sickenoughsteve

[sickenoughsteve]

Be better. Love your family. Relax. Do what feels right but not if it harms others. It’s really that simple.

[sickenoughsteve]

Beef, Bars, and Banter: Navigating the Drake vs. Kendrick Feud and the Hilarity Ensuing

When I first came across Pop Base’s prompt to write something for their newsletter based on modern-day pop culture, like Drake, I wanted to hire a ghostwriter. 

Allegedly! Anyway…

I went to ChatGPT to see if I could streamline the process and create something funny, witty, and on-trend without spending too much time. It didn’t work at all. What came out (with specific prompts, even) was incredibly corny and very clearly written by AI. This is why we need REAL writers to be compensated fairly and given the correct resources to entertain and inform us properly.

Anyway, that’s my little rant on writing. But let’s go back to Drake. Right now, this man is getting cooked by the entire industry, yet it seems he’s holding his own? Whether our favorite cornball, who everyone admits is actually somewhat appealing in a way none of us can explain, is your favorite, or if you like the Pulitzer Prize winner, Kendrick, you must tip your hat to the revival of beef in the rap game.

This is fun!

I mean, The Weeknd is out here singing sultry diss bars, Future is butt-hurt for what seems to be the first time ever, Metro Boomin is catching strays simply because he’s good at making beats but doesn’t rap, Rick Ross is on IG calling Drake “whiteboy”, J Cole avoided a massacre but might have lost some respect in the process, Pusha T is somewhere saying “I told you so,” Kanye is continuing to be his same insane self… even Quavo and Chris Brown are getting intensely and perhaps almost violently disrespectful on the undercard for this headliner beef.

That said, rather than diving into this beef from all angles, I want to acknowledge that this is a lot of information to digest, and many battles are going on in this war. That’s why I will do my very best to give a bird’s-eye view of this whole situation and see if this perspective can help all of us enjoy it for what it is. Not necessarily to tell you who to “support” but rather to recognize that negativity might save us in 2024.

We’re missing pop culture events that unite and get us all thinking about the same things. That’s where I believe Kendrick and Drake are doing a massive service to hip-hop. Putting it all on the line gives us something great to sink our teeth into. I, for one, love it.

So, as far as comparing this beef to past beefs, I remember in middle school, hearing Nas on ‘Ether.’ It rocked my world. I was raised on Nas and thought of him as the ultimate rapper. A rapper’s rapper. Instantaneously upon hearing “Fuck Jay Z” several times in succession on the song, I became a bonafide 100% Jay Z hater.

Did I have a problem with Jay? Not really. He was a star. I liked his music and had absolutely no issues with him. But not anymore! Nas had set the stage for me to learn as much as possible about Jay Z and become skeptical of everything about him.

This time around, the same feeling is back. However, it’s even weirder because the internet is out here internetting. Drake has a team of social media people who ensure he has the best and most impactful content strategy any rapper in a beef could ask for.

The internet is all about timing and trolling. Drake and his team are certainly better equipped there. And it’s showing to be necessary. However, one could argue if the bars are all that matters, Kendrick might have him beat there. Hence, the need for Drake to win these small battles on social media.

I think the best thing about beef between world-class musicians is that we are instantaneously reminded that everybody is insecure and we all make mistakes. The goal of beef is to expose those missteps and air out those insecurities. Before, I never would have guessed Drake had a BBL, fake abs, and other body modifications. Does that make me hate him? Not really. Does it even bother me? No. Does it make me think he’s very weird? Hell yeah.

In this politically correct world, toxic masculinity makes a resounding comeback whenever rap beef is declared. That’s probably the most upsetting thing about this all, but at the same time, let me reiterate that it’s fun. In a world of Israel and Palestine headlines, one of the most significant elections of our history, climate issues, and other general sad, sad truths, this is something we quite certainly NEED.

Silly bullying.

Drake making fun of Kendrick’s shoe size is, frankly, hilarious. I don’t care at all that Kendrick is short. Why would I? It doesn’t matter one bit. But if you put it on a song, it’s GOING to be funny. But of course, he refers to him as “midget” a few too many times for our PC culture to be happy with him. I found this most interesting when stepping back and thinking about it all. To come across as “real” also means NOT being politically correct.

Drake came for Kendrick for making music with Taylor Swift. Meanwhile, he’s in a commercial singing and dancing to Taylor. Is working with one of the biggest stars of all time something you should be ashamed of? Clearly not. But it’s not manly. So we have to be embarrassed by it. Beef is confusing in 2024; that’s all I’m saying.

And Kendrick isn’t guilt-free, either. He told Drake he doesn’t like it when he says the N-word. Of course, Drake has a black father but was primarily raised by his white mother. Now, he must feel bad about using our culture’s most controversial word. Of course, there’s a lot a sociology professor could unpack about why this is wrong, but in rap beef, it’s fair game. And it works as a way to poke holes in Drizzy's entire being! So it plays.

Another thing. Before we had Rap Genius and could look up what these guys were saying, some more subtle jabs would go under the radar. But now, the whole thing—from Kendrick naming the song ‘Euphoria’ because of the HBO show Drake is a producer on—and the connection there to pedophilia to Drake calling his diss ‘Push Ups’—there’s simply lore everywhere you look.

I used to write for a company that covered Marvel/DC, comics in general, and action franchises, and the main thing I took away from it was that people love Easter Eggs. We love digging into the material and finding references to the past or things meant to not just be on the surface. That’s what we love most about rap beef - especially nowadays.

