shining-skull

[shining-skull]

OSR CLASS: THE ROBOT

A few years back my son and I created this OSE Robot Class together when he was 5 years old. His second character ever was a robot named GI-2 in a sci-fi campaign we played. I touched it up a bit since then and am reposting it here for anyone looking for a simple robot class. Feedback welcome!

[shining-skull]

ADVENTURE REVIEW: OPERATION UNFATHOMABLE

Author/Publisher: Jason Sholtis/Hydra Cooperative System: Swords & Wizardry Level Range: 1-2? Or maybe a bit higher? Nothing is balanced anyways.

THE PITCH

You and your party are press-ganged into searching for a lost prince of an evil empire who has run off into the underworld with a powerful magical artifact seeking glory. You’ll follow his trail into the chaotic underdark to retrieve the artifact and hopefully earn your freedom.  

CONTEXT

I bought this years ago and it’s been sitting on my shelf forever. My group just finished our Tunnel Goons campaign “Retro Rascals” and we weren’t ready to go back to straight up ‘vanilla fantasy’ yet. So, as a transition we finally busted out Operation Unfathomable. Was played at my kitchen table using a heavily house ruled OSE. It took us four sessions of about 3-4 hours each to finish. Shorter than expected but in a good way!

PREP TIME

I’ve had this book on my shelf and read it in bits and pieces a lot over the last few years without having played it. The book is well-organized for at-the-table reference, with separate sections for random events, location descriptions, bestiary, magic items, etc. 

The process for rolling random encounters is more complex than a lot of modules. The book contains 44 detailed random encounters divided into separate tables for “Underworld Phenomena”, “Competing Parties & Underworld Travelers”, and “Wandering Horrors.” This is a GOOD thing because the encounters are richly-described and contain loads of world-building and gonzo experiences for players. But, I found it best if I pre-rolled a bunch of encounters before we came together at the table since it required a couple of rolls and a fair bit of reading and flipping to sort out what was happening. If I rolled and read the encounters in advance it made things flow much more smoothly at the table. 

The map is interesting and has icons built into it to indicate common environmental things like piles of debris and fungus gardens that have their own tables and procedures attached to them. I found it easy to describe the size of caves and general details to players so that they could navigate. The location descriptions are similarly fun and gonzo but can be wordy. It’s usually something I don’t like but it was worth it in the case of Operation Unfathomable because the locations and happenings were so gonzo and creative!

AT THE TABLE

From the start this adventure grabs hold of you and pulls you in with crazy sights, ridiculous creatures, compelling side quests, and deadly encounters! I’ve never played such a bonkers but ultimately coherent and well-conceived dungeon. 

It’s a bit wordy and that can slow things down sometimes but it’s absolutely worth the time you’ll take to read ahead and prepare. 

Players were constantly engaged with interesting risks and weird and interesting situations. They knew enough to hide or run for their lives from some of the incredibly dangerous wandering monsters. Pushing buttons resulted in enough positive and cool outcomes early on that they were keen to experiment and take risks.

The dungeon map has loads of different ways to travel around, lots of loops, and useful landmarks for players to orient themselves. I printed the way simplified player map that comes with the book and it was useful to get the players started on their exploration. I bookmarked the GM map in the book and it was very useful and well-labeled.

The book is organized in a very effective way so you can flip through at the table and find what you need pretty easily. The pictures and artwork in the book are phenomenal and hilarious: you’ll want to show them to your players to set the tone and have a laugh together!

OLD SCHOOL VIBES

Operation Unfathomable definitely brings the Old School vibes. Players are immediately thrust into action way over their heads and the pressure stays on. Even though the situations are unbalanced and seemingly unfair, players get a hold of a lot of powerful magic items and tools that they can use to more than even the odds: even for a party of first level players! 

Not all the encounters are combat-related! In fact, more than often players will have the chance to talk their way out of trouble or just have interesting and fun interactions with the denizens and visitors to the underworld that they will meet. 

The setting is the best-realized gonzo-style old school that I’ve played. Law & Chaos factor in as concepts (but not in any high-falootin’ way); psychic mushroom scientists offer mutation inducing fungus spores for players to experiment with; time-travelling humanoid animals seek to prevent the future apocalypse; and a cult of headless remote-controlled worshippers form a political alliance with a 50-foot long chaos godling worm. This barely scratches the surface of the insanity this module contains. But it somehow ‘makes sense’ in the context of the setting. It’s special.

TREASURE AND LOOT

I don’t recommend inserting this module into an existing campaign: there’s a good chance that the magic items and loot that your players will find will be game-breaking in your normal campaign.

