sickawfulthing

[sickawfulthing]

𝙰𝚞𝚐𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝟼, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

[ID: I am more broken down than recovered. END ID]

[sickawfulthing]

it's been over 10 years and sometimes i'm still like wow she really died huh

[sickawfulthing]

character development

[sickawfulthing]

like i'm laughing but being dead would be better

[sickawfulthing]

anxioussss anxious anxious anxious anxious

[sickawfulthing]

some dissociative brain mess feels:

avoiding looking into the mirror because the reflection never looks like you, though you don't even know what "you" should look like

feeling panicked when the other people in your head aren't there and you're left wondering if you've truly just imagined this whole thing

feeling relieved but also still panicked when the others come back again, because this really is your reality and you aren't equipped to deal with it

dissociating in public. trying to function while dissociating in public. don't go limp don't act like a child move your eyes so it looks like you're not slipping out of existence

becoming a child while the body is out and you're supposed to be doing things, but you're just a kid and now the others in the head are yelling at you and yelling at each other and you're scared

you're trying to reread something the others wrote when they were fronting but your brain skips over every word and blocks you from reading it, and oh- suddenly you want to do this thing, this other thing, over there, your brain goes into trance and takes you to do the other thing and suddenly you don't remember what you were just doing before

but really there are no "others", right, i'm just one person, aren't i?

having an argument with someone and later remembering that you had an argument but not what it was about. you reread the text messages and now it almost seems like it wasn't even an argument, but you know it was because your eyes are still red and puffy from crying. you don't know why you were crying.

the vague Panic™ that happens at night sometimes when you know something is wrong but you're not sure how, you feel like a child and everything looks bigger than it should be and it feels like it might be 2013 right now, for no particular reason

things don't feel the same. you're scared that they'll never be the same again.

the "original me" hasn't fronted in a week. it's starting to cause problems, because you don't have the emotional attachments to people that they have and it's hard to keep pretending. you're worried that they're never coming back.

trying to act like one person to other people. it's very difficult.

(but i am just one person, aren't i? what is happening to me? who am i, what is this, please someone help me oh god)

[sickawfulthing]

having a really hard time right now

i relapsed with cutting after 5-6 years clean. or i guess it's more accurate to say that "teen me" relapsed. apparently i've been dissociating a lot and i just don't realize that it's happening. "teen me" has a lot of very overwhelming emotions that i'm not normally aware of, i guess she carries trauma and those are supposed to be blocked off normally. but she has been fronting a lot now and "I"/we don't realize that is happening. i don't know how that works but it's like she thinks she is me and only after I switch back in i realize that i wasn't here before.

my psych nurse asked if i'm losing time and i just don't know, it's hard to see when something is missing. i don't know why i have so little awareness now. it used to be better. i guess the isolation is causing everything to be more messy in my head but i didn't know this could happen, and i don't know what would help.

[sickawfulthing]

it sure would be nice to have a mental health professional who has any training or knowledge in dissociation, you know, treating my dissociation

[sickawfulthing]

tw: csa

TL;DR: found out i might have experienced csa, the memories started coming back recently and idk how to deal with this. if anyone knows some good websites/tumblrs with info about coping with csa, pls tell me!

long ramble w/ triggering stuff under the cut.

so apparently i might have been sexually abused/assaulted as a kid. i don't know when or by whom, the memories were repressed and a small part of it resurfaced last month. i'm still not sure if it really happened or not, but the problems i'm having now and the problems i had as a kid/teen all seem to indicate that it happened

(when i was 11/12 years old i had recurring dreams of being raped, and then while growing up i kept having suspicions that maybe something happened, but i thought i was just anxious and making things up)

after this memory resurfacing or whatever, i've been really not OK.... my dissociation is so much worse, i'm having memory gaps and my everyday life is just a mess because i'm "switching" all the time. (i still haven't gotten a diagnosis regarding the dissociative stuff so i'm kinda just having to deal with this on my own)

i keep getting these intrusive memories or feelings or something. i don't really know how to describe it... but i just get these feelings as if someone is doing stuff to me down there, or someone's hands on me all over. it's really uncomfortable, often i just think "no nonononono" and feel like i'm going to vomit

it seems like i have triggers as well now. like seeing a man shirtless, some physical sensations etc. they make me nauseated and distressed and have those feelings on my body.