We want to make discoveries about these greats that make them less untouchable, to bring them down a peg. Interestingly, human nature is to humiliate those on top whenever possible. 

But alas.

So, whether you “don’t trust” Drake or love and agree that he’s winning this 20v1, you must admit this is “for the culture” and far from over. So buckle up; this will be a hilarious and fun ride.

[sickenoughsteve]

[sickenoughsteve]

My latest on my son.

[sickenoughsteve]

Each Month of the Pandemic’s Biggest TV Show and What it Says About That Point in the Pandemic

As human beings, we were designed to consume content. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Don’t let anyone lie to you and try to claim we once went outdoors. It’s not true. We didn’t. We belong indoors with no friends, watching shows. These are simple facts, my friends. I hate to break it to you if this is news to you. But I will say, you are a little naive.

Do you remember March 2020? Oh my goodness, what a time that was. The pandemic had just kicked off, we were told we’d be able to work from home (or WFH, if you don’t have time to write the whole thing out) for maybe a week or two while this “whole virus thing” blew over. 

No direction whatsoever from the government or our leaders. Just a general “we gon be aight” Kendrick Lamar type vibe. 

Trump was saying it was the flu! I’ve had that. That’s nothing. Coughing is not that bad. “Oh shit, people are dying, though?” we gasped. Oh well, let’s just not think about it!

Everything was novel and exciting! “This is so cool,” we all thought. “My first pandemic. Let’s goooo!” exclaimed the masses.

In March we were introduced to perhaps the wackiest show of the whole Demic, but an undeniably PERFECT way to kick us into this new life we now all know far too well...

Tiger King (March - Netflix)

This show had everything we possibly could’ve asked for to get us started. LGBT representation, tigers, white on white crime, multiple subplots, Shaquille O’Neal, and a woman who murdered her husband and got away with it. Nice!

We had no idea where this year would take us... the rock bottom many of us would hit, the loneliness, the despair. But we got to see what wacky ass motherfuckers in Oklahoma do with their time and it was just as absurd as we thought it would be.

A truly great start. Which leads nicely to our next month...

The Last Dance (April - ESPN/Netflix)

From the GOAT of Tigers to the GOAT of basketball, both of which are assholes, we have The Last Dance. This show was basically Michael Jordan’s chance to further prove he’s a dick.

We all loved it!

Keep in mind, there were no sports being played at this time. We were all desperate for ANY kind of action, even NBA footage from the 90s. 

Perfect timing for a self congratulatory documentary on stuff we already kind of knew about. Lots of memes came from it. Scottie Pippen being vastly underpaid came to light. Just generally, a nice way to continue easing into lockdown. Nicely done, MJ. 

Too Hot to Handle (May-ish - Netflix)

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, a show about horniness did make the cut. 

This was more April than May, but it’s on Netflix so it’s hard to really say. This was a show about trying to not have sex on an island of hot people with a monetary prize arbitrarily made up on the fly by the show’s producers!

Perfect. By now, none of us were having ANYthing even remotely resembling sex, and if we were it was with... our partner? Ugh!

Another perfect show for this time of the year.

I May Destroy You (June - HBO)

I’d venture to say, by this time in lockdown, I was more interested in trying to find a show I actually thought was good, rather than continuing to tarnish my brain with filth.

This show and Michaela Coel are both actually very good, to the point where I can’t really even make a joke here.

Good show, right as we needed it, being locked in our apartments for the fourth straight month.

Dating Around (July - Netflix)

Also difficult to determine whether this was in July. But again, we were not dating so the idea of not only dating but dating AROUND was pretty fucking compelling.

If you’ve seen the show, you know how toxic the photo I chose is, and I’m sorry for giving you PTSD. 

I will admit I watched the entire show as well as the Brazilian spinoff. Absolute banger.

Selling Sunset (August - Netflix)

Came for the drama, stayed for the unbelievable homes and weirdly subtle moments of humanity.

“Bald, short, rich twin brothers who also happen to be real estate tycoons? Ok... I don’t think this show is for me.” -Everyone, before watching Selling Sunset.

“OK, I get it” - Those same people 15 minutes into episode 1.

This show has multiple seasons but you can literally watch any episode and kind of figure out what’s going on.

Perfect background noise, which at this point in the Demic, we desperately needed.

Ted Lasso (September - Apple TV+)

At a time that desperately required wholesome goodness, Ted Lasso more than delivered.

I’d argue one of the most slept-on post-SNL careers belongs to Jason Sudeikis. We’re the Millers is an iconic film, deserving of an Oscar (or two) but nobody is ready for that conversation.

This was by far the most important release from Apple TV+ (I think that’s what it’s called). Also disclaimer for those of you who hate sports... it has very little sportage, if that’s a word. But yeah, not too many sports! Don’t worry!

Emily in Paris (October - Netflix)

So, without namedropping (because I’m not tacky) the star of this show went to my high school. Therefore, how could I not include it?

Don’t say “weird flex, but ok” to me. It’s not that weird of a flex. Her career is taking off! I like being able to say I knew her before! Sorry!

An undeniably silly and not very good show, it still swept the nation due to the fact that all of us now DESPERATELY want to travel.

We’d go anywhere! But Europe would take the cake. Literally send me to a random industrial town in Germany. I will eat that shit up.

Show is cute enough and pretty entertaining. Perfect as we headed into... Surge Winter™.