At the start of the mission players are provided with a stockpile of scrolls, exploding swords, amulets and other magic items to assist them in their quest. As the adventures unfold the party will have access to powerful magic items. In the context of Operation Unfathomable this is a strong positive: the magic items help to balance the scale and give players the chance to actually survive and impact the environment. In addition to physical items, there are loads of opportunities for characters to mutate themselves to gain interesting and OP special abilities and attacks. 

The exploding Sword of Demolition +1 was instrumental in ‘softening up’ a chaos godling when it was used as a suppository. Later, the godling was ultimately defeated when the Wooly Nelson, the Wooly Neanderthal player character, climbed into the worm sultan’s behind and used his newfound fungus-induced ability to explode into magical blue flame to finish the job.

WARNING! Early in one of the first sessions my players encountered science fungoids who repaid the party with Antipersonnel Puffball Fungi as a reward for being guinea pigs in their mutating experiments. This wasn’t without risk: one of the PCs erupted with spores and died immediately. However,  in hindsight I handed out too many (just enough?) of the Antipersonnel mushrooms as a reward. The players used these to massively turn the tide in numerous encounters with overwhelming numbers of baddies. They are very powerful and maybe should be handed out sparingly. 

MONSTERS AND FACTIONS

I don’t think there are any vanilla monsters in this entire module! Every encounter, every NPC, every wandering monster is unique to the setting and the majority are unique in each pre-designed encounter. The sheer overwhelming creativity that Jason Sholtis unleashes in this adventure is unbelievable. There are very few other modules that cram so much creativity and gonzo bliss into so few pages. To me, this is singular Old School D&D genius. 

You’ve got noble hybrid animal-fungi creatures from an alternate dimension called Blind Antler Men; headless remote controlled cultists of Null; slugman merchants; worm soldiers, an infant chaos godling named Thrantrix the Ineffable whose body is made of millions of writhing snakes, an immortal red-furred giant grieving its lost mate, mind bats, segmented giant underworld janitors, ancient beetle ghosts, and more . . . so much more.

TRAPS AND PUZZLES

Finding the lost prince and the magical artifact proved a fun challenge. His shenanigans left a trail of corpses that the players were able to follow for a distance and many of the encounters with underworld NPCs provided additional clues and breadcrumbs. The map didn’t have any traps of the traditional variety. However, there are loads of buttons to push, mushrooms to munch, and risk-reward scenarios for players to monkey around with that can provide fantastic and powerful boons or crippling or fatal outcomes for the players. 

At the end of the module my surviving player characters were forever changed! One turned into a humanoid mushroom with telepathic communication abilities. Another had his eyes turn golden and gained the ability to detect good/evil and magic at will. One PC and many NPC retainers met all kinds of hilarious and horrible ends as they experimented with the flora, fauna, and artifacts they discovered. 

GM CHALLENGES

Like I mentioned earlier, the drawback to having well-detailed and interesting encounters is that there is a lot to read before you can get rolling with some of them. Most sessions I rolled in advance to select the encounters so I’d be better aware of what was going to happen. The session I didn’t I felt rushed and having to read first then describe to players slowed things down. No one complained, but it was harder for me. 

Other than that, the module is really easy to play and run. The encounters are absolutely mental, so you need to think on your feet sometimes and make stuff up on the fly, but the gonzo-tone of the adventure makes you feel comfortable doing it: it’s too wacky for you to worry much about breaking anything. For example, after obtaining the Null Rod – the MacGuffin artifact and anti-chaos mega-weapon –  the party visited the mouth of the Oracle of the Bottomless Pit. Teaming up with Dr. Thorontius (humanoid bear cosmology professor from the future) the team decided to destroy the Null Rod to prevent his rival and nemesis from using it to alter the space time continuum to create a robot apocalypse in the future. They asked the Oracle if tossing the Null Rod in his mouth (a bottomless pit) would destroy it. 

 . . . that’s not an answer the module provides!

I decided that since the center of the earth is a source of raw Chaos the Null Rod would eventually nullify all the Chaos there, ultimately upsetting the balance between Law and Chaos that sustains our reality and slowly but surely destroying the world. He then gave a hint to a Chaos Battery (found in Odious Uplands, the sequel to Operation Unfathomable and our next adventure!) that could reverse the polarity of the Null Rod and render it vulnerable to physical destruction. 

Well, you decide for yourself if that was a good ruling or not. My players bought it and I found a link to our next module. If you could handle that level of ad-lib then this module will be easy for you. 

