shimozunai

[shimozunai]

oh boy

When I figured out I was trans, I was so ashamed of myself. I wouldn’t believe what I was (and im still am). Its not like I had friend who were trans at that time. I first told my friends. They named Nathan. I tried to tell my family. Mother was not that shocked and accept it (she just had some months to adapt), sisters were okay. But dad no. Dad said no. and we never talk about it ever again since. So every time people who knew my trans identity and were toward my family, I didn’t know how to act. I was and I’m still uncomfortable about my identity and my dad? It’s like I cannot be me when I’m toward him. 

Mother wanted to name me Hélios. It’s so cool and it really fit more my personality than Nathan, but I feel I can’t ask people to call me that way, rechange my name would be asking too much. Like people don’t really understand what is trans identity and asking them to call me another name than the “second”  it’s not something I can do (may be I’m just  a coward). I am scared that not people can love me or just accept. People already disrespect me or insult me for being trans. They ask me questions they wouldn’t dare to ask to other “normal” people.

I still don’t know how to react when people call me “girl, she” or anything about me being a woman, but do I really look like a girl?! Do I sound like a girl to you?! I hate it. Because people my gender shouldn’t be assumed by some random people just because I’m wearing some earrings. And that’s even more horrible when it’s people who know or at least have heard of it. Like a guys really said to me “Nathan?! I thought you were a guy?!” THAT’S THE FUCKING POINT DUDE!!! I’m a boy, it’s not because I don’t have a penis or a flat chest that I am not a man. Most of the time they just laugh and continue to call me “her”, wondering why I am upset after them, like they did nothing wrong. Can’t you use your brain and respect me for a sec? After that they figured out that I am trans, they usually go to the same questions again, and again. “What’s between your legs? Who are you attracted to? When did you BECOME a boy?” Like wtf open a book it’s fucking 2024 it’s not like you never heard of trans identity.  How on earth can you be that intolerant toward people who are just different to you? Im not the one who should be ashamed about who I am. Should be you to be ashamed of your own disrespectful behavior. I cannot feel secured when you’re toward me, so I cannot explain what I’m. Even if I wanted to, you wouldn’t get it. You don’t want to understand. You should be the one people stair at because you do not accept differences. I know that I can’t be educated on every subject and that the same for every one, but at least being respectful, it’s common sense. You can ask questions but there are limits. It is normal if you’re not aware about a subject but it doesn’t mean it is t-right if you make fun of me because you do not understand.  Don’t be obnoxious and laugh at me it is really irrepsectful and in some kind of way, it is pathetic. It just makes me feel like a freak show. That’s why I’m upset when people laugh. That’s why I’m impulsive and react violently when people ask too much thing about my gender. It’s because I don’t know if you’re a danger to me or you just don’t know anything about what you’re doing. So when I’m saying I’m a man, just go along with it & shut up. 

My trans identity is also a “problem” with love or relationship because I do not know their sexuality or which gender thy are attracted to. There was a boy I was kinda attracted to, I was a little drunk, but it was all okay. So I presented myself, I didn’t hide him my gender or anything and we kissed. But after that he told me he was straight and that I was a “good kisser for a trans”. Not really respectful. There was also a girl I kinda like, not in a romantic way, but I was clearly attracter. We kissed. We talk, we knew each other for about two years, she was clearly aware of my trans identity. And she told me, may be ten time that she might be a lesbian. Like it’s okay if you’re attracted to women when your are a woman yourself, but don’t tell me this straight after kissing me. 

Ok I understand, people cannot love me or being attracted to me. It’s also a problem when I fell in love with someone who did who did nothing, but just reject being because of my trans identity. Yes I have a vagina, but I don’t feel like im a woman. Like you can be attracted to my body, but nit my gender. I won’t talk about my personality which is also a big issu about relationship. To resume, I’m attracted to everyone but nobody (until now on) is attracted to me. It’s not like it hurts me, not anymore. It’s logical, people do not understand me, so they can not love me. 

Will I ever be enough masculine for you to be call a man?  No matter how hard I tried, people always figured out that im trans. I just want to love me. As a trans man. I do not want any penis, I do not want a deep, deep voice. I just want to have a flat chest and being called “boy”. That’s all I want. I just want to be me. To become me. I want to be considered as a divine creature. My body will be a source of inspiration. But I feel like my body will always be subject of discord & question. But I’m sure that one day? When I’d done that top surgery, nobody would hurt me. My body will be mine again. No matter what you think, with that body, I’ll wear whatever I want, and I’ll still be a man, I’ll still be handsome. Being trans does not suppress my beauty. (I really think it increases it)

Sometimes (it doesn’t happen as much as before) I am questioning myself about my gender. It’s about 5 years that I figured ut my trans identity, but still have some thoughts about it. Like “Am I really trans or I’m just faking it? Can’t I just be cis? I’m not dramatic? I just hate my body. Like , buy, you are trans and it’s okay. There is no much people who can understand who can understand and not much more who can help me with it.bIt’s not their fault, but it keeps me awake at night, and even if I always figure out the same thing, this questions had help me with my body. Because, thanks to that questions, I now know that penis is not something I want between my legs. My view of masculinity, is, I think, a lot more different than people can think. Being me, it’s being a man, that’s how I feel, and it’s how I want people to treat me. Being trans is not wrong, it’s just different.