The job pays well. I have a house I do not rent. I have a car. I can earn and save for anything I want.

I am behind on the real things. The sentimental, somehow altruistic, and hopefully transcendental—contentment in life.

I long for purpose in what I do. I long for meaning.

Yet I don’t know how, I don’t know how to start. I don’t know WHEN and WHERE to start. Or do I? Do I really need a change? Is this just a millennial justification of discontentment and impatience the older generations accuse us of? Or maybe I am on the right track and just have to stay still?

This confession is not new, a young professional in the corporate world getting tired of how things are and wants change. That is practically how one defines quarter life crisis these days.

Why do you think I’m able to write this if I am?

Nonetheless, and cliché as this seems, the emptying feeling is slowly starting to drain the life out of me, bringing out the weak and the mean in me. IT JUST HAS TO STOP.

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I GOT TO SAY THEM.

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT WORK

1. MY TASKS

2. PROFESSIONAL GROWTH TAKES A LOOOONG TIME TO ACHIEVE, BUT WHEN YOU FINALLY DO, YOU'LL BE BOMBARDED WITH HEAVIER LOADS BUT WILL FEEL UNDERCOMPENSATED

3. MY GROUP HEAD'S WORKING ETHICS

4. THE SCHEDULE

5. LACK OF ARE DIVIDERS

6. THE INCONSISTENT ATTITUDE OF MY SUPERVISOR

7. THE UNIFORM

8. THE NEED TO SMILE AT ANYONE EVEN WHEN I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT

9. THE COMPANY IS DOMINATED BY MEN

10. MOST OF THOSE MEN'S STARES MAKE WOMEN VERY UNCOMFORTABLE

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10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT WORK

1. MY TRUE LOVE WORKS HERE

2. MY COLLEAGUE-FRIENDS

3. THE GENEROUS NUMBER OF LEAVE DAYS

4. THE RICE SUBSIDY BENEFIT

6. THE MEDICAL BENEFIT FOR MY FAMILY

7. THE COMPANY EVENTS

8. THE MEAL PLEDGES FOR ASSOCIATES IN NEED

9. MY WORKING AREA'S LOCATION

10. THE HELPING HAND OF MOST OF MY SENIORS

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Even the loudest city can bring peace. #themanilacathedral

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I am clearly seeing happiness in this blur. 💕

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Felt free within the walls of this city.

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Blessed to have spent the long weekend to one of the most beautiful bays in the world. ❤🌊