PARTY OUTCOME

There aren’t many reviews of Operation Unfathomable online, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. My players entered the underworld with 3 level one PCs: Fartwolf the Fighter, Wooly Nelson the Wooly Neanderthal (a class unique to this module), and Eggy Weiner the Thief. In the first session, Eggy experimented with science fungoid spores and turned into a humanoid mushroom man. We used the stats of the Mycelian from Carcass Crawler #3. However, he got captured in a failed raid on the throne room of Shaggath-Ka, the local Chaos Godling, and the player rolled up a new character: Dorox Thundershield the Blue Dwarf who soon got a fungal brain infection and had his intelligence reduced significantly. Don’t eat strange mushrooms, kids!!

In the second session the party discovered and defeated Shaggath-Ka the Worm Sultan with the help of Antipersonnel Puffballs, a motley crew of suicide mission-sworn retired Paladins, and a host of weird magical abilities and mutations they had gained.  Big win and unexpected! Amazing what exploding neanderthal enemas can accomplish! His conniving worm-son, Shaggankh, was grateful to the party for expediting his father’s demise and his coronation as worm sultan and allowed them to leave with their lives as a reward.

In session three the party continued their search for the Null Rod or some evidence of the absent prince’s whereabouts. They explored deep into the map and discovered a lot of the lore and history of the underworld. They also met some interesting NPCs, had a bunch of battles and whittled away at their supply of retainers and magic items. 

In the fourth and final session the party found the corpse of the lost prince, retrieved the Null Rod from a micro-sized civilization of Nanuits living in a frozen cave and beat a fast retreat to the surface. Some very lucky rolls and their remaining Antipersonnel Puffballs made handy work of the small Imperial strikeforce awaiting their return at the surface and the Citizen Lich Sorcerer leading the brigade who had designs to take the party prisoner and steal the rod back for the Empire. 

The players are now free and clear in the untamed wilds of Upper Mastadonia and ready to begin exploring the hexcrawl sequel to Operation Unfathomable – The Odious Uplands! 

It’s worth noting that they are mostly almost at 3rd level now. There is not a lot of gold and riches to plunder in the underworld. I gave 500 bonus milestone XP when they killed the Chaos Godling and when they completed the module to compensate and celebrate those pretty cool achievements. That may be sacrilegious to some so know that there’s not a lot to support leveling up if you’re strictly XP for Gold style. 

I expected this adventure to take way longer than it did. However, I’m really happy with how it went and glad that the players made it through so much wacky content in our four, three-and-a-half hour sessions. Very successful!

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’m so happy we played this. It’s goofy and fun and full of amazing memorable encounters. It’s a pretty beefy module with a lot of words and amazing artwork that you’ll be absolutely dying to share with your players when they encounter some new transdimensional monstrosity. It’s not as easy as some of the OSE-style dungeon modules to run but it’s worth the extra effort to read & roll ahead. 

NOTE: We used the DCC module “Frozen in Time” as a funnel before playing Operation Unfathomable and it was a pitch perfect match in terms of tropes and themes. Definitely recommended: it’s a really good module itself and the text-heavy DCC module experience kinda prepared me to run Operation Unfathomable right after. Recommended.

[shining-skull]

ADVENTURE REVIEW: SECRET OF THE BLACK CRAG

AUTHOR/PUBLISHER: Chance Dudinack SYSTEM: Old School Essentials LEVEL RANGE: 1-5

THE PITCH

A strange and legendary mountain has emerged from the depths of the sea. Strange fish-people are attacking ships and waylaying travelers. The pirate shanty-town of Port Fortune is where your quest to uncover the secrets of the Black Crag begins.

CONTEXT

I backed this Kickstarter many moons ago when I saw that it was being written by Chance Dudinack. I played and loved his ‘Black Wyrm of Brandonsford” many times and knew that this would be a winner. 

We spent the better part of a year playing this in-person weekly or bi-weekly with one GM and two PCs. Lots of retainers died in the making of this review.

PREP TIME

I read the book one time from front to back over the course of a couple of hours. It’s not that long.

I strongly recommend reading the section at the front of the book about the history and background of the Black Crag: once the party enters that final dungeon it will help the GM a lot to know what the goals of the different factions are. 

Understanding and/or deciding the relationships between Red Rathbone (mayor of Port Fortune), the Sea Hag, the Merfolk, and the Tatunca villagers ahead of time would benefit the GM in the long haul.

Awesomely, the book contains all the content needed to manage ocean travel so it was a great quick reference during play. I still needed the OSE rule book to look up some spells for my players but most of the adventure content is found in the book, including monster & ship stat blocks and magic item effects. 

