shortandsatirical

[shortandsatirical]

Soul Snatched

I

Many people had claimed that somewhere in the village of Kelna, the devil lurked, trading for and in some cases stealing people’s souls. No one really knew who he was or what he looked like. He was constantly changing his form and identity. Sometimes, he’d appear as a beautiful young woman, or your sister. Other times, he could appear as a kind old man, probably your grandfather whose funeral you went to last month. Regardless, he knew how to get his hands on any soul, forcefully or other. It was only right that he learnt his lesson sooner or later.

I was a merchant, a fair and well respected one, or so I’d been told. I knew the exact value all of my goods held, and I traded for no more, but sometimes less. See, I had a strong sense of sympathy, and was willing to help out a man, or a woman, or a child in need. Fortunately, the people of Kelna were very kind, too, and did not take advantage of my own.

I never stayed in one place for long, often travelling from village to village and kingdom to kingdom. However, Kelna had come to be my favorite place after only two visits. Not only were the people lovely, but everything else was, too, from the buildings to the mere scent (usually of lavender). I have gotten to know many of the residents, including the very unique Thea.

Thea was only a child, but she was a very strange one. She did not live a fortunate life. Her mother had died when she was born, and her father as well, by no one’s hands but his own. Clearly, he was too selfish to undergo the emotional pain and raise the poor child on his own, but maybe that was for the best. She bounced between the homes of her relatives, until she ran away two years before this incident would occur.

Now, I didn’t exactly take her in, but I did make it a habit to visit her whenever I came to Kelna. I would save her a few of her favorite green apples and bring them to her, for free, or course. She promised to pay me back as soon as she was older, but she never did. I didn’t hold that against her, though; that would be rather cruel of me.

As for what made her strange, well… she was never your typical loud and energetic kid. In fact, she was a bit lazy and too much noise would make her cry for hours. (Because of this, I gifted her ear plugs on my third visit, but that is irrelevant.) Usually, quiet people loved to read, but she absolutely despised books. Whenever I saw her, she instead sat still, doing nothing at all. I questioned whether or not she knew how to breathe but seeing as she was still alive, she probably did. Needless to say, she was a strange kid.

II

Before going to see Thea, I had already been in the village for two days. The girl would move her sitting location every once in a while, and the village wasn’t exactly small. It took me two and a half days to find her, but I managed to before the apples rotted, and that was all that mattered.

She was sitting behind a building that was owned by a rich noble which was stranger than usual for her, because she was often found in plain sight. However, I did not question it at the time. Surely, she had her reasons…

I crouched down beside her and wordlessly handed her her apples. She nodded in content.

“Thank you, Mister Sigrid. Shall I pay you now?” she asked.

It was then that I realized this was not Thea but actually an impostor. I was sure of this. Firstly, Thea never thanked me nor did she call me mister. Secondly, she did not offer to pay. Thirdly, Thea never spoke in complete sentences; she had an abstract manner of speaking.

Just to further test my speculation, I nodded and said, “Why of course, Dear Thea, but maybe we should move to a better place. Its rather dark back here.”

The area I led her to was rather noisy, the type of place that would make the real Thea burst into tears. But this Thea did not. In fact, there was no shift in her at all. And thus, it was confirmed and i was able to conclude that this impostor was the clueless Devil.

You may be wondering how I knew it was the devil and not a very convincing look alike. Well, I’m actually wondering that, too. I must have had a lot of faith in my intuition.

I led the devil to an outdoor table and pulled out a parchment paper, quill, and bottle of ink. After scribbling out some sentences, I drew a line at the bottom of the paper and turned it to the fake across from me, handing him the quill already dipped in ink.

“I’m sure you’re used to this by now, Thea. This is simply the trust contract. You sign it every time. There’s nothing relevant on it; it’s just so I know my buyer trusts me. I don’t like doing business with someone who doesn’t.” I lied clean through my teeth.

This was a lie because I have never in my life sold to Thea or any other child, and I did not have trust contracts. Those were stupid and probably did not even exist. This was simply to trick the devil who knew none of this. I was sure he was so used to signing contracts as himself, that he’d mistakenly do it this time, too.

Alas, I was right.

He signed the contract and slid it over to me. I glanced at the signature and fell into a fit of giggles. He sent me a confused look.

“What’s so funny, Mister?” he asked.

“Read the contract, fool,” I said.

He did. By the end of it, he looked horrified. I went from giggles, to absolute hysterics.

“You came here to rob me of my soul, but it was you whose soul was robbed in the end! Who knew you had a soul in the first place? This was merely a gamble, and a gamble that I have won. Now, you’re just like all of your victims!” I exclaimed.

“Mister, please give it back,” he pleaded.

“Then swear to me that you will stop your thievish ways and return all the souls that you have stolen to whom they belong,” I said.

