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Every Person Who Has Ever Heard of My ED is so Concerned Until They See What I Look Like

I have a lot of online friends. A lot. Like almost all my friends are online courtesy of anorexic asocial habits. And whenever I’ve been close enough to someone to tell them about my habits and about my disorder, they are very kind about it. They tell me I’m not fat, they say I am pretty, that I shouldn’t starve myself, that starving myself is dumb. They have access to my instagram, they know what I look like, they don’t know what I weigh. That is what I mean. Seeing me does’t mean anything. 

As soon as they learn that I weigh over 150, I am absolutely disgusting in their minds. I am fat and they know it. My eating disorder is fake and they tell me I should try harder with it. They are evil. The average person is evil and they look at us and they are disgusted because of our size. This is not a problem with us. This is a problem with them. And these assholes wonder why we starve ourselves. 

I want to make them feel guilty. I want to hurt them. I want to make them regret their words. 

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dark academia outfit inspiration

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I found ED Tumblr when I was 8. I didn’t forget y’all’s black and white thinspo compilations set to “big isn't beautiful”.

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I AM A THOUSAND TONS. I AM AN INCONVENIENCE. I CAN HEAR YOUR LEG BONES FRACTURE UNDER MY TRAGIC BOTTOM. SOMEONE ASSASSINATE ME

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If you’re hungry - drink water.

If you’re bored - drink water.

If you’re feel bad - drink water.

If you see this post - drink water. And reblog, so everyone can stay hydrated.

Always drink water. And you will be skinny.

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food diary 12/02/2020, today is a 800~ cal day, gonna probably dial it back to 700~ tomorrow

Breakfast/lunch idk I had it at 10-11am: 533 calories

sweet potato with butter and brown sugar: 182 calories

-sweet potato= 112

-butter= 30

-brown sugar= 40

Rice/chicken Thing: 351

-rice= 168

-chicken thigh= 160

-onion= 5

-cabbage= 10

-mushroom= 8

Dinner/Lunch idk it was at around 4pm: 

Mashed potato

-Potato= 163

-Butter= 30

Ice cream (literally just ice cream, 200)

Total was 926 which is bad, but it’s only 100 over, and I can do better tomorrow. I think I will plan out what I’m eating then, I will get on that tonight. Idk I could use some sweetspo I dunno

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I remember one time, I told a few friends my eating habits. They said I had an eating disorder and that I needed to stop and get help.  Then, a few month’s later, they saw my body. And then they told me to try harder to lose weight.

I will never trust what these men say. I am fat, and you know what, I do deserve to have an eating disorder. But even more, I deserve to be thin. 

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Reblog if…

You’re doing it so you can be confident in public, but not for the attention

The weight loss is not for the gender you’re attracted to, but because you don’t feel attractive

You’re tired of people making petty comments about your weight

You want people to stop trying to put your weight in a sugarcoated box by saying you’re ‘big boned’ ‘thicc’ ‘more to love’ ‘curvy’, etc.

One comment sent you into the start of your ED

A traumatic experience caused you to gain weight that just wouldn’t come off

New medication caused you to gain weight

A Doctor, family, teacher, or friend has ever called you fat

You feel this is the only way you’ll truly be comfortable in your own skin

You’re lying to family & friends

You feel a little bittersweet when they comment on your weight loss

It started as a ‘diet’ that spiraled out of control

You know recovery is an option, but you don’t want to

You used to deny your eating disorder

🌪I want to follow the people who reblog this🌪

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push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

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thinking about when i was small, how my mom told me that pipe cleaners were just a tool until people started idly shaping things with them and it grew so popular that they were marketed as crafting materials. and that story about how the original frisbees were disposable pie plates that students flattened to throw. and how when i was a child i had a wooden mancala set with shiny, colorful stones, but on invention it was played with rocks and grooves dug into the dirt. and middle school, paper football and tic-tac-toe and mash and mad libs, games that just need pen and paper. and before that, games of pretend with pirates and princes and masked marauders. how at slumber parties after lights out, we used to whisper storytelling games, i say one sentence and you say the next. and shadow puppets. and the way all the kids in the neighborhood used to divide into teams and throw fallen pine cones at one another. and the floor is lava game, and the quiet game, and the games i play with my coworkers that are just words and retention. and "put a finger down" on the high school bus. and little girls clapping together, and how the first jump-rope was undoubtedly just a length of rope who knows how long ago, and how natural it is to play, how we seek play at every age and with any resources we have and with whatever time we can squeeze it into in a day. i'm not an anthropologist or a psychologist but i think after food and shelter and water and air what comes next is games and stories and laughter. i think that there is nothing -- not sex or fighting or forming unlikely bonds with animals -- there is nothing more human than to play.

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My Desire to be Thin is Wrecking my Relationship

I love my boyfriend more than anything. Anything at all. He tells me to lean on him and he knows about my ED and so I tell him things like, “God I’m feeling huge today”, “I ate 776 calories today, is that okay?”, and stuff like that. But yesterday I was unloading my proverbial baggage and he blew up on me, threatened to break up with me, it was a very big and tear-filled thing. It’s all okay now but I'm afraid one of these days it won’t be. I promised myself I would be skinny for college, I start college in less than a year. I have to get serious so my ED is going to get a lot better/worse. And I have no one to talk me down from three day fasts anymore. His compliments and him saying, “Baby you’re not fat that’s insane,” never made me think I looked okay but it took me off the edge that I know I shouldn’t be on. I can’t tell him anything about this and it’s absolutely heartbreaking. 

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I think humans are meant to see the ocean.

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I’ve started covering my mirrors. I truly am disgusting.

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everytime anyone i know says they’re gonna lose weight, my ed goes crazy and makes me feel so competitive against them? the idea of someone becoming skinny before me is so scary and makes me so angry with myself. 

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tips for eating out with ana

never be the one to suggest going to eat

drink at least one glass of cold water before you go

if someone else wants to share a meal, do so.

when ordering avoid carb heavy foods such as pastas, burgers, bready foods, or fatty foods such as cheesy foods

look for metabolism boosters like spinnage

drink another while waiting for your meal

ask for no ice so you get more water

once you get your food wait a couple of minutes before you start eating

take sips every 1-3 bites

chew more, eat less

pick at your food

Don’t eat everything on your plate, restaurant portions are huge anyways

get water in a to go cup when you leave