There are plenty of random tables to roll on if you want to ‘prep as you play’. There are fantastic resources for creating fun and flavorful NPCs on the fly and some very useful pre-made pirate ships & crews that came in super handy. 

NPCs are unique and all have enough ‘personality’ to make them stand out against each other and be easy to roleplay for the GM without having to remember too much. Likewise, the relationships and goals of factions and NPCs are described well and simple enough to run without getting bogged down or needing to cross reference anything.

Take note: some of the labels on the downloadable content don’t match the numbers and letters in the book. This was my one gripe that made things clunky sometimes at the table. Absolutely not a deal-breaker though! Just a smudge on an otherwise fantastic experience.

Overall, this was very easy to run “seat of the pants” and I was super-impressed by the clear layout and ‘just enough’ descriptions. I never planned ahead for a single session and we had a fantastic time.

AT THE TABLE

My party hadn’t played a pirate/nautical themed adventure so this was an eye-opener. After their first day at Port Fortune they attempted to sail the seas in a tiny dinghy. They got lost and a random table had them stuck on a sandbar after their boat was struck by lightning and capsized. The ocean became a ‘faction’ on its own at that point. 

At sunrise, a legendary Great White Shark began circling. The fighter managed to harpoon a makeshift raft to it and leap on its back and steer the beast to the closest island. 

The different islands provided loads of exciting themed experiences. There were giant birds, strange glowing space-eggs, cave monsters, monkey temples and all the fun stuff you’d hope for. Session-to-session the party would just decide what unexplored place to visit or stop by on the way to the place they were heading and they’d often find more than they’d bargained for. 

OLD SCHOOL VIBES

Black Crag is packed with interesting factions and relationships. Much like Chance Dudinacks other adventure “The Black Worm of Brandonsford,” there are loads of relationships and connections between locations and NPCs built into the game that lead players to make interesting and world-impacting decisions. 

They developed interesting ad-hoc relationships with the different factions and were able to come up with their own interesting goals and designs. As the adventure progressed they promised vengeance against the captain of an imperial treasure barge, Lord Duke Baron, who had embarrassed them early in the adventure. One player, after being mutated during a magical pact to gain water breathing abilities, decided to woo the Queen of the Mermaids. Not surprisingly, the party started collecting ships and trying to make their own fleet.  It was pretty epic.

Exploration is a big part of the game. The map of the Salamander Islands was very useful. I printed out an 11x17 size copy of it for the players and they traced their travels and made notes on it using a red pen. It was a useful tool, fun prop, and a great keepsake of the adventure! It provided the chance for meaningful and engaging overland exploration in addition to dungeon delves.

Dungeons have lots of different paths through and there’s often more than one way to solve a problem or make it across a trap. Magical crystals can be found at different places across the map that can be used in multiple dungeon locations so sometimes it’s worth it to revisit a dungeon to use a crystal you’ve found to access a new area. Likewise, some areas in dungeons are flooded and require water-breathing to make meaningful progress through. Accessing potions of water-breathing and longer term solutions became a goal of it’s own in our campaign.

Encounters are definitely not balanced: the party got in hot water a few times and loads of retainers were slaughtered. We ran with lots of retainers from the pirate crews and the cost to convince them to join skyrocketed as word spread of how much of a death sentence it was to be a retainer for the party.

There’s an awesome classic flavor to this adventure with just enough creativity to make it fresh. Giant statue guardians, enormous fauna, volcanoes, strange progenitor races, and the like all make for a super-fun old school vibe. Black Crag doesn’t ever reach ‘gonzo’ levels of weirdness but there’s just enough strange in there to keep things interesting, mysterious, and fun. 

TREASURE AND LOOT

The best treasure was always finding another ship to add to the fleet. 

The loot varied from low-key player-creative stuff like a voice-recording mechanical parrot, to utility items like a conch shell that creates air bubbles for underwater exploration, to magical swords and tridents. There are scads of pirate loot to collect and my players went from Level 1 to Level 5 pretty easily by looting hordes and treasure ships full of gold bars, coins, and other trade goods like casks of whiskey, etc.

The most impactful treasure was a water producing sea-dragon’s pearl that was used to flood a barricaded temple and commit monkey genocide to prevent the rise of an intelligent simian empire.

All that said, the loot may be the weakest part of the module. Nothing made the players stand up and shout. I added in some homebrew items that made use of the gems that I knew the players would enjoy to compensate.

MONSTERS AND FACTIONS

There are lots of unique monsters to this module. Standouts for our adventure were a giant, two-headed roc, the named megalodon shark, intelligent monkeys, precursor beings, and the sea dragon. 