“No, never! They belong to me now, I took them!” he exclaimed.

“Come to me tomorrow, at this exact spot, after you have released them, and I will give you it back,” I said. “If you do not come tomorrow, I will give you another one, two, three days, but no more. On the third day, I must proceed to the next kingdom.”

I bid him farewell and skipped off in delight.

III

The next day, I sat at the table for almost three hours before the fake showed up. 

After our encounter the previous day, I managed to track down the real Thea and gave her the apples. I did not tell her of the devil. She was too young to know of all that. Maybe I would tell her in a few years, but for the time being, I kept quiet.

“Have you set them free?” I asked.

“Yes, I have,” he said. “May I have my soul back now?”

“No, you have lied to me. I am taking off one day because of that. You have two more days.”

And then I left.

On the second day, It was he who waited for me at the table. I sat down across from him.

“Have you done it yet?” I asked.

“Yes, some of them,” he said. “May I have it back now?”

“No, because I said to release them all. I will not take off another day, but you only have tomorrow to do as I have told you,” I said.

He looked angered when he left.

On the third and final day, we arrived at the same time.

“No, I have not released all of the souls, only a few more of them. I tried to do them all, but I could not bring myself to do it. Please, Mister, give me my soul back, and in the afterlife I will repay you,” he begged. “Without my soul, however, I can not return.”

“I said to release them all, and under no other circumstances should I give it back to you. I took your soul, and therefore, it is mine now. You said you can not go back without it? Then I will go back in your place, and you can remain here, soulless. But because I am a kind man, I will allow you to impersonate me. In three years, I will come back, and in the meantime, I want you to take care of the little girl Thea, the one you are impersonating right now. If I see you have done a good job, I will return your soul to you,” I said.

In his place, I did go back, and I fixed up his kingdom. Only a month later, I found Thea had shown up, and after three years I returned, but I did not give him his soul back. He didn’t steal any souls in those three years, but he did a terrible job at watching Thea. I am sure he learned his lesson. If not, then that is completely his problem.

[shortandsatirical]

Rat-ical Case

I

Before the rat, my day had already been off to an unwelcome start. To start off, I hadn’t woken up until minutes after my first class began. This was especially unacceptable, because I was the one teaching it.

I considered not showing up at all and calling in sick, just to avoid a lecture from my employer (I was the one who was supposed to be giving lectures, not him), but I was rather dedicated to my job and students and so I decided against it. I was almost certain I'd be found out in the end, guaranteeing unemployment for me. I wasn't the most stable financially at the time.

I tugged on my coat and grabbed my briefcase before trudging out the door. Breakfast would only make me later, which I could not afford. The university I had taught at was a bit far, but there had been an electrical outage the previous night and the trains were likely not up yet, forcing me to walk the whole way. However, it was Friday, and I had the next week off anyway, so it didn't matter much to me. I would likely be doing nothing and therefore didn't need my legs.

The next issue in my day, happened right after that. One of my neighbors- a talkative man named Alexander, but insisted on being called Alex- had stopped me to chat, and because I was a kind man, I couldn't find it in myself to avoid him.

"Ah, Professor Stephen, what a surprise to see you up so early," the issue said, closing his gate behind him. He had brought his dog out with him, likely taking him on a walk. His name, if I recalled correctly, was Caleb (a strange name for a dog, if you were to ask me). "On our way to work, are we?"

I refrained from pointing out that it was indeed not early, and already noon. "Yes, so if you don't mind, Alex, I've no time to chat."

"Of course, of course..."

Now, one would expect that to be enough for him, but alas, it was not. Instead, he followed after me. Whether it was intentional, I was not sure.

"Say, you wouldn't happen to have seen Caleb's collar, have you?" He asked, dragging said dog along. He appeared to be trying to sit in a single spot, and I couldn't help but sympathize with him.

"No, I haven't," I said. "You see, Alex, I'm already running late. Any later, and I just might be fired." This bit was a lie but he did not know that. "I might rush ahead, but please don't take it personally."

Alexander’s eyes widened (How was that still possible?) and he frantically shook his head. “No, no, go right ahead. You’re a wonderful professor, Stephen. If only we had teachers like you back in the day...”

With the way he acted, I had always forgotten that he was actually older than me. It wasn’t a big difference, only six years, which made him 35. To me, he seemed in every way not much older than 23.

I sped up before he had a chance to talk my ear off, which I suppose I could consider a win. Only, it wasted another five minutes of my time.

The third instance wasn’t until I reach the school. Of all 53 of my students, only 6 had remained. I still do not know whether they were the only ones to show up at all, or if the others had left after waiting for some time. It wasn’t often that more than about 20 students showed up, and as their teacher... I don’t think they should remain in the school.