CNN (November - CNN, duh)

I know I run the risk of losing you... which I may already have considering how long this damn piece is getting... but I’m going to delve into politics (briefly).

There was no show that could outperform the drama unfolding IRL with trump and biden. Joseph calmly dismantling fascism was really cool to see.

And yes, I’m aware there are other news channels and that CNN is probably fake news, but you know what? I don’t care. I watch CNN because I like my news SASSY! Sue me.

The Flight Attendant (December - HBO)

This show is not even that good, but a psychotic alcoholic who gets caught up in a murder mystery is basically exactly what the content gods knew we were asking for.

Pure recklessness. No redeeming qualities in the protagonist. Just a generally lost and bad person. This is who we all have become.

Kaley Cuoco, you represent us all. Thank you. We now feel heard.

--

I was going to do January but the month isn’t over and this piece is too long, so uhh... holla at me IRL if you want to know what I’m watching rn. Peace!

[sickenoughsteve]

An Official Takedown of the ‘I Don’t Like LA, Traffic Sucks and Everyone is Fake’ Myth and An Unbiased Breakdown of LA Bullsh*t Being the Best Brand of Bullsh*t

OK, I’m back and ready to address something that’s been bugging me throughout my life. LA slander.

Not to sound like Trump, but my goal here is to try to convince the haters and losers - of which there are many - that while LA (hometown of Blueface) may have an unshakeable stigma attached to it, it nevertheless remains a world-class city with something for everyone. And I mean everyone. Look at this dude who I’ve literally let cut my hair not once but twice.

(The cuts were FIRE)

The fact that I have to clarify that those are tattoos and not face paint already tells you all you need to know about the fact that he’s fully bought into the LA Bullshit (which I’ll dive into later).

At the risk of sounding like I work for Zagat, let me go ahead and list several pros without addressing a single con about the city. It has, among many other things, a diverse population, way more thriving industries than just entertainment, the best weed, the most seamless integration of skater bros into the mainstream, the cutest dogs, fucking space, smarter people than you’d think, and proximity to other dope places, making it a generally fine place to live. 

I guess that’s the tl;dr here: I’m not here to say LA is the best city. I’m here to defend LA from the unjust slander it so often receives. 

As a native Angeleno from Brentwood who went to high school in North Hollywood, it was in Northern California for college where for the first time I was often told I wasn’t *actually* from LA by people who’d never stepped foot in the sprawling city. They were coming at me vicious with little to no context besides maybe a map that said Downtown Los Angeles is Los Angeles. 

Also, without diving into it as it probably needs a separate article, I finally got a glimpse into the big brother, little brother “holier than thou” LA/SF relationship. 

Since then, I’ve been (in my opinion) justifiably defensive about the city and its many surrounding neighborhoods. I mean, sure, my experience was one that took place in a sheltered bubble and I’m a bit of a bougie narcissist. But isn’t that as LA as it gets?

Haters not only don’t understand the city, but they come with preconceived judgy notions of how they’ll like it before even giving it a chance. That or their hopes, ambitions, and impatience are so substantial that they’re inevitably let down by a place that still.. in the end... is just a place. Living in LA won’t make you cooler. If you just want to spend money and seem cool, go to Vegas.

I mean, let’s get one thing straight. Everybody here is awful. Literally everyone. Are you reading this, live in LA and don’t think you’re awful? Then you’re the worst.

We’re bad people. But that’s what makes this place tick. We all know it.

We all understand the struggle and share a commonality that no matter how much money we make, how good our bodies start to look, and how fucking cool we are, there will always be someone richer, sexier, better dressed and more effortlessly dope than you. You’ll be reminded of that every day walking down the dang street. And that can make you feel pretty insecure and judgy for sure. 

It can even make you feel truly alone and borderline psychotic. 

But the people who start to lean into LA, lean into the LA Bullshit. So go ahead and do it with me. Indulge me and let me explain the best I can why this city is popping.

Stephen, what the hell is LA Bullshit?

Glad you asked, reader. 

LA Bullshit is eating only items from the above photo but also smoking opium.

LA Bullshit is an expensive birthday party for someone’s dog.

LA Bullshit is running into Lil Nas X on Abbot Kinney.

LA Bullshit is dressing like a bum and still having money.

LA Bullshit is being 2 degrees of separation from almost any famous person.

LA Bullshit is having 500k Instagram followers but consistent overdraft charges on your debit card.

LA Bullshit is the fact that every single person of importance is forced to begrudgingly show face here for some reason or another at some point in their life. Usually on several occasions.

LA Bullshit is the admissions scandal.

LA Bullshit is our crushingly real homelessness problem.

LA Bullshit is not always something to be proud of, but it’s rare that there isn’t at least a tiny element of love somewhere beneath it all.

But yeah, traffic or whatever.

Traffic is bad, I know, but that’s lowkey YOUR fault

Thanks for moving to LA asshole. You and your 8 improv partners just put 9 more cars on the road. 

People come here in droves every year trying to make it. This city chews people up and spits them out, but there is beauty in trusting the process and maybe that’s why the traffic in some ways can be enlightening.

We’re all in this together. We’re gridlocked on the 405, debating whether our decision to try our luck here was even worth it. Or if it ever will be. But more people come than go, every single day. And while that might mean our commute is a tad bit more stressful, I choose to believe that’s a good thing.

Much like traffic, like clockwork, if we stick with it, we’ll end up getting where we need to go.

Speaking of people, yes we are fake.