TRAPS AND PUZZLES

Most of the puzzles and traps rely on player’s accessing magical gems to proceed. This can make things a bit simple sometimes but it’s also good because players rarely got stumped by puzzles they couldn’t solve. The traps had pretty simple solutions in most cases which I think is good. It gave players pause for thought without frustrating them entirely. I wouldn’t say that this module is characterized by complex or intriguing puzzles though.

GM CHALLENGES

As a GM, I needed to get savvy with ship-based combat and ocean travel rules, which I had not used before. Thankfully, all the info I needed was in the Black Crag book so quick reference was easy. 

Managing crew-vs-crew combat was also something new for me. I wound up buying some cubes of Chessex mini-d6’s and houseruling group combat basically using the rules from RISK. It worked and was still fun!

Some of the events that could occur were game-changing and led to end-game scenarios that exceeded the scope of the book to describe and run. The final session required a bit of prep on my part to prepare. The map significantly changed and technologies that were not present before came into play. However, we ran this campaign for the better part of a year and the only prep I needed to do was for the finale, so I think that’s fair.

Once more, some of the map labels didn’t match the book which made at-the-table reference a pain sometimes. However, the book is pretty slim and I was still able to cope. Not a deal-breaker. 

PARTY OUTCOME

Our party ultimately succeeded in solving the mystery of the Black Crag and becoming the most notorious pirates in the Salamander Archipelago. Two main characters became wedded to local royalty, one was unrecognizable after being blinded, mutated, and losing his true name in ill-fated bargains with a sea witch. 

We ended with a bit of a cliffhanger as one of the possible ‘big bads’ in the adventure became empowered through the PC’s actions. We may revisit it as a one-shot to have a final battle! 

FINAL THOUGHTS

This campaign is one of the best I’ve ever run as a self-contained module. We got almost a year of weekly or bi-weekly gaming out of it and I pretty much never had to prep anything, so that’s a massive win. If you are looking for a pirate-themed campaign this rings the bell. The scope is big enough for exploration and fun but contained enough to be manageable and have interesting domino effects occur. 

Players really got into watching their characters mutate and evolve, designed their own ‘jolly roger’ flags and named their ships, and grew their influence and renown as pirates. The campaign never got dull and always felt fun and exciting. 

Highly recommended!

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS RECAP: SESSION 4 Part 2 "The Final Showdown--Heckpocalypse NOW!"

Outside the foreboding Skull Cave, perched precariously above crashing waves, The Goon Crü stumbles upon a black Trans Am surrounded by clove cigarette butts—a sure sign of Damien's presence, the Satanist Cult leader they learned about from Satanist Loser Ted at the haunted lighthouse.

Summoning their courage, the boys venture into the cave's gaping maw, Bobby's Heckshredder infernal hell-ectric guitar setting the tone with a haunting rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy." Lionel's birthday sparklers cast flickering light as they navigate the cavern's depths.

Their path leads them along an underground stream, where red eyes glint in the darkness—a harbinger of the C.H.U.D.s, sub-human cannibals lurking below the town. A fierce battle ensues, sparklers blazing and Heckshredder shredding until the creatures are vanquished.

Pressing on, they encounter a hallway adorned with skulls with kissy-lips and a tiled floor concealing deadly traps. With careful steps, they navigate the treacherous path, reaching the legendary treasure horde of Captain Pegleg. Tempted by gold, they resist, drawn onward by the sounds of satanic rituals echoing ahead.

In the next chamber, they find Nancy, leader of the Hill Street Heroes and Bobby's crush, in peril atop a narrow stone pedestal. Damien, the cult leader, poised to sacrifice her, surrounded by black-cloaked satanists within a glowing pentagram.

Engaging in a frantic battle, the Crü unleash BBs, baseball bats, and enchanted cutlass slashes, sending the satanists plummeting into the abyss. Bobby charges across the rickety bridge, Heckshredder blazing, decapitating Damien in a dramatic showdown. But not before Damien slashes Nancy's palm, activating the ritual pentagram with her blood.

As crimson droplets fall, the pentagram erupts in red laser beams, heralding the arrival of Satan himself—a tall, slim figure with red skin, a goatee, tiny horns, and a forked tail. The Goon Crü stand their ground, facing the ultimate showdown against evil in a climax fit for an '80s adventure, their resolve unwavering as they prepare to confront the Prince of Darkness himself.

As Satan nonchalantly lights a cigarette with a flame from his finger, the boys brace themselves for the ultimate battle. Words of scorn and fireballs fly as the boys slash, smack, and hack at the demon, their weapons clashing against his infernal might. A splash of holy water from Father O'Tool's blessing and a final slash from the Heckshredder brings Satan to his knees, but not without cost—the guitar falls to ashes, destroyed by the demonic presence.

