shlokkss - Tumblr blog

[shlokkss]

blurring the lines between reality and fiction from my mind, i drape the silhouette like a cloak, shunning out the misconstrued cacaphony of insecurities. it keeps me shielded from my inhibitions being scratched at.

the apprehension makes me shrink to the darkest of nooks, away from mortal contact for I see only contempt in the friendliest of faces.

sometimes i feel like Atlas, only the skies don't feel like my burden anymore. i'm left grasping for words with those I've spent hours clocking memories. i look for barbs in flowery texts. they should be there, i tell myself. shouldn't they?

it's four in the morning, I'm deleting messages and uninstalling apps. and yet, the walls dictate their own version of my misery, echoing profanities of those who feel I'm no good. and I'm down another made-up spiral, with no rail to hold onto.

i type: do i need help?

backspace;

[shlokkss]

To the one who's always listened.

You’ve been there for every person who’s chanced at your room; listened to their woes as the dim light of dawn peeked through your window. Your slender shoulders have born the weight of countless souls and sorrows. You’ve answered calls at 2 am, taken them places to lighten their mood, gone out of your way to turn their frown into a smile. Somehow, you always strike the perfect chord to make things better.

It’s not your fault that you expected them to be there when you needed a shoulder. How would you know that they’d choose to show you their back when you needed them the most? After all, you had all the synonyms of besties tagged for each other. As they walk away from you, you find yourself amidst scores of eyes and smiles- the same eyes that had come to you crying- but with no anchor. Are you able to give yourself any golden words? Or do you turn to the BuzzFeed listicles for a bandaid?

While the whole world tells you to take a step back, give time to yourself and maybe not answer that call at 3 a.m, I’d like to tell you that you have immense healing power. Your words are a lantern in the densely forked jungle; you mold your musings in just the right way to make them feel empowered and confident; happy and contended. Believe me, in this apathetic and snap-judgement society, you come as a patient listener with word-perfect counseling. So, yes. You can hit snooze to the incoming call at 3 a.m. But don’t once doubt your judgment or your worth for lending a helping hand. The world needs emotional healers like you.

[shlokkss]

As Nature unleashes her fury, trapping us in between four walls; I hope we realise that Nature is not ours to cage and play with.

[shlokkss]

Ephemeral.

A dull orange light gleamed on the empty tables of an otherwise packed eatery. A worker was sweeping away the dust that had accumulated on its steps. Shutters were down on a majority of the shops. The gloominess persisted for another kilometer, with solitary security guards manning the deserted complexes. The roadway ended at the hospital, thronged with hysterical patients. Nurses were on their toes, attending to the anguished patients. A doctor in plastic overalls was sitting on a ledge outside the hospital, finishing the last bite of his sandwich. Probably his first meal since morning. Dusting his hands off, he put on the mask on his already chapped face. He rubbed away the stream of blood oozing out from a gash in his cheeks and walked back into the war-zone.

I’ve often heard there is order in chaos. Yet, I failed to find order in the world that has become today! A world filled with horror, with 365 different agendas of torture unleashed one day at a time screams of chaos, of agony, of helplessness, of misery. Of the fear of having nothing to fill your plate or cover your head the next day.

Just then, a little girl went running to a lady who was walking out of the hospital doors. The lady smiled as the girl hugged her, crying profusely. As they walked past me, I heard her say, “Being in the hospital for 15 days with no sense of smell and taste has spoilt my appetite. How ‘bout a pizza?” and made their way to the nearest take-away. The contentment that the three of them felt was reflected on the cashier’s face as he took the first order of the day.

It’s these baby steps, these tiny acts of solicitude that guide us defeatists to crawl out of our shambles. Life can throw all sorts of rotten tomatoes at us, hitting us with all its might and jarring us off our feet. Yet, we stand and face it with all our vigour.

After all, we grow from the dirt we are left in.

[shlokkss]

Drenched.

It started with a small tug at my heel, followed by a few splashes on my foot. Soon enough, the little waves engulfed my calves and before I realised, the huge wave knocked me off my feet, leaving me breathless. I was now chest-deep in water.

"Fascinating, how gravity works here", my brain chimed.

"Oh, honey. That's how I work too", my heart smirked, filling with remorse.

[shlokkss]

Switches.

Blinding lights, not darkness, flooded my brain when I closed my eyes. Turns out, there were a hundred switches of chats, discussions, fights and news turned on. Sighing, I started turning them off one after the other. I was at the 34th switch when the conversation hit me. Twisting and turning in my bed, I went over and over the whole fight, justifying each rash word I'd used. Funny, these justifications didn't occur to me when I spewed them at her. When I finally turned of switch 34, it was 4 a.m. and sleep seemed like a luxury I'd attain after turning off 66 more switches. So I went back to yet another episode of FRIENDS with maximum brightness on my laptop, hoping my swollen eyes would eventually obscure all the light glowing in my head.

[shlokkss]

2020:Graduation.

Saree for Batch Photography: check

Farewell dress: check

Polaroid: check (films checked too)

It was the last day of Holi break. Last-minute packing was underway. Tomorrow, I'd be leaving home for the last leg of college life. Excitement was palpable. So was apprehension. Will the virus play foul? Shrugging these thoughts I went to bed, dreaming of outings, parties, farewells and last goodbyes.

'Due to the ongoing pandemic situation and as per the directives issued by the Central Government, the University will be shut till 31st March'. This notice came in early next morning, ending our college life in just a few sentences. All our plans remained, well, just plans. 

As the different versions of the lockdown unfolded, I went from a state of bewilderment to anger to denial to forbearance. The economy was in a downward spiral; job offers were being rescinded, higher studies abroad was kept on hold and in no time, robots were being sent in our place for our graduation ceremony. It felt all the more incredible when I clicked 'send' to my final undergraduate thesis from the couch in my living room. We would be walking into a disarrayed society with no clarity of tomorrow.

We are now being called the brave ones, the survivors, the batch that will change the course of life on Earth. Sure, it sounds all fancy coming from the likes of Beyonce, Sundar Pichai, Barack Obama, Oprah or Tom Hanks. But deep down, all we almost-engineers wanted was to sit in the lawns of our college, dance to bollywood songs in our hostels, have the bowl of maggi from the canteen, sit in class with him during lectures, pose for the group photos and successfully pull off the college trip. 

For one last time.

Still waiting for a closure,

The batch that was to graduate in 2020.