Newsflash: There are fake people in LA

Duh. 

I already made this point earlier, but we are bad, bad people. Obsessed with image and maybe we’re not as deep as you and your family. Own that, feel better about yourself because of it. You are better than us. You won.

And for the record, wherever you are from has bullshit too. We just have better less-concealed bullshit than you.

Now pass the Kale chips.

And don’t look me in the eye. 

Everyone is welcome here

Whether your view of LA is La La Land or Straight Outta Compton or Pulp Fiction or Training Day or The Big Lebowski or Beverly Hills Cop or Pretty Woman or almost any other kind of film you could imagine that was set here... you can experience this city and grow with it any way you see fit.

LA is not easy to put into a box. It’s everything and nothing all at once. It’s likely that if you stay here long enough, you’ll figure out and be able to appreciate this unexplainable attraction you might learn to have for the City of Angels. And I hope you do.

I really do.

I’ll leave you with this

"Look, from fucking hood rats to fucking stars/Spending all cash, to sliding cards/It's the definition of living large/Smoking top flight in the biggest cars/Told you '08 this shit was ours/Getting this cake, yeah nigga then getting more/Look at this world young nigga, this really yours/Nigga this really mine, my niggas is really for it, them buildings is really high/them cars is really foreign" —Nipsey Hussle ‘Ocean Views’

I would be remiss to write an LA-focused post without at least mentioning Nipsey who was truly the epitome of LA, especially black LA. At 33 years old, he was taken away from us way too soon.

One of my biggest regrets was believing since he had focused so much attention on his neighborhood and LA, owning the rights to his music, not kowtowing to a record label, and supporting black-owned businesses he maybe had “missed his window” as an artist. I thought he could’ve been as big as another one of his great contemporary west coast artists, YG. More pop. But the outpouring of love and support after his passing proved to me I was dead wrong.

He was a walking talking advocate for the city and did it his way. He was truly good in every hood and he’s a legend that will be remembered from Crenshaw/Slauson and beyond.

[sickenoughsteve]

Fully Factual Follow-Up: Bhad Bhabie’s Debut Mixtape is Heat

There are a few things I’m NOT going to do in this article. 

Those things?

Lie, exaggerate, mislead, and most importantly... refer to 15 year old rapper Bhad Bhabie as her (at this point) thoroughly outdated and transcended moniker “Cash Me Ousside Girl”. 

The Dr. Phil Days are in Bhad Bhabie’s rearview and we are all along for the ride as she “writes [her] life in these bars”. 

With features from YG, Lil Yachty, Asian Doll, Lil Baby, City Girls, some dude named Jack $hirak who I’ve never heard of because I’m too old and washed, and Ty$, you can’t hate.

Notice something there? Yeah, two rappers with dollar signs in their names featured on the mixtape. They say when your palm itches, you’re about to get money and let’s just say Danielle Bregoli (Bhad Bhabie’s real name) is about to be taking several trips to her local Wells Fargo. She might even disrespect the teller who helps her, bc she is truly an asshole. Which is fire.

Big ups to Atlantic for signing the Instagram celeb with high hopes for her bars. She followed through. Go off, queen.

So, let’s dive into a few of these bangers:

Simple and plain, the YG song is fire

There’s little to no doubt that YG will do whatever it takes in order to secure the bag, but hopping on a Bhad Bhabie mixtape is wild, even by the Compton rapper’s standards.

His song is the best one on the entire tape, though, (by far) which seems orchestrated. They put it as the 2nd song on the tape, always a coveted position - you don’t put a deep cut that early in the album. Solid negotiating by YG’s attorney and agent. 

As you’ll note quite readily, the word “bitch” is used early and often by both BB and YG. No surprise there.

However, what differentiates this song from any other Bhad Bhabie song is that the beat is quite good. Give it a listen. Honestly, the mixtape is actually kind of good, but this is definitely by far the best song.

‘No More Love’ is a sentimental heater that cannot be slept on

Autotune on deckington? Why did Danielle spazz on this song so hard? Why am I about to shed a tear to a Bhad Bhabie song?

These are just a few of the questions I was left asking myself after hearing ‘No More Love’ for the first time. Perhaps she’s alluding to her beef with... whoever the fuck she’s beefing with on Instagram. But I think me not knowing anything about the nuances of her social media presence makes the song even more enjoyable, honestly.

‘Gucci Flip Flops’ is Radio Ready

At the time of this blog post, Bhad Bhabie is not on top of the charts. That being said, I cannot stress to you how unlikely that is to remain the truth by the time you started reading this piece.

Gucci Flip Flops was the first song from Bhad Bhabie - possibly outside of ‘Hi Bich’ - that had the streets on fire. I’m looking forward to blasting this song, along with several others from this mixtape, at my wedding and likely at my funeral as well.

Patented Mulatto Drinking Moscato Rushed Conclusion

I don’t feel like losing even more brain cells than I already have, so I will wrap this up. Key takeaways, here, though...

1. Listen to the Bhad Bhabie mixtape, it’s good

2. Don’t call her the Cash Me ousside girl anymore

3. Don’t let Drake get near Danielle

4. Get your clout up

5. Don’t hate on Bhad Bhabie anymore. It makes you look like a lame.

[sickenoughsteve]

FRIDAY FACTS: I Know, It Sucks, But The Cash Me Ousside Girl aka ‘Bhad Bhabie’ Has Bars

I was really hoping it wouldn’t come to this but it’s time to sound the fucking alarm.