in some moments it just feels like i'm in crisis, like the world is crashing down on me and nothing is okay anymore. i really have no idea how to deal with this

i'm already in mental health treatment for depression, panic disorder etc, i have "conversation appointments" with a psych nurse around once a week/every other week. so i told her about this memory resurfacing at our next appointment after it happened. she didn't really know how to help. in fact the way she reacted (it kinda felt like i was in a police questioning...) was upsetting to me, and i don't think she knows how to help me... it's been over a month now and she hasn't really offered any help in dealing with it. then before christmas i saw a really shitty psychiatrist who implied i was lying about this molestation thing, and recommended i go gluten free for my depression, etc...

so i'm just at a loss. i feel awful and i don't know where to get help for this. i'm in finland so i can't just go to a different doctor/get a therapist because it's public healthcare and i'm way too poor to afford private psychotherapy. i was trying to get trauma therapy with financial support from the government, but this last psychiatrist said i'm too unstable for therapy so that plan was rejected.

if anyone ends up reading this (and has the info), could you recommend some self-help resources or websites/tumblrs to get information about coping with csa? i've been trying to search online but it's just been a bit difficult. so if anyone knows some good resources, pls throw them at me

[sickawfulthing]

Is there a way to tell if I'm faking/imitating having a system? On one hand, I don't want to intrude on any spaces and also go around saying I have a system when I don't, but on the other hand if I do, I don't want to be shutting my headmates down and deny their existence

Are you doing it on purpose? If so, you're faking. If not, you're not.

Might also want to ask yourselves this set of questions (adapted from this blog post from Sarah K Reece.)

Do your symptoms/experiences take energy to sustain, or energy to suppress? What happens when you’re tired and worn out – do they get worse or better/more vivid or less?

Do your experiences predate therapy/meeting other multiples/being introduced to the idea of multiplicity? For example, very different handwritings, hearing voices, a complex history of mental health problems that disappear and reappear, extensive amnesia.

Does the framework of multiplicity make sense to you?

Does it help? Is it reducing or increasing stress? (it’s okay if it’s doing both)

What happens if you trial the idea that you’re not a multiple? Do members of your system fight to get your attention, or does the internal stress settle down? Do you function better or worse? Is there still things going on you can’t explain?

Do any other frameworks fit your experiences? Identity instability rather than switching between parts, trauma related ego states? Do they fit better, worse, or as well as the idea of multiplicity?

What do your ‘other parts’ think is going on? Do you agree or disagree?

Hope this helps,

~Mod Willow

[sickawfulthing]

I wish non-systems understood that it isn’t that “I” am in charge and “the alters” are just around sometimes. It’s not necessarily.... ‘Anni by default, unless someone else sounds really different than them.’

Even though you know us by one name, and even though we haven’t outright introduced our alters to most people we know, it doesn’t mean that [host/core] is out all the time.

There could be one alter out at a time, and there could be 2 or 3 alters out together (co con). Or sometimes, if it’s a really complicated situation, it feels like there’s a lot of people trying to help and switching in and out (and getting headaches, and having a lot of conflicting opinions). A lot of the time, we don’t know specifically who’s out, and we’re blended or blurry (technical terms for it). Most of the time, it’s feels like I don’t know who’s out, or who specifically is trying to front, unless the alter feels very specifically different than other ones.

And, because DID is supposed to be covert (hidden), because there’s so much dissociation involved, and because everyone’s trying to be like [whoever you know them as], a lot of the time it’s hard to know who’s actually out and parse that apart.

Alternatively (no pun intended), it can be easier for other people to tell who’s out sometimes, because they’re not in the “aaaaaah blurry everything is overwhelming” feeling. So it can go both ways!

[sickawfulthing]

[sickawfulthing]

i keep thinking maybe i do have cancer and like imagining that my chest is just one big tumor inside n then crying hopelessly bc that's what it feels like emotionally and that's what i'm scared of. being rotten & bad inside. i feel so guilty and awful sometimes it feels like i'm literally the worst person on earth and it feels like my insides are just black death and decay. and i'm really trying to get better but it just feels like theres this horrible.. thing in me that just keeps growing and it feels like it's gonna slowly destroy me until i'm dead.

[sickawfulthing]

always kinda funny when you switch in public and just kinda look around like, huh. well i've never been in this place before

[sickawfulthing]

What doesnt kill you makes you dissociate so hard you become a different person

[sickawfulthing]

tbwfw "lol this is a horrible idea i better do it before i change my mind"

[sickawfulthing]

i'm never broken enough for people to worry about me