Just when the boys think they've won, Satan reveals his true form: a monstrous, goat-legged, bull-horned demon. Heckspawn burst forth from his hellish dimension, singeing the boys' hair and clothes. Realizing brute force won't suffice, Bobby dons the alien psychic helmet, engaging in a mental duel with the Devil himself. As mental strain takes its toll, Lionel's recitation from the Jesus pamphlet bolsters Bobby's resolve, tipping the scales in his favor.

Brett's BB gun shot, infused with divine energy, conjures the image of Jesus, striking Satan with holy force. Seizing the opportunity, Lionel slashes off one of Satan's arms with Captain Pegleg's cutlass, while Chet lands a stone between his eyes. Summoning his courage, Bobby launches a final psychic attack, aided by thoughts of bravery and kindness, causing Satan's head and body to explode in a burst of golden light. The demon is vanquished.

Amidst collapsing caverns, the boys race to safety, rescuing Nancy from the collapsing tunnels and dodging traps along the way. As they emerge from Skull Cave, they encounter a UFO, similar to the one near Farmer Johnson's house. Through the psychic helmet, they communicate with the grateful aliens, who offer them one wish as a reward for accomplishing the task which had brought them across the galaxy to Earth: preventing the cosmic alignment from summoning the prince of chaos. Choosing a new car for Zed, the Goon Crü witnesses the creation of a vibrant purple van adorned with barbarians and wizards—a token of gratitude for their heroism.

Returning the van to Zed's Arcade as a surprise, they watch the UFO depart into space, marking the end of the eclipse. With summer vacation ahead, the Elm Street Goon Crü reflect on their adventures, emerging a little older, a little wiser, and undoubtedly way more rad.

-END-

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS RECAP: SESSION 4 Part 1 "Race to Skull Cave"

Caught in a lie about their sleepover adventure at the haunted lighthouse, The Goon Crü found themselves grounded for a week. However, with the town's fate hanging in the balance on the morning of the apocalyptic lunar eclipse, the kids were determined to save the day. Gathering outside the local church, they awaited Bobby, still clad in his altar boy gown, ready to embark on their heroic quest.

Uncertain where to start, the crew pedaled over to Zed's Arcade for assistance. Unfortunately, their revelation of crucial information to the Hillstreet Heroes, rival neighborhood kids, left them in a bind. Seeking aid from Zed, they were granted the use of his electric blue (and primer) Chevette. Bobby, disguised as a grandmother with the top of an old mop, took the wheel, while the rest of the crew squeezed into the backseat.

With a jolting start, the Chevette sped down the central road of town, drawing the attention of a passing police cruiser. Faced with a crucial decision—stop and face the music or flee—Bobby floored it.

The Chevette careened up onto the curb, knocking over a stop sign, as the police cruiser blared its siren. Lionel, Chet, and Brett took turns firing BBs and throwing plates at the pursuing car. With a silent prayer, Bobby wrestled back control, only to find the road blocked by the Hill Street Heroes, who had sabotaged the route with tacks and bikes.

Lionel's cap gun rattled out the window, scattering the rival gang as Bobby swerved around the blockade, albeit with a punctured tire. With a quick-thinking plan to ditch the car, the crew planted sparklers in the gas tank before crashing it into a dumpster. The resulting explosion served as a fiery distraction, allowing the kids to escape on bikes salvaged from the wreckage.

However, their getaway was interrupted by the O'Tool siblings, hot on their heels. The Goon Crü unleashed a barrage of plates and BBs, knocking their pursuers off their bikes, leaving them bruised and battered. Undeterred, the crew pedaled onward towards Skull Cave, determined to thwart the impending apocalypse and save their town, come hell or high water.

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS RECAP: SESSION 3

The Elm Street Goon Crü—newly self-dubbed heroes—aimed for fame by sharing photos of the Alien-hybrid Farmer Johnson minotaur beast with the high school newspaper. Blocked by some jean jacket wearing cigarette-smoking high school kids, they hatched a plan to bribe their way in. A mall escapade, featuring popsicles and Chett's mission to buy Cool Slim Menthols, ensued without a hitch, thanks to Chett's mom, Cheryl being a regular at the tobacco shop.

Inside the high school, their mission shifted as the newspaper editor tasked them with investigating the rumored haunted lighthouse. Under the guise of a sleepover, the crew, armed with lies and enthusiasm, set out to stake out the eerie structure.