Someone get Elon Musk on the phone immediately. Tell him to clear his calendar. I know he’s working on Tesla, the Hyperloop, monopolizing real estate on Mars, self driving helicopters, inventing a new sport, making sound obsolete, finding the cure for chicken pox, etc, but there’s a much more pressing issue that needs to be addressed right away.

As anyone with a pulse can tell, the glitches in the Matrix have been getting frighteningly obvious over the past few years:

We were willing to let Trump slide

FX has become a fire channel somehow, but we’re pretending like that’s normal

Selena Gomez dated The Weeknd for a pretty long time

The weather has been atrocious and in some cases disastrous

Bitcoin got us all dreaming of mansions in the South of France and/or bankruptcy

Michael Strahan has continued taking Hollywood by storm 

Post Malone has gotten like... REALLY famous 

LA got not one but 2 unnecessary football teams

Martin Shkreli robbing us of a Wu Tang and Lil Wayne album was unfair but we took it in stride

All of these things are bizarre and clear proof that we’re living in a simulation, but this new development is much crazier than even Cardi B’s rise to fame.

The 13 year old (maybe 14 by now?) Cash Me Ousside Girl [real name Danielle Bregoli] from the most iconic Dr. Phil episode of all time, aka ‘Bhad Bhabie’ has picked up rap and is a lot better than Tupac ever was or would’ve been (jk obvi. rip lil xan’s career). She’s on track for a Grammy by 2020 and it’s stressing me out quite a bit.

Let’s take a closer look here.

She’s actually somewhat ‘bout that life’ and lowkey a bad person

Growing up on G-Unit, I can say that while it’s a pretty terrible influence on the youth and simply not even authentic or real in most cases, gangsta rap is - objectively - tight.

We as rap fans have often subscribed to the “walk that walk if you’re going to talk that talk” mentality. Danielle has done just that. She’s in trouble constantly. She’s not very remorseful either. So, in other words, she’s really bout that action, boss.

A 13 year old rapper made us call her Bhad Bhabie and we begrudgingly ALL obliged

The masses started out calling her the ‘Cash Me Ousside’ Girl and made lots of fun of her for her appearance on Dr. Phil as a troubled child who couldn’t be controlled by her rattled mother. We felt bad for her mother... “wow, what a troubled child!” “oh lord, I hope this child seeks out your help and gets right with Jesus.” “Let’s flame this lil white girl on Twitter” etc.

She was considered a complete and utter joke. She arguably played the nation more cleverly than even DJT, though. The first example of her influence is that she made her name ‘Bhad Bhabie’ - with no explanation for the H’s, complete disregard for the fact that she’s a living, walking meme, no significance whatsoever - and we’re all somewhat willing to call her that. She rebranded successfully and flexed on us.

She’s Mastered Social Media

As Drake so eloquently put it on ‘Diplomatic Immunity’:

'Cause niggas started talkin' to me like I'm slowin' down Opinions over statistics, of course

12.5m followers is impressive. That’s a simple fact.

She’s on YouTube, Snapchat, kik, all the other ones I’m probably too washed and irrelevant to know about. She’s winning.

She Got Into Beef With Spirit Airlines And Won

Spirit Airlines is a terrible airline and everyone knows this. They’re the RyanAir of America and they don’t give any fucks. I didn’t do enough research to figure out what she did, but whatever she did, it was enough to get her banned for life from Spirit Airlines. That’s pretty aggressive. If even Spirit doesn’t want your money, you’re a lightweight bad-ass in my book.

She also followed up with these bars for Spirit:

I ain't worried 'bout no basic bitches All y'all look like you still fly Spirit All y'all must not've looked in the mirror All y'all lookin' but the windows tinted, like (hi, bitch)

Which leads me to the last, most important fact.

She raps pretty well

She’s a pretty good rapper. She might have a ghostwriter, but either way she’s not that bad. 

Damn Elon, please fix this.

[sickenoughsteve]

Just started ‘The Standings’ with James Mwaura

Peep it: https://medium.com/the-standings

[sickenoughsteve]

2017: The Year White People Finally Decided To Stop Taking L’s

2017 is fucking wild. Minorities can’t catch a break.

Sure, the Migos are finally a household name. The hip hop community has been waiting for this ever since ‘Versace’ dropped in 2013. Mad props to Quavo, Offset, and Takeoff for finally getting their due.

Fine, yeah, they made a reboot of ‘24′ with Corey Hawkins as the lead. I’ll take it. Dude who played Dr. Dre in Straight Outta Compton running around at top speeds and shooting at terrorists is a win for black america, I guess.

Okay, yep, Barack Obama is spending the early days of 2017 kite surfing and giving no fucks on his billionaire homie Richard Branson’s private island. Virgin CEO and former POTUS making Joe Biden experience the highest levels of FOMO ever recorded and inexplicably unveiling a friendship nobody had heard of before is fire. Yeah, yeah, that’s cool.

Black people are doing okay... we’re racking up enough wins to get to the playoffs.

But it’s the other side of the Mulatto coin that I’d like to examine. The white side.

Check out these examples of white people (previously the takers of the most L’s) winning that simply can’t be ignored any longer.

Post Malone dropped a fire album

There are plenty of white rappers, and there are plenty of white rappers with fire albums. Some of these rappers even have multiple. Nothing new about white people rapping.