Deciding that there was no point in my staying, I allowed my students to go to their next class and prepared to leave. I only had one other class to teach that day, but I didn’t think many would show up, so there was no reason for me to wait.

But as I was leaving, I felt a flare of pain on my shin, and kicked reflexively. I heard a thud and that was when I saw the scoundrel of a rat. It noticed my gaze and let out a squeal, dashing off somewhere in the room. However, I was not going to allow the pest to remain, in fear of someone seeing it and reporting that such a creature was spotted in my classroom.

I grabbed at it’s tail and dragged it towards me, lifting it in my hands and squeezing it, though I wasn’t quite sure what I was aiming for at the time.

And then, the door opened, and in walked Prof. Peters, who taught in the law department. He took one look at me and shook his head disapprovingly, rushing over to force the rat out of my hands. It landed on the ground with another thud (did that hurt?) and hid behind the law professor. If it were possible, it appeared to be glaring at me.

II

“Prof. Stephen, you know you should not be hurting innocent animals like that. I’m sure it didn’t cause you any harm,” Prof. Peters spoke.

“Ah, but that is were you’re wrong, Peters. This rat, as I was leaving, bit me for no reason,” I defended myself. “It does not belong here, in the school or on school grounds.”

“You must be mistaken, Stephen. Henry would never bite someone without provocation, and the school has no such rule. You must have done something for him to have bitten you like that.”

“Henry? So you know this rat?”

“I do know this rat, he has resided in my classroom for some weeks.”

“Well, either way, all I was doing was leaving, so I see no reason for him to have bitten me.”

“Let him defend himself, he can explain.”

“Ha! a rat, explaining itself? It must first be able to talk.”

The rat finally came out from behind Peters. “Harsh man, I am perfectly capable of doing such, so would you please stop talking as though I cannot?” the small creature said.

I froze at the small voice, unable to believe my ears. The rodent has spoken! But that is impossible!

I looked over at Prof. Peters, thinking it was all him and he was playing a trick on me. That man, I had never liked him since I met him four years ago. He had always behaved in such a stale manner and was much to stern to his students.

“Do not look at me, Stephen, look at the one speaking! Have you no manners?” Peters spoke angrily. He looked down to the rat. “Henry, did you bite this man?”

“I did, I bit this man. I felt threatened by his presence,” the rat explained briefly.

“And why did you feel that way?”

“Because, he seemed very angry and was too close to my home,” it answered.

“Nonsense!” I cried. “This creature spouts utter nonsense (and that is assuming it isn’t you doing the talking, Prof. Peters)! While I did feel angry, I had not even noticed this rat until it bit me. Therefore, I was the one threatened, and my actions were justified.”

“You human, your initial response to being bitten should not be to squeeze it until it pops. My bite is not deadly, and I am a very clean rat,” it exclaimed. It looked up at Peters. “Mr. Peters, I would like to take this man to court, for attempted murder.”

I scoffed. “Rodents cannot say nor do such things.”

Peters ignored me. “I believe you have every right, Mr. Henry. And would you accept me as your lawyer?”

“Of course, Peters, who else?” it squeaked. “Please make all necessary preparations as soon as possible. I am... uncomfortable to be anywhere near this man so I will reside in a tree in the meantime. Good day, Peters. Stephen.”

With that, the rat scurried out the door.

Prof. Peters gave me that stale look of his. “Please think twice before you try to murder and innocent being next time. Who knows where you’ll end up?” And then he, too, left the room.

I could not comprehend what had just happened. Was I going to court because of a pesky rat? How was it possible that it had spoken? As if the court would allow this! It must have been some weird dream I was having... Either way, I was sure I had nothing to worry about.

Fortunately, my misfortune for the day ended there.

III

Somehow, Peters had arranged everything as the rat had asked in only one week (and the court did allow it, can you believe that?), so I hadn’t any choice but to spend my own week off working with my lawyer to defend myself.

The week went by fast and before I knew it, I was in the defendant’s seat next to my lawyer, while that rat and the professor occupied the table to my left. Since Henry was so small, he had to sit on the table to be seen. In front of him was a notebook and pen, but for what?

After the opening statements were made, the clerk (whose name I had not bothered remembering) swore in the jury and then the first witness, Henry, was asked to stand up.

“Do you swear that the evidence you shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?” the clerk asked.

The rat picked up the pen in front of him and wrote something on the notebook. Peters picked it up and held it for the clerk to see. It had not been pointed in my direction, but I was still able to make out the words, in neat handwriting, ‘I do’.

Murmurs were heard throughout the jury. However, they quickly quieted down. Why was the rat writing? Could he not talk? Ah, but if I point it out, they’ll assume I’m crazy...

“Please state your full name,” the clerk said.

‘My name is Henry Watts,’ Henry wrote. It has a surname?

“Please be seated,” The judge said. It sat. Peters stood up.