Arriving at the misty pier near the lighthouse, they encountered two gothic figures with messy black hair, black capes, pentagrams, and eyeshadow—obviously satanists. Eavesdropping beneath the pier revealed the goths' complaints about Brother Damien's sinister chicken sacrifices. The crew, channeling their inner MacGyver, concocted a trap for the goths, utilizing Bobby's Heckshredder hell-ectric guitar to weaken the pier boards.

Executing a well-timed "Pizza Delivery!" ruse, the goths tumbled into the water below. Seizing the opportunity, the Goon Crü leapt over the pier hole, entered the lighthouse, and locked the door behind them. The abandoned living quarters within were a scene right out of a haunted mansion—broken furniture, dusty sheets, and an phantasmagoric humanoid shape—the ghost of Nelly Wilson, the lighthouse keeper.

A heartfelt conversation with Ghost Nelly unveiled a tragic tale of smuggling and lost love. Lionel's Jesus pamphlet and the crew's suggestion that Nelly aid them in defeating the rumored lighthouse satanists served as a path to redemption. Nelly scouted the floor above, turning the Heckshredder into an hair rock sensation, disrupting the satanists' ritual with heavily distorted power chord sea shanties. The ensuing chaos had satanists fleeing in terror, leaving only Satanist Loser Ted behind.

Questioning Satanist Loser Ted revealed that Brother Damien was in Skull Cave, preparing for a ritual during the Blood Moon Eclipse. The crew left the lighthouse, promising Nelly to retrieve his lost fiancee's remains from Skull Cave after defeating the satanists. At the church, Father O'Tool entertained Ted with Bible stories, while back at the treehouse sleepover, the Elm Street Goon Crü, plotted their '80s-style strategy to thwart the satanic Blood Moon ritual and save their town.

[shining-skull]

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS PREP: SPACE EGG

These are the prep notes I made in my tiny little A6 notebook. This added up to over two hours of gameplay! Noice!

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS RECAP: SESSION 2

On a bright and sunny morning, the kids awake to the unsettling news of Farmer Johnson's disappearance as reported on the morning radio. Concerned, they convened at their treehouse and decided to take matters into their own hands, eager to beat the Hillstreet Heroes to the case.

En route to the Johnson farm, they encountered the O'Tools once again. Quick thinking from Chet Bonks, who spilled marbles to trip three of the O'Tools, allowed the group to escape using Lionel Jett's jury-rigged smoke bomb from his chemistry set. However, their journey through the spooky woods took an unexpected turn as they were harassed by a strange, glowing orb of electricity.

Thinking on their feet, Bobby plugged the Heckshredder hell-ectric guitar into the orb, playing a solo that drained some of its energy. Science-savvy Lionel used a slinky and a baseball bat to ground the ball lightning, reducing it to a mere spark. Lost in the woods, the team stumbled upon a clearing of burnt and felled trees surrounding a large, house-sized silver egg half-buried in the ground.

Using a cheat code from Bobby's Nintendo, they cracked the combination lock on the space egg, revealing a hologram of Farmer Johnson inside. Asked about the meaning of life, Lionel's insightful response, "Love and likingness" opened a door to another room. Inside, they discovered seven grey-skinned creatures wearing metal-wired helmets connected to a giant computer.

Using a stealthy approach, Bobby plugged the Heckshredder guitar into the computer, playing an epic distorted power chord that caused the alien's heads to explode. The commotion attracted the attention of a monstrous creature in from adjacent room – a hybrid with a cow's horned head atop a farmer's body. The kids engaged in a battle, ultimately defeating the creature by shooting acid at it, causing electrocution when its horns got stuck in the wall of the space egg.

Exploring further, they entered a room with a bizarre contraption: two vats connected by tubes and wires. In one vat, they found a cow's body with Farmer Johnson's head attached. Recalling his last memory of investigating crop circles and being lifted into the air by strange lights, and having a sore butt they placed the cow creature's corpse into the other vat and pulled a lever. In a blinding flash of light, Farmer Johnson's head was restored to his normal body.

Before leaving the spacecraft, the children discovered a computer screen showing an eerie animation of a red moon during a solar eclipse. The ominous prediction indicated this celestial phenomenon would happen in a week, accompanied by alien hieroglyphics that included the unmistakable number 666. The chilling revelation left the kids uneasy, hinting at a future catastrophe tied to impending cosmic disturbances.

As a token of gratitude, Farmer Johnson led the children out of the forest and treated them to barbecue at his house. In appreciation for their heroic efforts, they received corn on the cob and a thermos of iced tea as a prize, along with a strange alien helmet with antennas that they had discovered during their adventure.