However, Post Malone — as is quite clear from the photo above — is not even close to being attractive. He’s not cute-ugly like Mac Miller, he doesn’t have fat guy swag like Action Bronson, he’s not in good shape like Eminem, and he’s not straight up good looking like G-Eazy. He’s just a regular ass ugly dude.

But I have to give it to the man for defying all odds in the Year of the Whites™

The Patriots won a Super Bowl in historic fashion and Tom Brady is officially the best football player - and potentially athlete - of all time

Tom Brady is pretty much a perfect human being, besides the one glaring fact about him that I don’t think any of us can pretend isn’t unlikeable...

He’s a grown ass man who wears UGG boots unironically. What the hell is going on with that, Tom?

(Oh, also he’s BFFs with Donald Trump. More on that later...)

Even Patriots Day, a movie centered around one of the most white/racist cities in the USA, was FIRE

Patriots Day was an incredible movie that made me wish I was from Boston for the first time in my entire life. You might ask, “Steve, why the hell are you railing on Boston? You already hated on the Patriots and now you’re talking about Marky Mark and Patriots Day? Have you ever even been to Boston?”

To which, I answer... yes I have been to Boston. it was humid and shitty and I was there for work and I hated it. But after seeing this movie, I fully get it. Beantown, baby.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is incompetent and trash but he is still out here talkin’ shit to the entire country DAILY

You can tell this man gets yelled at constantly. He’s like that dog at the kennel who’s been mistreated, so he doesn’t know how to trust anybody.

He swallows gum, which is incredibly gross (and dog-like), and he’s overall just really hate-able.

But is he taking L’s? Nah. He’s that guy you literally can’t argue with because he yells too much. Like, fuck this guy, but also... this guy is pretty damn good at publicly lying EVERY DAY. Trump should probably give this man a raise, honestly.

Some white folks convinced Steve Harvey it would be a good idea to pose shirtless

Black people, I know Steve is hard to fully support, but you know he’s still our guy.

White people, y’all are wrong for making Steve do this!

Damn smh.

They even made Kanye look crazy

Sure, he deleted all the Tweets referencing his love for Trump, but that was long after the damage was already done. 

Kanye dyed his hair orange in solidarity with DJT, which is unprecedentedly wild for Kanye. A man who’s whole career relies on being wild!

Which leads me to...

FDT couldn’t get the job done

Just in case you needed proof that white people can’t lose... the above song was made in 2016... it should’ve been enough that YG and Nipsey Hussle made a song called ‘Fuck Donald Trump’ right before the election.

It wasn’t enough. We LOST.

Man, per usual I wrapped this thing up abruptly and will refuse to include much of a conclusion. But that’s what you get in 2017... sloppy work from Black men who are not used to losing.

Man, I miss 2015.

[sickenoughsteve]

Would You Really Spend $40,000 a Day to Bang a Robot? That and 5 Other Logistical Questions I Have About Westworld

I’m going to try to keep this spoiler-free for those of you who haven’t seen Westworld, aka HBO’s most recent attempt at broadcasting a dramatic series other than GoT that people care about. They’ve been moderately successful at grabbing hold of an early audience, but I have several concerns about where the hell this thing is going that I think need to be voiced.

Long story short, the show is about sexy robots that have sex with you if you go to their sexy ass dirty ass home, which is a Western-themed massive park. Sounds dangerous as hell, right? Well, they can’t hurt you somehow. But you can hurt them. And boy do the guests like hurting the robots. A robot literally dies every 10 seconds on this show. It’s brutal and gut-wrenching until you remember it’s just a stupid robot and it’s going to start it’s loop over first thing in the AM. No harm, no foul.

Which leads me to logistical issue #1...

1. What happens to the robots who are with guests at the end of their loop?

This question has haunted me since I got done with the pilot.

What the hell happens when you’ve just banged a robot, the clock strikes midnight, and you’re cuddling with this damn bot... do the Hazmat guys come in and take her?

She has to start over during the new day right? WTF? Oh shit, is this Lost all over again? Do they have a really good idea, but they don’t feel like hashing things out? They’d much rather just make shit up on the fly? 

Kinda seems like it... :/

2. What do people eat in Westworld?

This is a lowkey good ass question if I may say so myself.

They’re always making camp fires and chilling like it’s Western times... here’s the thing though.... did they pack a Powerbar? What are these people eating? We know that there are no animals in Westworld. Those are also robots. 

Are they just cooking some stuff up in the saloon? 

Which leads me to #3.

3. Are the robots getting drunk when they drink? Does it matter? Why is this show so ridiculous? (Okay, sorry that’s 3 questions)

They always show the robots garnering some liquid courage in this show, but several issues here...

Wouldn’t alcohol short circuit the robot? Did they somehow make it so robots get drunk? If the robots AREN’T getting drunk, are they simply wasting alcohol for no reason just to create an ambiance?

The longer I think about it, the more I hate this show. 

4. Since both shows are on HBO, is there a chance this is going to cross-over into the Ballers universe?

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson going ham on some robots while wearing form-fitted suits that don’t match the time period is something I guess I need to see. I really am not sure, though.

5. Most obvious question: Why would someone pay $40,000 for sex and violence with robots?

The entire show hinges upon this question, which is what makes it so incredibly important. In order for the investors to justify this undoubtedly expensive project, people would have to show up.

I know damn well I would never, under any circumstances, pay more than $15 to go to Westworld. If it cost any more than that, I’m a hard pass.

But $40k a day? Fuck outta here.