“Mr. Watts, please tell the court what happened on the evening of April 1st, 1996,” Peters said. It began to write.

‘As I was on my way home, this Prof. Stephen was too close to my hole and as I was running away, he grabbed me by my tail and squeezed me so that I almost died.’

“Do you see Mr. Stephen in court today?” Peters asked.

‘Yes, he is right over there.’ The rat pointed at me with it’s weird tiny finger.

“Did you do anything to cause Mr. Stephen to attempt murder on you?”

‘Hardly. I bit him because I felt threatened.’

“And why did you feel threatened?”

‘He was angry, much bigger than me, and too close to my house than I found comfortable.’

“What happened after the attempted murder?”

‘Well, Prof. Peters made him drop me. He offered to help me in court and I spent the next week living in a tree in fear of Prof. Stephen’s return.’

“So after the incident, you began to fear Mr. Stephen?”

‘I feared him the second I met that man.’

“And after the incident, have you felt any pain?”

‘Yes, the man may have dislocated my arm, and it will flare up in pain every now and then.’

“Thank you. No further questions, My Lord.” The last part was spoken to the judge and Peters sat down.

I don’t remember much of what happened after Henry was questioned. I do believe my counsel cross-examined him, and then the second witness, who was a remaining student of mine, was called on to give her evidence. My counsel cross-examined her, too. Finally, I was called on to speak.

“Do you swear that the evidence you shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?” the clerk now asked me.

“I do,” I said.

“Please state your full name and spell your last name for the record.”

“Haris Stephen, S-T-E-P-H-E-N.”

“You may be seated,” the judge said. I sat.

“How many years have you been teaching at X University?” My counsel, Mr. Patel, asked me. I should not give the name of the university I taught at.

“I have taught at X University for four years.”

“Has any incident like this happened since you began teaching?”

“Not as far as I’m aware.”

“Why were you angry on the evening of the incident?”

“Because I was late to work and when I finally arrived, very few students of mine had remained.”

“And why did you try to kill the rat upon being bitten?”

“I am very dedicated to my job and was not aware that rats were allowed in the school, so I ought to have gotten rid of it.”

“Where did Mr. Watts bite you?”

“On my shin.”

“Was the bite infected and did it leave any marks?”

“The bite was not infected, but left a faint mark.”

“Does it still cause you any pain?”

“It did for the first three days following the incident, but not anymore.”

“No further questions.” Mr. Patel sat down.

“Does the plaintiff wish to cross-examine this witness?” the judge asked.

“Yes, my Lord. Have you seen any rats besides Mr. Watts throughout your four years teaching?” Peters asked.

“Other than the ones being used in the science department, I have not.”

"And you still felt it was fine for you to murder a resident of the school?"

"I did not know he was a resident at the time."

"Have you ever heard of any other professor attempting such a crime?"

"I have not."

"Would you have still tried such a thing if you weren't already angry that evening?"

"Yes, so long as I was not aware of his residing there."

“But you still believe it is fine if you murder a rat?”

“Yes, they are pests and can cause disease. Rats in the university would ruin it’s image.”

He announced that his cross-examination was complete.

And finally, Alexander, the talkative neighbor was called on. Again, I had not paid much attention to what was said but I do know that he was asked if I had ever acted cruelly towards an innocent creature during the entire time he had known me (nine years), to which he replied he once saw me catch a butterfly and tear off it's wings and antennae. I do not remember doing this, and therefore cannot defend my actions. But, if I ever had done such a thing, I deeply regret it.

After Alexander was questioned by Patel, Peters had cross-examined him, too. The only thing I had remembered by the end of it was that I did not look innocent in the slightest.

My case as the defendant had been completed and Peters and Patel gave the closing statements.

The rat wanted me behind bars for at least 6 months, followed by some time in anger management. Mr. Patel countered with only one month of jail time, or anger management, but not both. The jury went into the jury room and the judge went into his chambers. I sat silently as I waited for my verdict.

IV

The judge returned about half an hour later.

“Mister Reid, has the jury reached a verdict?” the judge asked.

“They have, my Lord.”

The sheriff brought the jury in upon being told to do so.

The clerk asked the foreperson if they reached a verdict, to which they replied that they did.

“Did you find the defendant, Haris Stephen, guilty or not guilty of the trauma and injuries sustained by the plaintiff, Henry Watts?”

“We find the defendant, Haris Stephen, guilty of the trauma and injuries sustained by the plaintiff, Henry Watts.”

And all thanks to that rat, I lost my job and spent the next six months in prison and the following six months in anger management. I wasn’t able to return to my job until a year after that, and taught at a different university, far away from the rat and Peters. One would expect me to have learned my lesson, but I have not! Instead, I killed every rat I’ve come across upon sight, only I never ended up in court again.

End