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS PREP: LOCAL LIBRARY

Not gonna lie, I stole all this from Stygian Library by Emmy Allan. You should check it out 'cause it's boss. I picked and choosed some items from the things in that book and rolled randomly while the kids explored around the library.

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS PREP: ZED'S ARCADE

This location was really easy to make: it's just a few super generic vanilla dungeon rooms! Not like I've never done that before!

The idea was to make it super tropey dope just like and old school video game. I rolled the rooms in a random order so it would be more interesting for me.

My minimal notebook pages are below. Got like two hours of game time out of this . . .

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS RECAP: SESSION 1

We had our first session of the campaign I'm calling "Retro Rascals" the other day. It's heavily based on the Tunnel Goonies game by Jimmy Shelter and uses the Tunnel Goons rules by Nate Treme.

The characters in the game are:

Chet Bonks (Kid Brother, Age 6): Knobby knees, covered in bandages, T-ball & baseball fan

Bobby Henderson (Chubby Kid, Age 12): Pigeon-toed, good at video games

Lionell Jett (Nerd, Age 7): Coke-bottle glasses, Superman cape

Brett Macchio (Athlete, Age 8): Filthy, wears a sweatband

Our session began on the first day of summer with the children meeting up at their tree house and deciding to go to Zed's Arcade to investigate a rumor they had discovered from reading a poster stuck on a telephone pole: Tony DeLucci, a neighborhood kid, had been missing for a week. Some parents were saying that he might have been kidnapped by Satanists. The arcade was the last place he had been seen.

On the way there, they were waylaid by the O'Tool Brothers: Doyle, the eldest & a fat bastard, and his brothers Lloyd, Dwight, and Wayne. The O'Tools are bullies who want to pound on all the neighborhood kids. Lionel deftly tangled their bike spokes with a thrown slinky and the kids hid out in the mall.

After buying some hot dogs, marbles, and stealing a handful of coins from the mall fountain by distracting the mall cop with a photograph the kids made their way to Zed's Arcade. When they got there they bumped into a rival kid-gang, the Hillstreet Heros. They learned that Tony DeLucci, the missing kid, disappeared after having got the high score on the new game, Dungeons of Zork. Some kids were saying that the game was cursed. The kids decide to play the game to see if they could find any clues. After a couple of tries, Bobby got the high score.

The children awoke, after a dizzying flash, in a dungeon room in front of a locked door with many keyholes numbered 1 to 10. Above the door was a sign reading "Step into the Odd". Looking up further, the children saw a glass ceiling looking out into the arcade above, enormous kid faces peering at the machine. They had been sucked into the Dugneons of Zork videogame!

The children puzzled out that they needed to insert the key into the odd numbered locks on the door and got it open. In the next dungeon room they saw a group of goblins playing cards around a campfire. The kids introduced themselves and shared a candy bar that they had bought at the mall to get past. They traversed a rickety bridge over a bottomless pit in the next room and stepped into Zork's throneroom.

Within the throneroom they saw Zork, a fat and disgusting demon wielding an unholy electric guitar, about to lower Tony DeLucci, his captive, into a pit of lava! After a pitched battle, Bobby attacked with his BB Gun and shot the demon right in the butt, destroying him. The children rescued Tony, looted the Heckshredder guitar and it's unholy amplifier, and passed through a magical portal to escape.

They woke up in a dumpster in an alley behind the arcade. It was almost dark and they needed to get home soon to avoid being spanked and grounded, but decided to drop by the library next door to research about Satanists to see if they might have something to do with the demonic arcade game.

After arriving, the librarian told the boys that she suspected Satanists were about since the library's copy of the D&D Dungeon Master's Guide had been stolen. The children wandered the library for a while and got lost since no one understood the Dewey decimal system. Wandering the corridors of books they found themselves in a spooky room full of animal skeletons. In the room was Father O'Tool, uncle of the O'Tool bullies and Catholic priest. He warned the boys not to mess around with Satanists and gave them a holy pamphlet about Jesus.

The kids found their way out of the library and pedaled home like bats out of hell to make it back before dark . .

It was a pretty silly session but lots of fun!

[shining-skull]

RETRO RASCALS MAP

My group and I have started a new mini-campaign. It is based heavily on Tunnel Goonies by Jimmy Shelter and we are using Nate Treme's free super-lite Tunnel Goons rules to try them out. You should check these out because they are free and cool.

This is the map that I made in a tiny notebook I've been using to prep the campaign. I used the same ideas from the Tunnel Goonies postcard rpg on itch.io but changed some locations to make it easier to key for myself.

I'm taking a decidedly lo-fi approach to prep and the game itself. My prep is limited to a small A6 notebook with a two page spread per location.