6. How many more episodes before this show gets unbearably tedious?

This show has great acting and writing, undeniably. However, the sad truth is that it’s going to inevitably run into a wall eventually. 

I don’t know when, but at some point - probably in season 2 - people are going to loudly pronounce, “enough”.

I’m just here to predict it ahead of time. 

Let’s just pretend like it’s a storyline I created. Westworld gets cancelled in Season 3. Book it.

[sickenoughsteve]

Michael Phelps: The Olympic Equivalent to the 7th Year Senior Who Gets Shown Mad Love But is Secretly Hated

You know when you’re in the water for a long time, your fingers are getting prune-y, and you start to come to grips with the possibility that you might want to get out, grab a towel, and move on to something else? Something like watching Jobs... not Steve Jobs, but Jobs. The one with Ashton Kutcher. (It’s low-key better than the “good” one).

So, you get out, you tilt your neck to the left and right trying to get those last few drops of water out of your ears. You feel the glorious rays of the sun on your soaked body and once again understand why humans spend the majority of their time on land.

You’re like, “damn, that was fun but I’m glad I got out.” Normal shit.

“Damn, thank God I got out of there” - Handsome swimmer above.

Nobody wants to live an entire life in the pool, right? Well, Michael Phelps, out of sheer anger and disbelief, probably read what I wrote above (I’m literally 100% sure he’s reading this) and promptly threw up the HGH-laced protein shake that he just downed mere moments before clicking this link. 

The man despises not being wet.

Life is like the Ocean for Michael and the Olympics are like a massive pool. He’s always immersed in liquid. Without intervention from those close to him, Mr. Phelps might contract Hypothermia. I’m not a damn doctor, but seriously, the man is off the deep end — quite literally.

And here’s my take on it...

Michael Phelps, the Van Wilder of International competitive swimming

You might think I’m an asshole for trying to call Michael Phelps a frat bro. After all, I was in a frat and you could easily consider me a hypocritical piece of trash for analogizing his party antics to those of a collegiate, but that’s not where I’m going with this analogy at all. I don’t even mind the bad boy stuff...

Here’s what I do mind:

He’s been in five (5) Olympics’ and to be brutally and completely honest, he could’ve capped that at 3 (maybe 2) for sure. We already thought it was wild when he went for 4, but when I heard he was back for 5 I realized something very key...

Michael Phelps is that 25 year old dude who comes back to the frat consistently to play beerpong — is still good at it, admittedly — and legitimately a fun addition to the scene. But he’s secretly despised, disliked, hated, and generally not wanted around.

He got to wave the flag this year, or whatever, but nobody was hyped

Normally, they have someone truly fire waving the flag for the USA, so by default they decided to go with MP. The man deserves it, sure, but take a good hard look at this photo. People are obviously really amped and it’s “lit” as the hip teens say these days... but nobody is really fucking with it that heavy.

The Colin Kaepernick look-alike to the left of Phelps is taking in the moment, but look how much space he has left between himself and Michael. The man isn’t at all on Phelps’ jock the way he might’ve been back when Michael was a true star.

If the Olympics were a college, people would be out here wondering whether or not Phelps graduated

Like the scholar above, Phelps has plenty of money. The fact that he’s elevated to a level of celebrity far above that of most other swimmers — and many of the other athletes besides the NBA players (duh), he is even more ostracized IMHO.

He’s the guy who’s maybe in grad school... maybe hasn’t graduated... it’s really unclear. But it almost doesn’t even matter. And nobody really wants to ask, and even when they do he somehow blows it off.

He’s also that dude who comes in and smokes literally all the weed

I mean, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how he performs. Maybe he’ll get another gold — the equivalent to hitting a rebuttal and eventual game-winner during a beerpong tournament with money on the line at the aforementioned frat.

All I know is, Ryan Lochte is the president of the frat who is going to be forced to deal with Phelps when he gets too wasted and starts breaking shit in the house. And I bet all the other swimmers are glad that they don’t have to be in that position.

[sickenoughsteve]

Verified: First Dude to Dab Was Dustin Moskovitz at Facebook HQ in Palo Alto, CA in 2005

I noticed a video posted by Complex Media of a younger, less polished Mark Zuckerberg bro-ing out in a low-budget interview with an amateur journalist back in 2005 and it piqued my interest.

As a dude who has spent 5 years in and around the SF Bay Area and having a sister who worked at Facebook for a few years, this was all topical and interesting information for me to consume.

I was 100% on-board and ready to really sink my teeth into this piece of what I believed was a golden nugget as far as content is concerned.

Well, there were a couple things that I learned...

Mark Zuckerberg was decidedly less swagged out back then

As is incredibly clear from the photo above, Mark Zuckerberg looked like your classic bummy af college kid who can literally only afford Keystone Light and wears the same pair of gym shorts on a daily basis.

In fact, seeing this image of a younger, less groomed Mark seemed like enough of a pay-off for clicking this link and watching the video that I was relatively content. However, I kept watching, and boy, am I glad I did.

I learned that Dustin Moskovitz, one of the original software engineers for Facebook, invented the dab

Yes, this dab...

Go to the 3:13 point in the video and enjoy.

Here’s the full video

Like I said, 3:13 is where the magic happens, but the rest of the video is really pretty good as well.

Dustin, you deserve to be a billionaire man. Keep up the good work, and I hope you rep this harder than you apparently have up to this point. You should be screaming from the rooftops that you were an early adopter of the dab movement. That could be HUGE for your brand. 

[sickenoughsteve]

Biggest Oscar Snub Nobody is Willing to Talk About: Lebron James With 0 Noms

LOS ANGELES, CA - Lebron James, once again, shockingly will go a year without an Academy Award. After his standout role in ‘Trainwreck’, many experts and Awards enthusiasts alike expected Lebron “King” James to snag a Best Actor nod that would have given him the ever-elusive MOF (MVP of the NBA, Oscar Winner, Finals Champion) that nobody has yet attained.

The last person who had a shot was Ray Allen, who (as we all know) snagged the Oscar for Spike Lee’s ‘He Got Game’, won a NBA title, but wasn’t able to procure a League MVP award. Hence, not completing the three criteria necessary for getting the MOF Lebron wanted so badly to have on his resume.

I have to say, I agree with many of the critics of the Academy who don’t think African Americans are getting their due respect and enough recognition from those arbitrary old white men who choose the winners of these “prestigious” awards. I mean, Michael B. Jordan got no love, Ryan Coogler got no love, Idris Elba got no love, yeah that’s fine... but fucking LEBRON JAMES? You gotta be kidding me...

Lebron’s Only Hope to Work With Alejandro González Iñárritu?

I think the fact of the matter is, Lebron James needs to work with Iñárritu and he needs to do it next year. The man is going for a three-peat with Birdman, The Revenant, and hopefully Space Jam 2 which I think would be the perfect collaboration for James to get on board with.

Could Lebron at least possibly win a Grammy: In short, yes

Lebron James is one of the most talented musicians on this planet, but it’s unclear if he’ll be given the opportunity to win a Grammy either. Why? Because the system is flawed. However, he’s a great violinist and has a shot. Honestly, I’m through with awards shows if he doesn’t take home a Grammy after this Oscar snub.

Lebron too tall to fit in the seats at the Oscars?

This is a theory that I haven’t been able to verify... yet. But there’s a chance that Lebron is too large for the seats at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood. Perhaps, knowing this, the Academy simply doesn’t want to invite him out of sheer embarrassment. Really gripping stuff... this could very easily be the case.

- 

Regardless, Lebron James deserves the recognition of an Oscar and he needs it next year. Like I said, Space Jam 2 is going to probably be enough to get him one next year, but I just wish it had happened sooner. Alas...

[sickenoughsteve]

An Ode to Conrad Ukropina

Oh Conrad, sweet prince. I hope you slept soundly last night, with a calm mind and a happy heart. And how could you not? You gave the StanU faithful life-lasting memories of glory and you reminded us all that nerds come in all shapes and sizes. You’re the white Richard Sherman, dare I say...

You took the Leprechaun team and threw them aside, as those who love trees and the color Red matter much more. We are Stanford and Stanford is you. You are the dream of a university... perhaps, a country?

Conrad the Comrade

You took over for He Who Must Not Be Named slash You Know Who (but who we respect... I mean, he beat Oregon). But you, young man did something amazing. Something incredible. You made us all feel what we desire so strongly to feel as Stanford alums and students. Pride in being weird and different.

You are both of those two and I could tell immediately because you are a kicker who clearly doesn’t act how a kicker is supposed to act. After you nailed the kick, you immediately started talking shit and that was incredible. It was inspiring. It was surely annoying to those who wanted Notre Dame to win. Or those who hate what Stanford represents. And that’s a lot of people tbh.

Most people: “These dudes are smart, fine, but don’t let them have football. Don’t give them fucking football. AGGGGH *punches mirror*”

Put Conrad in the brochures for the university ASAP

You are pretty much classic-Stanford. You went to StanU with one goal... nail field goals and land a sick job. Now, you may serendipitously land a sick job nailing field goals! Entrepreneurial.

For those of you who are reading this without understanding what happened, essentially Kevin Hogan (a legend and mythological man in his own right) took a bewildered Stanford fanbase from scared to hopeful by leading an awesome drive with a 1 point differential and 30 seconds left. With the game on the line and a 46 yard field goal ahead, we all had flashbacks. Not very positive ones either.

And this kid... excuse me, this MAN took us to the promised land by knocking it home and giving us a 38-36 victory over arch-rival Notre Dame. Impressive.

Dude is quite clearly a bro 

I won’t post this dude’s private Instagram pics, but he’s an obvious bro. He’s in SAE, he frats hard and also, he gave me newfound love and respect for my high school rival, Loyola.

Conrad Ukropina - another great Cardinal and a swagged out kid to boot.

Have fun being the BMOC, you earned it brutha...

[sickenoughsteve]

Savages roasting kfc on Yelp need to chill

[sickenoughsteve]

Future might be hot now, but I think he damned himself in 2012 when he crafted this poetically perfect, utterly genuine, unstoppable tour de force of a music video and accompanying song with "Turn on the Lights".

He damned himself because he will never be able to top this expression of love and wonderment aimed at a woman - possibly Ciara? - who he cannot seem to find even though he's "lookin for her".

He needs the metaphorical "lights" ON (not off) in order to succeed in finding this beautiful woman who has caught his eye. It is unclear if he has, or will ever, find her. In fact, he might have quit looking. This would justify his lack of singing in some of his more recent records.

Perhaps our boy Future is jaded. Maybe he has given up on trying to find a companion and has settled with the cheap and easy thrill that he's found in Dirty Sprite.

Future, if you ever find this woman, I hope the two of you live on happily, forever.